a/n;
for those who have been asking about Balder - he still has one more appearance to make, don't you worry. ; ~;

also, I think the letter looks better if you read it on ao3, because the strikethrough only works through there. You could still read it here and still get the basic gist, though!
archive-of-our-own-.-org /works/ 594373/chapters /1221307

just take out the spaces and brackets. sorry, fanfiction's tough with URLs :c

lxxxviii.

Dear Loki,

I know that you're either extremely angry at me or you're crying. You're scary when you get angry, so even though I hate to make anyone, especially you, cry, I'd rather have you doing that instead of planning my ultimate demise. (You taught me that phrase, by the way.)

I like you. A lot. When I first met you, I thought you were a little weird because you were really tiny, and I wasn't sure whether you were a boy or girl until Thor called you "brother." A few years later, I realized that I never really cared about whether you were a boy or girl. You had the most greenest eyes I'd ever seen, and you were one of my only friends, and you were nice and sat with me at lunch and told me that if anyone tried to take my lunch money, I should tell you, because you would tell your brother and then he would beat them up.

I always wanted to do the same for you, you know. I always wanted to be able to tell the guys who picked on you to go away. I guess you did ward them off through your own ways (that one prank with the glue was hilarious) but that didn't stop me from feeling a little useless.

I hate myself for not telling you any of this sooner, but I had a good reason not to. I knew you didn't like me back. I remember when you were in sixth grade, you had a crush on that boy before he moved away (was his name Tony? I can't remember). You always seemed distant and thoughtful and you would ask questions like "How do you tell someone you like them?" or "Do you think someone would ever like me?"

I'm not nearly as smart as you, but I can notice things. You've been like that for so long now. At first I was hurt because you never told me whether you did like anyone else or not, but now I just want you to be happy, you know? And since you've been smiling a lot more lately, I'm assuming that whoever they are, whether I'll ever know about them or not, they do make you happy and that makes me happy.

I'm sorry(x1000000) that I couldn't get my parents to change their minds about moving and I'm even more sorry that I couldn't tell you all this to your face and I'm also sorry that this letter so messy, but I'm writing this even though I'm supposed to be packing.

One day, when you're famous for being super smart, you can invite me over to your giant mansion and we'll go around pranking your rich neighbors. I'm really going to miss you, Loki, and I promise I'll try to write to you as much as I can, and I hope that you'll still consider me enough of a friend to write back.

your (best) friend,

Balder

. . .

lxxxix.

By the end of the week, two more letters have joined the unwrapped present.

. . .

xc.

"What have you been doing lately, Thor?"

Senior year truly isn't as exciting as Thor thought it to be, back when he was a freshman. College is a daunting concept (he isn't even one hundred percent sure about what he will take up, he just sent those applications in to whichever place sounded appealing). His mother and father don't know this, of course, and they probably assume that Thor will pursue business, but he will neither confirm nor deny that.

His friends are definitely more enthusiastic about their last year of high school than he is.

"We don't even know if we'll be cities or whole states away, next year," Volstagg says. He and Fandral walk alongside Thor to the cafeteria.

"This can be our last year together, but it's like you're making yourself more and more scarce every day! Has someone else been keeping you busy, Thor?" Fandral, the most dramatic out of their group, raises an eyebrow and grins, teasing. "What's her name, eh?"

Thor shakes his head, adding a laugh to make it more convincing. "It's not someone, it's something. My parents are adamant about my focusing on my future." He smiles broadly at them.

"Oh, adamant. Expanding your vocabulary, I see. Are you dating someone smart, then?"

"Shut up."

"Okay, okay. We'll assume you're telling the truth, then." Fandral elbows Volstagg in the side. "Sif will be happy to hear that."

Thor doesn't realize the implications until two days later, when Sif asks if he's going to Spring Fling with anyone, no?, well then, would you like to go with me?, and a yes slips out before Thor can really stop himself.

. . .

xci.

He keeps meeting Loki at the library, though he now does this consciously. He didn't know that the time he spent with his brother was that noticeable.

"Are you okay?" Loki asks, glancing up from his book. He didn't bring a lunch today, claiming he wasn't hungry. They're in a fiction aisle with shelves filled with books upon books of teenage supernatural romance. Charming. "You've been staring at the same math problem since I came in here."

"It's a hard one," Thor defends.

Loki pulls a half-amused-half-confused expression. "It's been twenty minutes and you haven't even picked up your pencil!" When Thor doesn't bother to retaliate, he adds, "No, really. Are... Is everything okay, Thor?"

Thor leans back against the shelf, sighing in a way that made Loki even more worried. "I'm failing math," he announces.

"Why are you smiling?" Loki cries out, looking about ready to fling his book at his brother. "Can't you ask your teacher for help?"

"That's the problem, Loki." Thor shakes his head. "This is my only study hall, and I spend it with you."

Loki's face goes blank suddenly, and the younger boy's shoulders sag visibly. "Oh," he says. "Well, um. You don't- You don't have to...keep spending it with me."

"Are you kidding? What if your awful swimming teacher makes you cry again, and I'm not here to comfort you?" Thor says playfully, slinging an arm around Loki and pulling him over.

Loki nearly trips over his own feet, and his face colors bright red as he pounds his fists half-heartedly against Thor's chest. "Let go, someone will see," he hisses.

"Or worse," Thor continues, eyes dancing in mirth, "someone else will come to you instead."

"Stop it," Loki complains, glaring up at him.

"Come here." Thor glances around before dropping a quick kiss on Loki's lips. "I'm going to have to start seeing my teacher for extra help - if I fail the class, I'm pretty sure that'll get me kicked off football and swimming." He tilts his head down at Loki, eyebrows furrowing a little. "Is that okay?"

"Of course it is," Loki says, nodding. "You don't even have to ask, Thor."

"You're the best little brother ever," Thor tells him with a grin, hand coming up to pinch Loki teasingly on the cheek. "Look, to make it up to you, I'll start teaching you how to swim better."

And Loki can't deny this, because his final swimming assessment is in a month, and if he fails that, then his grade will drop and he would have to retake the class during summer or repeat it next year. Honestly, why did the school find swimming to be so important?

"When are we going to do that?" Loki knows that the swimming team held practices after school sometimes, and there was no way they could sneak in during the school day.

"There are no swimming practices on Wednesdays and Thursdays," Thor replies. He hears voices nearby, and he releases Loki and steps back to appear normal. "We'll come in after school."

"Wouldn't the school care?"

"The guys and I used to meet up there all the time. The pool's open for free swim after school, but no one really likes getting soaked in chlorine more than they have to."

Loki bites his lip. "Well, okay." The thought of the deep end still makes him a little nauseous, but knowing that Thor will be there makes him feel a little better.

"I'll turn you into the best swimmer in your class." Thor claps him on the shoulder, the grin returning to his face. "They'll never know what hit them."

. . .

xcii.

The first time Thor takes him to the pool, Loki doesn't get in at all. "I don't think I'm feeling very well today," he mumbles, and Thor knows he's lying, but he can also see the flecks of anxiety in Loki's green eyes and decides not to push it. He gets in instead and gives Loki a few words of advice:

"You have to stay relaxed. You won't drown. Even though you're convinced your teacher hates you, they will never, ever let you drown."

The second time, Thor finally manages to coax his brother into the water, but they stay in the shallow end. Loki keeps having to stop in the middle of a length to catch his breath, and later they find it's because his pacing is uneven.

"We'll practice," says Thor, pulling Loki to the side. "You're going to put your face into the water, count to four, and once you get to four, you're going to come back up for air. Then you'll do it over again." Already seeing his brother's eyes going wide, Thor puts a hand on the back of his neck and says, "I'm here, Loki, I'm not going to let anything happen to you."

Loki keeps a death grip on his arm, but obeys nonetheless. He takes a deep breath and then ducks down into the water, counting: one, two, three...

On four, he realizes that Thor's hand is still on the back of his neck, and for a terrifying moment, he thinks that Thor will keep holding him down until he runs out of air.

But Thor doesn't, and Loki is able to resurface easily. He blinks the water out of his eyes, heart still beating irrationally fast, and is too ashamed to look at Thor. How could he think that about his brother, after all Thor was doing for him?

"Again," Thor says gently, and his thumb rubs a soothing pattern into Loki's skin.

Loki nods shakily and repeats.

. . .

xciii.

As they agreed, Thor no longer comes to the library. For the first week, Loki still comes there to eat his lunch, but it's not the same without Thor.

So he starts eating at the cafeteria again, and a nice upperclassman named Peter even invites him over to their table. When Loki takes a seat and scans the other students sitting around them, he can't really call any of them his "friends."

But after two eventful lunch periods full of inside jokes (all of which, to Loki's delight, were explained to him), much badinage, and an almost-food fight, Loki begins to think otherwise.

xciv.

One day, on the way back from the bathroom, Loki sees his brother walking down the hall.

Thor is with his friends, and they're walking in the opposite direction, so none of them notice Loki. Since Darcy hasn't come out of the girls' bathroom yet, Loki starts to call out to Thor until he sees his brother's arm slung around a girl's waist.

Loki falters, his lip twitching down into a frown, and just when he thinks that perhaps he's reading too much into it, they stop, Thor turns to the girl, and she leans up and kisses him.

"I think the school has cinnamon-scented handwash," Darcy announces as she comes out of the bathroom. "Oh, hey, sorry if I took too long. I got distracted."

Loki shakes his head mindlessly and asks if they can just go back to lunch.

. . .

xcv.

"Am I really getting better, Thor?" Loki says quietly as he pulls his shirt over his head. (Whenever he closes his eyes, he can see the empty hallway and Thor and that girl together, and it's awful, awful-)

(Why was he getting so upset? One instance didn't mean that Thor had lied to him about having to see his math teacher.)

(Besides, Thor had said he loved him.)

"You can swim a whole length without stopping now," Thor points out.

The locker room is empty save for the two of them.

Loki exhales, rubbing the back of his head. "I guess."

"You'll pass that test, Loki."

"I hope."

"You're going to do just fine, okay?"

"Okay."

He turns around, and suddenly Thor is there, sans shirt and expression inquiring. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Bullshit."

Loki rolls his eyes. "You kiss our mother with that mouth?" He slaps Thor on the shoulder before skillfully ducking away. "Did you bring your math grade up, by the way?"

A beat of silence.

"Yeah. I mean, I'm still getting help, but they're definitely better."

Loki bites his lip. "That's good." He glances over his shoulder and quips, "And put a shirt on."

. . .

xcvi.

Thor doesn't know why Loki keeps deflecting his questions and shying away from him. He hates knowing that something is bothering Loki and then not knowing what it is.

"There's nothing wrong, Thor," Loki would persist and lean up and kiss him, in order to stop Thor from asking any more questions.

So Thor, not knowing what else he could do without forcing Loki, begrudgingly takes his word for it.

. . .

xcvii.

It is on an innocuous day that Thor finds It.

He's hunting through his parents' file cabinet for one of his old report cards when he pulls out document, several pages thick with a birth certificate attached to the back.

Words: printed on paper and a little faded but still clear enough, they swim across Thor's eyes as he tries to comprehend them.

They tell him that he does not, in fact, have a brother.

. . .

xcviii.

That night, Loki opens his eyes blearily to the feeling of someone picking him up from the bed. "Trust you to fall asleep in a pile of homework," his carrier grumbles, and Loki recognizes it to be his brother.

His cheek aches, probably due to being pressed against the surface of his desk for so long. He sighs when Thor lowers him onto the bed, the soft covers wondrously soft. "Don't leave," he mumbles when Thor gets up.

"I was just going to take my shoes off," Thor tells him, and Loki smiles tiredly.

Moments later, another body joins him in the bed, and Loki lets his older brother's arms come around him. They encircle him easily, and Thor is a comforting warmth. No matter what has transpired in the past month, no matter how many nights Loki lied awake, staring at his ceiling and seeing that hallway over and over in his mind, he will never tire of feeling so safe.

"I love you," Thor says into his hair. His breath hitches a little.

Loki tenses. Did you tell her that, too? "Mhm," comes the sleepy response, a few seconds too delayed.

He closes his eyes and feigns sleep.