CHAPTER 7
A/N: Wow guys, I'm so sorry, it's been like, 5 months since the last chapter. I feel terrible. But hey, this chapter is over 10,000 words all on its own, so hey! You guys get a nice healthy dose of Stolovan.
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I slept restlessly that night. If you could even call it sleep. I kept waking up for brief seconds, half-consciously fretting over the history report.
At 5:30, half an hour before I usually wake up, I finally got out of bed. I had decided that I couldn't just lie in tangled sheets forever, tapping my foot to keep me awake. I tousled my hair, debating whether I should even brush it today or not. I didn't feel like dealing with life today. Back when I still had virtually no social life, things were so much simpler.
Out of habit, I immediately sat at my desk and turned on my computer. As the core hummed, waking up with a grumble like I had, I drummed my fingers on my desk.
Fuck. Fuck fucking fuckitty-fuck.
That's really all I could think of.
Fuck. Today's the big day, Kevin.
The dance, you have to go to the dance. You have to dress up and look nice, and you have to dance with Heidi. You have to put up with everyone you hate from school, and they'll all be dressed up and dancing too. This is gonna suck.
But wait. Clyde will be there.
I blinked. What? Where did that little fuck come from?
I shook my head and grumbled. It's Friday; you can get through this.
I smiled in the bright, calming glow that was my login screen. The gateway to the path of escaping reality. Beautiful.
As my desktop loaded, so did all my sticky notes. They were like mushrooms, or bacteria; sprouting up in different places as everything loaded. Some were long overdue and needed to be deleted, but I never got around to it. There were so many, and I didn't want to go through all of them. Plus, I was too lazy.
As if it were some kind of symbolic message, the last sticky note to load was the one I had made of Clyde in a slight fit of rage. I examined it closely.
Damn, how things have changed.
He's making me find a date to the dance.
Nope, that one's gotta go. I began tapping the backspace button, then stopped when only He was left. I sat and pondered that for a moment. I could work with that.
He
I tapped my finger thoughtfully on my desk, thinking of how I could rewrite this.
"He . . . helped me," I mumbled, typing quickly to keep up with my thoughts.
He helped me find a date to the dance.
"That's better," I said aloud to myself, reading the note over.
How could I be mad that I was taking Heidi to the dance? I'll admit, things have been pretty traumatic over the past few days, but not this. I would be stuck doing the same thing I do every year when there's a dance if it weren't for Clyde and his desperate attempts to ask Bebe out. I'd probably be at home, on the computer. Which is generally my idea of a good time, but I don't know . . . something is really different about me this year. I'm looking forward to the dance for a change.
But I know I'm only going with Heidi as a friend. That's what I'm telling myself, anyway. And it's not one of those things that I'm telling myself that I know isn't true. I can guarantee you that. I'm really going with her as a friend.
And that's kind of bugging me.
See, when I said something is really different about me this year? Well, some of it is really kind of scaring me and questioning everything I used to know.
I'm really starting to think differently of Clyde . . .
Wait, wait, no. Before you go and think anything, hear me out. You probably think you know what I'm gonna say. Maybe you do, maybe you don't. I bet you know how this story is gonna end and it's gonna be the perfect ending, blah, blah, blah.
But I should tell you that my view of Clyde is changing. But the problem is, I don't know what it's changing into. I suppose I can only wait. And I sure as heck don't want to wait, but I know I'll have to.
The other reminder made me sick. I'm not holding anything back when I say that. I cannot believe I used to think so harshly of Clyde.
He's a fucking idiot.
Okay, I guess I really can believe it. Because he's a fucking idiot. Well, I guess not in the same critical way I used to think. He's an idiot naturally, and that's just that part of him. He's got lots of other qualities, but all I could see before was his stupidity. And I never looked past it, because that's all I thought he was. A plain idiot.
I almost deleted that, but I stopped myself. It is true; that he's a fucking idiot and all. But I should put it in a way that I can smile at, not frown shamefully upon.
I spent a few minutes thinking, and then a few more tak-tak-takking away on my keyboard. When I was done, I smiled with satisfaction and went back and read over what I just typed. I made the sticky note into a kind of little poem, writing little bits of sentences about how he's an idiot, but I'm proud to know him better as a friend now. It made me feel better about myself, knowing that in a way, I had gotten over my stupid ignorance. I'm not going to share what I wrote now, and I probably won't. But don't worry, it's nothing mushy-gushy like that; just some ranty feels.
Honestly feeling better, I pushed my chair in and began to get ready for school. I was hoping that the day would fly by, so I wouldn't have a terrible friday.
I got to class a little late, and when I sat down, students were already getting up to turn in their reports. I saw Clyde coming back to seat himself, and I smiled at him. He smiled weakly back, and as he sat down, I saw Mrs. Molitor eyeing me curiously. She probably thought it was odd that Clyde had turned in our paper, instead of me. But maybe she liked that change, because I know I did.
Clyde didn't talk to me much for the rest of the day, but only because our classes were unusually busy. Mrs. Molitor kept us focused on taking notes on several chapters of our history book, and the rest of the classes we had felt the same way. Or maybe it was that our minds were occupied with what was to come later, and it only seemed like our teachers were busting us up with loads of work.
All the same, school ended fast. I said a quick good-bye to Clyde as he headed off to football practice. It's really amazing that those meatheads still have their practice in the dead-middle of December. After I gathered my stuff, I made a quick trip to Heidi's locker.
I found her there, messily stuffing books and folders into her backpack. She saw me in her small magnetic mirror, and she turned around with a smile.
"Hey," she greeted, zipping up her bag. "I'm actually really excited for tonight!"
"Heh, yeah," I said, laughing. "I kind of am, too! Which is, unusual, I guess."
She giggled. "Well then, I'm glad you're excited too, or else this would be a drab for me."
"Yeah, and I guess the sky is supposed to be really clear tonight," I told her, recalling what I had heard on the local news this morning.
"Huh?" she said, cocking her head. "Why's that important?"
I looked at her, slightly confused. "Oh, I just thought that it would be cool to have a nice sky during the movie," I told her, my excitement deflating a little, fearing I had said something dumb.
"Ohh, yeah," she said, as if she was remembering a memory from a long time ago. She nodded, but much of the zeal seemed to have drained from her face. "The drive in; right. Yeah, that should be, er, fun," she said, closing her locker, as if she was avoiding looking at me.
My eyebrows knitted together in confusion. "Something wrong?"
She smiled regularly again, looking back up at me as she swung her backpack around her shoulders. "No, it's nothing. Sorry about that." She tapped my arm as she turned to leave, and I followed her. "So what time did you say you were picking me up again?"
"Uh," I said, falling into step beside her. "Around seven thirty."
"Okay, sounds good!" We each placed a hand on the door and pushed open, a gust of frighteningly cold air greeting us. As she spotted her mom's car, she waved and hurried down the steps. "See you tonight!"
I waved back and smiled. As I began stepping down the stairs myself, Bebe suddenly came around the corner and was immediately up in my face, like she was the goddamned paparazzi or something.
"Gee, you two sure are sweet," she said, dragging out every word, batting her eyelashes.
She had her hands clasped together and sighed contentedly. "It'd be a shame if you broke her heart, wouldn't it?"
"Hey, what?" I shot at her, staring her down furiously. "What makes you think-"
"I mean, it's totally obvious you like her and all," she said, really loudly.
"Look, we're going as frie-"
"But won't it be the saddest thing ever to see her mope about you? When you dump her,
or crush her little heart?" She went on, ignoring my futile attempts to argue with her.
I just grumbled in frustration and tried pushing past her. But she was there immediately to block my way again, her face looking much more serious than it had seconds before.
"Kevin, don't ignore this. We can see that you're reluctant to do or say lots of things, and a time will come when you really don't know what to do. But I swear," she said, She pointed a finger and jammed it up in my face, right under my nose. Her eyes narrowed in a very sinister manner, and she continued, "If you hurt that girl or do anything to upset her, I'll make sure to spit on your sorry grave."
Before I could utter a word in reply, she stormed off. I stood there for a minute after she left, dazed out of my mind. I shook my head in bewilderment before finally moving my legs that had turned to stone to walk to my car.
"Freakin weird," I mumbled as I stuck my key in ignition. As I turned on the rumbling engine and pulled out of the lot, I began to think about what she said.
Although it was most likely the voice of the demon that had possessed her, some of what she said had made me think. It made sense, but not that it was about me. Why had she suddenly turned so critical of me? And what made her say that bullshit?
Okay, I guess she was right with her main point. I'm reluctant to admit things, do things, yeah yeah, you know it. But then again, who isn't? At least a little? Maybe she isn't, but that's Bebe. There's no one else like her, and I don't exactly mean that in an encouraging way.
But why did she have to go about it like that? What's her deal, anyway? So what if I don't always want to barge into things before thinking about what I'm actually getting into? And how on earth does something like that tie into hurting Heidi . . ?
All of these questions swam in my head as I drove out of school limits, but none could be answered. It was pretty goddamn frustrating.
When I got home, my mom was in the kitchen, fixing me an early dinner so I could eat before I went to the dance. When I came into the house, she waved her spatula, and a few grains of rice went flying.
"Hey," she said, speaking loudly over the noise of the stove fan. "What time are you going to leave?"
"At like, seven," I replied. I glanced at the nearest clock: it was almost three. "So that means I have four hours to prepare . . . for my final boss battle!" I exclaimed, rubbing my hands in anticipation.
"I don't think so!" she snapped, sharply pointing her spatula at me. I picked a grain of rice out of my hair. "You will be getting ready from now until you leave. You are not going to this party ugly!"
"Well then," I mumbled. "Might as well not go at all," I said, laughing to myself. She threw me a look, and then I hurriedly exited the kitchen.
I went upstairs, threw the door to my room open, and stared longingly at my PS3. She was calling to me, I just knew it. All my games, pleading to be opened just for a bit. I turned. I looked from my games back to my door, and back and forth. If I closed my door, turned the volume down, I could battle a few hundred monsters and no one would ever have to know . . .
I turned around and tiptoed to my PS3 and turned her-I mean it-on, smiling as it softly purred to life. It had been a while since I heard that, I think. I was just about to grab a controller and start playing when I heard someone clear their throat. Caught red-handed, I looked up with an embarrassed grin, hoping I could shake my mom off like usual.
I wasn't her. It was my dad. Damn, I forgot he was going to be home today. Stupid, stupid me! I dropped my controller after a moment's hesitation, not really sure what else to do.
"Uh, hey," I said, trying to be casual. I pushed the controller under the TV stand.
He lifted an eyebrow.
It's not like me and my dad are on bad terms or anything, but it's kind of tense between
us. He's not home most of the time, since he works from about when I get off school to early in the morning. And things have just always been kind of iffy. We kind of lost our means of communication that we used to have when I was a little kid. And it gets really awkward when my mom says that I'm his "spitting image."
He folded his arms and began, "Aren't you supposed to be getting ready for a party?"
"It's a school dance," I corrected him. "And it's in four hours."
"Four hours, huh?" He repeated, stroking his chin. "Your mom didn't tell me that." He eyed the Macy's bag by the foot of my bed, and then my PS3. "You already know what you're going to wear?"
I nodded eagerly. "Yep," I replied hastily, hoping so badly that he would let it slide.
He clicked his tongue. "Okay, go ahead. I won't tell mom."
"Awh, yes!" I rejoiced.
"Just none of those gory, skull-splitting games, okay?" he said, grinning. "And as soon as you've finished dinner, you have to start getting ready."
"No problem," I told him, although I had wanted to play Resident Evil. "Thanks, dad."
He just lifted his chin with a smile and walked out of the room. I sent up a silent prayer of thanks to whoever was up there, if anyone.
I spent most of my time playing Final Fantasy XIII-2, one of my most favorite games yet. I thought the battle-style was absolutely brilliant. Even though I had already gotten through it twice in the short span of time I've had the game, I certainly didn't mind playing it again. My only dislike about it was that it wasn't an RPG. I really love those.
I had been playing for about two hours when I heard my mom call for dinner from down below. Glad to see a save spot in view, I quickly saved my game and turned off the console. That had been some good quality time with the old Play Station. Too bad it had to end so soon.
My mom eyed me suspiciously and slightly angrily as I came down the stairs and into the kitchen. I realized that since I had been playing video games since I got home, my appearance hadn't changed a bit. So much for getting ready, I thought remorsefully to myself.
"You were playing games, weren't you?" she asked critically, scooping stuff onto my plate as I tried to slip into my chair nonchalantly. My dad's eyes flickered up from his paper amusingly.
"Uh . . ." I drawled, coming up short. She raised an eyebrow, and I faltered. "Uh, yeah."
She sighed and handed me my plate. "Whatever. Just hurry up and eat so you can tidy up, okay?"
I nodded and took my plate from her. Home-made orange chicken, fried rice, and vegetable stir fry. I grinned hungrily as I picked up my fork.
Dinner was surprisingly pleasant. With my dad being home, it was more interesting than the one-on-one conversations I usually had with my mom. Everyone seemed a little more lively, and it just had an overall good feeling to it. Maybe my parents were happy about me going to the dance, too, but that makes me sound really lame. I mean, I'm not the coolest kid, but I'm not Napoleon Dynamite or anything.
After dinner, getting ready wasn't hard until my mom stepped into the picture. I had gotten my outfit put on the way I usually wear things, which meant causal looking and comfortable. I brushed my hair a little and did next to nothing else to improve my appearance.
Once she saw me in the hallway, she stopped me, screeching, "You think you can go like that? You've barely made a single attempt to make yourself look charming!"
"Hey, I try my best," I mumbled, shrugging.
"No, no, no. Look here," she said, turning me around and marching me into the bathroom. "You're not going to upset this girl by looking ugly and being a horrible date."
"Harsh, but a good point," I commented one-sidedly.
"You have such a charming look tonight, you'll be the piao liang tù of the party!" she told me excitedly.***
I groaned. "Please don't say that," I told her as she picked up my hairbrush.
"Aww," she cooed, papping my cheek with her free hand. "But we always used to call you little piao liang tù when you were young, and you'd smile from ear to ear!"
"Well I'm not a little piao liang tù anymore," I replied, my accent coming out.
She chuckled. "Okay, well then you've grown into a hao kan hǔ!"
I sighed. "I don't know which one is worse," I told her, hoping she would cut it out soon.
She spent a few more minutes brushing my hair, and then moved onto my clothes. She straightened them out and stretched the top down a little so it wasn't so crumpled at my waist. She folded my cuffs back so my hands stuck out all the way.
"If you want to look like the hao kan hǔ you are," she began to say, stepping back to assess her work, "then you can't dress yourself up like a hobo!"
She turned me around to face the full-length mirror at the end of our hall. She stood back and left me to inspect myself. I lifted my shoulders a bit, finding it kind of awkward to have to be doing this.
I guess Clyde and Bebe did a good job with what they picked for me, because my mom was overjoyed. My dad also stopped by to tell me I was "looking sharp," and flashed a smile at me before heading back downstairs. Right before I was about to head into my room, my mom popped out of it, holding a pair of glasses. They were the frameless ones that Bebe had picked out for me, telling me it would look good.
"Are these part of your outfit?" My mom asked, examining them.
"Yeah, I guess so, but I don't really want to wear them," I told her, waving them off with my hand.
"Try them on," she urged me. "They might look nice!"
I let out a brisk breath as I reluctantly took them from her and put them on. I turned back into the mirror, and was actually surprised. They didn't look half bad.
My mom clasped her hands together and smiled. "There; now you look even better!"
The frames were the perfect fit for my facial structure. They held up the jagged tips of my thick bangs, and the black frames greatly defined my blue eyes, making them seem much brighter than usual. I adjusted them, feeling like a much classier version of Clark Kent or something. To me, it seemed like they had kind of put the finishing touch on my outfit. I had a silky ultramarine dress shirt, topped with a black button-up vest and a silver and black tie. I had black jeans with a belt and hanging suspenders that matched the color of my shirt. My shoes were some cheap ripoff of Converse that we found that matched the shirt.
My mom came up behind me, fiddling with the suspenders. "Aren't these supposed to go over your shoulders or something?" she asked, lifting one up and examining it.
"Yeah, but I think that looks weird," I told her.
She clicked her tongue. "You said that about the glasses, too. And look how nice they
are!"
I shrugged. She had a point, and I hadn't even tried it out. I slipped them over my
shoulders and we stood there for a moment, taking in the change.
"Nah," I said quickly.
"Nope," my mom said simultaneously. We laughed as I shrugged them off my shoulders, letting them fall back to my sides.
I checked my phone. 6:52. Heidi said seven thirty, but I was planning on leaving earlier. Soon, actually.
I went downstairs in a flurry, taking my keys and coat off the hanger. My mom barred the door from me, waving her arms frantically and thrusting a camera at me.
"Wha, what?" I spluttered, almost dropping the thing.
"I need to take a picture of you!" she exclaimed.
"Then why'd you give the camera to me?" I asked, my eyebrows knitting together in confusion.
"Oh, I don't know," she replied, slightly flustered. "But let me get a picture of you!"
"Alone?" I asked, dropping my keys into my pocket. "That's weird."
"Ok yeah, it is," she agreed. Then the patted her hair down and took my jacket and
tossed it onto the bench under the coat hanger. "Take one with me!"
I laughed, handing the camera to my dad so he could snap a photo. She'd probably upload this to Facebook, and her and all her friends would talk about me being a little piao liang tù or whatever.
She hugged me snugly around the waist, and all three of us were smiling as the bright flash lit up the room. She patted my shoulder as I put on my jacket and grabbed my keys.
"See you later tonight," she said, squeezing my arm with a bright smile. "Have fun!"
"I will," I replied, as the words I hope quickly flashed in the back of my mind. I shot a quick smile at my dad and opened the door, stepping into the silent but freezing cold night. I quickly made my way to my car, careful not to step in any snow or slush. As soon as I turned the engine on, I turned the heater up past medium and turned down the radio. I backed out, and soon my house was shrinking in the rearview mirror.
As I drove to Heidi's I didn't contemplate much. My mind was pretty much blank, focused on the other cars passing by and turning corners. Jingle Bell Rock came on the radio, and I turned it down a little more. I wasn't quite into the Christmas spirit thing quite yet.
I pulled into her driveway to notice that her house was shining brightly. Christmas lights were strung along the gutters, and almost every light in the house seemed to be on, sending a soft glow through each window. The light from the living room changed insignificantly in brightness every few seconds, and I immediately assumed that the TV was on.
Leaving the keys in my car, I got out and walked up the steps to her front door. I was really trying my luck and hoping she was just about ready, because I realized that if she still needed a lot of time to get ready, that would mean lots of awkward get-to-know-the-parents time for me. I muttered a string of rather impolite words before I rang the doorbell.
I heard the shuffling of feet, and voices that I could tell were loud on the inside, but the door muffled all possible means of understanding it. Within a few seconds, I heard the door emit a dull chunk as it was unlocked, and it swung open, catching me in the bright light of the inside of their foyer. I stopped myself from squinting in the light and smiled.
"Hello, you must be Kevin?"
She was a little bit shorter than I was, with a kind face and happy green eyes. She was a little plump, but it gave her a nice mother-y look, if you know what I mean. She was wearing a green sweater with those Scandinavian Christmas pattern that you see on pretty much everything this time of year, and jingle-bell bracelets. She had a necklace that was pretty much a miniature string of Christmas lights, which I have to admit looked pretty cool. She looked a lot like Heidi, at least I could see where she got most of her traits from. They had the same pale, honey-brown hair and broad smiles.
"Yeah," I replied, nodding. Then, remembering to be a little more formal than usual, I brought up my chin a little and added, "Yes, that's me. Does Heidi know I'm here?"
"Oh, yes, she's right upstairs," she said. She stepped aside and pulled the door back, gesturing for me to come in. "It's awfully cold out there; come in and take a seat!"
I smiled gratefully and said a quiet "thanks," while in my head I was repeating shit shit shit shit shit shit. She gently closed the door behind me, and I slid off my jacket and hung it over my arm. To my great relief, she didn't offer to take it, which most likely meant that I wouldn't be here for long.
She passed in front of me, catching a quick glance, and told me as she pointed, "My, you are a handsome young man!" I heard my mom saying hao kan hǔ in my head, but I quickly pushed that out. Before I could utter an embarrassed thanks, she added, "I'll just go let Heidi know you're here."
I stood there alone as she left to go upstairs. I heard someone shuffling around in the kitchen, but, figuring that it was probably her dad, stayed put. I waited a bit nervously for a few minutes, being totally fucking paranoid and listening for sounds of movement. God, I play too many video games. It's her dad, for fuck's sake.
But, praise the Lord above, he poked his head out of the kitchen right when Heidi's mom came back downstairs. I was never more relieved to see her in the vast expanse of the two minutes I had known her.
"She'll be down in just a few minutes," she said to me.
"Okay, great," I replied. I wasn't quite sure to take that as meaning literally a few minutes, or a few minutes in ladyspeak, which would really be like half an hour. I hoped it was the former.
This may not come as a surprise to you, but I was pretty nervous. About tons of shit. But actually, what may surprise you is that I was way more worried about Clyde and Bebe than I was for me and Heidi. Naturally, they aren't the most stable couple, and Bebe's the kind of diva who wants to put on a show when she dumps someone, if you're getting my drift. And I'm supposed to be like, Clyde's right hand man or whatever tonight. I'm not coming home with a snot-nosed Clyde whining about shit I don't care about on my arm. I wouldn't know what to do with him. I'm not good at, er, comforting people.
"Make sure she's back back by nine-thirty," her dad told me in a gruff voice. He waved a big finger in my face. "And no funny business!"
I was so close to shitting my pants that it's not even funny. When he smiled and started laughing like a madman, I felt like I was about to faint. I put on my best smile without crying and forced myself to laugh with him.
He slapped my arm more roughly than I would have liked and said, "I'm just playin' with ya. I'm sure you'll take good care of 'er."
"Ha, no problem, sir," I replied, still forcing myself to laugh along with him. Heidi's dad is not the man I would like to be locked in a jail cell with. He had a worn, stony face and grey eyes that looked very tired. His muscles bulged under his shirt, and his facial hair looked like it wanted to lock onto my skull and eat my brains out.
I was about to abort the mission and cartwheel out the front door when we all heard Heidi chime from upstairs, "Alright, I'm coming!"
I let out a sigh. I think it was mainly a sigh of relief, but there was probably a good dollop of nervousness in there, too. We heard her coming quickly down the steps, and her mom turned to me and smiled.
What.
What does that look mean. Please stop giving me that look.
Am I supposed to do something when she gets down here? Like, what the fuck, Heidi's mom. Please. Stop.
Turns out she was just being weird and I didn't have to do anything, because when Heidi came down the stairs, all I did was say "Hey" and take her hand. I have to admit, Bebe did a pretty good job on coordinating our outfits, as far as I could determine. The main body of her dress was the same blue of my shirt, and all the accenting was black. Her jewelery was blue, her shoes were blue, and the silk rose on her black headband was blue. We were like blue and black peas in a pod.
Of course, her parents had to take pictures, but it wasn't long before we were out of the house (thank God) and on our way to the school.
She was buzzing with excitement. "We're gonna dance, right?" she asked.
"Oh, I dunno," I sighed. "I guess we have to, don't we?"
She rolled her eyes in a joking manner, smiling. "Of course we do. And you'll have fun once you start," she told me, as if it were solid fact.
"Hmph," I snorted in response, grinning. "I'm looking forward to seeing Clyde spill the punch bowl all over himself."
She clicked her tongue. "Don't say that," she scolded me, although I could tell that she was trying to suppress a giggle. Then she grew slightly more serious. "Maybe you haven't noticed, but he's been going through a bit of a rough patch."
This wasn't quite news to me. I had noticed a gloomier side of him recently, mainly occurring around Bebe, which was definitely odd. But he'd never said anything about it, which is again, odd. I thought we were close enough so that he would be able to tell me this kind of stuff. But then again, maybe that's just me over-judging things.
"I guess I have," I replied honestly. I turned on my blinker and merged into a line of cars waiting to get into the school parking lot. "But how do you know about it?"
She twiddled her fingers together shyly. "He's kind of desperate about it . . . he doesn't want to tell either you or Bebe, let alone that dickhead Craig. So he kind of just came to me."
I cocked my head. That was interesting. Clyde has some skeletons in the closet, it seems. But the fact that he supposedly felt like he couldn't tell me about it was, to be honest, slightly hurtful. "And I'm guessing that you're not allowed to tell me," I said to her. She smiled, blushing, and shook her head. I snorted. "Figures."
The line of cars started moving, and we inched into the parking lot. God knows why it was taking people so long to find a spot; the place was fucking huge. Maybe laziness got to the best of people, so they were being stupid and trying to find a space closer to the gym. I drove straight on until I found an empty spot without a second thought of how far we'd have to walk.
I got out of my side of the car, and then helped her out of hers. Like, proper people shit. From there we walked through school grounds, until we came to the double doors of the gym. We heard the bass from the music pumping steadily from where we stood, just outside the doors.
Upon walking inside, we both smiled. They did a pretty good job with making the ruddy old gym look nice. They strung christmas lights from every corner, all around the ceiling, and blinking lights in the shape of snowflakes were hung up on the walls. There were people talking in groups, some dancing, and some socializing and eating over at the tables, which were piled high with food. There was even a shiny red sleigh back in the corner where couples and friends could take a picture in.
"Well," I said, turning to her. "What do we do first?"
She looked around, and then back at me. "I don't know this song, so I'm not dancing to it."
She looked at me, slightly puzzled at first from not being able to hear herself speak. Increasing the volume of her voice, she suggested, "Why don't we go look for people to talk to?"
I shrugged. Like who?
"Yeah, okay," I said. She'd probably just make the rounds to say hi to all her girlfriends, and they'd compare dates. Poor Heidi; she only has me to show off.
Ironically, the first group we stumbled upon were not Heidi's friends. It was Craig, Tweek, Token, and Jimmy, dicking around over by the food. Craig was stuffing Tweek's mouth with sweets and soda, claiming he was trying to get him on a "sugar hype." Token rolled his eyes and said they had nothing better to do, and that his date was in the bathroom at the moment. Jimmy was trying to dance or something, and kept saying that he had "ants in my p-p-pants," and he was doing the "b-boogie d-d-dance." Yeah, we didn't stay with them for very long. We wished Token the best of luck with his date, and to Jimmy we wished him luck finding a date. Not in a teasing manner or anything like that. Just something polite to get us moving on.
After them, Heidi began to meet with her friends, and, like I said, they were comparing their dates. I don't think it was in a real serious way, because they kept punching Heidi's arm with silly little grins on their faces. But whatever, I wasn't paying any attention to them and I wasn't gonna start.
When we were walking around the gym for the second time, Heidi suddenly tugged on my arm, looking up at me with wide, excited eyes. "I know this song," she began, looking from me to the dance floor. "C'mon, let's go dance!"
"Wha-Gahh!" I made some stupid ridiculous noise as she pulled me out of the crowd and onto the edge of the group of dancing people. As I listened to the song, I kind of recognized it as some old '80s song or something like that. Something about a train, I think.
"My baby takes the mornin' train," Heidi began to sing gleefully as she took my hand and then my shoulder. It wasn't a very slow song, so I don't know how she expected me to dance to this. Still a bit unsure of dancing instinct, I took her hand and then her waist. "He works from nine to five and then, he takes another home again," she sang, instantly moving into a fast-paced two-step. "To find me waitin' for him!"
After a little, we cut the formal-ish dancing and just kind of pranced around the dance floor. After realizing that no one really knew me and therefore I had nothing to be embarrassed about, I kind of let go and realized that Heidi had been right when she said I'd have fun.
We danced in various informal styles to several more songs (some of which I knew) before we were both tired and decided to get a drink. We made our way over to the punch bowl, and as I poured her a cup, we both spotted Clyde and Bebe making their way through the crowd, greeting other couples. They were both dressed very stylishly, and looked very fancy. Heidi and I exchanged amused glances before growing serious as they approached us.
"Hey you two; you both look amazing!" exclaimed Bebe as she opened her arms for a hug. I tried my best to seem inconspicuous as I veered off to the side, leaving Heidi to be under attack by the cloud of suffocating perfume. "Are you guys having fun yet?"
I held my cup up to my mouth and took a long drink in attempt to avoid conversation.
"Uh yeah," Heidi said hesitantly, glancing quickly at me, and then back. "We danced quite a bit, actually."
Bebe smiled even more, and Clyde grinned to his best ability. Now that I thought about it, Heidi was right; he seemed very off and not like his usual self. It was unsettling, since I knew that taking Bebe to a dance had been his biggest dream, since like, forever.
"Well great!" she exclaimed, patting Heidi's cheek-who suddenly seemed a little uncomfortable. Then she tugged on Clyde's arm. "I guess we'll go do that too. See you two love-birds in a bit!"
With a giggle, they were off.
Love-birds? Really? ….Whatever.
Heidi sighed and then sat down in a chair at the table. I sat next to her.
Not really confident enough to ask her if she was okay, I decided to talk about neither of us. "So . . . Clyde," I began, eyeing her. "You were right about him being sullen a lot."
She nodded, looking up. I cannot emphasize just how relieved I was to see that she wasn't crying.
"Yeah," she replied, pushing a lock of hair behind her ear, "But I don't think you really have to worry about it."
"What? Why not?"
She shrugged, a smile dancing across your lips. "Oh, I dunno. But he told me that you shouldn't worry about it. Or him." She gave a dismissive wave of her hand. "Besides, I think you'll probably find out soon enough."
I didn't ask any further. I didn't see any point in doing so. So for about a half hour, we just sat down and talked to friends who came and went. I met a couple more of Heidi's friends, and we both talked to Token and Nichole for a little bit, who seemed to be enjoying their time together.
"Uh, I'm going to the bathroom real quick," Heidi announced, standing up.
"Okay," I said after taking a drink of my soda.
As she started to walk away, the song changed, and I noticed that it was vaguely familiar to me. The beat started going, and I recognized it as the song that Clyde had shown me on his iPod not too long ago.
Speak of the devil; as I looked up, I saw him walking towards me, no Bebe at his side. I sat up a little straighter.
Before I had a chance to even open my mouth, he said abruptly, "We should dance."
I stared at him. "Uh . . . come again?"
"We," he said, pointing first to himself then to me, "should dance." He finished by ballroom dancing with air. When he turned back to me, he was smiling.
I scooted up to the edge of my chair. Maybe he had done drugs in the past hour or something. I glanced around for Bebe, but she was nowhere in sight.
"Why don't you dance with Bebe?" I asked, peering up at him. Remembering what he had told me, I added, "Anyway, I thought this song reminded you of her or whatever."
"Oh come on, I lied," he said, shaking his head. "Bebe's not worth a crap."
Well, that came out plain and simple.
Something in the way my foot was tapping along to the beat wanted desperately to get out there and dance with him. But the rest of me was screaming no. And to be honest, I wasn't going to go on gut feeling that was coming from my foot.
Ooh la la, I'm fallin in love
"Uhh, I . . . I don't think so," I said hesitantly. I scooted back all the way in my chair.
And it's better this time, than ever before
Clyde sighed. "Please dude," he asked, bouncing one of his legs.
Ooh la la, I'm fallin in love
I could feel my face beginning to flush furiously. "W-why?" I stammered.
And it's better this time, than I've ever known
"Because," he said, stepping forward and reaching for my hands. "This song makes me think of you, not Bebe!"
I have fallen in love . . .
My mouth fell open. I didn't and couldn't believe my ears. I thought maybe the music was too loud and I had misheard him. Heidi's words rang in my head: Don't worry, you'll find out soon enough!
Dumbstruck, I stood up. I was about to take his hands and-
"Oh, there you two are!" Bebe shouted as she ran in between us. "Let's ditch this place and go to the drive-in already!"
Immediately I took it as my chance of escape, and grabbed Heidi's wrist and pulled her away.
"Okay yeah, meet you there!" Heidi called out behind her at Clyde and Bebe. Then she turned to me and hissed, "What's your problem?"
I made no attempt to reply. I made my way out of the gym as fast as possible, thanking god that we had parked away from where Clyde had.
Seeing that that wasn't the proper approach, she tried again, with more concern. "Kevin, what's wrong? Are you okay?"
"I-I uh," I began, stuttering as I fumbled with my car keys. "I just found out what you were talking about. Clyde."
I unlocked the doors, and we both hopped in. She smiled a little. "Did you now?" she asked, her eyes twinkling. "Then why were you so quick to flee? Don't tell me you don't feel the same way."
I stared at my steering wheel, and then at her. Moments passed before I spoke. "Because," I hissed, slapping my hand down on her seat, making her jump. "I'm scared!"
Her head slowly tilted to the side. "You're . . . scared?"
I sighed and let my hand fall, and I slide back in my own seat, feeling deflated. I nod my head.
"Yes. I'm scared shitless out of my mind. Because I'm going to be honest with you when I say I've felt this way for a while. But it's super fucking crazy when you realize that it's actually real!" You slap your hands over your face, and dig your nails into your forehead. "I wasn't prepared for this. This is fucking crazy. I'm not ready."
After a few moments of silence, I felt a soft tap on my shoulder. I peered at her from a crack between two of my fingers.
"Hey," she said, smiling kindly at me. "Being scared shitless is part of life. And we're trying to enjoy that right now."
She touched my car keys and beamed at me. "C'mon. We have a movie to see."
My hands slid down from my face, to reveal a small, grateful smile. I didn't think I needed to say anything out loud about how fantastic she is.
I stuck my keys in the ignition and turned on the engine, and I backed out of the parking lot and headed to the drive-in.
When we pulled into the drive-in, the previews were already rolling. Which I guess was fine, but I personally love to watch movie previews. I dunno.
I asked Heidi if she wanted to try and find Clyde's car, so we could park next to them. I didn't think it was necessary to, but I don't know what she would've wanted.
"Um, nah," she said, with something I took as slight hesitation in her voice. "We can just find any old spot. We don't have to be anywhere near them."
I shrugged, trying to ignore the feeling of dread that I was getting from her. "Alright," I replied casually, driving around to the emptier side of the parking lot.
The movie we were seeing was The Lucky Ones, some chick flick. I'd heard that The Amazing Spider-Man was also playing tonight, which I'd way rather see. But it wasn't my choice, and I guess I'm fine with anything. It's not like I have to love the movie. Or pay attention to it.
We both sat there, a respective but not unusual distance from each other, watching the movie. Neither of us was gonna do any talking, because I could tell she was into the movie, and I have to admit, I was getting a little into it, too. We both laughed and smirked at funny parts, and she smiled at the romantic parts, while I simply waved them off. It was nice though, being able to sit there in silence, just being content with each other's presence. I didn't feel like I had to make conversation, which was great. I was happy with just silently watching the movie, and I really felt like she was, too. It was a good feeling to get my mind off of things for the time being. I mean, I guess I really should be thinking about this whole situation, but, me being me, of course I didn't.
About halfway through the movie, she asked me, with her eyes still focused on the screen, "Hey, Kevin . . . how quick are you to judge a person?"
I looked at her in surprise, not saying anything for a moment. "Um . . ." I said slowly. She was totally serious, and I didn't know how on earth to answer that. I don't judge people too much, because first of all I don't know too many, and second of all, I don't like to be judged by others. "Not very quick, I guess. Uh, why?"
For a few moments, she didn't say anything. She only blinked a few times. I was about to shrug and face the screen again, when she opened her mouth to speak.
For a second longer, no sound came out, until she finally said, "Because I don't want you to judge me."
This piqued my interest. I gazed at her, waiting for her to continue. I didn't know if she was just being philosophical or something, saying weird things that didn't really pertain to me. But I was guessing otherwise.
"I won't judge you," I offered, seeing that she was actually waiting for me to reply. "Heidi?"
She turned to me, her green eyes locking with mine. "You know all this, this, crazy shit that's been happening to you lately? With Clyde and Bebe and stuff?"
My mouth fell open a little. Like I said, I'm not quick to judge people, but this was going downhill fast. I kinda had enough trauma for the night already, and I didn't know what else I could take. But I mean, it's only Heidi, right? Ha, what kind of blow can this innocent girl be capable of delivering to me . . ?
I swallowed. ". . . Yeah?"
"Well," she said, her voice cracking. Then her words spilled out almost uncontrollably, "It's all my fault. I'm so sorry. It's probably been hell for you, but it has for me, too! I owed Bebe, she gave me money for it, and at first Clyde thought it'd be a good idea too, but now it's all wrong, it's all so terribly wrong. Now Clyde's pissed off about everything and Bebe's jealous and I have no idea if I'm still supposed to do anything or not, but knowing Bebe I probably do—"
"Heidi."
"And now you have to deal with it too because I'm a terrible person and I can't do anything right and I'm so fucking stupid! I can't believe I agreed to this in the first place. But I don't think you understand how much pressure I was put under! It was insane, I literally had no choice, but now everything is screwed up, well, I guess it was from the start, but—"
"Heidi!" I shouted, clasping a hand over her mouth. "Stop!"
I let go of her mouth, and she took a deep breath in, and started sobbing. I quickly took her hand, which was trembling, and pushed her bangs out of her face. She couldn't look me in the eye, and I found it almost hard to look at her too, crying as she was. And I didn't even know what for.
"Heidi," I said softly, wiping a stream of tears off her cheek with my thumb. "Heidi, take in a deep breath. I . . . I have no idea what you're talking about."
I held her like this for maybe a minute more, then she finally calmed down and looked back up at me. She wiped her eyes and sniffled, but she still didn't smile.
"I swear up and down I was forced to do it," she sobbed. "It was all Clyde's and Bebe's idea. Clyde said it would be best for you, and Bebe agreed. Plus, I owed Bebe a huge favor, I guess."
"What on earth did you owe her for?" I asked, trying to avoid the big question. Fuck, I shouldn't be doing that.
"I used t-to be fat," she spat out. "She gave me pills and stuff to help me lose the weight. They made me puke a lot, but it was like I couldn't stop using them once I started. And she said they were hard to come by, so I was in her debt." She held back a sob, as if the memories were physically painful. I listened in shock. "And she gave me some cream stuff to help heal scars. I had taken a knife and cut the stretch marks I used to have, hoping that new skin would grow over, and they'd be gone. Of course that didn't happen."
If it weren't for the glove box and parking brake that was setting us apart, I would've been hugging her very, very tightly. I had no idea she was so insecure, and that she had been through so much conflict with herself. She never, ever seemed like that type to me. But unfortunately, those things were separating us, so I could only hold her hand tightly, and stoke the side of her face.
Now I wanted to ask her what she had to do for them, and more importantly, how it had anything to do with me. But I knew that was so fucking selfish, that I didn't even try. I waited patiently for her to calm down once more, until she could tell me everything without any prompting.
"Oh my god . . . they said, they said it would benefit the both of us, and it would be no big deal. That it would totally be a secret . . . and they reminded me how desperate I am, and how everything would just get better from there . . ." she was breathing quickly again, but she was still good enough to keep talking to me. I felt her hand trembling again.
She finally squeezed my hand back, as if she had gained strength. "Y-you know what they were gonna make me do? They said we needed to . . ."
My stomach dropped. Or, it rose into my chest, I have no idea. She didn't need to finish, it all made sense. And she saw that I understood in my eyes, because she closed her mouth and said no more. Of course, maybe a little while ago, Clyde would've thought it was a good idea for two virgins to get together, but heck, I was so sure he was regretting it now. And it totally seems like something that Bebe would set up.
I sat there for a couple minutes, my face burning red. Yeah, it was pretty fucked up. Finally, without saying anything, I slipped my hand out of hers and turned the engine of my car on. It was time to go home. I stepped on the gas, nearly crashing into a couple other cars. We were out of the drive-in within tens of seconds, and then I was speeding through the neighborhoods, not slowing until I was on Heidi's street. I slowed in front of her house, the bright Christmas lights shining through the windshield.
I parked, and then got out of the car. I opened her side, offered her my hand, and pulled her up.
As we were walking up her driveway to her steps, she murmured, "Don't be mad at me."
"I'm not."
"Don't lie, either."
"I'm not mad at you," I reassured her, giving her a light hug around the waist. "I'm definitely mad at someone else."
Taking my words to be the truth, she smiled weakly, and god, it was the best thing I had seen all night. She wiped out her tears as best as she could, and I hoped she had something clever in mind to tell her parents if they noticed.
I walked her up the steps, and before she opened door, she turned around to hug me tightly.
"I'm sorry you got so involved in all this," she said. "But good luck, too."
Before I could reply, she turned away with a smile and went through the door, softly closing it.
I stood out there numbly in the cold for a second. I wondered if she was doing the same thing on the other side of the door. And I wondered what Clyde was doing.
God, I was so fucking angry. I could care less about being a part of this, because I have no doubt that I could've dealt with everything myself. But after hearing what Heidi had to do with it? My blood was just boiling.
If I had any clue where Clyde, or even Bebe, was at the given moment, I would've went straight there to tell them off. And get things straight. And who does Clyde think he is? He thinks he can just mess around with the two of us like that, and then suddenly turn around and, and, and . . .
I sighed and slumped against one of the wooden posts on either side of the front steps.
And what?
Say he likes me?
I trudged back to my car, leaving foot prints in the lightly falling snow. I slid in, turned on the engine, and slowly backed out of her drive way. I cruised slowly through the neighborhood this time around, heading for home.
But how can I be angry at him when I feel the same way?
I yanked the steering wheel to the left and hammered down on the gas, speeding out of the residential area. I headed down a familiar road, not even glancing at the sign that read Stark's Pond as it flashed by.
I drove slowly onto the grass and parked my car, cutting the engine and stumbling out in frustration. I figured that my night was over and that I'd probably burn this suit later, so I seated my ass down on the bank in the snow, dragging my knees up to my chest. I folded my arms over my knees and nestled my head there, just staring out onto the lake.
After I had stared out angrily at the water for a number of minutes, I looked around me. There were a few, maybe three or four, couples huddled together, a couple on the hoods of their cars. I snarled from behind my sleeves. They probably thought they were in love. Did they really think it was that fucking simple? It was starting to make me sick, so I turned away and looked back out on the lake once again.
I don't know how long I sat there. I was freezing, shivering, and all my limbs and everything on my face was numb. I was 100% sure that I would be catching pneumonia and probably hypothermia by the end of the night. But that would be okay. Because then I wouldn't have to talk to people.
I heard the engine of a car coming into the lot, and I grumbled as I thought of it probably being another couple "in love." Maybe I should just leave. Sitting there in the snow, freezing my ass off, really wasn't helping anyone, and it looked like things were getting a little crowded, anyway. I decided to sit there until I couldn't feel my elbows. Ten more minutes, maybe?
I had my eyes closed, breathing in the cold, when I heard someone's footsteps crunch behind me.
". . . Kevin?"
I cringed. I didn't say anything for a few seconds, and neither did he.
This was not happening. This really was not fucking happening.
I turned my head back just slightly.
"The fuck do you want."
There was a moment's hesitation before he replied. I saw his feet shuffle slightly out of the corner of my eye.
"I figured you might be here," he murmured.
"Well that's fucking great," I spat. "Congratulations."
There was an even longer pause, and I thought he was going to walk away. Which I wouldn't have felt bad for. Because honestly, I didn't know what the fuck I wanted.
I heard him clear his throat. "I came to . . . apologize," he said softly.
His words pierced my ears like knives. I bolted onto my feet in a second, glaring at him.
"Apologize?" I repeated. "Apologize?"
I was furious. His hazel eyes had opened wide, and he was obviously startled. But I didn't want any of this bullshit. Not now, not ever.
He opened his mouth to say something, but for a moment, no sound came out. He finally stuttered, saying, "I-I really thought t-that you . . ."
"That I what? Huh?" I snapped, taking a step back, away from him. "What did you think about me, Clyde?"
He stood there, speechless. I could tell he wasn't expecting me to be so angry.
"I know," I began, fuming. "I know all about your plan with Bebe, the one involving Heidi and I. It's sick. I can't believe that you were in on it! I don't even know why I'm talking to you right now."
His facial expression had switched to totally surprised, sorry, to something clouded. A mixture of feelings. I couldn't tell what it was harboring.
"Kevin," he said, giving a quick shake of his head. "Kevin, you don't get it."
"I don't?" I scoffed. "Alright, fine. What don't I get?"
He glared at me and but his lip, as if he was having a major struggle with finding something to say.
"Everything!" he snapped. "Everything and anything! You don't get any of it!"
"Yeah? Well looks like you don't either!
We glared at each other, both equally angry. Well, maybe. I don't know if he could match my anger; not now, not ever.
This really wasn't how things were supposed to go down. It's not how I wanted them to go down. I admit, I felt defeated. Like, I had slipped up and done something wrong to make this all go awry.
But now wasn't the time for remorse. I was damn angry.
"I can't talk to your right now," I said in a low voice, trying not to boil over. "I'm not going to."
I began to push past him, when he grabbed my collar and pulled me back, my feet slipping on the bank. "If you would just, just . . . listen!"
"Fuck you!" I shot at him.
Frustrated, he heftily pushed me away. My heel landed unsteadily on a slab of frozen grass, and I felt my feet, stumbling, trying to get a firm grasp on dry grass. There was none. I was falling, so quickly, but it seemed like a lifetime.
As the back of my head broke through the ice and hit the freezing water, the last thing I saw was Clyde turning around, extending his hand.
Then I went numb, and everything was black.