I opened my eyes after having dreams as sweet as coffee to the sound of rain pattering on the glass windows. I propped myself up and stretched immediately looking to Phil to my right. After asking me out on a date last night, we decided to watch another movie, My Neighbour Totoro to be precise, and we went to his room so I could help him edit since I took ICT and graphics in school, and I must have fallen asleep, I just remember laying on his chest while he talks a lot about different things, but I didn't mind, I loved every word and I listened to every word he said.
After seeing he wasn't there I swung my legs out of bed and headed for the living room. I walked in and Dan and Phil were both on the sofa editing, Phil wearing his glasses, he looked so adorable.
"Morning!" I chirped. Their facial expressions didn't change because I didn't see the clear earphones in their ears, im such an idiot.
I went directly behind Phil and crouched behind the sofa, I leant my hand over and tapped his shoulder lightly and ducked back down. He looked over, and when he saw nothing, although slightly confused he turned back, and I done the same thing again, apart from this time when his head shot around I jumped up with an almighty.
"BOO!" Phil leapt up in fright his earphones flying everywhere with his hand on his heart exhaling deeply, while im standing there in fits of laughter.
"What a lovely greeting to get! You scared the life out of me, I should have known" Phil said crossing his arm and pouting like a child. I walked other and gave him a friendly hug.
"Sorry! I saw the chance and I took it" I said beneath my laughter.
"I noticed" He chuckled and we went into the kitchen and starting to make our morning tea.
"So I and Dan need to go out to this meeting for this YouTube thing, but I will pick you up at 7 for our date, if that's ok?" He kindly asked, my stomach had butterflies swarming in it at the words 'for our date'.
I nodded and he smiled, just as the kettle light went off indicated the water was boiled. We completed our tea and sat on the sofa and watched Jeremy Kyle as he told the story of when he and Dan were in the audience there, he always tells stories so well.
"So this girl was like 'YOU SLEPT WITH MY BEST FRIEND AND YOUR THE FATHER OF MY 2 YEAR OLD'" Phil exclaimed putting on a high pitched voice when he said the girls part, he does the voice well.
"And the guy stormed out and obviously Jeremy STORMED OUT IN RAGE after him, where as me and Dan sat there trying to be serious, and then'"
"PO-PO-PO-PO-POKER FACE, PO-PO-POKER FACE" Dan sings loudly as he dances in the room, me and Phil sit there clenching our lips together trying not to laugh so much. Dan looks away from the floor to us and his eyes widen and he stands there in shock.
"Did you-"
"I never knew you were such a Lady Gaga fan Dan" I sarcastically stated and after that I and Phil were both in pits of laughter.
"Haha very funny, it was on the radio a minute ago, I thought you were in Phil's room, all my dignity has flew out of the window, well if I had any left" Dan calmly replied with a giggle, although me and Phil couldn't breathe properly let alone talk. After me and Phil managed to contain ourselves we went into Phil's room and he sat on the bed propped up with his laptop on his bed while I went into the bathroom starting to brush my teeth.
"By the way, I uploaded the video this morning, actually it finished just as you jumped at me, let's look at the feedback, my fans always inspire me for new videos, and their comments really do make me smile" Phil proposed and I gave a loud 'IN A MINUTE' and after washing out my mouth, washing my face and putting my brushed hair into a neat ponytail I joined him on the bed leaning on my head on his shoulder because I couldn't properly see the screen otherwise.
We went on the video and started scrolling through the comments, I tried to seem interested and I was, but I knew I wouldn't be able to cope with the hate, yeah there will be good ones but the bad ones are always the ones that stand out.
"Look at the top comments!" Phil exclaimed in excitement, I was looking outside at the streets but my eyes flashed back to the screen and I started to read the first one with over 400 likes.
"I dont even care what anyone says I ship you guys, now a new ship name...PHALEX!" I smiled at the comment...hmm Phalex...
The next one down had 75 likes and said 'I actually love this video with a passion, please make another! 3". Awww, it was awesome spending time with Phil and those comments make me relax and give me the courage to want to look through more.
"Their so sweet, you have such nice fans" I whisper looking up at Phil, he looks down at me with his beautiful eyes and says a sweet 'I know right' and we continue to scroll down when one catches my eye.
"Phil wait" When Phil stopped when the comment was in the middle, Phil started fidgeting, I looked at him and his face was full of worry.
"I, I need to go to the toilet" and with that comment he was rushed off into the bathroom slamming the door, what was up with him? Was it something I said? Was it the comment? I grabbed the laptop and pulled it towards me to read the comment.
'Phil, Im so glad you have found Alex, whether you are going out or not, I think she will help you a lot, you have been through a lot, and all your friend and family and fans have been there for you, but there's something about her, I can sense it, like she has something that you have needed for a long time, and now you have it, you need her, she will be a good friend to you' my eyes are now filling with tears and one starts falling down my cheek, what has happened...
Before I can group my thoughts and try to make sense of the comment, the door opens and Phil walks back over onto the bed lays down, propping himself up, but he doesn't move nor blink, he just stares.
"Phil..." I whisper, my voice shaking from the crying, his head turns to me and his hand reached up and cups my cheek his thump swiping away the tear rolling down.
"You can trust me, I won't ever leave you" I once again whisper as he caresses my cheek, before getting up and going into the bathroom, this time not closing the door. I get up from the bed wiping my eyes because the view was blurry and I steadily walked into the bathroom, I turn the corner and before he is Phil without a shirt, his back pale and muscley, taking my breath away.
I stand there waiting for a response and as I look at his red puffy eyes in the reflection of the mirror, his eyes meet mine and he takes a deep sigh and turns around to face me and it all hits me, each side of his body are scars and so many of them staining his skin, this makes me cry more, why did he do this? He is so beautiful, with or without scars; he didn't need to put himself through any pain, no matter what happened.
I couldn't get my thoughts into words so instead I ran up to him and wrapped my arms around him and his arms wrapped around mine, I gripped him so hard, I wanted to give him all the love I could in that hug, he nestled his head into my neck and one of his tears landed on my shoulder.
"I, I-"whimpered but at those words he burst into tears, I didn't want him to think he has to tell me, as long as he is happy, im happy.
I let go and pull back and he looks at me in confusion, still looking at him, mine and his tears rolling down, I take his hands and interlock my fingers with his, our eyes are locked together. I step back and lead him back into the bedroom stepping backwards and him forward, in silence. When we reached the left of his bed, I let my finger slip out of his grasp and I turned towards the bed and threw the duvet back, I got into the bed laying my head on the pillow looking at Phil, I tapped the space beside me and he got in without a word. After getting in I throw the duvet over us and he got into a position so that we fitted in together there was no gap between us, Phil nestle his head in my neck sniffling also throwing his arms over me pulling me close. I rested my head on his and we breathed in rhythm to one another and I closed my eyes.
I woke up, my eyes sore and unlike the morning, there is no light, I look outside and see its just gotten dark and the alarm clock beside me says in bright red lights '5:00PM' I sit up and rub my eyes.
"Phil?" I groaned wanting to desperately see him. After getting no reply I stumble into the living room to see the lights off and no one in there, I flick the light on and something catches my eye, a piece of paper on the breakfast counter.
Filled with curiosity I head over and pick up the handwritten letter.
'Alex,
You probably want an answer, so here it is.
About 2 years ago, I got depression, it didn't slowly start and nothing particularly started it, but one morning I just woke up and felt worthless like everything im doing isn't worth anything and it's all a waste of time and im worthless for even bothering, things got worse from then onwards.
Over time I detiriated, I stopped talking, eating, making videos, getting out of bed, I didn't have the energy or charisma to do anything, I just didn't want to be alive, every time I went to sleep I didn't want to wake up because it was the same old everyday and im worthless anyway, nobody cares, I was just used to lean on.
I lost a lot of weight, and ended up in hospital and although my body was once again healthy with the nutrition and minerals I needed my mind was still a huge tangled mess. When I was released from hospital I had energy again, but I didn't use it productively like I could have, I started self harming, I knew people would see it on my wrists since it was summer and I wore t-shirts so I did it on my stomach on the sides, and it felt like it released pain, I liked the feeling, it made me feel better, and it became an addiction. Every evening almost there was another one, another wound that's going to scar me forever.
Then Dan came, I was walking down the street one day on the way home from getting some razor blades when I felt light headed and then everything went black. When I woke up as well as my doctor, another person stood, Dan. It turned out he brought me to the hospital after I passed out because my blood sugar levels went down too much.
Although I was just a stranger, Dan was loyal to me, he visited me many mornings and when I asked why he did, and to this day he just replies with 'Just because', and I still dont know why now. Anyway, we became brilliant friends, we had a lot in common and he would always listen to what I had to say, listen to me rant on about my feelings, he brought me up on the days I felt the worse, Dan saved me from ending my life because of a problem that is fixable, and it was fixed. I will always be grateful to Dan, because of him, I got over my depression, slowly but I did it and slowly after time I started videos again and I have the best fans in the world, all so supportive and still love me even though I had depression, but they never knew I self harmed.
When I met you Alex, just like the person who write that comment, I knew you were going to be good for me, Dan is an amazing friend, but I needed someone I could cuddle and give love to, and you are that person, when I first saw you with your beautiful blonde curls, I wanted to get to know you, and im so glad I did, and I will always be grateful to you letting me buying you that drink that day.
So there you have it, my journey from what I thought was infinite sadness to the boy that saved my life, and now you Alex.
Remember, 7:00pm, on the dot.
Phil.'
My tears splash on the paper making the ink run, I had no idea Phil went through this, when you see him now smiling, having fun you would never think about what he went through, and I will always be proud of him for getting through it and to Dan for saving him, because without Dan I would never have met Phil. Also knowing Phil thinks im going to be good for him, makes my heart melt, im me, plain old Alex, and he has trust and faith in me, I will never give up on him, I won't let him down, I won't let his words turn into lies.
'Remember 7:00pm, on the dot' I suddenly remember and I click a button on my phone on the counter next to the paper and the time flashed up brightly '5:05pm'. Ok, I whisper to myself and go into Phil's bathroom and look into the mirror, my cheeks are stained with water marks from my tears and my eyes are red, my eyelashes wet from tears.
I run myself a hot bath and after washing my hair and my body I blow dry my hair then straighten it pinning back my fringe. After being happy with how my hair looks I do my makeup, foundation, mascara, eye shadow, blush and lipstick with a little bit of a milk and honey lip balm. Now, the clothes.
I pick out a selection of blouses, skirts and dresses from Carries clothes until I come across the navy dress that day and Carries words cross my mind, 'you might want to wear it soon', did she know about Phil asking me out on a date...trying not to think about it too much I take it and slip it on and step in front of the mirror. It fits perfectly on my shoulders, on my waist and it's the perfect length, for once, I actually have confidence and security in what I look like.
"Oh!" I gasp remembering the pearl necklace Carrie also gave me, I take it from my bottoms pockets and clasp it around my neck and it lies on my chest shining.
I opened my eyes after having dreams as sweet as coffee to the sound of rain pattering on the glass windows. I propped myself up and stretched immediately looking to Phil to my right. After asking me out on a date last night, we decided to watch another movie, My Neighbour Totoro to be precise, and we went to his room so I could help him edit since I took ICT and graphics in school, and I must have fallen asleep, I just remember laying on his chest while he talks a lot about different things, but I didn't mind, I loved every word and I listened to every word he said.
After seeing he wasn't there I swung my legs out of bed and headed for the living room. I walked in and Dan and Phil were both on the sofa editing, Phil wearing his glasses, he looked so adorable.
"Morning!" I chirped. Their facial expressions didn't change because I didn't see the clear earphones in their ears, im such an idiot.
I went directly behind Phil and crouched behind the sofa, I leant my hand over and tapped his shoulder lightly and ducked back down. He looked over, and when he saw nothing, although slightly confused he turned back, and I done the same thing again, apart from this time when his head shot around I jumped up with an almighty.
"BOO!" Phil leapt up in fright his earphones flying everywhere with his hand on his heart exhaling deeply, while im standing there in fits of laughter.
"What a lovely greeting to get! You scared the life out of me, I should have known" Phil said crossing his arm and pouting like a child. I walked other and gave him a friendly hug.
"Sorry! I saw the chance and I took it" I said beneath my laughter.
"I noticed" He chuckled and we went into the kitchen and starting to make our morning tea.
"So I and Dan need to go out to this meeting for this YouTube thing, but I will pick you up at 7 for our date, if that's ok?" He kindly asked, my stomach had butterflies swarming in it at the words 'for our date'.
I nodded and he smiled, just as the kettle light went off indicated the water was boiled. We completed our tea and sat on the sofa and watched Jeremy Kyle as he told the story of when he and Dan were in the audience there, he always tells stories so well.
"So this girl was like 'YOU SLEPT WITH MY BEST FRIEND AND YOUR THE FATHER OF MY 2 YEAR OLD'" Phil exclaimed putting on a high pitched voice when he said the girls part, he does the voice well.
"And the guy stormed out and obviously Jeremy STORMED OUT IN RAGE after him, where as me and Dan sat there trying to be serious, and then'"
"PO-PO-PO-PO-POKER FACE, PO-PO-POKER FACE" Dan sings loudly as he dances in the room, me and Phil sit there clenching our lips together trying not to laugh so much. Dan looks away from the floor to us and his eyes widen and he stands there in shock.
"Did you-"
"I never knew you were such a Lady Gaga fan Dan" I sarcastically stated and after that I and Phil were both in pits of laughter.
"Haha very funny, it was on the radio a minute ago, I thought you were in Phil's room, all my dignity has flew out of the window, well if I had any left" Dan calmly replied with a giggle, although me and Phil couldn't breathe properly let alone talk. After me and Phil managed to contain ourselves we went into Phil's room and he sat on the bed propped up with his laptop on his bed while I went into the bathroom starting to brush my teeth.
"By the way, I uploaded the video this morning, actually it finished just as you jumped at me, let's look at the feedback, my fans always inspire me for new videos, and their comments really do make me smile" Phil proposed and I gave a loud 'IN A MINUTE' and after washing out my mouth, washing my face and putting my brushed hair into a neat ponytail I joined him on the bed leaning on my head on his shoulder because I couldn't properly see the screen otherwise.
We went on the video and started scrolling through the comments, I tried to seem interested and I was, but I knew I wouldn't be able to cope with the hate, yeah there will be good ones but the bad ones are always the ones that stand out.
"Look at the top comments!" Phil exclaimed in excitement, I was looking outside at the streets but my eyes flashed back to the screen and I started to read the first one with over 400 likes.
"I dont even care what anyone says I ship you guys, now a new ship name...PHALEX!" I smiled at the comment...hmm Phalex...
The next one down had 75 likes and said 'I actually love this video with a passion, please make another! 3". Awww, it was awesome spending time with Phil and those comments make me relax and give me the courage to want to look through more.
"Their so sweet, you have such nice fans" I whisper looking up at Phil, he looks down at me with his beautiful eyes and says a sweet 'I know right' and we continue to scroll down when one catches my eye.
"Phil wait" When Phil stopped when the comment was in the middle, Phil started fidgeting, I looked at him and his face was full of worry.
"I, I need to go to the toilet" and with that comment he was rushed off into the bathroom slamming the door, what was up with him? Was it something I said? Was it the comment? I grabbed the laptop and pulled it towards me to read the comment.
'Phil, Im so glad you have found Alex, whether you are going out or not, I think she will help you a lot, you have been through a lot, and all your friend and family and fans have been there for you, but there's something about her, I can sense it, like she has something that you have needed for a long time, and now you have it, you need her, she will be a good friend to you' my eyes are now filling with tears and one starts falling down my cheek, what has happened...
Before I can group my thoughts and try to make sense of the comment, the door opens and Phil walks back over onto the bed lays down, propping himself up, but he doesn't move nor blink, he just stares.
"Phil..." I whisper, my voice shaking from the crying, his head turns to me and his hand reached up and cups my cheek his thump swiping away the tear rolling down.
"You can trust me, I won't ever leave you" I once again whisper as he caresses my cheek, before getting up and going into the bathroom, this time not closing the door. I get up from the bed wiping my eyes because the view was blurry and I steadily walked into the bathroom, I turn the corner and before he is Phil without a shirt, his back pale and muscley, taking my breath away.
I stand there waiting for a response and as I look at his red puffy eyes in the reflection of the mirror, his eyes meet mine and he takes a deep sigh and turns around to face me and it all hits me, each side of his body are scars and so many of them staining his skin, this makes me cry more, why did he do this? He is so beautiful, with or without scars; he didn't need to put himself through any pain, no matter what happened.
I couldn't get my thoughts into words so instead I ran up to him and wrapped my arms around him and his arms wrapped around mine, I gripped him so hard, I wanted to give him all the love I could in that hug, he nestled his head into my neck and one of his tears landed on my shoulder.
"I, I-"whimpered but at those words he burst into tears, I didn't want him to think he has to tell me, as long as he is happy, im happy.
I let go and pull back and he looks at me in confusion, still looking at him, mine and his tears rolling down, I take his hands and interlock my fingers with his, our eyes are locked together. I step back and lead him back into the bedroom stepping backwards and him forward, in silence. When we reached the left of his bed, I let my finger slip out of his grasp and I turned towards the bed and threw the duvet back, I got into the bed laying my head on the pillow looking at Phil, I tapped the space beside me and he got in without a word. After getting in I throw the duvet over us and he got into a position so that we fitted in together there was no gap between us, Phil nestle his head in my neck sniffling also throwing his arms over me pulling me close. I rested my head on his and we breathed in rhythm to one another and I closed my eyes.
I woke up, my eyes sore and unlike the morning, there is no light, I look outside and see its just gotten dark and the alarm clock beside me says in bright red lights '5:00PM' I sit up and rub my eyes.
"Phil?" I groaned wanting to desperately see him. After getting no reply I stumble into the living room to see the lights off and no one in there, I flick the light on and something catches my eye, a piece of paper on the breakfast counter.
Filled with curiosity I head over and pick up the handwritten letter.
'Alex,
You probably want an answer, so here it is.
About 2 years ago, I got depression, it didn't slowly start and nothing particularly started it, but one morning I just woke up and felt worthless like everything im doing isn't worth anything and it's all a waste of time and im worthless for even bothering, things got worse from then onwards.
Over time I detiriated, I stopped talking, eating, making videos, getting out of bed, I didn't have the energy or charisma to do anything, I just didn't want to be alive, every time I went to sleep I didn't want to wake up because it was the same old everyday and im worthless anyway, nobody cares, I was just used to lean on.
I lost a lot of weight, and ended up in hospital and although my body was once again healthy with the nutrition and minerals I needed my mind was still a huge tangled mess. When I was released from hospital I had energy again, but I didn't use it productively like I could have, I started self harming, I knew people would see it on my wrists since it was summer and I wore t-shirts so I did it on my stomach on the sides, and it felt like it released pain, I liked the feeling, it made me feel better, and it became an addiction. Every evening almost there was another one, another wound that's going to scar me forever.
Then Dan came, I was walking down the street one day on the way home from getting some razor blades when I felt light headed and then everything went black. When I woke up as well as my doctor, another person stood, Dan. It turned out he brought me to the hospital after I passed out because my blood sugar levels went down too much.
Although I was just a stranger, Dan was loyal to me, he visited me many mornings and when I asked why he did, and to this day he just replies with 'Just because', and I still dont know why now. Anyway, we became brilliant friends, we had a lot in common and he would always listen to what I had to say, listen to me rant on about my feelings, he brought me up on the days I felt the worse, Dan saved me from ending my life because of a problem that is fixable, and it was fixed. I will always be grateful to Dan, because of him, I got over my depression, slowly but I did it and slowly after time I started videos again and I have the best fans in the world, all so supportive and still love me even though I had depression, but they never knew I self harmed.
When I met you Alex, just like the person who write that comment, I knew you were going to be good for me, Dan is an amazing friend, but I needed someone I could cuddle and give love to, and you are that person, when I first saw you with your beautiful blonde curls, I wanted to get to know you, and im so glad I did, and I will always be grateful to you letting me buying you that drink that day.
So there you have it, my journey from what I thought was infinite sadness to the boy that saved my life, and now you Alex.
Remember, 7:00pm, on the dot.
Phil.'
My tears splash on the paper making the ink run, I had no idea Phil went through this, when you see him now smiling, having fun you would never think about what he went through, and I will always be proud of him for getting through it and to Dan for saving him, because without Dan I would never have met Phil. Also knowing Phil thinks im going to be good for him, makes my heart melt, im me, plain old Alex, and he has trust and faith in me, I will never give up on him, I won't let him down, I won't let his words turn into lies.
'Remember 7:00pm, on the dot' I suddenly remember and I click a button on my phone on the counter next to the paper and the time flashed up brightly '5:05pm'. Ok, I whisper to myself and go into Phil's bathroom and look into the mirror, my cheeks are stained with water marks from my tears and my eyes are red, my eyelashes wet from tears.
I run myself a hot bath and after washing my hair and my body I blow dry my hair then straighten it pinning back my fringe. After being happy with how my hair looks I do my makeup, foundation, mascara, eye shadow, blush and lipstick with a little bit of a milk and honey lip balm. Now, the clothes.
I pick out a selection of blouses, skirts and dresses from Carries clothes until I come across the navy dress that day and Carries words cross my mind, 'you might want to wear it soon', did she know about Phil asking me out on a date...trying not to think about it too much I take it and slip it on and step in front of the mirror. It fits perfectly on my shoulders, on my waist and it's the perfect length, for once, I actually have confidence and security in what I look like.
"Oh!" I gasp remembering the pearl necklace Carrie also gave me, I take it from my bottoms pockets and clasp it around my neck and it lies on my chest shining.