Anyone got that Friday feeling? :D

Long chapter – and one of the most important ones if you know what I mean…it you don't…we'll you'll see ;)

I'm dead nervous about posting this one. Hope you guys think I did alright - The words didn't come as easy to me :/

Anyway, enough talking! Enjoy it :)

Chapter 22

I thought it would be a good idea to keep Rose up the front of the car with me. She was silent for the entire car ride, lost in her own thoughts.

I drove to the nearest coast, which wasn't far away. At the most desolate place, Sonya and I quickly disposed of the body and returned to Jill and Rose in the car.

After telling Rose it was 'taken care of', I continued to drive. She didn't ask questions.

Sonya and I talked about what the best way to get Jill to Court was. Rose and I couldn't bring her, for obvious reasons so we decided the best idea was for Sonya to escort her there.

"Can I call my parents?" Jill asked us during the car ride. "They'll be worried."

I understood that she wanted her parents to know she was safe, but it was still a big risk. Calling someone – anyone – would increase our chances of being tracked. After expressing this to her, Sonya promised her that she would try and get in touch with Emily through a spirit dream and Jill let the subject drop.

I glanced at Rose. She was staring into space, her face blank. It wasn't the kind of blank look she got when she was seeing through Lissa's eyes; it was the kind of look that told me that she was immersed in overwhelming feelings. It shifted after a while though and I left her alone, giving her some time to escape her feelings by checking in with her best friend.

"Is she okay?" I asked Sonya quietly.

"I dunno Dimitri. Her aura is black…blacker than it usually is. The spirit was just too much." She answered sadly.

I sighed loudly, and then glanced back at Rose. She was pale, and dark rings had appeared under her eyes. I hate that this has happened to her. It was the very last thing she deserved.

"Maybe we should stop somewhere for the night." I suggested.

"Getting some rest sounds good to me," Sonya commented. Jill nodded in agreement.

I followed signs for the nearest hotel and pulled into the parking lot. Once I had switched off the engine, Rose came back to us.

"What's going on?" she asked, looking around outside the window.

"We're stopping," I told her. "You need to rest."

"No I don't," she said immediately. "We need to keep going to Court. We need to get Jill there in time for the elections."

I knew what she was doing. If I knew anything about Rose, it was that she didn't like being looked after. I gave her a look, letting her know that I knew exactly what she was doing. "You were just with Lissa. Are the elections actually happening yet?"

"No," she admitted reluctantly after a moment's hesitation.

"Then you're getting some rest." I said.

"I'm fine," she snapped at me, her attitude raising its head.

I chose to ignore her as she grumbled on the way into the hotel.

Since we had lost Sydney, we had lost our credit cards and we definitely didn't have enough cash to pay for the rooms, so we resorted to Sonya compelling the desk clerk. Within ten minutes, we had two adjoining rooms.

"Let me talk to her alone," I murmured quietly to Sonya on the way up to the room. "I can handle it."

"Be careful," she warned me just as quietly. "She's fragile."

"You guys, I'm right here!" Rose suddenly exclaimed. I hadn't realised she could hear us, let alone that she was listening.

As we reached the two room doors, Sonya linked arms with Jill and lead her into one of the rooms. "Come on, let's order room service." She said as they walked through the door.

I opened the other door without a word and held it open for Rose. She sighed and walked into the room. I followed her in and she sat on the bed. "Can we order room service?" she asked me.

I knew she was trying to avoid talking about herself, and I wasn't going to fall for it.

I pulled up the nearest chair and sat in front of her. "We need to talk about what happened with Victor."

"There's nothing to talk about," she answered. "I really am the murderer everyone says I am. It doesn't matter that it was Victor. I killed him in cold blood."

"That was hardly cold blood." I told her.

"The hell it wasn't!" she cried suddenly, tears filling her eyes. "The plan was to subdue him and Robert so we could free Jill. Subdue. Victor wasn't a threat to me. He was an old man, for God's sake."

"He seemed like a threat," I commented quietly. "He was using his magic against you."

She shook her head and dropped it into her hands. "It wasn't going to kill me. He probably couldn't have even kept it up much longer. I could have waited it out or escaped. Hell, I did escape! But instead of capturing him, I slammed him against a concrete wall! He was no match for me. An old man. I killed an old man. Yeah, maybe he was a scheming, corrupt old man, but I didn't want him dead. I wanted him locked up again. I wanted him to spend the rest of his life in prison, living with his crimes. Living, Dimitri."

"Sonya said it wasn't your fault. She said it was a backlash of spirit." I tried to convince her.

"It was…" she said vaguely. "I never really understood what Lissa experienced in her worst moments until then. I just looked at Victor…and I saw everything evil in the world – an evil I had to stop. He was bad, but he didn't deserve that. He never stood a chance."

"You aren't listening, Rose." I said to her. "It wasn't your fault. Spirit's a powerful magic we barely understand. And its dark edge…well, we know its capable of terrible things. Things that can't be controlled."

She raised her head slowly.

"I should have been stronger than it." She said quietly.

So that was it. That was what upset her so much.

"I should have been stronger than it. I was weak."

I was at a loss of words. What was I supposed to say to that? Yes, Rose, you had a moment of weakness? Of course she did, she wasn't a superhero, she couldn't control everything that happened in her life.

"You aren't invincible." I said to her at last. "No one expects you to be."

"I do," she exclaimed. "What I did…what I did was unforgivable."

Shock coursed through me. Did she really blame herself for something she had no control of? I had never heard her go into so much detail about the darkness that she battled with every day.

"That…that's crazy, Rose. You can't punish yourself for something you had no power over." I told her.

"Yeah?" she replied. "Then why are you still –"

She stopped talking as realisation of something coursed through her.

"When?" she asked eventually. "When did it change? When did you realise you could keep living – even after all that guilt?"

I realised she was right. I had come a long way since sitting in that lone cell, confined and separate from the world. I finally felt like everything might just be okay.

"I'm not quite sure," I answered her truthfully. I thought back over the last couple of weeks in particular, searching for one moment that stood out greater than any other. It didn't exist. "In bits, really. When Lissa and Abe first came to me about breaking you out, I was ready to do it because she asked me to. Then, the more I thought about it, the more I realised it was personal too. I couldn't stand the thought of you locked in a cell, being cut off from the world. It wasn't right. No one should live like that, and it occurred to me that I was doing the same – by choice. I was cutting myself off from the world with guilt and self-punishment. I had a second chance to live, and I was throwing it away."

Her gaze never lingered from my face, her eyes transfixed.

"You heard me talk about this before," I continued, glad to have her attention. "About my goal to appreciate life's little details. And the more we continued on our journey, the more I remembered who I was. Not just a fighter. Fighting is easy. It's why we fight that matters, and in the alley that night with Donovan…" I shuddered involuntarily at the memory. "That was the moment I could have crossed over into someone who fights just to senselessly kill – but you pulled me back, Rose. That was the turning point. You saved me…just as Lissa saved me with the skate. I knew then that in order to leave the Strigoi part of me behind, I had to fight through to be what they aren't. I had to embrace what they reject; beauty, love, honour."

"Then you should understand," she said after a moment. "You just said it; honour. It matters. We both know it does. I've lost mine. I lost it out there in the parking lot when I killed an innocent."

"And I've killed hundreds," I retorted bluntly. "People much more innocent that Victor." I hated to say it out loud, but it was true…and admitting it was one step closer to recovery.

"It's not the same! You couldn't help it!" She exploded. "Why are we repeating the same things over and over?"

"Because they aren't sinking in!" I exclaimed back. "You couldn't help it either. Feel guilty. Mourn this. But move on. Don't let it destroy you. Forgive yourself."

Suddenly, she leapt up, making me jump in surprise. She leaned down so her face was inches from my own, her lips inches from mine.

"Forgive myself? That's what you want? You of all people?" she shouted.

Her words didn't even register with my mind. I was too pre-occupied with her proximity. I nodded in reply to whatever she had said.

"Then tell me this," she continued. "You say you moved past the guilt, decided to revel in life and all that. I get it. But have you, in your heart, really forgiven yourself? I told you a long time ago that I forgave you for everything in Siberia, but what about you? Have you done it?"

"I just said –" I started.

"No." she said. "It's not the same. You're telling me to forgive myself and move on. But you won't do it yourself. You're a hypocrite, comrade. We're either both guilty or both innocent. Pick."

I was starting to get frustrated now. They were totally different situations.

I stood up to my full height.

"It's not that simple." I told her.

She crossed her arms over her chest. "It is that simple," she retorted. "We're the same! Even Sonya says we are. We've always been the same, and we're both acting the same stupid way now. We hold ourselves to a higher standard than everyone else."

I was about to retort when her words completely registered with me.

"I – Sonya? What does she have to do with any of this?"

"She said our auras match," she explained, sounding tired. "She said we light up around each other. She says it means you still love me and that we're in sync, and…" she sighed loudly and took a few steps in the other direction. "I don't know. I shouldn't have mentioned it. We shouldn't buy into this aura stuff when it comes from magic users who are already half-insane."

So Sonya knew how I felt, and Rose didn't believe her.

"If I let this stop me," Rose said quietly, leaning her forehead against the window glass. "If I do nothing…then that's the greater evil. I'll do more good by surviving. By continuing to fight and protect others."

"What are you saying?" I asked her.

"I'm saying…I forgive myself. That doesn't make everything perfect, but it's a start." She said, absentmindedly trailing her finger along the glass. "Who knows? Maybe that outburst in the parking lot let out some of the darkness Sonya says is in my aura. Sceptic that I am, I have to give her some points. She was right that I was at breaking point, that all I needed was a spark."

There was a long pause.

Why I felt it was important that she at least knew how I felt about her, I don't know. But it was.

"She was right about something else too," I told her.

"What's that?" she asked, turning to face me. The light from the window shining around her form.

"That I do still love you."

She just stared at me in shock, obviously lost for words.

"Since…since when?" she asked, sounding genuinely shocked to her core.

"Since…forever." I answered brilliantly. "I denied it when I was restored. I had no room for anything in my heart except guilt. I especially felt guilty about you—what Iʹd done—and I pushed you away. I put up a wall to keep you safe. It worked for a while—until my heart finally started accepting other emotions. And it all came back. Everything I felt for you. It had never left; it was just hidden from me until I was ready. And again . . . that alley was the turning point. I looked at you . . . saw your goodness, your hope, and your faith. Those are what make you beautiful. So, so beautiful.ʺ

"So it wasn't my hair," she said, jokingly. She always joked when she wasn't sure how to respond.

"No," I answered her anyway. "Your hair was beautiful too. All of you. You were amazing when we first met, and somehow, inexplicably, you've come even farther. You've always been pure, raw energy, and now you control it. You're the most amazing woman I've ever met, and I'm glad to have had that love for you in my life. I regret losing it." Letting her go was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. "I would give anything – anything – in the world to go back and change history. To run into your arms after Lissa brought me back. To have a life with you. It's too late, of course, but I've accepted it."

There was a selfish part inside me. One that didn't care about Adrian, or honour. One that just wanted to be with Rose, not having to consider any other factors.

"Why…why is it too late?" she asked me quietly.

"Because of Adrian," I answered. I would always regret not taking her into my arms when I was changed back for the rest of my life. "Because you've moved on. No, listen," I said when I saw she was about to interrupt me. "You were right to do that after how I treated you. And more than anything else, I want you to be happy once we clear your name and get Jill recognised. You said yourself that Adrian makes you happy. You said you love him." That selfish part of me begged her to deny it.

"But…you just said you love me," she said, as though wrapping her own head around it. "That you want to be with me."

"And I told you: I'm not going to pursue another man's girlfriend. You want to talk honour? There it is in its purest form."

She walked towards me until she was right in front of me. She raised her hands and rested them on my chest. My own hands, as a reflex, gripped her wrists; half of me telling myself to push her away, the other half, to hold her tight.

As I looked into her beautiful brown eyes, and down at her full, plump lips, all I wanted to do was kiss her and just be with her forever. I fought against my feelings. Hard.

"You should have told me," she said. "You should have told me this a long time ago."

She kept talking without pausing.

"I love you."

My world froze when she spoke those three words.

"I've never stopped loving you. You have to know that."

I tried to remember to breathe.

"It wouldn't have made any difference," I told her, at the same time trying to convince myself. "Not with Adrian involved. I mean it. I won't be that guy, Rose. I won't be that man who takes someone else's woman. Now, please. Let go. Don't make this any more difficult."

My will power was wavering. There was no way it would stay intact if I didn't get away from her soon.

Instead of backing away, she got closer, pushing her body close to mine and spreading her fingers out on my chest. She was so close now that I could smell the scent of shampoo wafting from her hair.

"I don't belong to him," she said in a low voice. "I don't belong to anyone. I make my own choices."

"And you're with Adrian."

"But I was meant for you."

And with that, my argument, along with my will power and self-control crumbled away.

I leaned down to meet her lips at the same time she was reaching up. I held her smaller frame tight to my body and moved our bodies towards the bed. The back of her knees hit the side of the bed and, as one, we fell back onto the surface.
I trailed my hands along her body. It had been way too long since I had been with her like this. I had missed the feel of her smooth, soft skin against mine more than I could have imagined. I didn't just want her; I needed her.

What we did then, was so full of love. So full of the love and feelings we had felt for each other before, and had never stopped feeling.

This was what I needed.

I felt at peace.

When we'd finished, I held her close to my body still, never wanting to let her go. She seemed to feel the same as her arms held me as tightly as I was holding her.

"I'm glad you gave in," she said, a little breathlessly. "I'm glad your self-control isn't as strong as mine."

I burst out laughing.

"Roza, my self-control is ten times stronger than yours."

She lifted her head from my chest and moved her hand up to my face, where she swept some hair out of my face; her gorgeous fingers sending tingles through me. "Oh yeah? That's not the impression I just got."

"Wait until next time," I warned her. "I'll do things that'll make you lose control within seconds."

I saw the humour mixed with desire in her eyes after I said this.

That's why shock coursed through me when she next spoke.

"There may not be a next time."

"What? Why?"

"We have a couple of things to do before this happens again." She explained.

"Adrian." I guessed, knowing that he was definitely one of those 'things' to deal with.

She nodded. "And that's my problem, so put your honour-able thoughts aside. I have to face him and answer for this. I will. And you…you still have to forgive yourself if we're going to be together."

I felt remorse return inside me. I didn't even know how to begin to do such a thing.

"Rose –" she cut me off, staring into my eyes unflinchingly, letting me now that she was absolutely serious.

"I'm serious. You have to forgive yourself. For real. Everyone else has. If you can't, then you can't go on either. We can't."

It was then that I realised just how much she had grown in the last couple of months.

She really was the most amazing woman I had ever met.

"I don't know, I don't know if I can…it I'm ready." I told her truthfully.

"Decide soon then," she replied. "You don't have to right this second, but eventually…"

For a moment I thought she was going to get up and leave, but I relaxed when she laid her head back down on my chest.

After a while of lying there in silence, I realised Rose had drifted off to sleep. I decided it wouldn't be a bad idea to get some rest as well.

After all, we had a long day ahead of us.