I HAVE NOT ABANDONED THIS! I've been on holiday in Cornwall! So I am so sorry to all of you who have been waiting! I've been writing since I got back like a nut trying to make up for lost time. Lo and behold after some planning it seems there will be quite a few more chapters after this one! I hope this new chapter makes up for the wait and that meets your expectations! Thanks for reading!
John takes in a deep breath of air and prays for some courage as he turns the door handle to their apartment. He finds Sherlock standing in the living room and smiling slightly moves to stand in front of him. Sherlock's arms are crossed, his striking features are cast in a warm, amber glow by the fire and his eyes are looking at a spot on the wall somewhere behind him.
John swallows heavily and takes a faltering step towards him.
"Sherlock…" He begins, his mouth is dry and he struggles to find the words to express how he feels, his throat constricting from the pressure of the step is about to take. From the change he is about to evoke. But Sherlock cuts him off, his voice deep and void of any emotion, like when he is analysing a case. It makes John feel cold and confused as to what could have caused this.
"You went to meet with Mary for date?" He says making the sentence sound like a question and a statement simultaneously as he often does.
"Yes, but we…" he starts, wondering why Sherlock has so suddenly started acting like this. He dares to hope that it may be out of jealously, taking courage from Mary's words he steps forward. Sherlock however spins gracefully on the spot and grabs his coat from his armchair swiftly interrupting him once again.
"Excellent. Well, you know how such details bore me, John. I'm going out." He states every monotone syllable cutting into John's resolve.
"Where are you going? We haven't got a case. I wanted to talk to you." He tries again.
Sherlock cannot bear to hear it. He doesn't want the typical apologetic speech of how they will still be friends. He had never thought he would be involved in this situation. But that is because he never thought he would have a friend like John. He never thought that his seemingly cold core could warm to another human being like it had with John. All he can feel is the chaotic flow of hormones in his body and an ache that persists within him no matter what he does to try to alleviate it. A wound of his mind rather than his body it would appear.
"I am not interested in talking about your love life, John." He snaps and buttons his coat with deft fingers. He doesn't look John in his face. He doesn't want to see the sympathy, pity and what he fears most of all; happiness.
John feels his mouth clench shut in frustration. Why is Sherlock avoiding him? He is about a minute away from tackling Sherlock to the floor just so he will look at him. He squeezes his fists tightly instead and stands defiantly in front of his tall friend not letting him pass.
"Sherlock, please, it's important…." He pleads needing to see those eyes look at him instead of vacantly staring at the wall over his left shoulder.
Sherlock ignores the encompassing urge to look John in the face but does not make to move past him.
"I'm a busy man, John. We can talk later." He says sternly. He pulls the scarf tightly around the collar of his neck causing the fabric to bite at the skin of this throat. He finds that the constriction is a wonderful distraction.
John moves closer still, until he is about an arm's length away from Sherlock, and reaches one hand up to loosen the tight knot of his scarf. The action causes Sherlock to finally look at him and John lets his arm drop uselessly by his side when he sees his face. Sherlock feels his resolve crumble, he hadn't thought of a plan to keep John, but seeing him now… He's looking up into his face, a defiant look on his face that is mixed with something that eerily looks like hope. He doesn't want to witness it. He's desperate now and before he can stop himself he speaks.
"I'll buy milk…" He tells John quietly, ducking his head, embarrassed by his pathetic display of bargaining. John feels his brain halt at the words. What?
"What?" He questions not realising he had verbalised his internal vocalisations until he hears his voice.
"I'll also endeavour not to leave dead body parts in the fridge anymore. I can freeze them at the morgue. It's less convenient but a practical alternative." He continues unable to stop if there is a chance that John wouldn't leave him for Mary. He needs just more time to convince John of his feelings.
"Huh?" John huffs out distracted by that last promise, it was quite disconcerting at times to open the fridge hoping for some dinner and to see a frozen head staring back at you. But that is Sherlock…
"I won't text you requesting something unless of course I am unable to do so or if the situation is life-threatening." He promises remembering all of John's voiced complaints of his habits although he wonders whether or not he will truly be able to carry out these promises.
John studies the man before him. He sees the nervous glance of Sherlock's eyes, the tense lines of his strong body and the frequent bobs of his Adam's apple. If he didn't know any better he would say Sherlock is nervous…maybe even scared. But of what? There are only a few occasions where he has seen Sherlock look like this and none of the outcomes were pleasant.
"As nice as it would be if once in a while you did buy some milk, I've gotten used to your…quirks. I might even be fond of some of them. But what has brought this on, Sherlock?" He asks smiling hoping to reassure him in some small manner and to discover the cause of Sherlock's odd behaviour.
Sherlock represses his amusement at John yet again placing milk of higher importance than dead body parts in the fridge. He decides that is now or never. Sherlock Holmes never shied away from adversity or pain. He will not do so today.
"Name your terms…" He asks with surprising calm lifting his head to look at John in his eyes. He watches the delicate skin crinkle at the corner of his eyes with confusion and concern.
"Terms?" John repeats pulling a nostalgically confused face at his words.
"I can only deduce from our…interaction…last night and your reaction to it. As well as your reluctance to be around me that you wish to do what most people find necessary when they feel as you do. Remove yourself from the situation and cease contact." He says leaving John to gawp helplessly as he continues. Is this really what Sherlock thinks?
"But I…I'm not most people, John. As I am sure you are aware. I won't apologise for last night because I find regrets to be meaningless. But I will try…to make life easier for you. I…Just don't leave. Please." He quietly begs letting his face show more emotion than he perhaps ever has.
John watches in fascination as the handsome features of Sherlock's face screw up with what only can be describe as sadness. As a plea for him to stay. He is overwhelmed by the reality that he is the reason that Sherlock is feeling this way. He cannot think of anything else to say except the truth.
"I am not going anywhere Sherlock." John tells him braving another step forward into his personal space.
Sherlock's brow wrinkles with puzzlement like he often does when human behaviour baffles him. "I assumed that you and Mary would be…"
But John cut's off his response.
"Mary and I aren't dating anymore." He tells him quietly, his voice steady and honest. Sherlock lets the information perforate his mind. John is no longer dating Mary. John is no longer dating Mary. John is free to date anyone. To love anyone. He lets his mind mull over that happy fact and belatedly realises that he has not replied to John who is watching him intensely.
"What is this all about Sherlock?" John asks in a low and thoughtful voice. He looks up at him the dim lighting of the room causing his blonde hair to glint and his eyes to look impossibly deep and dark.
"I… will you be returning to your own apartment?" Sherlock asks careful to keep his face as blank as possible. He needs to know that their kiss and John leaving Mary are connected. That John chose Sherlock and not what he fears, which is that John still wants to leave. That he just wants a fresh start.
John lets the shock he feels slide across his features before he looks down, the amber light casting shadows which dip into the contours of his face.
"Do you want me to leave?" He asks looking up with wide eyes that make him seem so much younger. Sherlock finds himself wondering what John had looked like in his youth. He realises that he wants to know everything about John. He wants to know everything there is to know. Things John can tell him and things he doesn't even know about himself that Sherlock will deduce and savour each secret knowing it is only his privilege.
"It's convenient having you around and I find your company…enjoyable" He tells him deflecting around the subject. After a lifetime of ignoring his emotions he finds that now he lacks the experience and courage to express himself the way he wishes.
John tries to stay calm looking right into the blank mask of Sherlock's face and ignores the urge to punch him. He understands that after years of identifying yourself as a high functioning sociopath would most likely mean you are inexperienced in most social situations. Especially situations that involve romantic feelings which may or may not exist. But John is reaching the end of his patience. If Sherlock isn't going to take the first step, then he will.
"Right…Right. You know what?! Sod it! I don't want to leave! I'm not moving out Sherlock. So I'm going to ask you again. Do you WANT me to leave? Not because I'm convenient or I relieve you of your boredom. Do you want me to stay?" He questions imploring Sherlock to just be direct and put him out of his misery. He hopes that kiss meant something; that they mean something.
Sherlock can feel the hope he had felt earlier return with a staggering force. Did John…
"Yes, more than anything." He answers with the kind of certainty he only feels after solving a case.
John lets out a sigh of relief and smiling looks him right in the eye with a fond, exasperated look.
"Then I'm not going anywhere."He promises.
Sherlock finds himself returning a small smile of his own. Now he had time to make John feel the same way. Without Mary in the picture he would be available to explore his sexual attraction to him.
"Thank you, John." He tells him knowing that his face has taken on a warm expression that he rarely ever expresses towards people.
John steadies his breath and tries not to panic at the genuinely happy expression on his face. He is terrified that he may be about to ruin everything in a single moment. But he has gotten this far and he isn't about to give up now.
"Alright. Good. So I have…err...something that I wanted to say…or ask really." He begins knowing that he is stumbling over his words like a blushing teenager.
Sherlock merely raises an eyebrow at him in question and watches the red flush creep up John's cheeks in fascination.
"I…think I may have developed feelings for you…" He rushes out hating the way he is trembling and his palms are sweaty. Sherlock feels as if he has surely misunderstood John.
"Developed feelings?" He repeats feeling like he is missing information about some sort of social scenario he has deleted because John can't surely mean…
"Yes, Sherlock. I've developed feelings and before you ask not 'feelings' that you have for friends. But more than that. I think…I think I've fallen in love with you." He confesses, hating how cheesy it must have sounded, but unable to really care at this moment. He can feel his heart thundering in his chest as he watches Sherlock absorb the information.
"I…right." Sherlock nods wondering if he is experiencing shock. His ability to process information has been drastically reduced and he finds he is lacking the ability to respond succinctly.
"Yep." John says smacking his lips together and banging the sides of his fists in front of him in an awkward gesture. Sherlock watches his nervous rocking on his heels and the words finally hit him. John has feelings for me…he loves me.
He suppresses an overwhelming urge to 'whoop' and start laughing hysterically.
"And what are you proposing we do about said feelings?" He asks feeling slightly cruel for prolonging his response but he needs John to be sure about what he wants.
"Well I was hoping, from the kiss, that they might be mutual." John replies now rubbing the back of his neck and staring hopefully at Sherlock.
"Yes." He replies resisting the urge to sweep him up and spin around the room. It is a completely irrational urge but one that is compelling. Must be the endorphins, he concludes mentally.
"Yes?" John repeats somewhat dumbly.
"Yes, they are mutual. I have felt this way for some time" Sherlock confirms, rolling his eyes when John raises his eyebrows in shock.
"Right, I…right. So where do we go from here?" John asks uncertainly.
"I was rather hoping you could tell me, re…ahem…relationships aren't exactly my area of expertise." Sherlock admits clasping his hands behind his back and rocking on his heels. He had underestimated how embarrassing such situations can be and feels his stomach flutter unpleasantly.
"Well, would you like to go on a date with me?" John asks his face splitting into a broad grin that Sherlock suspects is one of the reasons so many people are attracted to him.
"I thought the purpose of dates was to get to know the other person? We already know each other." Sherlock tells him as John shakes his head fondly wondering if he is quite prepared for he has signed up for.
"They are. But there is still a lot we don't know about each other…or rather I don't know about you. You've probably already deduced everything. But they are meant to be fun." He tells him chuckling slightly.
Sherlock contemplates his choices for a moment. He would be able to question John about his life before he met Sherlock, he would be able to see him laugh and smile again, a sight he had missed and perhaps most importantly it would make John happy. It isn't really a difficult decision.
"Very well. John, would you like to go on a date with me?" Sherlock asks his lip quirking up mischievously at one corner. John suppresses the urge to grin manically at how his evening has turned out.
The thought of being with Sherlock is so utterly overwhelming and yet the easiest thing in the world. He slowly reaches out one hand to Sherlock's scarf and uses it pull him down slightly. Sherlock allows himself to be pulled forward and jumps a little at the hand that tenderly touches his cheek. A thumb sweeps across his cheek bone and warm fingers splay across the rest of his cheek.
"I'd love to, Sherlock". John smiles warmly. He bites his lip in a nervous gesture as if he is unsure of what he is about to do so Sherlock decides for him. He closes the gap and presses his lips against John's. He senses are not dulled by alcohol this time and his brain is cataloguing everything it can about the kiss. It is tender and surprisingly gentle, a soft presses of warm lips and shared breaths. A confirmation of their feelings. He can feel John smile against his lips and feels his own stretch to mimic them.
"We're both bloody idiots. How we missed…this, I'll never know." John huffs out in disbelief resting his forehead against Sherlock's who finds that he is in complete agreement with his deduction.
There are probably lots of errors for which I hope you'll forgive me! I'm travelling very early tomorrow and haven't had time for a long read through!
In the mean time please be wonderful and leave me lots of lovely reviews. So that I can have a bunch of them to read for when I get back! Thank you for being patient with me and taking the time to read my story! :)