I'm hovering. I can feel myself hovering on the stairs like an indecisive cat burglar. I'm pretty sure my calf is cramping. What's it been, an hour? I take a furtive glance at my watch.

4 minutes. An eternity.

All of a sudden, the kitchen light goes dark and four minutes feels like 4 seconds and I can actually feel myself hold my breath.

I see you start to walk towards the stairs, your head tilted down, your hair covering the side of your face closest to me and I can see the barest glint of the diamond ring Frank gave you. It winks at me as you swing your hand at your side.

I have a flash of me sliding over the railing and hanging on to the side while you walk past me up the stairs to your room.

Only a moment or two left before you reach the bottom of the stairs. I can actually feel my body turning towards the railing when suddenly…there you are.

You get to the bottom and stop, one hand on the railing, your eyes finding mine in the dim light with practiced accuracy.

I consider making some silly lame excuse about having forgotten something downstairs.

Hey, Natalia. I was just heading back to the kitchen. Silly me, I forgot my sanity in the junk drawer. Excuse me for a moment, won't you?

I realize that I would have to pass by you on the stairs and the thought of being that close to you, now…

I consider jumping over the railing and making a run for it.

Not very graceful but I think it would help. Maybe. Sigh.

I consider just turning to head upstairs like I haven't been standing in this one spot for 5 minutes now.

Oh, I was just heading up. Well, good night. **insert Road Runner sound**

That could work.

No.

I told myself that I was going to finally do this. Well, more like I made a strong promise. But as I watch your eyes slide down and linger on my mouth, a brief flash of desire lighting your eyes, it feels more like a dare. This is it. I have to do this, right? Right.

God help me.

You take the first step, then the second step until you are only a few feet from me. I take a deep breath and square my shoulders and look at you and…

I see fear. Fear and desire together. The line of your body is tight with it like a lover's embrace. I falter.

There is so much to consider…Frank…Emma…your faith. Your eyes have a plea in them that I'm not willing to recognize and even though this subtle dance that we've been doing has finally driven me crazy with this need for you, I won't add to the pain I see in your eyes tonight. I can't.

Another deep breath in a night full of them. "Hey. I…um, forgot something downstairs." I offer up, trying a nonchalant smile that feels more like a grimace stretched across my face.

You're still watching me and I pray to your God for the strength to be able to brush past you on the stairs. We always used to joke about how narrow the space was. It's not so funny now.

You glance at my mouth. Again.

That's it. Kitchen refuge, here the coward comes.

Before I can start to move, you surprise me by starting up the stairs. One more look and then your eyes are forward. "Goodnight, Olivia."

I'm too stunned to move and barely register that you are about to pass me. A small part of my brain sighs in relief at the false fact that it is you running from me when suddenly…I realize…

Did I just do that?

My arm shot out to grab the railing, stopping you one step below me. What am I doing?

You're still not looking at me, which is okay because I'm not sure I want you to see the shock in my eyes as I realize that my left foot has now dropped down to the step you are on. I've very effectively trapped you between my body and the railing and if my outer Olivia is experiencing shock, my inner Olivia is trembling in relief.

No more stalemate. No more looks and denials. Here, on the stairs of our home, I'm finally going to just say it. Because I can't take this anymore. Especially not now.

You're so close, finally.

I brush against your shoulder to turn you towards me. I need to see your face when I do this. In our friendship, this is the one thing that I haven't been honest with you about. And I need you to see the truth in my words now.

I feel your legs against mine as you angle into me and I have to fight to keep my fingers from pressing into your shoulder in response.

There's so much to say and I can feel my heart start to race in my chest, the pounding in my ears drowning out most of it. I look you in the eyes, lick my lips and…

"Don't."

Your softly spoken word slams into me. My body, which only seconds ago had been straining towards you, is jarred back by the force of that one little word.

I drop my arm, unable to look away from the intensity in your eyes.

The hurt starts to slide like sweat down my back, tingling along my body.

"I…Olivia…" Your voice is husky as it trips over my name, "I can't do this. I'm engaged."

I realize at that moment that while we've both crossed a line without having said a word, a new one was scratched out in its place. One much deeper and wider than before.

"I know." I lean completely away from you now.

"It's not right."

"I know." I step down to stand in front of you.

"I can't do this to him."

"I know." I finally break eye contact, my eyes forced to drop once again to your engagement ring. Frank.

"I'm sorry." A brief touch of your fingertips against my cheek and you are stumbling up the stairs, the closing of your door echoing in my chest.

I peer at the railing. I should have made a run for it.

I can feel the familiar ache start to weave its way into my chest. I brush the back of my fingers against my cheek where you touched me and release a sigh into the quiet living room.

I head back up the stairs, pausing only for one brief, weak moment outside your door before making my way to my room. I don't even realize I'm crying until a tear hits my hand as I open my door.

Stupid. Stupid. What did you think would happen, Olivia? I catch my own eyes in the mirror above my dresser. Foolish to think that…just because…I mean…forget it.

She's right. I walk closer to the mirror, carrying on this ridiculous conversation with myself. Natalia Rivera choosing you over a stable, solid life with Frank. My heart clutches at the truth of this statement even while the hope in my eyes struggles against it.

"Idiot." I whisper the accusation at my reflection.

I'm suddenly so tired. I trudge over to my bed, stopping briefly to remove my shoes before falling into the welcoming softness of my down comforter. I curl on my side, facing the door.

It puts me facing your room and my heart grabs tightly to this pitiful comfort.

After a few agonizing moments, I feel my eyes start to flutter closed when I hear your door open.

I don't move. I can't breathe. I strain to hear your footsteps, hopeful and fearful that they will sound close to my door.

But they don't. I hear the telltale squeak of the third step and realize you're heading back downstairs. I try to convince myself that you're just going for a glass of water. Something. But a minute more and my fantasy shatters.

I hear your car start and the crunch of gravel as you pull away.

I roll over onto my back and let the tears fall freely now.

It seems I've succeeded in driving you into Frank's arms yet again.

What a weird carnival this is. I look around and realize everything is black and white. I glance down at my body and…yup. Black and white. Weird. Okay, if I can think than I can wake up. I just need to…wait. A flash of color and….is that a clown? A vibrant, every-color-of-the-rainbow clown skipping towards me. No one else seems to notice and for some reason that makes me more curious than alarmed. He stops in front of me with a flourish and executes a very saucy bow. With a wink, he produces a one of those silly squirting flowers and holds it out towards me. I can see my hand reaching tentatively for the flower only to have it turn into a blood red rose. I pull my hand away and the clown simply steps forward, reaches towards my face with the rose and…is he caressing my face with the rose? Okay, now I have to wake up. Bozo is starting to freak me out. But in my dream, it feels good and I lean into the softness of the touch. Brushing over and over against my face. Along my check and across my lips and…

Whoa.

My eyes open on a sharp intake of breath. And find you sitting on the side of my bed, your silhouette barely visible in the darkness of my bedroom.

"Natalia?" Crying has made my voice hoarse and your name barely comes out on a whisper.

Your hand drifts back towards my face and settles against my shoulder. "I'm sorry, Olivia."

I'm glad for the darkness as your thumb starts to move slowly against me, the touch comforting and arousing. And terrifying.

"I'm sorry I hurt you. I don't ever want to do that." Your voice catches and I instinctively reach up to cover your hand with mine. "Your friendship means the world to me. You and Emma, you're such an important part of my life and I don't want to lose that."

My brain settles on the word 'friendship' and my heart takes a resigned sigh.

"You won't." I promise you, my eyes adjusting to the darkness, finally able to make out your features more clearly. Your eyes are intent on my face, seeking the truth in my words.

I turn my body a little bit more to face you and prop my head up on my hand. Our joined hands slide off my shoulder and now rest together on the bed in front of us. Neither one of us makes the move to break apart and I risk a tentative pass of my thumb across your fingers.

"Look, Natalia, I…," I start to speak when I realize that all I feel beneath my thumb is the smooth, warm skin of your fingers. The constant smooth, warm skin which should have had the roadblock of a wedding ring.

I look up and find your eyes watching my thumb moving along your hand. Your eyes are shiny with unshed tears and my heart breaks a little more. I try to think of something to say but your soft voice breaks the silence first.

"I went to see Frank. I needed to see him." You're still not looking at me and I suddenly feel awkward in my relaxed position on the bed. I release your hand and sit up, forcing you to turn until we are sitting side by side on my bed.

"He loves me so much and I care for him. I really do."

"I know. Natalia, listen…"

"But I wasn't being fair to him. That was hurting me. And then I'd look at you and I could see you were hurting too. Olivia…" My eyes close at the sound of my name coming from your lips.

"I tried to believe marrying Frank was the right thing to do. But, it didn't feel right. Even when you told me that I should accept his proposal, I think I was more resigned than anything. I thought if I said yes, then all those feelings that you're supposed to feel when you find the person you love most in the world, that I would feel that. For him." I still have my eyes closed but I can feel you looking at me now.

"I didn't." With an audible swallow, you continue talking in a hushed voice. "I feel that for you."

My eyes open and slide over to yours, my breath clogging in my lungs.

"Olivia, you are the most amazing woman I have ever met. Being here with you and Emma, becoming a family, I never thought any of that was even possible. I didn't even realize, I mean…when you kissed me…" You look away from me now, finding something of interest on the dark carpet.

If I could will you to continue, I would. But instead I sit here, my body braced for whatever you are going to say next.

"It changed something inside me. I couldn't look at you anymore without thinking about that kiss and it scared me. Do you understand that?"

Yes. My eyes drop to whatever it is that holds your interest on the carpet. "I'm sorry."

You talk over my apology, your hands clasped together tightly on your lap. "I prayed for guidance. I prayed for an understanding of what I was feeling for you. I prayed for an answer about what to do with these feelings. Olivia, I prayed and prayed but this was the first time in my life when it didn't make me feel better. I found no answers."

I can hear the hurt in your voice and my heart aches for you. What have I done?

"I thought maybe if I tried hard enough with Frank that I would find the answers I needed. But all it did was give me more questions. Why did I think about you when I was with him? Why did his kisses make me feel nice when the smallest touch from you made me think about it for days? I didn't think about where he was during the day. I only thought about when you and Emma would be home and be with me."

You look up from your study of the floor and I can feel you shift a little closer to me.

My heart is racing in my chest and there's a small part of me that wonders if it will just short circuit before you speak again. I keep waiting to hear the telltale beeping from on top of my dresser but it seems as if everything in here is still and waiting for you.

You reach up and brush the hair away from my face, running your hand over my shoulder to rest at the small of my back. "I told Frank I couldn't marry him, Olivia."

I know how much it must have hurt you to do that and suddenly, I'm filled with doubt. Why did I have to kiss you? I gave in to those feelings to make a point and look where it got us. I'm overwhelmed with thoughts of you and you're struggling with your faith. And you have a good man that you're letting go of and for what? Me? I am not the most amazing woman, Natalia. You are. You're beautiful and caring and deserve the chance to be happy. Looking at your face, I'm not sure it's happiness that I'm seeing and as your friend, I won't let you do this. Even if it kills me.

I stand up and go to move away from the bed.

Your hand reaches out to grab me and I can feel the impact of your touch everywhere. "No more. No more running, Olivia."

I close my eyes as your next words almost bring me to my knees.

"Come here."