Erm... looks like only have one more chapter ready right now. Sorry... I'll try to work on more chappies. Probably. Most likely. Yeah. Anywho, over 100 views! YAY! Thanks for reading this, people! I'm not going to do a disclaimer, because Zim went to destroy Jupiter and won't be back for a while. He apologizes profusely and is very ashamed that he has let his adoring fans down.
Zim: What? I never said that!
TAF: Ha ha, you so did.
Zim: YOU'RE LYING!
Here you go, then. Enjoy. See you (not really) when I get back from partying in Texas :P
I'm going to eat a burrito for the first time. THE FIRST TIME, PEOPLE!
Chapter 5: Sentient Beings are Stoopid
Gaz was back... she was back in black, like she was always. She was feeling less depressed and more angry. Stupid alien deserved what was coming to her.
Her eyes widened at all the cool implements of torture Dib had set up in Dad's lab. She looked at the alien, who looked incredibly annoyed. She looked at Dib, who looked kind of flustered.
"Well, I really can't think of much else TO do!" Dib said.
"OH, REALLY? So, instead of just asking me to go into a hospital and get an x-ray done, you're shooting electricity through me for FUN?" she crossed her arms, "That's kind of sad, Dib."
Dib looked desperately at Gaz, "Quick! Gaz! Think up a horrible experiment that could go horribly wrong involving this alien!"
Gaz stared at him, "Since when am I your personal assistant?"
"Gaz! Please!"
Lak Shmi stared at Dib's sister, "Well, this has been fun and all, but I really think-"
Zim chose that moment to burst through the wall, weaponry blazing, nukes armed, a general air of doomsday surrounding him.
"Oh crud..." Dib whispered, "You were right!"
"Of course I was," Lak Shmi said smugly.
"Don't push it," Dib growled, "Kid."
"DIB!" Zim bellowed, "THAT is a PRISONER of the IRKEN Empire! Unhand her AT ONCE!"
"So many... caps..." gasped Lak Shmi, covering her eyes.
"Psh. Whiner," Gaz grunted.
"By the rules of Irken conquest, as you've said before, I won and she's my prisoner!" Dib said.
"But you're not an Irken! And neither is she!"
"So?"
"You don't get to use the Rules of Conquest! DUH!" Zim stuck out his purple tongue, "Get your OWN rules!"
"All right, by the rule of Dib conquest, I get to do experiments on anything that ticks me off! WHICH YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW, SPACE BOY!" Dib said, getting into battle position.
"Caps..." Lak Shmi said again, wincing at the loudness, "OH, THE CAPS!"
"Whiner."
"You're goin' DOWN, DIB!"
"Not if I have to Dib Rules on my side!"
"Do they do this every battle?" asked Lak Shmi.
"Yes," said Gaz, "It's stoopid."
"They're sentient," Lak Shmi shrugged, "It's their right."
"OH COME ON! You can't use every other sentence to preach to us about your stupid sentient life forms religion thing you have! I'm sick of all this talk of SENTIENCE and ETHICS. I want things to be normal again. AND I ALWAYS GET WHAT I WANT," Gaz warned, "Sentient beings are stoopid. My whole life has been like a stoopid cartoon. Stoopid aliens, stoopid humans, stoopid robots... THEY CAN ALL DIE!"
The fourth wall bent under the OOC, doomy, and generally chaotic pressure, then suddenly burst open. Fangirls, fanboys, pigs all flooded the Invader Zim-verse.
"WE LUV YOOOOOOUUUUU!" they all shouted. Then, with an earth-shattering "SQUEE!" the universe *dies*.
***
"Gaz, it's me, Jhonen."
"Come on, it's not THAT hard to wake up from a coma."
"Gaz... there's pizza..."
Gaz sat bolt upright. She looked around, then looked straight at God. The spiky, red-haired kind.
"You," she hissed, "You did this to me. Stuck me down there with those idiots."
"Yep," he grinned, "Now, you're the only hope to save all this. Everyone's dead except for you because GUESS WHAT? You're immortal. Like Ms. Bitters..."
Ms. Bitters hissed from her dark corner, "I'm warning you, Jhonen..."
"...and Johnny..."
Nny looked up, confused, from playing with a knife, "I'm suddenly dead. How... fascinating."
"Wacky," said Gaz. Jhonen's eyes widened in fear, but Johnny didn't hear, luckily.
"Don't say that. And now, DECIDE! Do you want to go back to the ETERNAL PURGATORY that is LIFE, or stay in the ETERNAL PURGATORY that is DEATH?" Jhonen asked dramatically.
"Are there piggies in Death?" asked Gaz.
"No."
"Then I want Life," she said, "...I guess."
"THE ANTICHRIST HAS SPOKEN!" Jhonen shouted, "THE WORLD IS SAVED!"
"No it's not," said Gaz, "It's doomed. Zim's gonna destroy it, remember? What kind of a God are you? GOD IS STOOPID, GUYS! BECOME AN ATHEIST BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!" she shouted to the humans regenerating on Earth.
"Ah ha ha, very funny," said Jhonen, "By the way, expect things to become weirder. I'm in control now, and I don't exactly plan to make life easy for you. NOW GO DIE!"
Johnny disappeared, still smiling vaguely. Ms. Bitters hissed, then decided to leave. Gaz narrowed her eyes, and glowered at all creation.
"Be warned, life," she said, "You're doomed."
***
"BE WARNED, DIB!" said Zim, "YOU'RE DOOMED!"
Life had resumed. Gaz had saved the day. And pigs.
"What just happened?" asked Dib.
"The universe *died*," Gaz explained, "I brought it back to life."
"That's my funny sister!" said Dib.
"Um, excuse me?" Lak Shmi said, "But I'm kind of in quite a bit of pain right now. Not to complain or anything, but I really just want to leave. You know, go home. Find my best friend. NOT DIE."
"The only home YOU'LL be going to is VORT! And VORT is now a PRISON! So you're goin' to JAIL! GIR! Free the Vortian then re-capture it!" Zim said. GIR's eyes shone red.
He went up to the bed. His eyes faded to blue as he caught sight of all the cool paranormal machinery da big-head boy had set up.
"What's dis doo? What's dat doo?" he asked, pressing random buttons. Electric shocks and fireballs and other things that were, you know, painful were blasted at the Vortian.
"STOP IT!" she shouted, "OH PLEASE, STOP! NO! I'M BEGGING FOR MY LIFE! I promised Lard Nar I'd never do that again after the Noodle Incident..."
"Wow," said Gaz, "The robot's better at torturing people than you, Dib."
Everyone stared in wonder at the beautiful sight, with Lak Shmi screeching melodically. It was incredibly beautiful, if only to the four little sadists in the room. Only they could appreciate its glory. Lak Shmi was still screaming with pauses for cursing in between attacks by GIR.
Vortian screams are quite pleasant to the ear.
"YAY! IT'S OVER!" GIR screeched.
The volley of shiny sharp things stopped. "Why?" Dib asked.
"THE FAT LADY IS SINGIN'!"
Everyone looked at Lak Shmi, who was trying very hard to suppress her rage. Okay, so maybe she wasn't trying that hard at all. She ripped the cuffs from the side of the bed.
"She is kind of fat," realized Dib. Gaz and Zim nodded, astonished by this stunning revelation.
"DON'T CALL ME FAT. EVER. AGAIN," she choked out. She also choked out some blood and internal organs. "I'm dying..."
"Oh no! The Fat Lady's DYIN'!" GIR cried, tears pouring from his eyes, seeping into his circuitry and causing him to black out.
"WHAT. DID. I. JUST. SAY," Lak Shmi groaned. There were burn marks all over her body. Blood was seeping out of her wounds, "Sorry, Nar... I failed you."
And she died, without the asterisks. The sheer irony surrounding her death and the cold indifference of young children and aliens shocked innocent moose everywhere.
***
"She's dead," said the Fangirl, using her author powers of KNOWLEDGE.
Lard Nar made a noise like he was puking and screaming at the same time. "That's IT? The Zim-Irken's robot insults her, and she DIES?"
"It's Jhonen. He's messing with us," the Fangirl explained.
"That was so sad," whimpered Tallest Purple, "She's really dead?"
"Until they can get her to respawn," explained Tallest Red, "The Fangirl we captured has to find a way to work it into the story."
"Oh."
The smexy little drone swaggered over and put her hand on Tallest Red's waist.
"Wanna have some fun, big boy?" she purred. People purr a lot in fan fiction, you'll notice.
"SEE? This is EXACTLY what we try to AVOID when growing smeets!" Red groaned.
"I'm sorry," said the Fangirl, "I really thought that was how it worked on the Massive."
"This is the military. DOES THE MILITARY OPERATE LIKE THIS?"
"No..."
Lard Nar sighed, "Look, you perverted... bad... things... we aren't going to sit back and watch anymore. I want to DO something. We're gonna jumpstart the respawn sequence!"
"Not so fast..." said a voice. No... the dreaded line, the cliché to end all clichés, and the best way to introduce a new character...
"TAK!" gasped the group.
"I'm going to end this sorry charade once and for all," her eye twitched, "Fan fiction... is EVIL. ZATR. DATR. LOOK. IT. UP. I will no longer put up with this... filth. I'm sick of it, and sick of you."
She advanced toward the Fangirl, who cowered behind Lard Nar, who raised an eyebrow.
"Who the heck are you?" asked Lard Nar.
"Oh... right, he doesn't know her!" whispered Purple.
Tak's eyes widened, "I'm Tak..." she blushed.
"NO..." the Fangirl said, burying her head in her hands, "NO! NO! NO!"
"What?" asked Red and Purple.
"Jhonen's writing slash," the Fangirl said, "It's Lard Nar x Tak... and it's good."
"Err..." said Lard Nar, backing away from the infatuated Tak, "Look, I don't-"
"FOCUS, people! FOCUS!" Red clapped his hands, "If we're gonna jumpstart the respawn, we're going to have to work TOGETHER as equals, and NOT as lovers!"
"Aww," said Tak and the Fangirl.
"Okay, then, Lard Nar and I will go on a solo advent-"
"NO!" the girls screamed. The girls jumped to Lard Nar's sides. Purple just stared at them.
"Or, Red and I could go on a solo adventure and you three can hold down the fort here," he offered.
Lard Nar opened his mouth in protest, but Red raised his hands menacingly.
"And remember- our race has superior tickling technology that we can and will use against you," he said evilly. Lard Nar squeaked, much to his embarrassment. Jhonen was getting into the SFX, he guessed. That would explain the earlier purring incident.
He sighed. Tak and the Fangirl seemed to have resolved their differences. It was remarkably difficult to hate the Fangirl, no matter how annoying she was.
Maybe it had something to do with her name... Mary-Sue.
You can tell a lot about people from what they have in their interweb tabs. I have the script for my school's play, FanFiction (duh!), Homestuck, Morse code translator to help me decode Homestuck because I'm lame and don't Morse, and a Wikipedia article on noir fiction.
Actually, you can't tell anything about people from their tabs at all. Never mind.