Love and Pain lie close together
After hours of thinking their new situation through, Logan had finally fallen asleep somewhere around 5 a.m. in the morning. He had a rather restless sleep on the sofa in the living room and was awoken by a strange noise he picked up subconsciously. Drowsily he opened his eyes a bit, feeling light headed due to his lack of sleep and sat up when he heard the noise again. It didn't take him long to figure out the source. Getting up he made his way to the bedroom where he ran into Jean, who just left the bathroom and looked pale. "You alright?" he asked concerned and watched how she laid back down, holding her belly and pulling her legs close.
"What do you care?" she asked through clenched teeth and closed her eyes, trying to ignore the upcoming sickness again.
Hearing nothing at all from him for a while, Jean looked up in surprise when he sat down next to her and handed her a cup with tea. "Here, drink this," Logan said calmly and looked down on her but she shook her head.
"I won't keep it in…," she mumbled still with her eyes closed. "And stop being so nice again. I'm not buying it!"
Putting the cup onto the bedside table he rolled his eyes. "Do ya think I don't care?!" he asked gruffly and with a glare.
"You made your opinion very much clear, Logan!" she gave back harshly and looked briefly at him. "And if you don't mind, I'm not feeling well and want to be left alone!"
"God, Jean! Would ya stop goin' all bitchy on me?!" Logan hissed and had his eyes narrowed. "I never said I'd throw ya out or leave ya! I only want ya to use your rational way of thinkin' and tell me how ya wanna live this life with a kid!" Saying it he held her gaze. "I spent the whole night tryin' to find a way, Jean, and I can't find one, so tell me! If there was a way for us to leave this country, don't ya think I'd have taken ya elsewhere?! If ya know a way, tell me and we pack our stuff and leave…" Looking at her while he waited for an answer, Logan knew when she began to bite her lower lip that she had none. Kneeling down on the ground to be on eye level with her, he took her hand and pulled with the other strands out of her still pale face. "Look, I know ya wanna have this kid and even if I said I don't wanna have children, I could never hate it and would care for it. But we also have to think about what's best for the kid…," he went on, pulled his legs close, his arms were resting on his knees and rested against the bedside table, staring at his hands. "What I mean is a kid needs more than just two parents who love it and a roof over its head," Logan added calmly and turned his head to look at her. "And with our current way of livin' we can't give it more. And I know that you're aware of it, otherwise ya wouldn't react that way…" He reached out to wipe her tears away. "Jeannie, think about what they want to do with ya, with me probably now, too. What do ya think will they do with a kid who's probably a level 5 telepath with a healing factor?"
"There's no proof that they're still looking for us…," Jean mumbled between her sniffs.
"I know… But we don't know for sure. And as long as we don't know, we're not safe!" he replied. "Don't ya think I'd rather live in a house with ya somewhere else and have a normal life?" Seeing how tired she looked he got up. "I only want ya to think about everythin' very carefully, Jean. And I mean think really everythin' through," Logan said and tucked her in again. "Ya know that I'm on your side, no matter what! But I don't want to see ya sufferin' later if things turn out ugly and I'm not sayin' now that they will. Just think everythin' through and if ya know a way then tell me and we do it." Stroking over her wet cheek while she swallowed had, he briefly paused. "Try to sleep a bit more and drink the tea." Turning around he left the room and closed the door quietly behind him.
After waiting for hours for her to come out of the room, Logan finally went inside to bring her food and a bottle of water, but Jean was asleep. He sat next to her for some time before he left her alone again to spend the night on the sofa, where he kept on searching for a solution again. But every time he though he'd found a way out of it, he ended in a dead end. Nevertheless, he wanted to find a solution so desperately… After laying awake all night, Logan finally got up very early to make breakfast as he heard the bedroom door being opened and turned around to see an even paler Jean leaning against the wall. About to ask her something, she raised her voice. "Can we go down to the village? I need to see the doctor," she said in a weak voice and made him come closer a bit, clearly worried.
"Are ya in pain?!"
She shook her head and wrapped both arms around her. "No…"
"What's wrong then?" Logan demanded to know and tried to look into her eyes but she kept them fixed on the floor.
"I thought about everything again," she answered and felt that he wanted to intervene, but stopped him with another shake of her head. "I made a decision, Logan, and I'll do it!" Jean said determined and he looked down. "I know you're right… I know that I've been naïve to think we can keep it…," she went on calmly and bit her lower lip hard to stop herself from crying again. She'd already done too much of it at night. "I've looked for a way out, but I can't fine one either. And I know that if I gave birth I could never give the baby away… It would kill me to know that some strangers raise it… I can't do that. So it's better to stop it before I get too used to it and it becomes even more painful…" Biting her lip even harder, she heaved a deep breath.
"Ya sure?" he asked calmly and furrowed his brows, since she sounded like everything but absolutely not convinced.
"From the way you look I can tell that you haven't slept at night either. And I think you thought about the same, right?" He nodded. "And I think you came up with the same solution, namely nothing," she concluded. "This is the only way…" Letting the news sink in, Logan made a step forward but she backed off. "No…," Jean swallowed with tears in her eyes. "If you touch me now, I'll break down, so don't do it. Let's just get dressed and get it over with. The sooner the better."
Watching her leave, he was at a complete loss of his words. It didn't take long and she came back fully dresses, packing some of her and his clothes into one backpack and making it clear that she wanted him to get ready and not waste any more time. Afterwards, they descended the mountain in silence, he carrying the backpack, and rented a room for one night in their casual hotel. Wanting to accompany her, Jean made clear that she wanted to go alone and him to wait for her. Reluctantly doing it, Logan was now walking up and down the room for hours, like a caged tiger and kept on staring at the wall clock, waiting for her to come back. While he did so, he couldn't help but feeling terrible.
Part of him told him it was the only way, that they were incapable of raising a child with not enough money in a cabin far away from any other civil life, while the US government was probably looking for them. The other part again, kept on thinking about what a life with a child would be. Of course he'd always told himself that it was something he never wanted to have, but now he had his doubts. Now he had a woman who meant the world to him in his life, one who made him wish for a normal life. At least that was what he'd told her the day before. And a normal life included a child, didn't it? He'd said he wanted to live in a house with her and a house was too big for two people alone, wasn't it? Pausing with a groan, Logan ran both hand through his face and hair and stared at the clock again. What made him think that there wasn't a solution? Maybe he hadn't tried hard enough to find one. But he had through about everything, hadn't he? Maybe the only reason he never wanted a child was that he was afraid to be a bad father? If he was one, then he wanted to be able to offer his child a better and happier life than he had. The last thing he wanted was that his offspring had to go through the same hell than he had… His personal honor wouldn't let him. But wasn't his personal honor failing him just now, since he accepted the easiest way to escape from his irresponsibility? It was mainly his fault, he could have prevented it from happening and he never had and now it was the woman he loved more than anything else who had to suffer…
Turning away from the clock he sat down on the bed while his heart was still racing in his chest. He noticed the papers she'd left in the bedside table and took them into his hands to look at the scan he'd never seen before. Logan had to admit it looked like snow on television, meaning, he couldn't see a thing, but he knew it was there. His first child, his baby… Touching the spot where the small X was marking it, his eyes looked at the clock again. She was already gone for nearly two hours… Putting the picture away, Logan got up to grab his leather jacket from a stool and put it on. He didn't care if he had to get his hands dirty, he would make sure that his child had a normal and happy life. He only hoped that it wasn't too late… He'd never forgive himself if it was… Heading towards the door, he opened it in a rush, just to find her standing in front of it with a tear strained face and still crying. Feeling how fear began to spread in his chest, Logan couldn't help but stare at her as she wrapped her arms around his waist and began to cry into his chest heartrendingly… And he knew it was too late…
I know it's very short but I came up with it yesterday after reading Hemingway over Hemingway over Hemingway for my exams. Don't ask me why. LOL But after hours reading became too depressing. ; ) Anyway the next chapter is already planned. The scenes at least, I only have to write it. You know I'm evil and you know I love mean cliffies, but…well, those who read Changes should know me a bit better. LOL Thanks for the reviews. Let me know what you think and what you believe happens next. ; )