Terry Webster shook his head slowly, as he watched the latest group of recruits run through the simulation. He let a long, slow sigh.
"Rookies." A voice near him said with disdain.
"You're here! Just in time." Terry said reaching out and hugging Mike Danko. "Wanna help me shoot some boys who think they know everything?"
"Oh, it'd be my pleasure." Mike said with a grin. Laughing Terry handed him a paint gun, and led him down a hallway to where the simulation was still running. They burst in through a side door, and plastered the four rookies who stood with their backs to the door with bright green paint. Stunned, the young men turned around to face their instructor as Terry hit the light switch.
"Congratulations boys, you are all dead." He said with a grin. "You are the saddest group of recruits that I have ever had the misfortune of training. Can anyone explain what just happened?"
They stood silent, heads down in corporate shame.
"You wanna tell 'em?" Terry asked Mike.
"I guess. Shouldn't they have figured it out by now? It's kind of obvious."
"You'd think, but I remember this one time when you . . ."
"I'll tell 'em." Mike said cutting him off. "Never, ever turn your back to a closed door. What if two fellas with guns are on the other side? You might just get shot. And all four of you are standing in one spot? Didn't he teach you anything?" He turned to Terry. "Is it their first day? I could understand it if it was their first day."
"Fifth week." Terry said with a weary sigh.
"Man! Really? They need to seriously take a look at that tactical guide." He looked around at them. "Seriously, you got wives or girlfriends? Do them a favor: Study hard. Don't sleep. Don't eat. Study. They don't want you dead."
"Go back to the beginning. We'll reset. You got ten minutes to figure out what you need to do differently. And I do NOT appreciate you behaving like a bunch of idiots in front of my friend. But don't worry, you'll make it up to me later." Terry said shaking his head. "Go on! Get out!"
They watched them go, and then Terry led Mike back to the control room, and turning to another man said, "Alright, Pete. They are all yours. Good luck. And make them do an extra run through PT tonight. Hopefully, they'll start listening."
"They haven't listened yet, but we'll give it a go." Pete said with a laugh.
"Come on." Terry said and led Mike down a hall to his office.
"Want something to drink?" He asked settling into a chair.
"Nah, man. I got a message you wanted to see me. Something going on?" He asked.
"You tell me. Jill called me." Terry looked up at Mike who froze at his words and then ran a hand over his face before sinking into a chair.
"What'd she say?" Mike asked cautiously.
"That I should check in with you." Terry said watching Mike carefully. "She sounded pretty worried."
Mike shook his head. "Worried. She makes me crazy. Everything going on and she's worried about me. She won't even talk about . . ." He let out a long slow sigh. "She's so stubborn! I told her . . ." He sputtered. He put his head down, studying the square of carpet under his feet. He found himself fighting tears.
"Hey, Mike." Terry said, his voice laced with concern. "Man, what is it? You aren't in trouble? You and Jill are solid, right?"
"Yeah," His voice was thick. "We're solid. I'm not in trouble." He looked up to meet Terry's eyes. "Jill is."
"What's going on?"
"About a three weeks ago, I was . . ." He hesitated trying to determine how to explain it. "We found a lump. She had a lump."
"What are you talking? What do you mean?"
"There was a lump in her breast." Mike said flatly, meeting Terry's eyes.
"Wha . . ." Terry's eyes grew wide. "What did the doctor say?"
Mike rose and crossed Terry's office, standing at the window, looking out at the new recruits running across the academy grounds.
"It feels like a hundred years ago, doesn't it? We thought we knew everything too. We thought we'd change the whole damn world."
He turned to look at Terry. "We were just like them; just as stupid - just as sure." He turned back to the window.
"Mike?" Terry rose and moved to stand beside him. "What about Jill?"
"She's too good for me. I knew it from the first date; from the first second I laid eyes on her, actually. She's so smart, and I don't know anyone who cares more than her. She's good at everything she does. And God, she's so damn beautiful! You ever seen anyone that beautiful in real life? She could be a movie star. I don't know why she said yes. I don't. I try hard, but she deserves more."
"She loves you." Terry said simply.
"I can't figure why. She worries all the time - all the time. But she doesn't complain and she's never asked me to quit. She'd be so happy if I did." He looked up at Terry. "You are ten times the husband I am. You took this job because then Beth wouldn't have to worry anymore. I couldn't do it. I couldn't give up what I loved; not even for her."
"She wouldn't want you to give it up. You know that. Mike? What's wrong?" Terry asked again.
"Do you miss it?" Mike asked turning to Terry.
"I don't know." Terry said with a sigh. "Somedays, I guess. But it got too hard. The world turned dark. I couldn't balance it. I didn't want to end up like Chris. I had to change something. The last case, with that little girl, it still tears me up. I couldn't turn it off. It wasn't only because of Beth. It was me, too." He looked at Mike. "What is it?"
"I should quit. Maybe she'd . . ." He ran a hand through his hair. "Remember when I got shot and they grabbed her? You remember that?"
"Yeah, man. I remember." Terry said slowly trying to follow Mike's train of thought.
"I woke up in that hospital bed, and I tried to get up, and go out. It took three orderlies and two doctor's to hold me down. They had me strapped down, until they got some valium in my system. I felt so helpless. I still dream about it sometimes; her screaming for me."
"We found her. She was alright."
"This is like that. I feel just as helpless." He said his eyes filling with tears. "I can't do anything to help her. She needs . . ." He choked down a sob. "And I don't know how to talk to the girls . . . I don't know how to say it." He looked up at Terry, who had stepped in front of him.
"Hey, man. You can tell me. What is it? What's wrong?" He asked his hands on Mike's shoulders.
"She has cancer." Mike said at last. "Breast cancer."
***R***
Mike Danko sat at the table waiting for Terry Webster in the nearly empty restaurant. When they were younger it was popular and busy place, but over time it had become run down. Mike lifted his glass draining his beer.
"You call Beth?" Mike said. "I should get home. It's getting late."
"I called her. It's fine." Terry said sitting across from Mike and handing him another beer. "She called Jill and told her you were with me, and that I'd make sure you got home alright."
"What did you tell Beth?" Mike asked.
"That you guys had a fight." Terry shrugged. "I wasn't sure you'd want me to . . ."
"No, it's okay. If Jill told you to call me, she expected me to talk. And there's no way she'd make you hold onto a secret like that - especially not from Beth."
"What do the doctor's say?" Terry asked.
"They talk about numbers and odds." He took a long swig of beer. "She's healthy. They caught it fairly early. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. I don't give a damn about numbers!" He set the beer bottle down hard. "She's not a number!"
"But that's good news, right?" Terry pointed out. "And she's strong, Mike. I've never met anyone stronger. Sixteen years married to you? Sixteen years of worrying? All the wives talk about it. She's the ideal that they all try to live up to, strong, supportive, devoted."
"Her mom died of cancer." Mike said. "When she was six."
"I didn't know that."
"Neither did we. She was too little, and by the time she was eighteen, she had only her sister. Amanda didn't know either. I tracked down old records and finally found a record that she received treatment on a cancer wing. And Jill's terrified. She's got that look on her face trying so hard to hide it, but I can see it there. You know what I mean?"
"I've seen it before." Terry said remembering.
"I don't know how to help her. I don't know how to help me."
"Mike, slow down. Give yourself a break, man." Terry leaned in. "It hasn't been a week! You don't have to do anything other than what you've always done; just love her, man. You taught me that."
"Yeah." Mike let out a slow, ragged breath. "Yeah."
"What's next for her?" Terry asked. "What do you need from us?"
"She starts treatment on Tuesday. They didn't want to wait. They are gonna go through two rounds of chemotherapy, and then run more tests. After that surgery, and then more treatment." He sighed. "We need to tell the girls this weekend. And Eddie. I don't know how he's gonna take it."
"Not well. She's had him wrapped around her little finger fr day one." Terry said. "Listen, Beth and I will take the kids for a couple of days. Give you guys some time. Let us do at least that."
"I don't know. She wants to keep things normal."
"She wants to run and hide. You know that, Mike. Beth will get the kids after school. Don't worry about anything. Don't even pack anything - oh, except Mr. Snuggles!"
Mike laughed thinking of Lizzie's stuffed bunny. "God help you, if she doesn't have Mr. Snuggles."
"Yeah. Beth will get them, and you just call us when you want them back, okay?"
"I like how you volunteer your wife to manage five kids while you go to work."
"Aww, your girls are easy." Terry said dismissively. "It's MJ, you gotta watch out for." He said thinking of his four year old son, who had a propensity for dangerous activities.
"That boy." Mike said and Terry nodded his head.
"Don't be critical, pal. He's already determined he's going to marry Lizzie. That boy is your future son-in-law."
"Don't start."
"Listen, man. We're family anyway you slice it." Terry said with a grin.
Mike reached across the table clamping his hand over Terry's arm. "I'm counting on it."
"I'll drive you home. Come on." Terry said patting Mike's hand.
They pulled up to the house, and Mike glanced at his watch 9:43. The girls were sound asleep, but at the sound of the car, the front door opened and they saw Jill silhouetted in the doorway. Mike turned to Terry.
"Thanks, brother." Mike said seriously.
"I'll walk you up." Terry said opening the door. "Or do you think she'd mind?"
"Why would she mind?" Mike asked. "She's still Jill, Terry. You know her."
"Yeah, that's right." Terry said.
They walked up the path together and stood before her.
"You went behind my back." Mike said facing her.
"Desperate times." She said with a grin and shrug. She glanced at Terry. "Don't look at me like that. I'm okay."
Terry said nothing, but simply leaned in and wrapped his arms around her, hugging her so tightly that he lifted her up off her feet.
"Ah, baby. I'm sorry. I'd do anything to change it." He said kissing her cheek.
"I know." She said softly. "Me too."
"I'll bet." He said with a laugh. He released her but kept his hands on her shoulders. "Thanks for calling me; for trusting me."
"He needs you." She said softly. "He can't tell me everything."
"Yeah, he can. You're the heart in his chest. You know that." Terry told her. "I'll stand with him; with you both. Anything you need is yours."
"I know." She hugged him again. "Thank you."
"I love you, Jill."
"I love you, too." She said with a shy grin. "Go on home, and kiss your wife."
"Yeah." He agreed. He leaned down and kissed her cheek. He turned to Mike. "You call me. Any time at all. I don't give a damn what time it is. You call me."
"Yeah." Mike nodded his head, unable to speak more.
Terry reached out and squeezed Mike's neck. "We love you both." He said seriously, and then turned and climbed back in his car. They stood where they were watching him drive away. As he turned the corner and disappeared Mike turned back to her and said again, "You went behind my back."
"I did." She agreed and turned and went inside the house. He followed her in, and locked the door behind him.
"What did you tell the girls?" He asked following her back to their bedroom.
"You had to work late." She said quietly, sitting on the bench at the end of their bed.
"How's Kate?"
"Oh, she's on to us." Jill said with a sigh. She ran a hand over her face, "and Eddie called twice looking for you.
He sat beside her. "I can't imagine all the things you're feeling. I can't imagine what you are thinking."
"I'm glad because mostly I'm thinking of curse words." She said with a laugh.
"I'll bet." He said reaching for her hand. He lifted it to his lips kissing it.
"You know what I'm feeling; what I'm thinking." She said softly. "You know me."
"We've got to talk about it." He turned to look at her. "We have to decide."
"Not today. Not this second." She said. "You need sleep. You're job is dangerous enough if you aren't sleep deprived."
"I'm not going to work tomorrow. I'm not going to work next week. Babe, I don't care about any of it."
"Mike, you can't just . . ."
"I can too. I've got piles and piles of days banked. You know that. I'm not going to work. And that's not what I meant. I was talking about the surgery. It won't change anything." He told her.
"It's not like they were big to begin with." She let out a slow sigh. "How are we supposed to know what to do? I'm not an oncologist!"
"I don't want to take any chances." He said looking at her. "I'd rather be aggressive."
"I know." She said softly.
"But it's your body, Baby. I can't choose for you. But it won't make a difference." He turned so he was facing her. She was looking down, her brown hair falling in front of her face. Over the years she'd cut it shorter, but lately, she'd been letting it grow again. It fell past her shoulders and was as silky and beautiful as ever. He pushed it back from her face and lifted her chin so that she met his eyes. "I love you Jill, you. I don't give a damn about your breasts. I only . . ." His voice failed him and he looked down.
"I know that. Mike, I do. I just . . . I'm so afraid." Her voice was soft. "Everything is going to change; my body. Everything."
"Not this." He said taking her hand and laying it on his chest. "This won't change. No surgeon's knife can cut that deep." He looked her straight in the eye, letting his tears fall, unashamed. "I don't know why; I don't know how, I got so lucky. I didn't deserve it. I've never deserved you. You are so sweet, and such a good mother. And even in this," He shook his head. "You called Terry. You were thinking of me. What about you Baby? Huh? Who do I call to help you?"
"You." She said softly. "That's all I ever need. You."
He pulled her close into his arms. "I can't manage a life without you, Babe. I can't. I can't raise those girls alone. I can't . . .Baby, I can't breathe without you."
She cried in his arms, and eventually they'd crawled into bed. He'd wrapped his arms around her keeping her close. He lay awake listening to the sound of her breathing, feeling the familiar curve of her body as she fit perfectly against him. He'd wanted to lean in and kiss her and make love to her, but even as he held her, he could see the cancer there in his mind's eye, and it frightened him. He was afraid to touch her; to harm her. So instead, he lay awake all night, praying over and over and over and over.
"Please, God. Not Jill. Don't take my, Jill."