Chapter Four

Ever since I was a child I've had a recurring dream that I just can't seem to shake. Not every night, not even every month, sometimes I can go a year or more without it weaving itself into my dreamscape, at other times it can be put on repeat for weeks. Since the prothean beacon I haven't had it at all, its familiar script has been replaced by images of hollow planets, devoid of life set to the soundtrack of an ancient race disappearing in flames. Even these, which at one time took up every waking thought and subconscious murmur, evaded me when Liara was in my arms. Still it's there, my recurring dream, always there in the back on my subconscious mind just waiting for the right moment to reset itself and start all over again.

I'm walking through a hallway, it's late at night there are no windows, no clocks, no measures of time what so ever but there is the feeling in the air, in the darkness that tells me so. The sides of the walls are lined with photographs of people I don't recognise spaced with the faces of those I do, the deeper I walk the older the faces become.

The air smells like burning metal.

With each foot in front of the other I feel my need to reach the end of the corridor increase; the urge is so strong my entire body shakes from the frustration. The sound of a door opening and slamming closed carries on the wind, distorted by the corners, heightened by the too close walls.

I take off running.

My feet, which are bare, struggle for traction on the slick white tiles, my legs and arms push so hard they ache, it feels as if struggling through cold water, unable to move, unable to breathe. I fall, once, twice, the third time I shatter my face against a step, slitting my lip. Blood pours from the cut, bitter and caustic like vinegar, sticky and sweet like syrup. A cry comes from somewhere in the building. I roll onto my knees, push myself up, resisting the pressure of the ceiling low against my back. I sprint.

The hallway narrows, the walls move inwards until they touch my arms, then my shoulders, then I have to turn sideways to fit through at all. The cry comes again, closer, but less substantial like a distant echo that reverberates against the edges of your mind, harrowing but untouchable. I push further through, unable to control my shaking legs and overcome by the insatiable knowledge that I have to get…somewhere.

The walls begin to change now, becoming softer, warmer and I realise that they are no longer made of bricks and mortar but bodies; human, alive, moving in rows hundreds deep with me at their centre. I try to push through them but no matter how old I am they are always taller, when I was a child they towered by few feet now they reach up into the heavens, their heads obscured by shadows. I call to them, ask them to move, slam my hands into their backs, and kick at their legs but they pay me no more attention than if I were a speck of cosmic dust. A few look down at me with hooded eyes and dark faces, the features of which I can't quite see.

Lightning flares, cracking like a starter's pistol in the inky sky.

As one they all begin to move forward, each figure falling in stride with the one next to them, their progression becoming a march as they transform into an army, their dark cloaks shrinking and morphing, colours brightening into the familiar shades of the Alliance. Their progression continues, simultaneous footsteps quickening, jostling me from side to side, pulling me along and knocking me sideways into the other soldiers, never allowing me to stop. I can see through the gaps in their ranks what is to come but can do nothing to stop myself; I have no control over where they are taking me.

That scream again.

It's in the distance, more frantic this time, rallying me to push through the rank and file and out into the open. I know if I follow them it will lead me to my death, I know this, I've always known even as a child I've known. I can see their faces now, they're my mother, my father, they're the soldiers I trained with at the academy, my childhood friends, the parents of families I've stayed with, my unit on Akuze; they've been so many people I've lost count. I know where they're marching, if I returned to them I can save them, but the scream is coming again; louder, more distraught and I'm back in the endless corridor.

I see her in the distance, the screaming figure; I come within an arms breadth of reaching her when doors close in front of me, gigantic sheets of glass enclosing me in a transparent box that drags me away.

There's nothing I can do, I bang on the glass, throw myself at the walls, cry till my lungs can't breathe, just wanting to get out, to get to where I need to be. I'm helpless, I can't move, can't reach the figure I'm chasing, can't escape; can do nothing but let myself be taken away.

There's a crack of lightning again, or maybe it was a gunshot, I never know, I always wake.

I've never reached the person I'm chasing, not in all the years I've had this dream, occasionally I get close, get a glimpse of their face but never their features. Who they are eludes me, why I'm so desperate to get to them has always been a mystery, for all I know they're never the same person, they could be the first girl I feel in love with, or my commanding officer on Akuze, or I could be chasing a stapler, I really don't know. One psychologist told me once, when I made the mistake of divulging the details of my restless mind, that the reason I was so desperate to reach the screaming figure was because they were a subconscious representations of a childhood I had no control over.

I hate psychologists.

I've had this dream so many times I'm no longer afraid of the things it contains, although I had been when I was a child. I'd wake up screaming, in an Alliance dormitory wanting my father to comfort me but getting instead a young recruit who'd managed to draw the night watch straw. They would stumble to me in the dark, tell me to go back to sleep, to just close my eyes and ignore my racing heart and trembling fingers, to forget the things I could still see replaying themselves behind my eyes as if it were as easy as turning off a light.

It's a familiar film reel to me now; almost comforting, the events in it have no meaning any more. I think of it, as I stand, staring out onto the emptiness of space, wondering at what point the illusion became reality. I can just see the traces of light left by a mass accelerator in the distance, brilliant blue streaks of paint on the black canvas of creation, the trail left by a fleeing ship; Liara's ship. I was too late; I had left it too long and missed my chance now she's hundreds of light-years away.

"I'll miss you Liara." I whisper, closing my eyes as I feel them prickle with tears.

Sometimes it feels like I'll always be chasing things I can never reach, always treading water trying to stay a float, never getting where I want to be. This damn stupid station, this pointless enquiry, this government that will do anything to keep me in place, to show me that I am nothing, a soldier, a grunt, a waste of skin only allowed out of my box when the situation requires it. I never wanted to become a solider, not really, not the way I know Ashley did, or how Liara wanted to become a scientist. It's true that I idolised my mother when I was young, wanted nothing more then to do as she had done, to save the galaxy from itself but can a child truly make that choice when given only one option? I guess I'll never know. This is the life my parents chose; ships and stations, orders and officers, I have known no other life, have lived no other way. A normal life, a terrestrial one wouldn't fit. It doesn't mean I don't long for one though, for stability, a home instead of a bunk, a place that I can build on, add to, and grow in. Somewhere I can have a life and not just a career.

I touch the glass mournfully, still unable to quite grasp what has happened, that she's gone. I couldn't have gotten here any quicker, I ran through the hallways at full speed, slipped over twice, pushed my way through a group of cadets, relived my dream in everyway meaning I arrived just as the ship was accelerating away. I've never felt despair like this; knowing that I should have been here early, that my own ridiculous pride has kept me from her. My fist still throbs from its impact against the window, my eyes still sting.

There's a commotion of sound behind me as the IntAf office doors slide open and I turn in time to see one of the grey clad figures of authority forcing a woman through the archway, much to her disgust.

"You don't understand….." The high pitched voice says as she's stumbles out into the departure lounge. "If you just give me a few minutes I'll find my-"

"You're more then welcome to come back, Miss, once you can show a valid Alliance ID, until then please remain in the civilian class section."

"If you'll just give me a few minutes-" The officer disappears back through into customs and the door closes silently. "Fine, bye….Ass."

"I can honestly say," I begin, sinking my hands into my trousers in some vain attempt at causality, "that you are the last person I'd expect to see coming out of an Alliance only lounge."

Emily Wong, dressed in an outfit that for her is quite reserved but on anyone else would make them look like a low class asari dancer, turns her heart shaped head to me in shock.

"Commander Shepard, what are you doing here?"

"Out of the two of us you're surprised that I'm here, really?" I give her a wry smile and raise one eyebrow. "I have enough problems getting through security sometimes, not so much since the whole poster child for prosperity thing but I'd love to know how you do it?"

"Oh, well, you'd be surprised how easy it is to get in anywhere when you know the right people." The young reporter grins at me, flashing her perfect teeth.

"And dressed like that I imagine it's not difficult to find them." Rubbing my eyes I let out a yawn, overcome by fatigue and a bone aching weariness that I've been trying to keep at bay for weeks. "It's good to see you again Emily, I was worried you didn't make it off the Citadel in the attack."

"Really? You were worried about me?" She asks with a meek expression and smile. I give her a small shrug.

"Well, okay I actually spent most of the attack just trying not to get shot in the ass but yeah, I was." I catch the looks she gives me and roll my eyes. "And Sha'ira, and Rita and her sister, even the guys in the embassies, so don't get all smug with me."

"It really says a lot about you that even in such a chaotic situation with your life on the line you still have enough empathy to worry about those around you."

"Hmm, well, I've tried ignoring other people's existence, but I just end up walking into them a lot." I twist, aggravating my ribs. "Not exactly stealthy."

She smiles at me again, smoothing out the creases in her sleek purple dress. There was a time, when I was younger, when seeing a woman dressed the way she is, in nothing more then tastefully placed pieces of silk, would have driven me mad. In fact it still does, I'm not so detached from my emotions that I don't recognise the longing and arousal that such an attractive woman enkindles in me, the difference is that there's no appeal to it any more. With just the slightest shake of my head and bite of my lip I sink into one of the moulded metal chairs. Closing my heavy eyes I let out a long, slow sigh.

"So what did you think of the trial, entertaining enough for you?"

"I only know what the press release says. Reporters weren't allowed into the actually enquiry"

Emily shifts uneasily; even with my eyes closed I can see that, for a woman so talented at finding the truth in others' actions she is surprisingly deficient at masking her own.

"Right," I nod, "because the woman who can charm her way through IntAf customs was stumped by two impressionable servicemen with high libidos."

"Honestly, Commander, I was outside for the entire thing, I would have loved to have seen it."

"I'm not going to arrest you for breaking Alliance security protocols if that's what you're worried about." Opening one eye I peer at her in amusement. "I don't care if you know what happened, shout it to the roof tops, it'll get the spotlight off me."

The reporter's body language tightens for a moment as she thinks over my words, studying me with her dark eyes, running her fingers through the tips of her auburn hair. Letting her shoulders fall she lowers herself gracefully into the seat at my side.

"It was the most amazing few hours of my life, Commander, I had no idea all those things were happening in the galaxy. I don't imagine anyone outside the Alliance does, it's such a fascinating story; it really deserves to be told."

"Then tell it." I shrug.

"I would love to; do you have any idea what this story would do for my career? I'd be fronting Newsnet by the end of the cycle. But if I write a single word of what I heard in there they'll have me charged with treason, or worse, people will just assume I made the whole thing up and I'll lose my credibility. It's so frustrating, this is the biggest story of my entire career, do you know what it's like to be privileged to something so important and know not a single person will believe you?" Rolling my head over to look at her I give her a baleful look. "Okay, so maybe you've had some experience of it."

"Just a tad."

"What was it like? Having this knowledge that something terrible was coming but having no-one believe in you?"

"I had people who believed in me."

"Like Lieutenant Alenko? The gossip around the media-sphere is that you were in a relationship, is there any weight to that?"

Craning my neck I peer at her before shaking my head jadedly, biting my lip in annoyance.

"Don't do that. Don't interview me and hope I won't notice." My life has changed dramatically but I never thought it would come to the point where I couldn't even have a conversation with a woman without worrying that she has an ulterior motive. "I'm not an idiot Miss Wong, I know that reporters are only interested in one thing but I hoped that after all the things I've done for you you'd give me the common courtesy of asking first."

"Commander, wait, no. I didn't mean to….to insult you in anyway." She takes me by the wrist, stopping me from leaving. "It was stupid of me to try, I'm sorry. It's just that an interview with you could make my career; in fact you have made my career. Do you know what I was doing before I met you? Interviewing warehouse workers who think they've seen keepers talking to one another and writing fluff pieces about whether the protein vats on the Citadel lower your intelligence."

I fold my arms underneath me chest. "And do they?"

She blinks at me. "Do they what?"

"Lower your intelligence?"

"I…I honestly don't know, there was no proof either way and the people claiming so weren't exactly reliable. That's not important, it was just a dumb piece of filler when nothing else news worthy was happening."

"And I'm news worthy?"

"Are you kidding?" Her eyes widen, her smile brightens. "You're the first human spectre, the saviour of the galaxy, an Alliance hero. There is no one in this Universe more worthy of a story then you."

"I'll tell you what," my spine prickles with irritation, I clench and unclench my throbbing hand, "You go visit Zhu's Hope and talk to colonists who were being controlled by a giant sentient plant, who watched their loved ones die because a corporation put profits before lives and tell me that their story is worth hearing. Or go back to Earth and talk to Janna Alenko about her son and tell me that their story isn't worthy. Or hell! Talk to any single person on my crew, who have been in this story since its start and tell them that they're not worth writing about." I rage at her, "Do you know the only thing that makes me different from them? That I was stupid enough to look a prothean beacon in the eye and get a vision dumped in my head. That's it."

"You're wrong Commander. No-one else could have done what you did, rallied allies around them like that. I mean, God Shepard! You got a krogan warrior to fall in step behind you; you faced off against an Asari matriarch, one of the most powerful beings in the galaxy and walked away completely unharmed. It's the kind of thing top vids are made of. You're an amazing woman; you have an amazing story that needs to be told."

Watching her silently it occurs to me that if I were to her kiss her here, right now, in the dim light cast from the viewing window she wouldn't resist. If I pushed her further, caressed her skin, released the tie of her dress and moved my hands along her skin she would let me, she would feel privileged. I've seen the looks people give me now, the unreserved adulation and adoration, like I'm a walking example of God himself, if he exists. It would be so easy, so very easy.

"Do you want to get a drink with me?" I meet her eyes.

So very easy.

xXoXx

My hand hovers over the doors access panel, not quite touching it, over come by a sudden, uncharacteristic uncertainty. There are times in life your when you do things you'll regret later because you have to, then there are times when you things you'll regret because you want to. This was both. At my side, mere centimetres away Emily Wong stands, hands clasped at front of her meekly, all traces of the over confident reporter she usually is hidden by a mask of tentativeness. In the morning, or later in the day as is more accurate, when my emotions have receded I'll think back on this and wonder why on earth I did this.

"Nervous?"

"Yes," she replies hesitantly, her voice tinged with excitement and anxiety, "it's not every day I get to spend the night with an Alliance hero." I smile at her, touch her lower back gently. "This is a once in lifetime experience, Commander."

"Once in a life time huh?" I give her a huge, cocky smile. "I guess that's one way of putting it."

She nudged me in the side. "Up yourself much Commander?"

"Please, call me Shepard." I reply, entering my code into the door panel then scanning my palm over it. "After tonight, I think you'll earn the informality."

A split second passes, as the internal gears align and then divide, before the door splits itself in two and reveals behind it an expensive Antarctica suite filled with the Normandy's crew. We step through the archway, Emily's eyes expanding in childish glee.

The air is electric, palpable with energy from a crew that has been in desperate need of relaxation for months, who are taking every opportunity to celebrate their continued existence. The music, deep hypnotic dance vibes that speak to the very core of you, is turned up high enough to resonate in your chest and reverberate against the walls. Loud enough for you to forget yourself in if you choose to. There's the very real sense in the air that every single person in this room is just happy to be alive, and I'm just happy to have something else to occupy my mind other than thoughts of Liara.

"It's six in the morning!" Emily exclaims, taking my shoulder and leaning into my ear. "Have they been doing this all night?"

"Wouldn't you? Some of these guys haven't been on leave in almost a year. Dubyansky over there…" I nod to Alexei Dubyansky, one of the deck crew, a slightly younger man than Pressly, but one who looks just as intense. "He was saving up his furloughs to go to his daughters wedding when he got assigned to the Normandy. Two weeks later Eden Prime happens and he never got to go. Negulesco," I point now at a young engineer with striking black hair. "She voluntarily declined to take her leave when she was given the choice between that and serving under Adams. I think they've earned some down time don't you?"

"Absolutely, there is no question about that. I wasn't even aware there were this many crew members on the Normandy."

"Every person in this room deserves recognition. If you think I'm still the one you want to interview after tonight then I'll oblige, but just give these guys a fair hearing, they deserve at least that. How about you go mingle, you never know you might get lucky?" Giving her a smirk and a pat on the back I excuse myself from her side.

"You don't think everyone will think it's strange I'm here?"

"You kidding me? Given how much they've had to drink they'd be lucky to recognise their own mother."

A head of me, a few metres away sat around a circular conference table Ashley, Joker, Chakwas, Tali, Garrus and Wrex have congregated to play, judging by the numerous empty bottles of alcohol, deck of cards and credit chits, a hand of Jump Zero; a drinking game whose rules are ridiculously complicated. I move my way through the crew who largely are oblivious to my presence. A few catch my eye, smile or salute but most are too engaged in what they are doing to pay me any attention at all, which is nice for a change. I reach the card table but keep a few steps back, hidden in the shadows of the crowd so completely my old infiltration instructor would be proud.

Garrus, a glass of lime green Turian brandy in his hand, reaches for the pack of cards with his three fingers and turns over the top one. "Four of hearts."

Ashley does the same with her five fingers. "Diamond infantry. Drink Vakarian."

"Damn it." The turian winces and takes a shot, as does Ashley. "I'm beginning to think this game has no rules."

"Drink!" Chakwas, Joker and Ashley all say, slamming their hands onto the table top, causing the many multi-coloured canisters to jump clear into the air.

"Why?" Tali asks then cringes. "Really, why?"

"Question." Chakwas and Ashley say in unison. "Drink."

"This game is nonsensical!

The quarian pours herself another drink and I feel for Tali, I really do. The first time I made the mistake of playing this game without understanding the rules, back in my early days at the academy, I lost three days of my leave to a drunken blurry haze. What I did in that time is still a mystery, I have vague flashes now and then, me sitting on top of a Shanxi memorial in nothing but my briefs, an argument with my mother that she still won't tell me about and something to do with my tech instructor that I really hope was a dream. I wouldn't be surprised if there are some incriminating vids of those missing days somewhere on the extranet just waiting to be rediscovered and passed along to the less scrupulous reporters at Westerlund News.

"Drink!" The Alliance crew says again, after Tali makes the mistake of questioning an order, drawing a hearty chuckle from Wrex.

"I like this game. You humans have a strong stomach and few brain cells, just the way I like my mammals. Joker!" He slaps the helmsman solidly across the back, lucky not to shatter the poor man's shoulder. "More ryncol all round."

"You're playing with ryncol?" I ask incredulously, stepping forward and leaning over the back of Tali's chair. "You guys are crazy."

"Shepard!" Tali and Garrus both exclaim, drawing a laugh from the others. The turian groans. "Let me guess, drink?"

"Question." Ashley smirks, downing her shot. "Two drinks."

"There are just no rules to this are there?"

"Drink!"

"For the love of-" The turian grumbles tipping two more fingers of brandy into his glass before upending it. If it's possible it looks as if his visor has slipped down his face. "I swear, you humans are making up the rules as you go along."

"What's not to understand?" Wrex replies, taking a mouthful of ryncol without asking. "No given name, no clan names, no words that mean zero and no questions. Simple."

"Then what are the cards for?" Tali asks.

"Fun." I shrug, leaning over her to pick one myself. "Red Admiral. And you have to drink quarian."

"Keelah," her helmet flashes as she breathes. "Any more of this and I'll throw up in my suit."

"As is the idea." Joker smirks, reaching for a card himself, he turns over an ace of diamonds. "Three shots Commander."

"I remember why I hate this game." I grumble but oblige, recoiling slightly at the acrid, burning taste as it goes down. "You guys look like you're having fun."

"You should have been here earlier Shepard," Tali exclaims, oblivious to her mistake, I smile at her enthusiasm but know she's going to regret taking part in the morning. "Chakwas and Liara were doing, what did you call it Chief, empty orchestra?"

"Four drinks." Chakwas supplied.

"Boshtet." She swears, pushing her glass forward to be refilled.

"You are really bad at this." I reply casually, trying to not seem as shaken by the mention of Liara's name as I am. "And I think your translator chip may have glitched, you mean karaoke. Karaoke is Japanese for…." Tali stares at me, obviously her chip mistranslating the words again but she has learnt enough now not to ask. "You know what, never mind. Did Liara-"

"Drink."

"Did she get off alright?"

"Off Commander," Chakwas says, her intonation changing the question into more of a statement, showing her infinite experience at this game. She looks up at me, the epitaph of cool. "The doctor hasn't left yet as far as I'm aware; I believe there was a problem with her transport."

"You mean Liara's…."

"Drink."

"God damn. You mean she's…" My eyes go around the room of their own accord, searching each of the dark corners, studying every face, feeling like I'm falling through the floor. I take another quart of ryncol to calm myself. "She's still here?"

"I think she's on the balcony, I guess the noise got a bit much for her." Ashley says catching my eye and giving me a meaningful look. "You should go see her before she leaves."

"I…" Words escape me, my palms sweat; I haven't felt this nervous about anything in my life. Losing her I could almost cope with, I'd hate myself forever, I was ready for that in fact, that was easy, hating myself was easy. But having to speak to her, see her, admit to her how I feel, that seems impossible. It occurs to me that I have all the emotional maturity of a space hamster; something I clearly need to work on because how can if be easier to hate myself at the thought of having missed my chance then it to stand up and actually take it?

I'm vaguely aware of Ashley's chair moving away from the table and the marine standing.

"Hey Skipper, Pressly managed to get some top notch chow for this thing, how bout we go see if there's any left?" She hooks her arm over my shoulder, the gesture oddly comforting and pulls me away. "You know, with all due respect Shepard-"

"A very annoying person once told me that will all due respect actually means kiss my ass."

"You say annoying, I say wise." She smirks. "And in my wise ass way I hope you'll forgive me for speaking so frankly, but you're an idiot."

"I could have you done for insubordination you know that Chief?"

"Could do, but then you'd have to find someone else who can un-jam your pistol when you get it too hot."

I blink at her words.

"God it's a good thing Joker isn't listening."

The chief ignores me and my failed attempt at changing the conversation and continues on regardless. "Liara is a nice girl, you could do a lot worse then her you know, why don't you just get over yourself and go talk to her?"

"You've certainly changed your tune." I reply, my voice prickling with annoyance. "When we first met you'd rather ram a fork in your eye then even consider having dinner with an alien."

"Things changed a lot after the LT's death." She shrugs sadly. "Hell if Pressly can change his opinions of them, a guy whose own grandfather died in the First Contact war, I can. Don't get me wrong I'm still not their biggest fans, but Wrex, Vakarian, Liara, Tali, they've all proved themselves to me. Especially Liara. You shot her mother Skipper, that can't have been easy for her but she put that behind her, for you. So quit avoiding the subject and go talk to the girl."

"I'm not-"

"You're avoiding her, hell I've done it enough times in my life to know the signs. You're so scared of losing her you're pushing her away because then at least it's on your terms."

"Ash," I say, leaning against the wall, eyes on the doorway to the balcony, I want to lie to her but I don't have the energy to pretend anymore. "Christ, Ash I don't know what to do. I can't say goodbye to her, I can't watch her leave I just don't have it in me."

"She leaving whether you say goodbye or not, wouldn't you rather spend a little more time with her before she does?"

My eyes go to the doorway again my breathing slows but heart races. In the corner I see Emily Wong chatting to Evans and Danes, the two of them reduced to drooling school boys. Behind me the others are still engrossed in their game of cards, next to me Ashley moves, her hands in her pockets, seemingly reading my mind.

"You know I'm always right Skipper, why fight it?"

"With all due respect Chief." I say pointedly but not harshly. "Kiss my ass."

"As if you'd ever get that lucky." She quips, grabbing a piece of cake from the buffet table and walking off, leaving me to study the room alone.

It's nice to see my crew like this, without the rigor of professionalism tied around their necks, they don't have to act a certain way, or pretend to be anything their not; they can be themselves. Away from the ship they're allowed to flaunt the friendships they've made, and act on the relationships that have been blossoming without fear of reprisal. Everyday for six months I walked into the mess hall and saw Grenardo and Jiao staring at each other across the dining table, sharing secret jokes and meaningful glances but I know neither of them ever acted on it. They're soldiers, they respect their position and duty too much to ever jeopardise it over personal feelings; in many ways they're better people them I. I smile at the sight of the specialist and engineer, entangled in each others arm; I should reprimand them for inappropriate action, but honestly, who would begrudge them this one night of being human?

"Your crew have interesting stories." Emily Wong says with a smile, sliding behind the table next to me elegantly. "A lot of them seem to revolve around you and something called a Mako?"

"You've been talking to Adam's I see." She gives me a bright grin, making me think again about just how simple it would be to sleep with her. "He has this terrible opinion of my driving, but you ask anyone one of the ground crew and they'll tell you it takes skill to flip a Mako. You're meant to have been finding out things about the crew, not about my flaws, which granted are few and far between."

"So I'm seeing. All they seem to want to talk about is their wonderful, enigmatic leader. That and engage in a lot of heavy petting."

"It's been six months. How do you think you'd cope without sex for that long?"

"Goodness I have no idea. But I thought there were rules against that sort of thing?" Her voice rises to be heard over a crescendo in the music. "Fraternisation right?"

"Technically, as the Normandy's grounded their service has been suspended." I yell back, "But they could get kicked out if anyone were to find out. We all could."

"We?" She asks her curiosity clearly peeked.

"Never mind." Taking a deep, bracing breath I try to force some energy into my limbs, as if I can trick myself into going to her. "Keep asking round you'll get something; if you want some really good stories go try Garrus and Wrex."

Another deep breath and I excuse myself from her and move through the swarm of people towards the balcony door, only partially in charge of my movements. My feet make their way towards Liara of their own accord, if it were up to me I'd have taken another measure of Wrex's cocktail to ready myself but it appears I'm no longer the one making these decisions. I pause at the doorway a second too long and almost lose my nerve, it takes a vast amount of effort for me to pass through into the covered balcony that overlooks the arms. The view from here is amazing, it's as if the entire station has been painted in orange light and displayed upon the huge glass windows, it is just a distraction however, a background canvas to why I am here; in a lounger a few feet away Liara has turned to face me.

"Commander." Her voice wavers with poorly hidden hurt. "Did you need something?"

I watch her, seeing the way the corners of her eyes crease, her lips press together as her face flickers between joy, surprise and pain. Images flash through me, memories of a sort.

-my resolve breaks and I launch at her, all restraint gone. Pushing her back against the window, my hands find her neck and-

Struggling for words I part my lips hoping something, anything, a pearl of wisdom, or a declaration of love, a limerick, even a monosyllabic grunt, will drop from them, but nothing does. I stare at her mutely.

"What do you want, Shepard?"

The way she pleads my name, not callously, nor with any type of malice hits me harder then any scream of profanities ever could and pulls me from myself. Taking two great strides I kneel in front of her take her face in my hands and kiss her; the taste of her, the feel of her lips against mine, I can't describe how much I've missed it. Liara's body softens, her shoulder's relax and I can feel her leaning in to me before she catches herself and pushes me away in annoyance.

"Shepard no, no," putting her hands on my shoulders she forces me backwards. "You cannot do this; you cannot kiss me and expect me to forget the past few days."

"I know." Sitting back on my haunches I give her a modest smile. "I just really wanted to kiss you."

Liara's face relaxes for just the briefest second but it doesn't last. She stands, her hand resting on the top of her head and begins to pace.

"Oh Shepard, if only it were that easy." So folds her arms, shaking her head slowly. "If it weren't for a malfunction on the transport you booked me on I would have been light-years away by now. Do I mean so little to you that you would allow me to leave without even a handshake?"

"Do you honestly think that, Liara?"

"I do not know what to think, Shepard." She gestures at me in bewilderment. "I think you care for me, I like to think that I am not so bad a judge of character to have misread you completely, but the way you have been with me recently I just don't know. Have I misread your intensions? Because I thought, however naively, that you did have genuine feelings for me, am I wrong?"

"Of course not, Liara."

"Then where have you been?" Her eyes plead at me. "I have searched this station one end to the other looking for you Shepard, because I..." Her mouth rounds as if she was going to say more but turns from me before she finishes. "Because I did not what to leave this way."

"I've been trying to get the lock taken off the Normandy." The reflection of her face crinkles in disgust at my poor attempt at vindication. "The reapers are coming, I-"

"Shepard." Her voice drops with emotion and she turns to me, eyes glistening with tears. "I know the reapers are coming, there are few people in this galaxy that have seen what you have seen but I am one of them. I am well aware of what is at stake, but right now…right now…." She wipes her eyes with the palm of her hands. "I have been there for you every time you've needed me, you have never had to ask but…but…"

I reach for her, wrap her in my arms, realisation and clarity coming to me in a wave.

"But you're burying your mother in a few days. God Liara, I….I'm so sorry." Liara nods solemnly, her legs seemingly giving way as she sinks down onto the end of one of the loungers.

"We were not close, not in the manner most asari maidens are with their mothers, but even so, she was still my mother. Is it too much to hope that you would be there for me when I need you Shepard, that I mean enough to you for you to take half an hour out of your day to say goodbye to me?"

I have never thought of myself as a selfish person. I've made selfish choices of course, I don't think there is a person alive who can honestly say they haven't, but on balance, I hope I put others before myself more often then I don't. Then again the ability to see self interest in yourself requires an external understanding that by its very existence selfishness negates, so maybe I am. Maybe every decision I've made has been to further my own cause, I doubt I'll ever know but I like to think, I hope I am not the kind of person who chooses their own side above others but looking at Liara now I realise I am. I'm a selfish person, these past few months I have thought of nothing but myself, my mission and what I have to do.

"You're right." Standing, I take her hand. "You're absolutely right, Liara. I've been so engrossed in…in all of this that I've taken you for granted. But you need to know… I need you to know that I couldn't have done any of this without you. The day you told me you were leaving, without a word of a lie was one of the worst of my life. The thought that you wouldn't be here, that I couldn't walk the short distance across the mess and see you bent over some prothean artefact….I can't describe what it was like but it was horrible, and it was selfish. Because as soon as you told me you were leaving to bury your mother all I can could think was how am I going to cope without you? How am I going to get over losing you? It never even crossed my mind that you might be struggling with her death, I'm so sorry, Liara."

"Shepard, you don't have to apologise…"

"I do, Liara, I do." I raise my eyes to meet her. "I want to be there for you, like you've been there for me. I want to be strong for you but…but I don't have any strength left in me."

Letting go of her I stand, and go to the window.

"I saw my mother today, she made me realise that no matter how much I want to be the one who is there for you for a change, I can't."

"Shepard…." She says softly, and I meet her eyes in the window reflection

"I'm drowning, Liara. In grief, in guilt in….anger." I hate the way my voice breaks but I am powerless to stop it. "I want to be strong, you have no idea how much I want to be strong, to take your hand as you fall apart but I can't. I am barely holding myself together as it is, I don't have enough to spare to do the same for you. It's selfish and it's conceited but that's how it is." Tears fall freely from my eyes, huge heavy drops that soak into the lapel of my dress whites; I look up at clear glass ceiling. "God I'm such a…a pathetic fool. I've wasted what little time we had left together because I knew this exact thing would happen. I don't want to rely on you as much as I do, Liara, it's not fair."

"There is nothing wrong with needing support, Shepard." She comes up behind me, lacing her hands around my stomach and her chin against my shoulder. "There is no shame in breaking down and admitting that you are, for lack of a better term human. If you are willing I will stand by your side as you stand by mind, and we can keep each other strong in this." She's silent for a moment, her head resting against mine. "Accompany me to Thessia Commander."

"You want me to be there with you? After….after…" I can't bring myself to say the words but she knows, I can see it. "You would honestly take the woman who murdered your mother to her funeral?"

"I do not view you that way Shepard, I never have."

"No, but her followers will."

"I am not asking you for them."

Staring at her reflection in the window pane I realise, of all the things I've done, all the wrongs I have righted are meaningless if I can't do this now. I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand.

"I've never been to Thessia."

"Well then Commander." She kisses the back of my neck gently. "It seems to me that now is the perfect time to rectify that."