Title: The Advice of Lilith Adler.
Author: Chipmunki
Rating: T
Warnings: harsh language, homophobic language, slash (Sirius/Remus) and other teenage stuff. Vague mentions of torture and self harm.
Summary: Harry Potter is a pretty easy going guy, but yeah, he has a temper and quite a lot of hidden angst and now he's living in Lima, Ohio with his gay guardians and he's joining glee. Should be fun.
oOo
'By Definition, Glee Is About Opening Yourself Up To Joy.' Lilith Adler, Glee Advisor.
oOo
Harry woke up in a calm, content mood. It was early in the morning, the sky was a pale blue green through the slim gap in his curtains and the light through it was weak. The birds were twittering lightly but everything else was just a quiet hum in the distance. Nothing could penetrate the calm of the morning.
When Harry rose, he did so without a word. He pushed his covers back and swung his legs out. His feet touched the floor with a light shush sound. He looked pale against the dark blue of his carpet, but he paid it no mind and silently slid into his clothes. They were dark blue and black because the lighter colours made his eyes ache this early in the morning. He stood facing the closed door for a second, before opening it and letting the cold air rush in. It swirled around him as he stepped out of the haven and into the world.
It was quiet.
Sirius and Remus wouldn't be up for a couple of hours. Sirius didn't have to go to work until 10 and it was a full moon today, so Remus had the day and the day after off work. His day today would be spent moving as little as possible so he didn't aggravate his aching bones and searching for the third horcrux on the list. Remus had been told by a werewolf informer who had been in Fenrir Greyback's pack during the height of Voldemort's power that he had sent those he trusted best to various countries around the world for 'diplomatic reasons'. Fenrir himself had been sent to America, the informer had told them, to the Midwest of the USA, with an object not to be touched by anybody that they had not returned with. The informer had told Remus that the Death Eaters had travelled to Russia, Australia, India and Germany but those were the only countries she knew about. And that there had been information she had heard about through the grape vine that some of them were decoys.
Harry moved in black socked feet to the kitchen, the sweet tinkling of cereal into a bowl was accompanied only by the soft twittering of the birds outside and the quiet hum of all of the electrical stuff in the kitchen. He sloshed some milk into the bowl and leant against the counter to eat his cereal. The taste was bland, but Harry's mind was consumed by other things. The horcrux in America.
Their informant had been sure it was in Lima, Ohio, and certain it was in a school there and they thought a public one for the easy access. Harry, Remus and Sirius had had agreed, thinking that maybe it was in McKinley because of how violent it was there, the intense bullying and harsh hierarchy was something they were certain would have intrigued and interested Voldemort.
There had been no sign of anything the pureblood bigot would touch in that school, let alone put a part of his soul into. The only things that hadn't been ruined were the large collection of cheerleading trophies decorating the various corridors of the school. Harry figured it was because everyone was terrified of Coach Sylvester. People in McKinley feared Coach Sylvester more that the students of Hogwarts feared Snape, which really showed the terror that track suit wearing woman inspired in her pupils.
They were having little luck with this horcrux however they were completely certain of the one in Russia. It was Helga Hufflepuffs cup and had been placed in one of the Black's off shore accounts by Bellatrix Black. They were flying out on Friday night to get it and destroy it over the weekend (which did mean that Harry would have to miss the show on Saturday night, but Harry refused to let them make him stay.)
Harry sighed and put his empty cereal bowl and spoon in the sink for Sirius to wash up later. Then grabbed his bag and began the short walk to school in silence.
oOo
Harry sat as he always did in Maths, middle row, to the left a bit so he could get out of the classroom as soon as possible. There was usually a chattering slightly overweight blonde girl on the left of him and a quiet Hispanic boy who spent most of the lesson sketching portraits in a notebook hidden behind his textbook. This lesson, though, things were different.
He happened to be one of the first kids into the classroom, just after all the keen math nerds, and when he slouched quietly into his chair the row of desks he sat in was empty. He began to get leery when they remained empty no matter how many people came in. The blonde sat one row ahead of him and the artist sat in the back row next to his Jock cousin. He knew something bad was going to happen in the next minute or so and sat, tense, waiting for it. He knew his prediction was right when Santana and Brittany sat primly down in the two seats around him. They usually sat in the back row, next to the jocks, flirting and getting absolutely no work done, and Harry had absolutely no idea why they were sitting next to him.
He and the two cheerleaders actually got along quite well, he got on better with Brittany than with Santana but, to be honest, who didn't? They had fun, occasionally talked in Glee Club, and Remus was friends with Brittany's mum and dad, but mostly they ignored each other.
"So Potter, You're joining Cheerios?" Santana bluntly asked, neither she nor Brittany got out any books or pens, but Brittany was concentrating rather hard on the teacher.
"I have a choice?" he quipped lightly, smiling as Santana smirked at him and Brittany giggled.
"No."
Harry's eyes widened, "okay," he said, confused and apprehensive. He tried his best to ignore them for the rest of the lesson, but ended up drawing Brittany a picture of a unicorn and helping Santana repaint her nails.
At the end of the lesson Harry left the classroom quickly, shouldering his bag as Santana called after him,
"Don't forget, Harry, you're a Cheerio now! Act like one!"
He sighed as he heard Brittany ask "Harry's become a breakfast cereal? I don't want to eat Harry for breakfast!"
oOo
Sirius traced a string of kisses down Remus's scarred back. They were soft, barely brushing the tanned skin, but Remus still shuddered in response. The navy blue covers covered them from the waist down, and Sirius looked awed as he caressed his hands down the sides of the man lying next to him.
Remus groaned softly, as the hands of his lover massaged the ache that permeated his body after a change out of his muscles. The room was warm and intimate and that relaxed him as much as Sirius's presence. His senses are amplified enough by his infection that he can feel the heat of his body with such intimacy that his body hairs rise in supplication for more.
"Does it still hurt, Moony?" Sirius asked, the concern in his voice making him tell the truth and nod.
"You're staying home this weekend. Me and Harry can collect and destroy the horcrux without you."
Remus moved up onto his elbows to protest but gentle hands pushed him back down, and a soft voice said "no, Remus, I know fragile you are after a full moon, you're staying here. We can't arrange for a portkey for this journey, so we'll have to go by plane. You know how bad you are in planes. With so many people around and your senses so heightened, it'll be torture."
"Sirius-"
"It's Russia. It'll be busy and freezing and we can do this one without you." He knew Moony would resent having to stay home, the thought that he could not be useful but still bring down the trouble of being a werewolf on their heads was one that he despised but come often to him. Sirius did all he could to dissuade these fears. Remus had saved him. He stroked hands lovingly down the tanned back in front of him, tracing the scars gently and leaning down to kiss them.
Remus smiled despite himself but said weakly "I can help..."
"No, Moony, just..." he started and hesitated, rubbing his hands up and down Remus's back again. He had had to watch the love of his life go through torture once a month since he was a teenager. He could not stand the idea that he could be hurt more because Sirius could not protect him. "Just let me have this, okay?"
Remus nodded, and melted once again into Sirius's hands.
oOo
Even though the Glee Clubbers had been annoyed that he could not be there for the show (Santana and Brittany trying to seduce him into coming and Finn dropping 'dudes' like they were going out of style in an effort to make them seem like 'bros' or something until Harry shouted at him to stop) but Harry did not have time to think about the Glee Club's feelings.
He and Sirius were travelling to the Dayton International Airport, the closest one to Lima and the one they would be getting a plane to Russia from. They were travelling via car because they could not apparate, use floo powder or a portkey as there was a chance they were being watched by the Death Eaters and they could not afford to reveal what they were doing here or in any country they visited to search for the illusive horcruxes. They were also without Remus, it had been the full moon the night before, and even though he wanted to come, Sirius had refused to let him.
Now Harry sat with a large wizard's map of St. Petersburg in his lap, mapping the quickest way to Gringotts without seeming to aim going there. If they were stopped it would seem like they were just getting some money out, but St. Petersburg was not exactly a wizarding tourist hotspot or a muggle one. The only magical event to happen there was the revealing of Rasputin to the muggle population, but his crazy behaviour and unrestrained use of magic in front to muggles to prevent his own death made him a rather unpopular historical figure to most witches and wizards.
Harry had planned it so they would look like they were going shopping. Russia had reputation for diamonds spelled for protection and charmed for luck. They were also very beautiful, combined with unicorn hairs and dragons teeth and whirling, twisting metal patterns. They could pretend to be looking at those and then pop into some other shops, for coats maybe. Russia exported a large number of coats and jackets spelled with warming charms. They were often made with fur, Harry was not sure which but he think it may have been bear, which was normally to mundane for Wizards to use but actually held spells for a very long time, or so Harry had read. He had done a lot of back ground reading on the countries they would be visiting looking for the Horcruxes. There had been enough countries on the list that it had looked like he had no particular interest in anywhere, so in case anyone had been watching, they would not have been able to predict where he, Sirius and Remus would be going.
It also greatly helped his Geography grade. Although, Harry couldn't care less about that.
They arrived at the airport with an hour before their plane left. In silence, Harry still planning and Sirius watching for Death Eaters, they made their way to their terminal.
oOo
Russia was cold, and busy and just as strange and foreign as he had imagined. The skyline of St Petersburg bulged with buildings, the modern chrome and silver blocks shining in the setting sun, the renaissance buildings with their swelling steeples and arches, patterned like children's lolly pops and sweets. He was not sure he liked Russia.
However, Harry was only going to be here for a few days, whilst he and Sirius searched for the illusive Horcrux. It was going to be difficult enough getting into the Black vault without alerting the mad Bellatrix and her less than sane husband, who would have no complaints with confronting them. But they also had to search the chamber for the Horcrux. Black vaults had a reputation for being packed with objects, a great many of them cursed or spelled, it was going to be very difficult to avoid them all.
They were nearing the St Petersburg branch of Gringotts. They moved closer to each other, closing ranks, taking strength from each other as they neared the most dangerous part in their mission. There was a danger of the Goblins refusing them entrance because of the uncertain nature of Sirius's position as Black heir or alerting the next in line – Narcissa Malfoy of the opening of the vault. There could be death eater protections around the vault or death eaters there.
They strode on, reaching the bank quickly. The doors had the same rhyme as the English one but written in Russian. It made the two of them nervous but Sirius leaned over with a cheeky grin and whispered to his poly-juiced companion "I am the heir, Harry, no matter what my crazy mother proclaimed. It's not stealing."
Harry grinned half-heartedly back and they carried on.
There was a queue for all of the goblins and they waited in tension for the witches and wizards in front of them to finish their transactions and be led away by the tiny, snarling but suited creatures. When they finally got to the cashier's desk it took them a little while longer to organise themselves. Sirius did not have any of the keys to the Black vaults.
Fortunately, he did have the Black Family Signet ring. His father had pressed it into his hands the day he left his house. Orion had always been the softer parent of the two even if he still supported Voldemort and pureblood supremacy with all of himself.
He passed the ring over to the goblin when he (or she, Harry was not sure what sex the severe looking creature was) demanded it. The goblin looked distastefully at Sirius's poly-juiced countenance. He was now a tanned, blue eyed curly headed strawberry blond (the hairs were taken from a young man across the aisle from Harry on the plane). Harry was a short chestnut brunette with brown eyes. His physical appearance was of an age around thirty two, so Harry tried to act less like a teenager. He was not sure if he managed it, but the goblin looked no more suspicious than goblins did naturally so Harry imagined he did.
The goblin was not unfamiliar with wizarding magic and knew of glamours and polyjuice potion and so let Sirius go into the hands of another goblin. They, named something incomprehensible in Russian or gobbledygook, led Harry and Sirius to the carts that were a feature in every Gringotts around the world.
The two wizards shared a grin. Both of them enjoyed speed, adrenaline and occasional recklessness.
They were going to enjoy this.
oOo
Holding one of Bellatrix's old hair ribbons in his hands Sirius cast Magico Aperio, to make spells visible. In a blur of light and coloured strings of neon all of to spells cast by Bellatrix appeared. They were not certain if Bellatrix was the only one who cast protections on the cup, but with luck she was. Their informant had told them that she was the only inner circle death eater to come to Russia. They were hoping her pride and sense of self importance would have stopped her from letting anyone help.
In the centre of the cyclone of spells was the cup. It was a bright yellow that only a Hufflepuff or an eternal optimist would enjoy. Its distinct badger design left no doubts as to its origin or to its creator. It was Hufflepuff's cup. One of the seven Horcruxes of the most dangerous dark wizard in existence. They had barely even had to look.
Voldemort may not have regained his body in the grave yard like he had planned but his spirit still roamed the Wizarding World, seeking a body and immortality. Harry had to destroy these horcruxes before he rose again, so he could kill Voldemort once and for all.
However, there was a problem. Multiple problems. Surrounding the prized antique there were countless protective spells, ones that could maim and kill and capture. Sirius had noticed a spell of the door that alerted the caster if an object was taken out of the vault. They could not take the cup out of the vault without informing the Death Eaters of their actions and ultimately their plan. They were going to have to destroy it here.
But first they had to get past all of the protections. Harry stared at them. He knew the counter-curses to some, due to Remus's Defence Against the Dark Arts lessons, but some where a mystery. He looked at Sirius.
"I can get rid of some" he offered, wincing at the sheer number of them, "How about you?"
Sirius nodded, "I can do the Circulus Aestuo one, that shouldn't be hard. Neither should Acies or Frigus Algid. Those ones I've known the counter curses to for years. The Areanna Morsus one, the Spider Bite, will be tricky, but I can do. Then all of the snake ones can be counter cured with the Helogale Parvula counter curse. That takes out about thirty."
Harry nodded and grinned at the last sentence, "an abundance of snakes, what a shock!" he quipped, pretending to sound surprised.
Sirius grinned back.
They slowly started to counter curse the spells protecting the cup. Calls of "Helogale Parvula!" echoed through the large vault until there were thirty less spells around the cup. However, there were still around fifty more. They got rid of the Frigus Algid and the Circlus Aestuo easily. The Acies came next, as it meant 'sharp' the counter curse was a simple call of 'Obtusimoll!". There were multiple uses of this but this did not surprise Sirius.
"It was probably Bella that put these up. It would be just like her to put causing the thief pain over variation in spells."
The Acies cut a million little cuts all over your body. It would only kill you if you panicked and sped up your blood flow, which tended to be what happened when his with millions of tiny paper cuts. But it hurt, a lot.
They deconstructed the protections until there are only a few left. Five spells that neither Harry nor Sirius knew how to counter. Harry was a teenage boy and Sirius was a year out of a thirteen year long sentence in the worst prison in the British Isles, some things were out of their range of knowledge.
Sirius reached into his pocket and pulled out a hand held mirror. It was old and tarnished slightly, but only in the way that would come about through long use and loving hands. He angled it so both Harry's and Sirius's faces could be seen in the reflection. Then with worried but fond smile on his face Sirius whispered "Remus".
Remus had been top in his year for Defence Against the Dark Arts when he was at Hogwarts. He had had an intense interest in the subject for years and had studied it after Hogwarts as well. Remus would know how to destroy these spells.
The reflections in the mirror wavered until a room came into view. It was their living room in Ohio. The mirror spun until Remus's tired face was all they could see. It looked strained, but that was to be expected from the stress of the full moon. Sirius wanted to ask if he was okay, but the longer they spent in this vault the higher the chance of the death eaters being alerted to their presence, and their plan. They did not know where half of the Horcruxes were, let alone were able to handle any increased security on them when they found them.
Remus frowned at them, "Why was James so upset at you once Harry started talking?"
Sirius laughed quietly, "because he used to call me 'Paddy' and it sounded like daddy and he was jealous because he used to think Harry was calling him but he was actually calling me."
Harry jerked around to stare at Sirius, "What?"
"Oh yeah," The brunet now blond grinned, "Your dad freaked out the first time that happened. He refused to let go of you for hours!"
"Really?" he laughed, and Sirius nodded, then Remus's voice broke though.
"What did you two want?" he asked, amused "I guessed you contacted me for a reason?"
Sirius sobered quickly and turned the mirror to show the different lights and gleams of the five spells they had not been able to counter. Sirius had recognised three of them but two were complete mysteries.
"There's the Addonexus curse and the Regis Mortis, and the Ruber Ultio spell. But I don't recognise the other two." Sirius said, pointing to the respective green, purple and red lights.
Remus hummed through the mirror, "Right use the Regina Vita for the Regis Mortis curse. It was a counter curse created for that spell. Use Spirovita, with the flick-circle-flick wand movement from the respiratory healer spells for the Addonexus curse. Ruber Ultio, that can be counter cursed with the Tibi Ignosco or the Caerulea Venia if one of the Ignosco spells doesn't work."
Harry practised the suggested spells a few times, whilst Remus watched. He nodded when Harry got them right. Sucking in a breath, there was no telling what would happen if they got this wrong. Ruber Ultio was notoriously temperamental when it came to counter curses. It set them off sometimes and welts from cat-o-nine-tails of red magic whipping you was not something that helped the counter cursing process.
Harry was terrified.
He lifted a shaky hand and forced it to calm. Then with a smooth wave on his wand he dispelled the Regis Mortis. Gaining confidence he flick-circle-flicked the Addonexus curse with the Spirovita spell away, watching as the green light was encircled with the blue of the Spirovita and as they both faded away.
Sirius turned to looked, filled with both pride and fear as Harry faced the Ruber Ultio. Harry's Phoenix feather and holly wand swirled through the air as bright wisps of a bright blue flew out of his wand and coated the red roped of the spell. They battled. The red over taking the blue. But, with beads of sweat decorating Harry's forehead, the blue vanquished the red and the Ruber Ultio faded. The Tibi Ignosco had worked.
Harry faced Sirius and the mirror and grinned.
There were still two spells though. Harry turned and faced the two unknown spells. One was a bright, violent orange, the other a sickly, sulphurous yellow.
"I think the orange one is Globus Pyro. It creates fireballs the size of beach balls, it's not very well known, but it is easy to combat. Just try the Ad Aeturno Glacies spell you can use on most fire spells. It should work."
Sirius nodded, and handed Harry the mirror. Sirius had been doing the Ad Aeturno Glacies spell for years. They were going to teach it to Harry next week. It was a spell that freezes all other spells and then they shatter like icicles when you touch them.
Sirius smiled and cast the spell. "Ad Aeturno Glacies!" he called and frostbite crept up the lines of the orange spell, until they were a clear, frozen blue. With a crooked smirk and a lazy hand he reached out and slapped the frozen spell. It shattered and fell to the ground with a light tinkling of bells.
There was just one spell left.
"The yellow one is ancient, I've only heard of it in old books. I thought it was lost. It's called Fames Prehendre. It means famine's grasp. It sucks the life out you slowly, over months. It's tortuous, no matter how much you eat you never get any sustenance. You starve." Remus paused, "be careful." He said lowly.
Harry nodded, "Just tell us how to get rid of it." He said, he wasn't going to let anything stop him.
"It's a spell translated as Feast of Many, it's called Epulo Multo. Its three circling gestures, left to right, then a jab through the centre of the circle. Be careful. It's not been done much, I've never tested it."
Harry looked at the mirror showing Remus's worried face. Then up at Sirius.
"We need to do something." he said, handing the mirror to his god father "if this is all we can do, we'll have to do it."
He aimed his wand at the yellow spell. Slowly and calmly circling his wand he called "Epulo Multo!" and jabbed his wand forward. Hands of bright green left his wand and reached for the yellow spell, but just as they reached the spell the hands disappeared. The spell had failed.
Sirius met Harry's shocked, lost gaze. Without this spell they were done. Without this spell they failed. Without this spell one seventh of Voldemort's soul survived for Voldemort to use for resurrection.
"Try it again." Suggested Sirius, frowning, worried.
Sounds echoed from the mirror as Harry tried and failed the spell again and again. Harry got more and more depressed as each attempt failed. But soon Remus was shouting "Wait! Wait a second!" out of the mirror.
Sirius lifted it again, and through it he could see Remus, racing around the living room, pulling out old books and scrolls wildly. He raced back to the mirror, showing them the battered leather book he had found.
"This is the one with the counter spell in it." He grinned, "It'll tell us what you're doing wrong."
He flipped quickly through the book's weathered pages until he was mid way through the book. Then he paused, eyes narrowed, intent on what he was reading. Then he paused, eyes moving over the same sentence again and again. When he looked back at Sirius and Harry through the mirror his face was relieved and ecstatic. He had found what they were looking for.
"You're putting the emphasis on the wrong part of the spell. You're saying Epulo Multo, you need to be saying Epulo Multo. Emphasis on the first syllable of each word, okay? Now, try it again."
Harry nodded, he was determined to do this. It was the last protection between them and the Hufflepuff Cup.
"EPULO MULTO!" he shouted, and hands shot from his wand and zoomed towards the spell. They seized the yellow light and wrenched it from its bearings. Fingers of yellow light were torn from the vault floor and the cup itself. They flailed in the air as the green hands ripped the spell to pieces. Once the hands stopped touching the spell they faded into nothingness. Harry, Sirius and Remus watched in glee as the last magical defence between them and a part of the soul of Voldemort.
Finally, the spell disappeared and the hands faded. They left a faint smell of forest in the air.
Shocked, and slightly disbelieving, Harry stepped forward, closer to Helga Hufflepuff's Cup, now unprotected.
oOo
Ron sighed. He was on his bed in the Gryffindor Boy's Dorm, his bed hangings were closed around him creating a scarlet cage, keeping him trapped, but giving him the privacy he needed to do what he needed to do. They kept people out as much as they kept him in.
The noises of the other boys in his dorm filtered in through his curtains just loud enough to annoy him. Quickly, he casted a silencing charm so he can hear nothing but his own thoughts and the rustle of the parchment that lay out on the bed in front of him.
They were letters.
From Harry.
There were dozens of them. The writing varies from precise and neat to messy, emotional and blotted with spilled ink. It was bloody intense, the emotion behind the ink staining each piece of parchment. Ron knew Hermione thinks he has the 'emotional range of a teaspoon' but even he can tell the pain and loneliness behind each one. Some had ink smears because Harry had been so angry when he had written them, so Ron knew Harry had had one of his rages whilst writing them. He traced one of the later ones. This one was smeared with tears.
Each spatter of dried salt water sent pains through his chest. He had never really seen Harry cry and the idea that he has and Ron was not there because he was angry and jealous was killing him. Ron gripped the red bed spread beneath him until there were strain marks spreading to the edge of the mattress. He felt so guilty.
He picked up the letters and read them through.
Remus and Sirius don't know how the talk to me, they...
Ron winced at this one, he knew how much Harry was trying, how much Remus and Sirius were trying. Bonding with the ghosts of dead parents, abusive guardians and 13 years of their absence between them was not easy and Ron knew that Harry was not open, he did not share. Sirius had been locked up in the worst jail in the existence. Remus was a bloody werewolf. None of them had it easy.
He picked up another one.
...I saw a boy who looked like Cedric…
He still felt a little uncomfortable with the idea of Harry and Cedric, but Cedric had been a good guy. He knew the pain his best mate had been in when Cedric had died. He knew that he had been so pissed off with Harry for hiding the fact he was gay that he had not been there for him. Hermione had been uncomfortable with the idea of Harry being gay so nobody had been there for him.
It's so quiet here.
Pain pulsed through his temples. Harry had always disliked the quiet. Ron did not know why, he guessed it was because of the hours or days he spent as a kid without anyone talking to him, in the cupboard under the stairs. Ron could imagine Harry's bright green eyes peaking through a crack in the door. He never wanted Harry reminded of those times, especially when he was supposed to be taking a break and starting a new life.
I hit Sirius today. He told me it was alright. He's wrong.
Ron knew a feeling like that. He had been on both sides of it. When he lashed out at Harry in jealousy and Harry forgave him. But he had also been on Sirius's side of it. Harry had once lashed out and threw a plate at him. It had not really hurt him, just a shard imbedded in his arm when it shattered. Harry had calmed down straight away when he saw Ron was hurt and Ron had forgiven him. Sadly, it had taken it a while.
...Joined a club today. It's ridiculous. They got so upset over the little things. They don't understand what pain is...
It went on like this. Ron sometimes thought that Harry needed to be back here, in Britain, at Hogwarts, where he belonged. He knew that Harry needed time away from the Wizarding World, with Sirius and Remus after Cedric's death and the proving of Sirius's innocence but he also knew that Harry was surrounded by people that did not understand him, who he was, his background, his family. What he had been through. Not like Ron and Hermione did.
I miss Hogwarts...
They missed him too. Without Harry Hogwarts seemed empty. Harry had been there for Ron since the first train ride there on the Hogwarts Express. Hogwarts was not right without his best friend.
Why won't you answer my letters?
Ron did not know anymore. Dumbledore said it was necessary, that Harry needed time on his own. Ron couldn't help but think that he should have made sure that Harry knew that there were people here for him back in the Wizarding World as well. They were his family. He would go crazy if his mum or dad or Ginny or any of his brothers refused to return his letters. He had never realised just how much of his confidence came from the certainty that they would be there for him.