Chapter 19

Kirk spent the nights pacing and thinking in his small quarters. He didn't dare sleep. His nightmares haunted him day and night. It was like an old and barely healed scare torn forcibly open again. The images kept slamming him non-stop. He couldn't concentrate.

The sleep problems were not uncommon though. The crew, the officers they were all traumatized. But the burden that was crushing him was not something that a few sessions of therapy could fix.

In day time, he just couldn't stay still. He was restless. He barely ate. The dark shadow under his bloodshot eyes was painful reminder of his night-time torments.

He kept it hidden well. He tried to smile when he talked to Uhura or joked kindly with Sulu and Chekov. He even managed to lighten the Scott's man foul mood who was still in medical center.

He just knew them all too well.

He was sure Scotty never noticed his unhealed scars when he was giving him the latest journal on higher warp drive theories, and Uhura never doubted the reason he gave for his constant tiredness. He couldn't see why anyone would even care to notice.

He could hide his pains from everyone. He could pretend he was fine and everything was ok. Well, he couldn't dodge everyone, no. He was sure the doctor and his first knew how troubled he really was, but they had not said anything. Yet.

Kirk guessed they were avoiding that particular conversation for his benefit. But he was sure they did not know the real extend of his turmoil. How could they?

They didn't understand why even the mention of food turned his stomach, or why he woke up from his nightmares, sick and nauseated. They couldn't know. They didn't live that hell.

He spent every single daytime hour he got with his crew on the Enterprise, trying to interact with them, and always showed his most confident face, however that was possible.

He visited many of the crewmen personally. He talked to them, and the doctor thought it was a good thing, an improvement.

He spent many hours in the medical center with the injured crew still there. It squeezed the doctor's heart to see that guilt ridden expression as the captain softly whispered to them. Trying to make them understand why this happened, why they were bed ridden and in pain.

He wanted them to understand that they were important, that their captain cared.

He was asking for their forgiveness, McCoy thought, or maybe to silent his own guilt for a few precious seconds.

But he was not entirely correct in his assumption. He hadn't heard any of the conversations himself. He hadn't had to bear the look of anger and hatred that Kirk received every time he spoke with his crew.

They all tried to hide it; they always spoke reverently with their captain. They stopped to salute him wherever they saw him. They politely asked about his health, and his answer was always the same. But their true feelings and thoughts were not all that hard to see.

Kirk never spoke of that with anyone. So no one knew how wounded he felt or what troubled his mind the most. He didn't believe these trivial worthy of words. They were his penance, his share of the ordeal. He didn't want to trouble anyone with his personal unimportant feelings.

Spock spoke in his captain's defense in every meeting with the Starfleet admirals. Kirk asked him to stop doing that because Spock was risking his rank and position for him, and Kirk didn't want that. He didn't need defenders. He couldn't bear to see others sacrifice themselves for him much more.

All he wanted was one more chance to make things right; on the planet Niurex and also for his crew. But he had not the slightest idea how. And that was driving him insane.

It was early morning. The alpha shift personnel had not yet relieved their peers, when the door to the darkened room sounded.

The two men jumped. They locked eyes for a second.

McCoy cursed under his breath. It was Spock, no doubt. He knew about their vigils. No one else disturbed them in the middle of the night.

The hobgoblin was supposed to be resting. Whatever it was, it must be important. McCoy signaled the door open.

Spock stepped in. He looked nothing close to rested. His feature was as pale and sleep deprived as the last time he saw him. He spoke without preamble.

"Captain, I have news for you. There was a message received not an hour ago."

"A message?" Kirk asked in a hoarse voice. Speaking for the first time in so long.

"Yes. From the planet Niurex. The message mentions your name specifically. The admirals called for another meeting. Your presence has been requested."

"… please… help us… killing… they are here… people…help us captain Kirk ..."

The voice whispering brokenly belonged to Governor V'sder.

Kirk's stomach churned. He felt the cold sweat on his face. He swallowed forcibly.

The background noise was shouts and screams and the sound of disrupters firing.

All eyes were on him. But he was staring at the now silent console. It was too much. It had happened all over again.

He had risked everything to stop this from happening.

He had failed, and now innocent people were dying.

All because of him.

He had failed again.

He closed his eyes hard. But the images kept slamming him nonstop.

Children running for their lives... Mothers screaming their last plea...

He had to save them. He needed to...

"- captain Kirk, I said what is your opinion?"

Kirk snapped to attention. They were all staring at him. Admiral Vennra and Sulir exchanged a brief glance.

Kirk's eyes lingered on McCoy. The doctor's eyes were concern, questioning. Spock tilted his head, squinting his eyes.

They want my opinion? Who am I to give opinion?

McCoy only looked at him as if to encourage him to talk.

Kirk looked uncertain for a split second but then, somehow he pulled himself back together.

"If The Klingons have taken control over the planet, the people are defenseless against the invasion. I believe Starfleet has to take some actions."

The confidence he felt after saying those words surprised even him. Maybe, just maybe he would have a chance to fix this.

"What do you propose?"

"They ask for help. We should help the people defend themselves."

"That was what the committee decided as well. We will form a team to go to that planet and repel the Klingon attack."

"I want to be on that team as well."

"Captain!"

"Jim, no!"

McCoy and Spock said in union. The doctor sounded horrified. Spock's voice had the slightest hint of concern.

Admiral Vennra ignored this out of character display and continued.

"I was hoping you say something like that. We will need your help on this one, captain Kirk."

"I am ready."

"Jim, what are you saying? You are not fit to go!" McCoy hissed from where he was leaning on the table.

Kirk ignored his friends and said to admiral, "What is the plan?"

McCoy came into the room after Kirk and Spock and angrily locked the door behind him.

He turned toward Kirk, face red and eyes hard.

"What the hell are you doing? Did you even think about it before accepting to go?"

"I've been thinking about it since the moment it all began, Bones." His voice was calm, his eyes sad, resigned. McCoy realized then just how much he hated that expression on that young face.

He took a breath to calm himself.

"Jim, listen to me. There's going to be a war down on that planet in no time. You'll all be stuck in the middle of it. Spock don't you just stand there like that. Say something, dammit!"

"I believe the doctor is right when he emphasizes on the danger. And you are still recovering, captain. Logic dictates you stay out of this mission. Also, you're emotionally involved with this event. It is not wise to risk yourself any further."

"I have to go, Spock, you know that. I can't stay here anymore."

McCoy tried calmly, "They will send a professional team to deal with this. You don't need to…"

"Bones, this is my last chance to try to make things right."

"It wasn't your doing that destroyed that planet in the first place, Jim." His words were low, gentle. Almost as if pleading him for one last time to understand that. "It is not your responsibility to fix it." His voice caught painfully.

"I have to, Bones."

"Then we are going with you." McCoy said stubbornly.

Kirk's keen and sad eyes lingered for long seconds on McCoy, studying him. Then on Spock who looked as if trying to keep himself from saying something.

"There is no 'we' in this one. It's too dangerous."

"What? The hell it is. We are in this together. Don't you dare pull another stupid stunt again. I'm not letting you go alone this time."

Kirk merely smiled and shook his head, but didn't say anything in response.

Spock took one step closer, narrowing his eyes in confusion. He couldn't quite understand the meaning that expression held. But he knew deep down that it was not a good sign.

He looked at McCoy for any kind of clue. The hurt and sorrow in those eyes forced him to look away.

Jim knows he probably will not come back from this alive. He knows and he is willing to die...

No, not again. He will not let this happen again. He will not let his best friend put himself in danger this time.

He pursed his lips tightly. He couldn't let his emotions betray him. Outwardly he was calm and calculated. But his mind was racing at an unbelievable pace.

There were times that he had thought he had lost his best friend. In those unbearable moments, in the midst of his despair, he was sure he would do just anything to bring him back. And he had done that many times already.

But this time, it was a suicide mission.

He blinked out of his thoughts to see McCoy and Kirk still arguing.

"It'll be a war zone. You said as much. I did enough harm already. I can't let you in the harm's way as well. You will stay here."

"No, I won't. I'll come to that godforsaken planet and-"

"Bones listen, to me-"

"No, you listen to me. Stop being a pig headed stubborn mule and listen for one damn minute. You have better chance if we come with you. You need us."

"Captain, it is only logical you take precaution and allow us to accompany you."

McCoy looked expectantly at Kirk, waiting for his decision. Face grim, and eyes hopeful.

Kirk knew what his friend wanted to shout. He could hear 'don't do this to me again' so loud it almost hurt his ears. He could see the pain in those blue eyes, but he couldn't live with this guilt anymore. If anything happened to any of them, he just knew he wouldn't survive it.

"No. That is the final call. No more argue."

McCoy closed his eyes and hung his head. He could hear the finality in that voice. And it shattered something throbbing in his chest.

Stubborn. Why are you so hell-bent on killing yourself?

Kirk came closer and gripped the doctor's shoulders reassuringly and smiled, minutely, "It's gonna be fine."

McCoy didn't move a muscle. He couldn't. He was completely numb. It felt like a painful deja vu. Except this time Kirk was standing in front of him and not speaking from a burning bridge.

He felt Kirk's hold tighten on his shoulders. He could feel Spock's anxiety radiating next to him.

No Jim. Not this time. I won't let you.

He lifted his head and looked directly in those hazel eyes.

"You know all I have to do is pronounce you unfit for this mission. We are coming with you, or no one's going. It's your choice, captain."

Kirk took a step back. The resolve he saw in the doctor's eyes surprised him.

"You are not serious!" Kirk sounded slightly betrayed.

Spock looked at McCoy. He could tell the man was deadly serious. And apparently Kirk could see that as well, because his frown deepened.

Kirk opened his lips to say something, but then closed it without a single sound. He was speechless.

Spock lifted one eyebrow. He reminded himself to never annoy the doctor on his bad days.