AN: I really appreciate everyone's patience with this story. I know updates are slow and it's because I've been busy with side projects. Things should pick up in August when convention season is over for me. :) Should you ever be curious about story statuses, I try to keep them accurately listed on my profile page.
Negotiated Infidelity 06
Irreconcilable Differences
He stared up at the Tokyo sky, the stars visible only if he squinted hard enough; and even then he caught the slow movement across the black divide. There were no stars in this city. They were here on the ground, in that far off untouchable space that Naruto had dreams of inhabiting.
And now Sasuke had the opportunity to shift from this world to that one, to close himself off in that untouchable unknown; the one Naruto had dreamed of since he first understood the concept of fame and the acknowledgment that came with it.
Naruto closed his eyes and curled up on his side, there on the dirty concrete. His jaw ached from the pain of Gaara's earlier punch and he made no move to alleviate it. He needed this sharp reminder that his current life was a mess. And he was a mess. Bruised, bleeding and now covered in the dirt of the rooftop, he felt open and raw, like a wound left to fester.
He would never be smart like Shikamaru nor handsome like Neji. He doubted he would even become popular in a way that Sasuke achieved without even trying. All that he had was on that field and in the small apartment he began to consider home.
His chest seized with fear at the thought of losing that. He couldn't go back to being alone. He couldn't bear the idea that his dream might not come true.
Sasuke wouldn't leave him. He couldn't. Not now, after all the uphill struggles they had faced to get here. It had been their dream, theirs.
A panic welled up inside him. He sat up, palms pressed against the rough surface. A pebble dug into thumb and he ignored it, pushing himself onto his feet.
It had been their dream to go pro together, he reminded himself, pushing away at the niggling doubts that crept up on him.
So what if they hadn't discussed it lately? So what if Sasuke never actually verbalized it. He had smiled when Naruto mentioned it in the past and not teased him or raised objections and this was practically an acceptance of things as far as Sasuke was concerned.
There was always a sense that their dreams for the future included each other in it. It was why they endured each other and pushed one another so hard.
Naruto snorted and shook his head. But even that part was wrong. Sasuke had always been a star. He had always been the talented one while Naruto struggled to keep up, to best his rival. And for a time, he had considered them even.
Naruto began moving with a sense of urgency. He had to get home, he had to talk to Sasuke and find that reassurance he craved. His feet carried him to the propped open door and he reached for it, forcing deep breaths to calm himself. They needed to talk, to remind each other of why they were here in the first place. He nodded to himself as though this was the solution. This would clear up everything.
If he could just remind Sasuke that they had a life together; that they loved each other. . .
Naruto's fingers hesitated at the door. Not love, he corrected himself. Because Sasuke didn't believe in love.
Regard? Devotion? Fidelity?
Naruto shoved his fist into the door. He connected with solid wood, the skin splitting across his knuckles.
"Fuck," he drawled out.
Gaara was right. Somewhere along the line Naruto had stopped trying to challenge Sasuke. It was enough to share his team, his bed, to dwell in the shadow of that spotlight while he secretly pat himself on the back for holding his own. Somewhere along the line he became too caught up in being a good teammate, or an understanding lover. He began negotiating his life to keep Sasuke in it.
Naruto breathed heavily through his nostrils. All that hurt, all that confusion from earlier in the day had warped into anger. His body trembled with it and he felt the obscene urge to hurt something, to lash out and pour out everything through his fists. He punched the door with his other fist and then the other. He put his strength in it, ignoring the bloodied, raw flesh on his hands and the smears of blood smudged against the dark paint. He jabbed until his arms were weak with exhaustion, his body heaving with the effort of fighting an opponent that would not yield. And when his strength finally left him he sank against it. He choked out a sob, clenching his fists against his chest.
He was furious and he was hurt. Gaara's words rang in his ears. What sort of idiot? he had asked. Naruto looked down at his bloodied hands and screwed his eyes shut.
Naruto was curled up on the couch when he heard the jangle of keys and the creak of the front door. He frowned against the sudden light, aware only of the aches all over his body. His head felt heavy and swollen, and the light stung to the point that moisture leaked from the corners of his eyes. He raised a hand to shield his vision, blinking it away and noticed Sasuke standing there. He was dressed up, in pair of white slacks and a midnight blue button up shirt.
"Who did you murder?" Sasuke asked. Naruto lowered his hand to look at his bandaged fist. His hand would be bruised and swollen tomorrow, he realized. His coach and his team would ask questions and he would have to think up an answer.
Sasuke snorted and didn't wait for a reply. He threw his keys onto the coffee table, the other hand carefully supporting the packet under his arm. Naruto eyed it warily.
"Where were you?" Naruto said gruffly, his voice still heavy with sleep.
Sasuke ignored the question. He walked calmly toward the bedroom, eyes trained forward until he paused at the door frame.
"Out," he flipped on the light switch and disappeared inside. Naruto pushed himself up and off the couch, tottering after him.
"With who?" Naruto asked.
Sasuke bent over, tucking the packet very carefully into his back pack. He zipped up the bag and propped it up by the night stand on his side of the bed. He continued to ignore Naruto as he moved to the dresser and began taking off his shirt.
"With who?" Naruto ground out.
Sasuke regarded him over his shoulder, one brow lifted with incredulity. Naruto recognized the look and he knew it meant he would get no answers.
Sasuke allowed the shirt to slip free of his wide shoulders. Naruto examined every part of his body, almost hoping for a mark or a sign that he was out with a fuck and not the agent Gaara warned him about. His back was free of any new marks, and only the bruise from Kiba's love bite still lingered.
Naruto marched forward and clenched Sasuke's upper arm. "Answer me, you bastard," he yanked roughly. Sasuke spun to face him, his eyes narrowed angrily. He wrenched his arm away and shoved both palms into Naruto's chest, sending him stumbling a few feet back.
"No," Sasuke replied. He rolled his shoulder to shake off Naruto's touch. "No answers. Not tonight."
Naruto shook with fury. He was being taught a lesson like a child being put in his place. He understood it, really, and he hated it. He hated all these games and the constant power struggles. He hated the times when that ugly side of Sasuke reared its head and felt the need to put Naruto in his place. He hated it when Sasuke felt the need to reinforce just how easily he could obtain the upper hand.
"Don't do that!" Naruto yelled. "You know how much I hate it when you ignore me."
Sasuke's body tensed. He had been calm a minute ago and this one statement had flipped a switch, like waking a serpent that was now preparing to strike. "I'm not ignoring you," he spat.
"Yes you are. You're angry so you're shutting me out, because you know that's the quickest way to hurt me. You know it's the one thing I can't stand."
Sasuke tilted his head and warned him with a single murderous glance. He didn't deny it, because he couldn't.
"I don't deserve this," Naruto said.
Sasuke snorted. He looked away like he wasn't interested in listening, but the lines of his shoulders were still tense.
"I told you what happened, I told you I slept with someone. Maybe I was a day late and maybe I made an excuse that first night, but it was because I was ashamed. You know this was my first time and I had to come to terms with it. It was one night, Sasuke. One stupid night when I deal with you sleeping around every week."
"Don't turn this on me!" Sasuke snarled. "You set the rules, not me."
Naruto tipped his head back and laughed.
"You mean the rules I set for you in the first place? The rules I never had to deal with before because I don't feel the need to constantly keep one foot out the door? I can apologize all I want, I can promise to never do it again, but the truth of the matter is that I was jealous, and I was tempted and I thought, you do it, why shouldn't I? But in the end, I'm not you. At the end of the day I couldn't just brush it off as if it was nothing. And that's what makes me feel sick to my stomach. So excuuuse me if it took me a day to get up the courage to tell you."
"Oh, so this is my fault?" Sasuke barked back. "I told you my conditions and you agreed. If this isn't what you wanted then you should have said so in the first place!"
Sasuke rushed forward and tried to shoulder his way to the doorway. Naruto grabbed his arm as he passed, pushing him against the wall.
"Don't," he growled, squeezing Sasuke's arm a little tighter. "You know why I agreed to this. Don't tell me you don't. You're the smart one, remember? Not me."
Sasuke tipped his face downward, keeping his eyes trained on the floor. Naruto leaned in so close he could make out the curl of his eyelashes. He didn't try to shake off Naruto's grip this time, but he shut his eyes, squeezing them tight against his words.
"You know," Naruto said more meaningfully, that last word tinged with an emotion that set Sasuke's teeth on edge.
"Don't say it," he growled. "Don't you fucking say it."
Naruto frowned, something inside him crumbling just a little at Sasuke's tone. His hands came up to Sasuke's face, thumbs brushing against his jaws. "Why not?" he asked. He had tried to keep his voice steady, but that last word cracked. Sasuke's gaze flitted, scrambling sideways to look at anything but him. His expression grew distant, vacant even as he tuned out. Naruto's hands slid away.
"When are you going to stop being such a fucking coward?" Naruto said viciously. He paced across the bedroom floor, hand swiping at the objects on the dresser angrily. The picture frame landed with a crash.
"All those rules, all those times I forced myself to listen to your conquests and hated myself for it! And in the end I consoled myself that I meant more to you. I consoled myself with this silly notion that you were mine." Naruto laughed derisively.
Gaara's words, his sneer came back to him.
Naruto squeezed his hands into tight fists. The scabbed flesh over his knuckles tore again and he held onto this sensation, and tried to clear his head with the pain. He forced himself to calm down before he became violent again.
"You were never going to be mine, were you?" Naruto asked. His heart raced as the words left his mouth.
Sasuke was silent. His nostrils flared, and his mouth twisted in disgust.
"What the fuck do you think this is?" Sasuke waved, his arm encompassing their room and the bed they shared for the past two years. There were pictures of them tacked on the wall, and knick-knacks of their shared adventures littering small spaces. Naruto's throat burned as he took a look around.
"Honestly, I don't know," Naruto said soberly. Sasuke paused, his shoulders slumping as the fight left his body. He looked up with a startled look in his eyes that brought a sympathetic smile to Naruto's lips. "I don't know what we're doing anymore."
His chest ached with the admission. He felt a dull burn that worked its way up his throat. Naruto swiped at his eyes hastily.
"You think I let other people hug me whenever they want to? You think I put up with their dirty socks in odd corners or their ridiculous snores?"
"But you sleep with them!" Naruto shouted.
"No, moron, I sleep with you. I only have sex with the others and when we're done, I kick them out and you're the one in my bed when I close my eyes at night."
"You know what I mean," Naruto retorted.
Sasuke shook his head and rubbed his eyes with one hand. "When are you going to understand that it's just sex?"
His brows sloped downward, lips pressed tight. His eyes slipped close as he visibly struggled to regain his composure.
Naruto loosed an audible sigh. He forced himself to calm down, to stop himself from blathering angry nonsense and tried to actually understand what it was that Sasuke was saying.
"And I've been trying to tell you that I can't see it that way. To me it's more than that."
His voice seemed too loud in the quiet room and more argumentative than he had intended, but there it was. That was the problem. Naruto rubbed his hair in frustration. He felt like he was butting heads against a wall. When he looked up, Sasuke was frowning.
"What does he mean to you?" Sasuke asked. His dark brows narrowed though he held his body still.
Naruto frowned at the implication. He shook his head, caught off guard by the change in subject when the meaning of his careless statement became clear. Naruto's mouth opened wordlessly. He remembered his one night in the hotel room, how dazed and distracted he had been because of it and felt his cheeks flare with shame.
"Nothing," he said automatically.
He felt like a specimen being observed under a microscope. At this point Sasuke had probably observed his guilt by that minute reaction alone.
Naruto shook his head. There were still things he couldn't bring himself to say out loud. There were things he still couldn't admit to Sasuke, or himself; the private conversation, or the brief moment in which he felt connected. As real as it might have been, it wasn't worth pursuing. Not if it meant losing his best friend. He had tried to do anything but think about it and now he had to verbalize what he himself struggled to understand.
Naruto sank onto the bed. Why had he done it? He rested his arms on his knees, thinking about those stormy green eyes and hard-to-read expression that pushed away the most casual observer. He alone had stood out in the crowded room and there was something different about him, something untouchable. And yet behind the prickliness and harsh words was a capacity for tenderness when the mask slipped long enough.
Naruto's chest rose with a sigh.
"Honestly?" Naruto asked. He frowned a little, mind working through that scene on the rooftop, that moment when he felt the other man's loneliness and he wanted to comfort him. It was this that troubled him more than the physical intimacy. It was this need to support and protect his rival the unsettled him.
Sasuke's brows shifted, softening into a look that was almost scared, as though he were bracing himself against the reply.
"I don't know," he said. "I'm not good at figuring this stuff out." Did he want Gaara as a friend? A rival?
Naruto wrapped his arms across his waist. He thought of his excitement on the field, and his determination to impress Gaara; the need to prove himself in a way he hadn't felt with Sasuke in a long time.
The realization startled him and he kept his eyes on the floor while he searched for his words carefully
"Maybe he reminded me of you, of us," he said, lifting his gaze to meet Sasuke's. And as soon as the words left him, he knew he had stumbled across a kernal of truth. They were similar in ways. Those green eyes he had encountered in the pub were no different than the look he received from a twelve-year-old boy on the playground. "He's just like you, or who you used to be."
Time seemed to stretch twice as long in the ensuing silence. Naruto grew antsy as Sasuke failed to respond. "Say something, will you?" he said impatiently.
Sasuke's expression was so blank it infuriated him. His dark eyes were measuring something, calculating some response that made Naruto uneasy.
"I don't know what you want from me," he concluded after a prolonged pause.
Naruto's expression twisted with pain, and frustration. He felt exhausted, physically and mentally. He could have curled up in a ball and just cried, but instead he pushed himself onto his feet. Slowly, he closed the distance between then, hands coming up to rest on either side of Sasuke's shoulders.
"Don't do this, don't run" Naruto pleaded. "Nothing has changed! Nothing. I fucked up, and I admit it, and I'll do whatever I have to to make up for it. But we both know that's not the issue here." His hands trembled against Sasuke's shoulders. He sucked in a breath, gathering up his strength. Sasuke's shoulder was smooth and bare beneath his rough palm. He slid his hand against it and down the well muscled arm.
"The problem is I know what I want. It's the same thing I've always wanted."
His other hand shook as it slid up along the pale collar bone, nervous like he was just touching Sasuke for the first time.
"That thing you're too afraid to let me say." His fingers curled against the back of the slender neck.
Sasuke's dark eyes were guarded and distant. Naruto felt like he was walking on thin ice. He inched his way forward, holding his breath while he waited for the floor to cave under him. And when Sasuke remained silent, the slightest dip between his brows, Naruto pressed his mouth against Sasuke's parted lips. He kept them there, despite the frustrating lack of reciprocation. His fingers gripped the base of Sasuke's skull, fingertips skimming soft spikes of hair. He moved his mouth clumsily, trying to coax the other into the kiss, forceful even as he shoved his tongue against the motionless mouth, desperately searching for a response.
Even an angry response was better than nothing.
His arm slid to Sasuke's waist, pulling the other torso against his. He brought his mouth down to Sasuke's jaw line, nuzzling the skin.
"I won't let you run from me, teme," he squeezed the other body.
Sasuke's hand gripped the back of his hair, tugging so that Naruto's head jerked back painfully. Sasuke's dark gaze roamed his face, dipping down to his lips while his mouth parted with a rush of air. His gaze softened and then their teeth were knocking. Sasuke's grip was tight enough to rip out a few tender strands of hair.
Naruto's limbs shuddered. He pawed Sasuke's back, his fingers raking over the bare skin, scrabbling to hold him and yet touch everything.
Naruto's shirt was lifted and he raised his arms, allowing the garment to be pulled free with one swift movement. The kiss resumed as soon as the fabric was free of his head. Fingers undid the clasp of his jeans with well-practiced grace.
Sasuke tried to move away, to remove their clothes, but Naruto tightened his grip on the back of his lover's neck, keeping their mouths locked in place. Instead he hopped in a frenzied dance to remove the rest of his clothes. He tripped on the last leg, body bouncing onto the bed. Sasuke was there, hovering over him, the fabric of his jeans rough between his thighs.
Sasuke's weight settled over him. Their mouths met again, more gently this time and when Sasuke moved to pull away, Naruto dug his fingers into black hair. He held him until his mouth lingered long enough to convey what he was feeling.
He opened his eyes and met the pained look in Sasuke's that reflected a measure of understanding; a communication they could either live with or continue to ignore.
Naruto didn't wait for the answer. He shifted in Sasuke's embrace, wiggling to turn his body until his belly pressed flat against the mattress. His cheek rested against the pillow, his gaze settling on the frayed edge of the duvet. He brought his hand up and picked at it, trying to stop the slight unsteadiness of his limbs.
There was a pause in which he heard nothing but his own ruffled breath and the pulse beating against his ear.
Sasuke's fingers brushed his back, hesitant at first before a finger slid down his side. The pressure in those fingertips increased as they traveled down a deliberate path. Naruto sucked in a breath during the first moments of discomfort. Sasuke's mouth came down on his shoulder and Naruto forced himself to relax, to remind himself why this was important. He dug his face into the pillow and focused on the warmth of Sasuke's mouth trailing down his side. And when he heard the tear of the condom, he ignored the pain in his bruised knee and raised his hips.
"I love you," he breathed, tangling his fingers into the sheets. He forced a deep breath to calm himself, squeezing his eyes shut against the anticipation of pain.
In his waiting, it took a moment to realize that Sasuke had stopped. The pervading stillness suddenly terrified him. His heart began to race and the pillow at his cheek was somehow suffocating. And when Sasuke's hand covered his own he nearly choked with relief.
The pain was a relief.
Sasuke's body was warm as it enveloped his, his fingers gripping Naruto's tightly.
Naruto shoved his face deeper into the pillow. "I love you," he cried.
Sasuke propped his head up with one hand, staring at the dark ceiling of his bedroom. Naruto's breath was an even rhythm beside him, a soothing tone despite the conflict in his heart.
He closed his eyes and willed himself to sleep and yet as soon as he did his mind kept racing, turning the same circle of logic until he reversed his decision again. He opened his eyes and observed his lover, his body sprawled out and tangled awkwardly in the sheets. He was like a child sometimes and this was equally frustrating and endearing in a way that simply hurt right now.
He knew this day had to come sometime. And now that it was here he wavered at the threshold with one foot bound by the very thing he had promised to avoid.
Sasuke shut his eyes and this time he imagined Itachi. He thought of his parents and the disappointment he had been to them before they died. And when he opened his eyes he looked at Naruto, and pictured the warm smile that had too long distracted him from his goals.
Sasuke shifted in the bed, turning onto his side to observe his best friend more carefully. Naruto wasn't the smartest person in the world. He wasn't even the best looking. But there was an energy, a passion that raged so fiercely that it was easy to get lost in it. And Sasuke had allowed it. He let himself get caught up in that storm.
Sasuke leaned until he felt Naruto's breath against his lips. His mouth hovered just out of reach while his fingers itched to touch that sun-kissed cheek.
Naruto's words still echoed in his heart and he grit his teeth.
"You fool," he whispered in reply.
Naruto blinked slowly. His blurred vision slowly cleared, the shadows turning into well-recognized objects. He yawned drowsily, limbs stretching out and immediately regretting it. Everything seemed to hurt.
He let out a slow breath, one hand feeling along the empty bed. He pushed himself up and noticed the empty room, the bathroom door open and uninhabited.
Naruto pushed his legs over the bed and climbed onto his feet a little unsteadily. His head was foggy with drowsiness and he barely noticed the broken glass of the picture frame in time to avoid stepping on it.
Naruto rubbed one eye with his fingers, blinking his eyes until he felt more awake and padded toward the kitchen to get the broom.
The bandage on his knuckles was coming undone. He would have to fix that too at some point, along with nursing his many bumps and bruises. His knee was indeed sore today and his jaw too where Gaara had punched him.
He reached the kitchen and found it equally silent and empty, save an odd buzzing noise coming from the couch. It took a moment for him to realize it was his phone. Naruto went to his bag and picked it up. He felt more alert when he noticed the string of missed calls and messages. Shikamaru's name flashed across the display screen.
"Hello?" he said groggily.
"Where the HELL have you BEEN?" Shikamaru yelled in his ear. "I've been calling you all morning!"
"What's wrong?" Naruto asked, alarmed.
"You should know what's wrong!" Shikamaru replied. "Sasuke is what's wrong!" he said.
Naruto was seized with panic. His hand trembled as he looked around and realized Sasuke's shoes and keys were gone.
"What happened?" he asked, his imagination racing ahead, imagining a million different accidents that might have occurred between his apartment and campus. "Is he alright?"
Shikamaru was silent on the other side.
"Shit," he said muttering something under his breath. "Then he really didn't tell you. What an asshole," Shikamaru continued.
"What's wrong?" Naruto asked, panicked now. "Tell me!" he demanded, already rushing to his bedroom. He flipped on the light switch moving to the dresser to get some clothes. He crept carefully across the floor, eyes trained on the fragments of glass when he noticed it. The cardboard back of the frame was visible. The picture- the one of a young Sasuke on his brother's shoulders- was missing. Naruto frowned. It was Sasuke's treasure, his most precious keepsake.
He looked at the bed stand, but the backpack was missing. Sasuke never took keepsakes to class.
Naruto staggered, one hand clutching the edge of the drawer.
Shikamaru sighed heavily on the other end of the receiver. "Shit, I thought for sure he would tell you himself."
"He's gone," Naruto realized.
"It hit the press this morning. He did it. He actually did it." Shikamaru snorted in disbelief.
Naruto's fingers squeezed the phone. He thought of the way Sasuke entered the apartment last night, the package he cradled so carefully in his arms.
Had he already decided then? Had he given his answer? Had he stood by and let Naruto make a fool of himself for no reason? Naruto's eyes watered with absolute fury. He shook his head, tossing the phone so hard that it slammed against the opposite wall. It landed on the bed, Shikamaru's tinny voice calling for him, just audible over the gasps and chokes of his sobs.