A/N: Thanks again for sticking with us as we now cross the hallway to Apt. 4B, where the girls have imbibed in spirits and girl talk...
"Ohh…..Penny…." Amy groaned, her steps slow and awkward as she shuffled out of the bathroom. "Thanks for holding back my hair. You're a porcelain angel."
"Uh…sure, no problem…ugh…" Penny said as she helped guide her inebriated friend, gingerly stepping behind her, her hands on her shoulders. "Good thing I only got one glass of wine down before you finished off that bottle. I think I'd be joining you."
"Yes, I've…. learned a sobering…. Oof… lesson this evening. Blueberries…. plus relationship angst…. plus cheap wine equals ka-boom."
The two tipsy girls stumbled back to their seats on Penny's couch, grumbling as they settled into their spots. Amy lifted up the empty bottle from the floor, held it up to the light, and then inverted it into her lips, a small trickle of liquid sliding towards her mouth. Penny grabbed the bottle from her and threw it aside. "No more Turning Leaf for you, Wino. I'm cutting you off."
"Oh, Bestie, I have a problem," Amy whined, her face red and puffy. "I'm a girl in love with an illusion. My heart beats for a man with no heart." She rubbed her face and looked downward.
"Amy, you deserve so much better," Penny placed her hand on Amy's thigh. "You're a successful, intelligent woman with so much to offer the right man. Sheldon is just a boy in a bubble. You need to demand that he give you the respect and affection you want or terminate his ass."
"I am a woman, and I have needs," Amy looked in the direction of apartment 4A, her jaw stiffening with defiance. "And damn it, I want some sugar, you arrogant bastard!"
"Girl, you know it!" Penny lifted her hands haphazardly in affirmation. "He better give you some of that or he gone!"
"Penny, you inspired me this evening," the bespectacled girl gushed, taking her friend's hands in hers. "When you threw your body on top of Sheldon's, I realized that I have to be fearless and use my body to get what I want, like you do."
"Well, I don't always have to use my body," Penny cautioned. "Sometimes I use my mind…like when I talked my way out of that speeding ticket that one time."
"No, I think you used your body that time, too."
"Uh, the cop couldn't see my body, I was sitting in the car. That was all negotiation and influence. There was so shaking of any moneymakers going on that day," Penny retorted, taking her hands away and holding them up in protest.
"Penny, I don't think you realize how persuasive your powers of persuasion can be. You don't need your moneymaker, you can light up a man's crotch with your eyeballs."
Penny and Amy sit looking at each other for a beat, then burst into laughter. "Yeah, I guess I have my sexy eyes," Penny said, giggling. "He did seem to be impressed with my nonverbal communication skills."
The blonde coughed a little bit and felt her throat. "I need some water. And you should probably eat some crackers. Sit tight and I'll grab some for us." She got up and headed for the kitchen.
"You know, I was probably as shocked as Sheldon was when you mounted him," Amy mused after a moment. "I have to submit a written request for physical intimacy at least 48 hours in advance."
"Well, I wouldn't call it intimate," Penny responded, pulling two bottled waters out of the fridge. "It's was just two friends playing around on the floor. Didn't you do that with your friends in school?"
"If you call being tied to an office chair and pushed into the janitor's closet playing around, then yes," Amy answered ruefully.
"Oh, I keep forgetting you guys were on the other side of that," Penny slumped her shoulders and turned her eyes downward. "Yeah, I guess I really did cross a line with him."
"If you ask me, it was a line that needed crossing," Amy waved her hand loosely. "He needs to loosen up. If I had been on top of him, I'd have shoved my tongue down his throat."
"Uh, ok then, Pamela Anderson," Penny cocked her head back. "Date rape much?"
"You don't understand," Amy said, shifting her legs. "I am a steaming kettle of pressurized sexual energy, ready to explode all over the first man that shakes me. I'm a sex time bomb, Bestie!"
Penny stood in front of her increasingly fidgety friend, and handed her a bottle of water and a sleeve of crackers. "Take this, please, before you explode all over my couch cushions."
The two girls sipped their waters in silence, then Amy perked up. "You know, I did get a little worried that you were actually enjoying kissing him."
Penny's eyes fluttered, then quickly rolled. "Are you kidding? Really? Dr. Done-little? Good God, Amy! Trust me, there was nothing there, honestly."
Yep, there was nothing there. Absolutely nothing. Yeah, that sounds good…
"Well, I knew I'd better get in on the action or you'd have his pants down for a three count," Amy sniffed.
"Wait a minute!" Penny protested, setting her bottle down. "Are you telling me you were getting jealous?"
Hmm. Score one for Penny. And so it begins…
"Well, seeing as I've never been able to kiss him in the two years of our Arrangement, and in less than five seconds you'd had more foreplay than I've had in my life, then yes, I suppose I was feeling a little…left out."
Penny stood up, pointing her finger. "Okay, Amy, I know you're drunk, but you need to step back. I'm telling you, you had nothing to worry about."
Nothing to worry about. Yep, I had it all under control. Right where I wanted him…
Now Amy struggled to her feet. "I may be shit-faced, but I can see things clear as a bell, plain as the hair on my face. You two have been playing this game of no-touch tango for five years now, and you've slowly inoculated him to your feminine charms. What's next, dropping a pen and bending over in front of his marker board? 'Cause honey, I tried that move and he didn't even look up from his coefficients!"
Penny gritted her teeth and drew in a breath to protest.
Knock knock knock. "Penny"
"NOT NOW, SHELDON!" the two women bellowed in unison. There was silence, and they stood looking at each other with burning eyes.
Knock knock knock. "Penny."
"Go the hell away, Sheldon!" Penny screamed at the door.
Another few moments of silence. Penny drew in a slow breath through her nostrils and breathed out.
"Amy, I—"
Knock knock knock. "Penny."
Penny turned around and ripped open the door, and with closed eyed and pursed lips, intoned slowly.
"Sheldon, I will sing 'Soft Kitty' over the grave I will throw your body into if you don't turn around and go back to your room right now."
Sheldon stood for a moment, looking at Penny, then Amy, then Penny again with a curious expression.
"Now, Sheldon." Penny's face was quaking with rage.
"If you wish to kill me and bury me in an unmarked grave, that is fine. But before you do that, I have something that needs to be said…"