A/N: Ok so I'll be completely honest. I fangirled so hard over the last chapter, even though I share the story with her. It was just, perfection, in my opinion. But now...now I get to write Murdoc's view on it C:
Enjoy, my pretty(ies).
-Psyke
Chapter 3
Murdoc
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
"So ya guys finally decided to come outta the closet after all, huh?"
My heart stopped, and I looked down, feeling all the blood drain from my face. I clenched my fists, I squeezed my eyes shut, anything to shove away the cold, bitter truth; I had been attracted to 2D. Physically. So much so that I had had to press myself against the wall just to keep myself from kissing him. What was wrong with me? I had programmed myself for years to hate the tall, skinny singer. Where had all that effort gone? I felt my hands still shaking, could feel my southerns trying to rise again. I stuck my hand in my pocket and kept it down forcefully, having perfected the art of hiding a boner as a teenager.
"Ahem, well, its, gettin' kinda late so I'm just gon' take Alphie here to bed. We'll see yew in the mornin'." Wait, no, don't go- I found myself looking up, accidentally made eye contact with 2D. I smoothed my face into a cold mask and smiled at Alphie, wondering if he'd scream tonight when he tried to sleep, wondering if he'd need me there.
I shoved those thoughts away as 2D scampered out of the kitchen, almost like he didn't want to look at me. I stumbled over to the table, almost collapsing into a chair. I jumped as Russel spoke to me, almost having forgotten he was there.
"Y'know Muds, s'obvious that you two care for eachother. Maybe you should-"
I held my hand up. "So not having this conversation, Russ." He respected my decision and remained silent, though he didn't leave, probably sensing that I was gathering the courage to say something. "I honestly don't know how I feel right now, Russ."
"Yo heart knows how ya feel. Yo mind jus' hasn't figured it out yet. Give it some time, Muds. You'll see what I mean." Russel's giant bulk rose, walking out of the kitchen, leaving me alone. The memory of 2D's body pressed against mine came into my mind suddenly, and my heart started aching. My lips had been pressed against his neck, his warmth thawing my heart in a way his kid hadn't been able to, so far. I'd never felt like this for somebody before; I'd never been in love with a woman, and had come to terms with my pansexuality years ago, but there had never been anybody I'd really cared about.
Until 2D. Until Alphie. Alphie wasn't even mine, but I felt like a father to him. I felt an obligation to protect him, since I had previously been unable to protect his father, from anything-including myself. I wanted to go back in time, wanted to change everything that had happened. I wanted to give 2D the life he deserved, the life he could have had. He could have kept his eyes how they used to be; he could be living now in a clean place, a happy place.
Except, Alphie wouldn't be here, and I knew 2D wouldn't trade him for anything, seeing as how his kid was the only link to Noodle he had left. Noodle. My blood ran cold. He was in love with Noodle. I used to be fine with that-I had encouraged it, actually-but now I felt sick to my stomach whenever I thought about them, together... I felt guilt whenever I thought about how she'd disappeared, because honestly, I was glad she had. What kind of horrible person was I? Noodle was my family.
No. Alphie was my family. And 2D. And, hell, even Russel, though he was more like the annoying brother figure. Noodle and I had never gotten along, never had bonding experiences. Like you had any bonding experiences with 2D before now, a little voice in my head whispered, a voice I promptly drowned out with the guitar screech from O Green World. I put my head down on the kitchen table, thinking about how much 2D probably missed Noodle, torturing myself.
My pain consumed me, for hours, and I feel asleep there, on the kitchen table, forehead pressed against my arms, slumed over on myself, trying to curl around the pain, to make it go away.
(*)(*)(*)
A warm, gentle hand on my shoulder woke me up the next morning. My eyes peeled open; the crust in them was extraordinary, and I wiped my eyes with my fingers, looking up and seeing a blurry mess of blue, unkempt hair. My heart ached-my vision sharpened-suddenly I wanted to run, wanted nothing more than go get away from this hell I was in, this pain that consumed my entire being. I felt myself smile, painfully, and then realized-
-where was Alphie?
2D must have seen the panic on my face, because he smiled (a dopey, gap-toothed smile that warmed my entire body) and tugged me up, slowly. "Russ's got Alphie, he's gonna watch 'im tonight."
"Tonight?" I said, wincing as my neck, my back, my head, screamed in protesting agony. I tried to pop my spine, but it didn't work; it only sent sharp spikes of pain through my entire body. "How long did I sleep?"
He paused, thinking, and I took the opportunity to look at him openly. He was so damn beautiful. My heart ached again, a sharp stabbing pain that was worse than anything I was feeling in my body right now. "'Bout 22 hours," he said, lightly, and I froze. No wonder I was so damn sore. He looked at me questioningly, raising a bushy eyebrow. "Wot's wrong, Muds?"
Muds. The nickname made me want to throw up and smile at the same time. "Just sore's hell," I muttered, stumbling to the door and down the hall. I had to get to the carpark to change, because I smelled so fuckin' grungy I wanted to throw up-
Actually. That's exactly what I was going to do. I sped up my pace, opening the door to the Winnebago and dashing to the bathroom in the back. My stomach heaved and-
-nothing. There was nothing for me to throw up. I was dry-heaving and my God, it was painful. I gasped and felt tears leak out of my eyes. When was the last time I had eaten anything? It was the day before yesterday, at least. The heaving went on for what seemed like eternity, though in reality, it was probably only a minute or two. I leaned on the toilet rim shakily, my muscles twitching involuntarily. All I could hear was this weird rushing in my ears, like blood pumping through my veins, until-
"OhmyGodMurdocareyoualright?!" 2D. Damn. He'd followed me in. I nodded and tried to stand, the world swaying and lurching. I stumbled to my bedroom, opening the fridge and reaching for my emergency stash of candy bars (hey, I got tired after sex, what can I say?). I took a swig of vodka to wash it down, and finally, I had to look at 2D.
And I almost jumped backwards. He was so close. Less than a foot away, looking down into my eyes with concern. "Yew're not ok, Muds," he grumbled, and my heart lurched. "Yew needta eat somefin'."
"I just did," I answered, not budging an inch. "Now, why is Russel watching Alphie tonight, exactly?"
2D's face brightened again, all concern for me gone. "We're goin' to a bar!"
(*)(*)(*)
The strobe lights were nearly intoxicating in their brightness. The darkness, the churning sea of bodies. I felt myself slipping into my old sex god role, my tight muscles relaxing, my old persona coming back in almost its full force. The women were looking; some were coming up to me and asking if they could touch. I smiled and slunk away, stalking for my prey, before 2D grabbed my arm, pulling me away and to the bar. What was his deal?
I didn't have time to ponder before the bartender was asking for what I wanted. I ordered the strongest thing they had; not much else worked on me. I'd built up such a big tolerance for alcohol over the years that nothing short of pure alcohol could get me drunk in one go. I was mistaken though.
Their strongest drink was some strong shit. I drank it in one go and my vision did a 360 for a second before righting itself. "Damn," I said, slurring slightly. "D, try this," I said, ordering him one and nearly shoving him off his stool. I giggled.
Oh, hell. I was giggling. Not a good sign. I didn't really care though, not at that moment.
The rest of the night was a blur of faces, my intoxicated self having a blast and not giving a shit what happened. The high I felt was perfect, the lack of emotion or boundaries freeing and just what I had needed. Maybe 2D had realized that when he'd taken me out-
Was this a date?
No, it couldn't possibly be.
Could it?
(*)(*)(*)
We somehow made it back to Kong in one piece, though I didn't see how. I was sobering up a bit, though it was obvious from his demeanor that 2D wasn't. I practically had to carry him through the doors of Kong, and when we got to my Winnebago, he paused, gesturing to go inside. I opened the door and let him stumble inside, where he immediately flopped down on my-now clean-bed. He mumbled into the pillows. "Wot wos vat, fasheache?" God, I was slurring so bad. But my tongue felt so heavy.
He turned himself over. "Yew remembah va closet, yesturday?" I froze. My drunkenness vanished in an instant, but not enough to remember this conversation in the morning.
"Wot about it?" I asked. He didn't seem to notice that my slur was gone. He sat up and looked at me, making my palms sweaty, making my heartbeat race. Everything except his face blurred.
"Did yew know vat I enjoyed it? Vat I wanted to kiss yew? I did," he said, sighing, flopping back down on the bed. The feeling of happiness inside me was about to burst. I stayed silent, wanting him to continue. "I don't know wot I feel around yew, Muds, but I like it, I like it a lot...I like yew a lot. I like how you take care'f Alphs wif me, becoz aftah Noods left, I...I didn't fink I'd ever feel this way about anybody ever again. Then you started helpin' me an'...I dunno..."
I couldn't take this. My heart was leaping and bumping around inside and I-
-I leaped off the chair and strode over to him, pressing my lips against his sloppily. He seemed surprised at first; his lips were unyielding and I froze, wondering if I'd just fucked up royally. But after a second he moaned (God, that voice was intoxicating) and kissed me back, pulling me down, wrapping his hands around the back of my neck, twisting his fingers into the curls on the back of my head. I gripped his shirt in my fists, tugging desperately. He allowed me to pull his shirt off over his head, and I pulled away, flicking my tongue out and tracing his jugular. His heartbeat was so fast under my fingertips.
"Muhdoc," he whispered, and I kissed my way down his torso, undoing his pants with my teeth-
(*)(*)(*)
Oh God, my fuckin' head... The first thing I was aware of the next morning was a raging headache, a motherfucker of a hangover. My eyelids fluttered open, beholding the ceiling of the Winnebago above me, the stench of alcohol surrounding me like a thick veil. There was a warmth on my chest, but I didn't panic. I'd woken up this way so many times before, I was used to it. I was about to sit up and tell the hooker to get the fuck out now, I was done with her, but-
Oh sweet Satan.
It was 2D. He was sleeping peacefully on my chest, arms draped over me sloppily. My head fell back, my aching cranium putting the pieces together-my memory dredged up tiny fragments of memory-
-2D's hands as he clenched the sheets, crying out in ecstasy-
-his lips against mine, pressing, frantic-
-the look he gave me after, the dopy smile he'd rewarded me with before snuggling into me and falling asleep-
I'll admit it. A tear leaked out of my eye and down onto the pillow. My chest felt like caving in, and my emotional agony made my headache seem like a pinprick. I slowly climbed out from underneath him, throwing on some clothes and running into the living room, flopping onto the couch and facing the back, so no one would see my tears. I pretended to sleep until I heard 2D's shuffling footsteps walk in, sitting down next to my legs. I rolled over, pretending to be annoyed.
"M'sorry I stole yer bed, Muds," he said. "I don't even remember how I got there."
No. It wasn't true. Something that meant so much to me couldn't just be gone for him, could it? Apparently it was, because he only seemed a little embarrassed and confused, not mortified and astounded, like I was feeling. "S'alright, faceache," I murmured, rolling back over, "just let me sleep, and all's forgiven."
This secret may just kill me. I could still feel 2D's lips on mine, could still hear him whisper my name.
I fell back asleep, remembering and letting the tears fall.
(*)(*)(*)
A/N: Fastest. Chapter. Ever. Hope you're happy Noodle, I busted my ass for you.
Speaking of Noodle, she's back next chapter.
Reviews always appreciated.
-Psyke