Author's note: Thanks for the reviews! My first fanfic so bear with me. Sorry about the misspelling of Hallie - hopefully, got it right now. Kelly and Matt bromance this chapter. Will get back to Kelly and Shay next chapter.
"Kelly, I don't want to see you back here anytime soon," said Hallie with a smile on her face.
"No worries. I don't plan on making a return visit," said Kelly looking at Shay, feeling like he should be overjoyed at getting out of the hospital. Instead, he felt numb. "God, I think I've spent more time off the job this month than on," he continued trying to put on a brave face. Shay was a ball of nervous energy, worry etched all over her face.
Kelly hadn't been anywhere close to normal the five days he'd spent in the hospital. He was quiet and did not bring up having a baby with Shay again, at all, not one word.
Shay wondered if she imagined their conversation in the car. Had she made it all up in her mind? No, he definitely said he wanted to have a baby with her. She looked at her gorgeous firefighter and just wanted him to be happy, be carefree, be back to his old Severide self. Once they got home, she thought, he'll be better. I'll make him better.
"Let's get out of here," said Kelly starting to walk towards the door.
"Sorry, you know we have to wheel you out of here. Don't give me any trouble like a certain blonde did when she was discharged," said Hallie playfully.
"You know that was total bull! I was fine!" protested Shay.
"Shay, can you say head injury? You were not fine, but unlike you I will gladly let someone roll my ass out of here," Kelly teased with a small smile, a little of his former self coming out.
It felt good to smile. Kelly thought he had forgotten how to make that facial expression. Apparently not.
Back at home, Shay tried a little too hard. It would have been funny to watch if Kelly could have seen the humor in anything at all. She was fluffing pillows, cooking, burning food, speaking in sweet tones without a touch of sarcasm. Kelly could see all this going on and just felt sad. He wouldn't take any of the calls from his worried friends, he even refused Boden's calls. When Shay tried to talk to him, he forced smiles and said he was fine.
"I just need a few more days," he told Shay, lying to her and himself. As he lay in bed at night he tried to tell himself to get the hell over it. A baby had died. He had seen many people die, terrible deaths. Why could he not let this go? He became so angry with himself he thought he was going to scream. He had to scream. This was the point when he usually got out of bed, washed his face in the bathroom and then headed downstairs to get a drink of water, spending the rest of the night on the couch.
Every night Shay would go downstairs to join him. The first few nights she tried talking to him. Asking, pleading with him to talk to her. Now, she just held him tight on the couch, leaning into his chest. He had lost so much weight, that was another thing for her to worry about. She guessed 15 to 20 pounds. She didn't know how to fix him. She felt utterly useless. It was not a feeling she was used to.
Shay left early for her shift the next morning as Kelly pretended he was asleep. Of course, he heard the knocking on the door that came a few minutes after she left; he just chose to ignore it. The knocking grew louder eventually turning into banging.
"Jesus! There better be a fire or something when I get down there!" he yelled. Kelly walked to the door seeing Casey's smiling face through the glass. That damn goofy smile. He was holding up a bag clearly from Kelly's favorite bagel place.
"I was asleep," mumbled Kelly letting his friend in.
"Sure you were," said Casey keeping that smile in place. Seeing his friend in such bad shape was shocking but Casey kept his cool. Kelly's eyes had pronounced dark circles around them, it looked like he was at the losing end of another bar fight. And the weight loss...Severide was always in the best shape. Casey doubted that any of his pants would stay up on Kelly's current frame.
"You look like shit," continued Casey. "And you won't call me back and Shay is out of her mind with worry. We're eating these bagels and then you are going to talk to me," said Casey plopping himself on the couch.
Silence. The thought of a bagel made Kelly's stomach turn but he grabbed one and took a huge bite. Less talking with your mouth full. More silence.
"Kelly, what can I do? How can I help? I cannot sit on my ass one more day at the station wondering what is wrong with you." More silence.
"Kelly, please," Casey was begging looking at his friend.
Kelly swallowed the huge bite. "I don't know. I really don't know." That was all Kelly could say and it was the truth.
"Tell me what you're thinking, what you're feeling, something," continued Matt nowhere near ready to give up.
"Matt, I don't know," Kelly tried to find the words. "It's like I'm not me. It's...it's like I'm trying to turn on a switch that will make everything good again but I can't reach it. I'm never gonna reach it. Every night when I should be asleep all I see is that baby. Isabelle. Dead in my arms."
Casey didn't know what to say. He had no words to fix this. What Shay described sounded like depression, now he was sure of it. Growing up with his mom he knew the look of it, the smell of it. It had been an extra member of the Casey household since he was a little kid. Most of the burden fell to Christie, his older sister. She tried to shield her little brother from it but the ugliness seeped in. His friend needed help, professional help, but knowing Kelly that would bring this conversation to a quick end.
"I know that telling you that you did everything possible is pointless. You already know this. You do. But I am going to tell you that everyone at 51 needs to see you. You need to get it through your thick skull that you are not alone," Casey wanted to get Kelly out of that apartment. He knew it always helped with his mom and that the guys would cheer up his friend at least temporarily.
"The thought of getting dressed and going somewhere sounds like the last thing I would want to do, or could do," Kelly said with a total honesty Casey had rarely seen. Their relationship was based on competition and testosterone filled conversations, and trying to beat the hell out of each other in the ring - not honest conversation.
"Okay, I'm going really low here, but...Shay could really use the night away from this place," Casey said waiting for the angry reaction. It didn't come.
"You did not just pull the Shay card?" asked Kelly a piece of his former self coming out. "Seriously though, I know I've put her through hell. I feel like shit about that too. She deserves so much better, so much better than me."
Crap, this was taking a wrong turn and Casey knew he had to correct the course. "No, way. That girl loves you like nothing I've seen. Really, all those others, those many, many others," teased Casey chuckling, "have nothing on Shay." He saw a grin on his friend's face and continued, "She even got in Boden's ass yesterday!"
"No! What happened?" Kelly was perking up a little.
"Yeah, Boden was asking her why you haven't returned any of his many calls and she went full throttle Shay on him. She asked him if he was aware that you had almost died. Was he aware of that little fact? Then she asked if she should get the union reps down here to see how much time you could legally take off. Boden sounded like he was choking, no words came out but he made a little grumbling sound and stormed off to his office. Mouch gave her a high five when she left the room!" Casey was laughing with Kelly joining in. He was laughing. Casey had to get his friend to flip that switch.
Later that night...
Kelly was nervous walking into the bar. He tried to shake it off but it had been so long since he had seen his friends. Of course, the first person he saw was Shay. Her whole face smiled and he was reminded of how truly beautiful she was. God, had he really forgotten that over the last few weeks. She was at his side holding his hand in hers, squeezing tightly. She looked at him with that same look she had when she kissed him for the first time. Thank God he hadn't lost that.
"Hey, gorgeous," Kelly whispered in her ear. His smile matched hers and Shay felt optimism for the first time in days.
All the guys gathered around Kelly making him feel a little claustrophobic. Their faces were all happy smiles, words all encouraging with a little ball busting thrown in. No one gave the slightest indication of how concerned they were. Kelly's appearance gave away everything he was trying to hide. He was not okay, but his friends were doing all they could to remind him of what life felt like. Living, laughing, enjoying each other. Kelly felt a little like his former self. It gave him hope. Shay also felt a little lighter for the first time in weeks. Kelly brought his girl in and gave her a soft kiss, then another. "Hey, get a room!" shouted Mouch followed by laughter. Shay's man was going to make it back. He had to.
Kelly Severide truly joined the living when he returned to work. He smiled more as each day passed, laughed a little more... that Severide cockiness would show up and the guys knew he had returned. Shay found herself quicker on the smart ass comments, the worry in her face fading. Dawson and Mills made it their own little competition to see who could fatten up the lieutenant first. Shay and Kelly weren't complaining, the meals were unbelievable.
Casey knew the old Kelly was back when he didn't have to go light on squad's head honcho during sparring and Kelly laid him out on his ass.
"Well, I guess I don't have to treat you like my sister anymore," laughed Casey from the floor reaching a hand out to his friend.
"No, I'm good," said Kelly pulling Casey up. "Thanks for everything Matt. Really, you have no idea..." continued Kelly.
"Is this the part where we kiss?" asked truck's lieutenant puckering up.
"You know Otis is more my type," Kelly said with a straight face before both lieutenants erupted in laughter.