Insanewelshangel: It's been so long since I last visited ffnet (so I haven't been commenting on fics or authors I normally comment on, I am deeply sorry, please don't take it personally) and...the last update of this was near my birthday –in July- and now it's 2007, April. Bloody hell.

I'm so sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry! (and that was no copy and paste job there folks. Blood, sweat and furious typing just went into that) When I re-read the reviews… guilt just washed over me and came back for me, I was Tsunami-girl for a couple of hours D:

I can't make it up to you lot for suddenly disappearing when I had such a following who liked my stories for whatever reason. All I can say is sorry! Moreover, this is getting long so I'm going to shut up now. Believe me; I had my reasons for not updating. I'm not comfortable with sharing those reasons though, so forgive me ♥

Oh, and thank you to the lovely Answers about that song, I've fallen in utter love with it, it really does remind me of this story (listened to it on repeat for days XD) ♥

The sun washed a cheerful pattern across the clean carpeted floor, splashing its waves of yellow onto the sea grass coloured walls. Outside a child laughed and jumped towards a little boy, clasping her hand around his tightly and pulling him along, his face suddenly turning red and his eyes wide with amazement. Her laughter carried and danced through the open window of Kai's bedroom. The foreign sound disturbing the inner depths of his soul, as he stirred from a light slumber. With a creak and a rustle of heavy air, he made his way to the window and stared after the two children with a blank expression in his ruby tinted eyes. The little girl had a kind open smile, eyes that shone brighter than a halo, her small hand securing the boy like a blanket of safety. The boy himself had dirt smudged across his trousers and face, his face a picture of adoration. Kai's hand brushed the cold barricade of the glass, seeing in his own mind the two children grow up into young adults, her hair was longer and his frame was broader, and they were holding hands still. It was a tale of forever wrapped in a fabric of reality, one he had once known until that other person had let go of his hand. Then he was left, staring at the rain kissed grass on a night void of warmth and laughter.

With a slight frown, Kai reached up and pulled the window shut with force, briskly turning from the window as he fought against the memories wanting to flood into the closed gates of his heart. His hand immediately shot out to caress the frozen handle of the bedroom door, stopping shortly before he flung it open. Rei was on the other side of the door, somewhere in the house. Kai didn't know if he could bear to see him at this moment in time. The ebony haired boy would smile and talk and do all sorts of things that made Kai unsure.

Who is Rei Kon?

Rei Kon is a song. What song, Kai didn't know. Just that he is. His song's always changing and morphing and reaching higher and higher. It's something you'd sing in the dead of night, trying to ignore the sounds outside your blanket-cave. It's something to be sung to yourself on the bus or when you were chasing your child around the garden. It had so many voices that not one could be told from the other. Instead, they merged and fluttered together in hope that the world would hear.

Rei Kon is something no one else is. He is something everyone wanted to know. He is one of those rare types of people. The type of person who is so easy to fall in love with.

He is the type of person that made you willing to try to smile.

---

"Who am I?" A voice sang, hands covering the older man's eyes, a giggle following after.

"Don't be silly," Was the gruff reply.

The boy sighed, dropping himself onto the floor and leaning his head on the elder's shoulder, staring out at the sky with a bored expression. "Must you always pay more attention to that stupid blanket of night than me?" His lips formed a pout, face nuzzling into the man's coat. Of course, he didn't get a reply, he never did when he asked those sorts of questions. He turned his gaze to the sky and smiled as Cassiopeia winked down at him. "They're pretty, aren't they?"

"Yes."

The boy's smile widened at the underlying love flowing into the man's voice. He had always had a thing about the sky and the stars but he would never admit it "God must have been proud of himself for creating such bright candles!"

"God is proud of anything he creates, except the odd few things."

The boy frowned, snuggling closer to the warmth, "What does he do with the things he doesn't like?" He whispered, almost afraid of the answer.

"He throws them down and claims them Satan's. We're all the Devil's children in one way or another."

---

"Tsubasa, Tsubasa, Tsubasa…argh what does it mean!" Rei cursed to himself, his fist pounding the solid countertop of the coffee table. "Is it something to do with the soldier himself or just the name? Maybe I should ask Kai if he knows a Tsubasa?" He immediately shook his head, "No, he probably won't answer anyway. And even if he did know any, he still wouldn't tell me."

Rei sighed, shaking his head violently as his head began to throb once more. It was an all too regular symphony of questions after instinct after wonder that seemed to interlink with Kai. If Kai made Rei's head hurt that much, then how much must his heart hurt? The thrumming organ was much softer and premature, open to ridiculous new ideas such as hope and innocence.

The news reporters on TV blabbered on in the living room, speaking some subliminal message to the masses about how different people were bad and throw them out of the country now or the world will end. Then the reporter began it. It being the tone of anger and thick-headiness that every one was easy to accept. His rapid questions fuelling the fire of injustice and patriotism in previously indifferent beings. Rei found himself padding into the living room, staring at the screen as images of 'evil' and 'bad people' swam in and out of focus, before making a noise of disgust and flicking the device off with a click of the remote. Didn't they know no one is just evil, or just good?

The damn questions were now mixing with Rei's own inquiries of Kai.

Why did humans have to question everything? Even living was questioned. Why do we exist? What is the purpose of life? He thought it was rather pathetic. Did the crow speculate why he flies over golden corn fields or why he sang sadly or why he would fly everyday? Did the snow refuse to fall just because it would fade away when the sun shone brightly? The purpose of life is to live. But that answer is so simple, no one accepts it. Maybe they want to believe that there's more, that they weren't just an accident or that it was destiny that got them where they were. Rei would wonder sometimes if there was such a thing as destiny or fate, which actually means the same but doesn't at the same time. It wasn't the way of the Gods, or Karma, or even his lucky red gloves that got him to where he was. It was just him. He wasn't going to belittle himself by confirming it was destiny, because it wasn't.

Everything happens by chance, but it's all back to that human insecurity, no one likes mistakes. Even though if it wasn't for mistakes most of the population wouldn't exist, even though most events in history are mistakes, even though the strongest feeling you could ever dream to hold tightly was a mistake. No, it's not perfection, throw it away, get rid of it. Mistake, mistake, mistake.

Rei knew for a fact that his birth was a 'mistake', his mother and father had not planned him. But instead of a mistake he was christened a 'miracle'. His father had died due to a mistake, but instead of a mistake they called it an 'unfortunate tragedy'. Kai. Kai was a mistake. Something from each potion thrown into one soul, mixed and stirred and frozen until all that was left was this and that and an eternity to think 'that was a mistake' or an error, fault, blunder, whatever you want to call it. In the words of Mary Shelly 'a monster'. It was never a good thing, even if some of the happiest people in the world are mistakes. Wrong, wrong, wrong, they couldn't possibly be happy. Could they?

Rei was.

Why couldn't Kai be?

The answer is quite simple; there are different kinds of mistakes. The kind people accept, and the kind they don't.

"Tsubasa…"

XOXOXO

"You must be happy."

"Why?"

"It's not raining."

Rei leapt up and pulled the curtains apart, letting out a joyful yell as he jumped up and down on the spot "About time! It's been going on non-stop for years."

Kai watched Rei from his seat, eyebrow lifted in what he deemed exasperation. The younger got so happy about the littlest things, things that didn't even matter. Things that did matter actually but they were too little to be of any concern. The ebony haired male flung open the window and breathed in deeply, ignoring the harsh wind that swept inside, cutting through his hair on the way in, rudely exploring every crook and cranny before vanishing with a click of the window being shut.

"We should go somewhere!" Rei crooned, spinning from the glorious sight of a blue sky, excited at the prospect of being able to escape without fear, "I mean, that's if you want to?" Despite having the offer to decline, Kai had the sound suspicion that he'd be dragged along even if he said no. Therefore, he wordlessly strolled out of the room and waited for Rei to realise he had accepted. By the sight of Rei scrambling up the stairs to retrieve his 'woolies', Kai guessed the neko-jin had realised.

Jumping the final step, Rei bounced over with a large scarf and even larger smile, grabbing Kai's hand with his own glove-hugged one. Only pausing to lock the door, Rei dragged the elder down the garden path and down the street, ignoring the nippy cold and the promise of white kisses in the clouds.

"Let's go to the park! There's little food stalls and we can get something hot for our bellies while we walk!" He announced, and Kai found himself in the park even if he didn't want to be there.

With a cheery thank you, Rei turned from the vendor and held out a cup of something hot to Kai. With a sceptical glance Kai held the plastic beige coloured cup between his hands.

"It's so pretty out here. Winter is really knocking at our doorstep now," Rei beamed, sipping the sugary coco and relishing in the warm caress it caused as it slipped down his throat. He blew out a puff of air, half watching the mist twist into dancing figures and dragons, "After Christmas as well, it would have been nice to have snow for Christmas."

Kai was still staring at his cup.

"It's not poison you know," Rei spoke, puffing out his cheeks and furrowing his eyebrows, nudging Kai in the ribs to drink up and get warm. Kai tentatively raised the cup to his lips, not because he was scared but because god knows how much crap Rei had ordered to be put into it, and took a small taste. He raised an eyebrow at the shorter boy in the next second with an expression akin to pleasant surprise, as Rei tried to suppress his growing grin.

"Ah, snow!" He shouted at the sky, hopping slightly on one foot as he trailed off, one hard firmly around the cup and the other tugging Kai's coat sleeve.

"Why do you want it to snow?"

Rei looked at him "Why wouldn't I want it to snow? No work! Snow day! Snowmen! Carrots and hats and snowballs, even though they hurt, and then there are the snow angels!"

"What?"

Ebony hair twirled lazily in the chilly air as Rei spun around once again, "Snow angels! You must have heard of them?" He asked, head tilting when he saw Kai's darkening face "You just lie on your back and spread your legs-" Kai shot him a bewildered look, "And your arms and then move them. It's always best to have someone else there so you can get up without making a mess of your snow angel." Rei laughed.

Kai wondered what the point in even making a snow angel was. Could everyone make them? What if Lucifer did it? Would his come out as an angel, or would he be marred as a demon, even by the snow?

"You know…I can't explain it. But once you make a snow angel, you see why people do it. It's like making magic."

--- Pause ---

"Kai?"

"Hmm?"

"What're your parents like?"

"…"

"…"

"Dead"

"Oh! Oh…I'm so sorry!"

"Don't be. They were dead when I was born."

That doesn't make sense, Rei thought with worried eyes and sickening backwash of his mother's funeral and …never mind, don't think about it. It doesn't make sense.

It does make sense. How?

Alive. Alive. You can fly when you're alive, did you know that? You can spread your wings and just soar and pretend that it was freedom.

His parents didn't have wings, they never believed in emancipation.

They believed in black ties and firm hand shakes and leave that alone, don't touch it or you'll die.

His mother said that a lot to him. Don't go outside, you'll die.

Don't talk to anyone, they'll kill you.

Don't leave, stay here and I'll protect you.

Don't smile, you're not supposed to.

The truth was she wanted to keep him from the outside world. No one could see what they had made.

Monster.

-- Play ---

"Magic?"

"Yes, magic!" Rei replied, digging into his pocket before bringing out a small white paper bag. With a pleased grin, he nestled the bag into a hand and ruffled open the top, dipping two fingers in before holding the bag out of Kai. The elder watched as Rei popped a small brown treat into his mouth and bit down with a delightful expression at the loud crunch. "Chestnuts!" He explained with a full mouth.

Kai let out a light snort, peering into the bag. Rei picked another morsel up, peeled off the external layer and added a pinch of salt, the crystals flavouring the meat "Here, try it," Rei laughed when Kai looked at it dubiously "What? It's not like it's going to turn you into Alice and make you shrink."

"No, it's just…I'm allergic"

Rei stared at him for a moment. Then he jumped back and twisted the top of the bag firmly, shoving it into his pocket and wiping his hands as best as he could on his jeans "Ah! I'm sorry! I didn't know!" He looked around for water to wash his hands with, before remembering he was in the middle of a park.

"Don't worry about it," Kai said dryly, "No, honestly. Stop it, you're embarrassing yourself."

XOXOXO

Rei peeked up at the night sky through his curtains, hand brushing the soft material aside as he looked up at the inky canopy and prayed for snow. He didn't understand why he liked the snow so much. He just did. It was like there was something inside of him that said, snow, now that's flying. He couldn't wait to dance in the white, flakes scurrying after him in an attempt to keep in tempo to his laughter, tongue catching the ice.

With a hopeful clap of his hands and a begging smile, Rei turned away and collapsed onto his bed, the mattress pushing back for a moment before common ground was found between the two forces. Peeling off his damp socks, Rei threw them to land roughly where his clothes hamper was with a half hearted gesture. As usual, a dual haired, red eyed secret swirled into his mind, consciousness slipping away as he picked out random questions burrowed in his mind to see if he could solve any. He always came up empty handed but it was fun nonetheless. Rei harboured his own blackened secret closely, his thoughts of kisses and an eternity to be together. His own sparked wonders, moments of where he would close his eyes and think what it would feel like to be in the same bed, twisting and moving and warmth and sounds and—

Rei opened his eyes and cast a weary eye at the door. For some reason, just thinking about such things with Kai less than twenty feet away unnerved him. The elder already having made his opinion on love clear. Rei curled up on his bed, an old gesture from the days his mother would be there to tuck him into bed. Trust him to give his heart to someone who wouldn't even look at it let alone give another back.

Helpless. Falling in love with someone who didn't know how to love back. Just the sin of a hot, wet kiss would be enough for Rei to fold away into his soul forever. The pretty male only letting himself entertain the idea of being with someone…that someone being Kai, when he was alone and had a blanket to hide under and a pillow to place over his face when he realised none of it would come true. Two small pieces. People always say their hearts get broken into one thousand pieces. It was different for Rei, there were only two pieces. One for himself and one for Kai. And only when those two pieces were brought together could his heart be fixed.

Only when they were together.

"Ahh!" Rei muttered, shaking his head firmly "Don't let your imagination run away with you."

His smile was weak in that moment, whispering to himself about how silly the relationship would be anyway. It wouldn't even be a relationship. A relationship was feeding each other cotton candy and hogging the blankets in bed but the other not minding too much because you looked awfully cute all snuggled up. A relationship was something you could fall back on, fling yourself into the arms of and bury your face into the crook of a neck. It was shared smiles and blunt fingernails pressing into your back.

He'd never have that with Kai, he knew that much.

Yet still, fairytale's never hurt anyone. And Rei spent the rest of the night pretending that by thinking of it as a fairytale that everything would work out in the end. The endings were always happy and ever after, weren't they?

But, what happens after The End?

…

Do you really want to know that?

XOXOXO

"I wonder what it feels like to be a blade of grass…"

The elder glanced, slightly bemused, at the boy and shook his head. The boy pouted at him and edged closer, resting his chin on the seated man's shoulder.

"I mean that grass always comes back, really, doesn't it? It doesn't need anything more than soil, nutrients, sunlight and water! It could go on forever with no one to break its heart. I bet a lot of people die because of that, huh? When winter comes, the snow hides the grass away, but it's still there. Maybe the grass is like love? Hmm…I think I'm like grass!"

The boy nodded to himself and combed his locks with his hand for a moment, allowing the elder to speak up if he felt the desire to. He didn't. The boy smiled and rolled his eyes. He'll never change, he thought, I'm alright with that.

"Hey, we'll be for always! Right?" The boy laughed, sunlight beaming down and kissing new-born shoots of green upon the ground.

The man glanced at him, and if the boy had looked up instead of giving his attention to a fluttering butterfly, he would have seen the answer.

"Hey…" The boy murmured, when the sun was beginning to get hidden by clouds, "I think you're like the snow. But you're not winter. You're spring."

Spring.

New blades of grass.

XOXOXO

Kai groaned as his eyelids opened, greeted by the sight of the darkened ceiling. With a sidelong glance, he read the scarlet numbers off the clock. 3:13 AM.

Just great.

With a frustrated sigh, Kai sat up and turned the bedside lamp on, staring at the sheets before him for a while to get rid of the dizzy afterbirth of waking.

That dream again.

Dream. Nightmare. Same thing really.

Oh well, it's your fault. You shouldn't have done what you did. You should have been good.

Hopeless.

Another puzzle. He won't figure this one out though will he? This is your dirty secret, yours alone. If he does figure it out; run. Run as far away as you can, run and don't look back, run to hell, run to death just don't look back. Evil.

Kai moved to stand up but stopped, a frown settling upon his lips and marring his features, twisting them into something that thought too much for its own good.

3:13 AM.

313

31

You shouldn't have done it. You should have been good.

XOXOXO

When he was younger, Rei liked to spin around and around with his arms flung out to the sides as he twirled in a circle, painting shadows on the ground and laughing out a story to the sky. He liked getting dizzy. He liked it because in that one moment when you knew you were falling, but there wasn't any ground, it felt like flying. Rei wanted to enjoy life, he wanted to dance between worlds and take a tentative sip before moving on. He liked swirling in, hair wild and eyes glittering. He liked that.

He'd never had to worry about anyone else before, not really. Sure there were times he'd lay in bed and whisper in a child's voice for his mother to be alright, to keep on laughing, to not die. He worried then. But this worry was different. Even when his mother was ill he knew she'd go on one of his journey's to nowhere with him, his worry wasn't that she wouldn't come with him but if she could make it. Now there was someone who would watch him swirl around and get dizzy and would turn away to find a shadow to crawl into. Rei had never encountered that before. No one liked to stay in the shadows. Did they?

If the sun's too bright find a shadow to protect you.

Was that Kai? Was Kai hiding because everything shone just a little too brightly and hurt his eyes? What was he?

What is he?

Sometimes Rei would stop and catch his breath, chest heaving from the effort of pulling Kai into that dance, but it was worth it just to see his eyes a lighter shade of red. They weren't rusty blood anymore, they were something so close to emotion that it made Rei want to reach out and fall about and laugh, throw his hands up in the air and shout nonsense words just because it felt right.

People always told Rei falling was bad. It hurt. Rei found his first moment of pure life in that split second before landing on the ground from being too dizzy. He didn't understand. How was this bad? How was not being afraid a sin? It was wonderful! It was what being in love must be like; it must be what holding your child in your arms must feel like; it must be what dying with someone holding your hand must feel like.

There were times he forgot that.

Times when he'd press his face into a pillow, mattress suffocating his closed eyes, hands bridesmaiden by sheets crumpled in his grip and he'd think he was fading. He repeatedly spun around and around too dizzy to part colours. He'd often wake up, eyesight blurred, head aching only to find everything like it was and rain beating upon his window. He'd hold his hand in front of his face and concentrate on it. If he concentrated on one thing, he wouldn't get dizzy. With Kai, he found himself dizzy a lot, the lights and words and screams and sleeping made him dizzy. He stumbled and flung his hands out before hitting the cold harsh ground. Someone fell beside him but only when he dreamt.

Concentrate on me and you won't get dizzy. A whisper his own imagination would promise him.

He got pulled to his feet, and now instead of colors mingling together, the world faded apart from one being. The world turned to black and grey. The world pulled from under him. He breathed (breathe breathe just breathe). And he became a different sort of dizzy.

When he fell this time, no one else would fall with him.

Then he knew why falling was bad.

How many more people would die for love?

XOXOXO

Rei dropped his head onto the kitchen table, raising it back up with a tired, exasperated look "I need to know what's with Tsubasa."

Thump.

"Tsubasa."

Thump.

"Tsunasa…I mean, Tsubasa…Tsubasa…"

Thump.

This was getting him nowhere. Figuring that banging his head only resulted in more confusion and a worse headache, Rei held his head in his hands and stared at the clean tiles in front of him. Closing his eyes he concentrated on everything he'd every heard about Tsubasa. Whoever he was.

Ok, so…there were about 34 celebrities with that name. He highly doubted it meant any of those though.

There were about a gazillion mangas with Tsubasa in the title, and animes for that matter. Rei scrunched up his nose, no, wasn't any of those. Damn.

"Are you lost? Where's your mother?"

He frowned seeing no one, just the stone angel, but she remained pointing at it.

"-Getting tattoos just to appear more-"

"Something wrong? Is the angel bothering you?" He joked, it was a weak joke and he knew it.

He did know one thing though, and that was whenever he thought of those wings, so real it looked like they might take flight

"Have you ever seen a spider making a web?"

Rei moved his hand down, across Kai's shoulder blade and down his spine, where those cursed wings were.

Rei sat up, eyes wide, mouth dropping, nails digging into his hands.

Tsubasa…means wings. Kai's tattoos.

Rei leant back in his seat, mind surprisingly blank. With a start, he flung himself from his chair and turned the lights on quickly, sliding against the wall, cold sweat gathering on his brow.

Kai's lips curled just the faintest, into some sort of bitter smirk "It's possible to die of guilt."

Insanewelshangel: Well, I don't know what to say now. Would it sound weird if I said I'd feel greedy and silly for asking you to review? XD; Well, I'm asking anyway.

And ugh. This would have been up sooner if it wasn't for ffnet throwing a hissy fit at me. YEAH. THANKS FOR THAT. D:

Thank you, my dears ♥ if…any of you are there, that is D: