"Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future." - Oscar Wilde

The train was slowing to a stop when a smooth hand rubbing my cheek woke me up. The fingertips were soft and gentle, but there was a specific roughness to the palm - calluses - that signified he worked hard for a living. It roused me from my sleep, slowly at first, but then I realized consciously that somebody was touching me. I jolted upright and looked at Spencer, blushing furiously thoroughly embarrassed that this stranger had just been used as a pillow.

"I'm sorry. Did I drool on your jacket?" I asked him, completely horrified. Spencer just laughed and shook his head smiling at me with a placid expression as if trying to quell my insecurities.

"No, no. It's okay. I didn't want to wake you, but we're almost there now." I nodded and stood up from my seat. Leaning down I picked up my messenger bag from the floor as the train came to a complete stop. "So am I really that boring?" I looked up at Spencer to catch him smiling slightly, bashfully, and caught myself grinning sheepishly at him.

"Actually your voice is very soothing," I admitted while stepping around him, eager to get home to bed. We both exited the train together and I hesitated, looking at Spencer carefully. "Well, Spence, I guess this is goodbye." I turned and began to walk away until I felt that somewhat now familiar hand grasp mine.

"You can't honestly expect me to let you walk home alone," he chided. I shrugged, not entirely surprised or disappointed. I had to admit I had been enjoying his company and really didn't want to part ways quite yet.

"Just don't expect to be let in for coffee," I joked, winking at him. Spencer stared at me, seemingly baffled for a moment. "Sex, Spence, I'm talking about having sex."

"Oh, right, well I wouldn't dream about it. Not to say you're not pretty. You're actually highly attractive but having intercourse after only just having-"

"It was a joke, relax. I won't try to take advantage of you." I smiled at him and wondered briefly if he could be any stranger or socially awkward.

We began to walk down the dimly lit streets of Fredericksburg to my two storey walk up. It only took us fifteen minutes, but by the time we arrived we had fully discussed the nuances of some of my favourite classic books, primarily The Picture of Dorian Gray and Pride and Prejudice.

"You aren't getting it Spence, my issue isn't with Darcy, per se, but with the whole situation. I mean, if he had just manned up and told her how he felt there wouldn't have been a misunderstanding," I explained, exasperated with the conversation.

"So you think all men should be neanderthalic in nature and grab their mate?" he asked, getting equally defensive and into the debate. I sighed deeply, feeling as I used to in high school when I wasn't understood.

"Not neanderthalic, but men should definitely be more forward with what they want, in a polite way. I mean, say you wanted to kiss me, I'd want you to be upfront with that. I mean, I'm twenty-five and don't have time to play the high school 'does he like me' game, you know?"

"Well not really, I finished high school at age twelve," he trailed off, blushing and staring at his feet. I simply stared at him, dumbstruck.

"You're joking right?"

"I guess I'm kind of a genius," he admitted, still refusing to look at me. I took his chin in my hand and turned his face up to look at me.

"Don't ever be embarrassed by your intelligence Spencer. It's something to be proud of. Hell I'm somewhat jealous." We stared at each other for a full minute. Not saying anything, not continuing the conversation, just looking into one anothers eyes and I felt something change. It was something tiny and almost imperceptible, but it was definitely a change.

If I had known then, what I know now, then I would have packed up that day and ran, never looking back. If I had known the impact Spencer would have on my life then I wouldn't have moved forward.

"Lily, would I be able to see you again? Maybe have coffee together, or dinner? Or even just sit somewhere and talk further?" Spencer's speech was halting and I could sense his nerves. Something in me clicked and I found myself unconsciously responding.

"I work today - tomorrow - from eight to five and don't have to work at the bar." I thought for a minute, then pulled a pen out of my pocket and grabbed Spencer's hand, quickly jotting down my phone number before I changed my mind. "Call me at twelve while I'm on my lunch if you still want to do something, okay?" I smiled at him and quickly hurried into the building, not wanting to stay any longer and see possible rejection on his face. I ran like I always did, but this time I wasn't running far, just into my apartment until tomorrow.

I climbed the two flights of stairs quickly and approached my apartment, sighing as I heard my neighbour yelling at his girlfriend again. I hoped they'd shut up long enough for me to sleep since my bedroom shared a wall with theirs. Entering my home I threw my keys and bag onto the small end table by the door and kicked off my shoes. A large mass wandered towards me and I smiled at my mutt.

"Hey there Miller," I whispered, reaching down to stroke his soft ears as he pressed himself against my body. I pushed him away gently and brought him to the back porch where I had set up a small patch of grass for him to use the bathroom throughout the day without having to be let out downstairs. He did his business and wandered back inside. I quickly locked the door - always paranoid - and we wandered into the bathroom together where he sat watching me as I removed my makeup.

I sighed deeply as I surveyed myself in the mirror. I was feeling old, there were bags under my eyes and my hair was starting to seem limp. Everything about me seemed tired. Now that my face was clear of makeup, the imperfections stood to attention. The scar at the corner of my lip was vibrant. The bags too prominent. The barely there bruise on my cheek seemed like a neon sign to my critical eye. It had been two months and it was the last bit of my past that I hadn't managed to be rid of yet.

I turned away from the mirror sharply, not wanting to do that to myself - to be overly critical of my appearance - and headed to the bedroom, Miller hot on my heels. We climbed into bed together and I was asleep almost immediately, exhausted from my night, and comforted by the presence of my shepherd cross that looked more wolf than anything somehow. He curled into my stomach and I buried my face into his warm fur, drifting into a private oblivion.