Mike Danko gripped the hand of his wife while six wide eyes looked up at him, trying somehow to process his words. He looked at his daughters; so young, beautiful and trusting. He could see Jill reflected in all three of them. They had her smile, her kindness, her compassion. And now, they were faced with the news that their beloved mother was sick. He sighed feeling the tremendous weight of the responsibility of parenting. What if I have to do this alone? He pushed the thought out of his head, and squeezed Jill's fingers.
"Can I go now?" Kate's voice was brittle with irritation.
"Kate!" Her father said sharply.
"I've got homework, Dad. I need to do it!" She stood abruptly and went down the hall to her room.
"Mary Katherine!" Eddie said rising.
"Let her go, Eddie." Jill said grabbing his arm. "It's fine."
"Mama," Lizzie said. "I don't want you to be sick." She crawled up into Jill's arms.
"I know, baby." Jill said kissing her youngest on the forehead.
"You have any questions?" Mike asked, lifting Amy up into his arms. "You can ask Mommy or me. You can talk to Grandpa, too. Uncle Terry and Aunt Beth know. So does Aunt Amanda. You've got all kinds of people you can talk too."
"I don't want to talk to anyone." Amy said. "I just want Mama to get better."
"Me too." Mike said smoothing his daughter's hair. "And she will but it might take awhile."
"You okay, Lizzie?" Jill asked looking down.
"Uh, huh. Can I have a cookie?" Lizzie looked up with piercing blue eyes.
"Come with me, baby." Eddie said rising and giving Jill a wink. "I'll get you a cookie."
She cheerfully hopped off her mother's lap and followed him into the kitchen.
"I'm gonna check on Kate." Jill said rising. She crossed the room, and leaned over, giving Amy a kiss. She brushed her hand through Mike's hair, and continued down the hall to the bedroom where her oldest daughter sat bent over her desk.
"Kate?" Jill asked leaning against the doorway.
"I've got to finish this." Kate said her voice tight and quiet. Jill studied her oldest thoughtfully with a sad smile on her face.
"You know the biggest problem you've got is that you are just like me, Katie Girl." Jill said with a laugh. "You do the same things I do when I'm upset."
"What do you do?" Kate asked curiously.
"Well, I get a lot of work done. I act like I'm not upset. I try and keep it to myself." Jill said. "Ask Daddy. He knows." Jill looked down at her daughter. "You get buried in a book or do homework."
Kate said nothing, but set her pencil down. She ran her finger back and forth along the edge of her book.
"Are you scared?" Kate said at last.
"A little bit, yeah." Jill said moving closer to Kate, sitting down on the edge of her bed. "But mostly because I've never done any of the things I'm about to do. And I know the medicine won't make me feel good."
"I'm scared too." Kate said putting her hands in her lap.
"I know, honey. You don't have to pretend like you aren't. You are nine years old. You don't have to be so grown up." Jill said. "Come here, sweetie."
Kate rose slowly and crawled onto Jill's lap, burying her head in her mother's shoulder. Jill ran her hand through Kate's long, dark hair, whispering soft comforting words, as Kate cried. She looked up to see Mike standing in the doorway watching the two of them. She said nothing her eyes brimming with tears. He brushed a tear that ran down his cheek, and bending low, kissed Kate's forehead.
"Your Mama's gonna be fine, Katie Bug. I promise it. I won't let anything happen to her."
Jill looked up at Mike, wincing at his words. What if he was making a promise he couldn't keep? How would Kate feel then, and how would she handle it, if Jill weren't there to help her through it? The air in the room felt stifling and the walls too close. She kissed Kate's cheek and passed her daughter to Mike, rushing out of the room. She went straight through the house out the back door and stood taking in deep breaths of air. She wasn't sure how long she stood alone in the backyard. But by the time, Mike came outside to find her, the sky was filled with bright stars.
"Babe?" He asked.
"I couldn't . . ." She sighed turning to face him. "Don't make promises you can't keep. Especially to Kate. She's gonna struggle, Mike."
"You're gonna be okay." He said stubbornly.
"You can't know that." She said softly. "Mike, she believes everything you say, and if . . .if . . ."
"Jill! Don't talk like that! Don't ask me to . . .damn it! Baby, don't ask me to try and think about a life without you." He said furiously, turning from her and covering his face with his hands.
Jill blew out a long breath, and turned to look at him. She could see his shoulders shaking and tried to imagine what it was like to be in his shoes. She couldn't imagine his anguish; his pain. If he were sick and facing an uncertain future - she wasn't sure she would be able to breathe.
"Sweetheart." She said gently. "Sweetheart, I'm sorry." She went to him then, running her hand along his strong, dependable shoulders. "I'm sorry." She repeated.
He looked up at her with those bright blue eyes. She loved his eyes, and even after sixteen years of looking into them, she was often overwhelmed by their piercing beauty. She sighed wishing that something she could say would comfort him; wishing she could tell him it was all just a bad dream. She felt a heaviness that seemed to settle in the center of her chest; a grief that was heavy to carry. At night, she had dreams - dreams of Mike standing alone - their daughters dressed in black. She dreamed that they cried out to her but she couldn't get to them somehow - a dream she hadn't had in years and years and years. She wished all the dreams would go away. She wished . . . She wished for so many things. She tried to divert her mind from dark thoughts.
"This is probably the worst day, I've ever . . ." She said running a hand through her hair. "Don't you think?"
"It's definitely in the top five." He agreed wiping the tears from his face.
"Definitely. Losing the baby. You getting shot - both times." She considered thoughtfully.
"Los Angeles Stadium." He added.
"Los Angeles Stadium." She agreed. "And telling your children you've got cancer."
"That's a pretty lousy list." He sighed.
"Let's hope it doesn't get any longer." She said with a dark laugh. She glanced at him and standing beside him, bumped his shoulder with hers. "At least we're together. I can't say the same of some of those other days."
"Crappy days are bearable with you, Baby." He said and reaching out ran his finger along the line of her chin. "You are everything."
"Tell me everything will be alright again." She said looking up at him. "Hold me close, and say it."
He pulled her close to him, her head resting against his chest. She could hear the steady beat of his heart and fill the low rumble of his voice as he spoke. "Everything is going to be alright. I'll do everything in my power, Baby, I swear it." They stood together silently for a long time, swaying as though they were dancing, even though there wasn't any music.
"You think we should go ahead with the mastectomy." She said at last.
"I can't make that decision. It's your body, Jill." He said softly.
"But you think. . ."
"I don't want to be standing next to some goddam stone wishing we'd been more aggressive." He said bitterly. She could hear the anguish in his voice, and feel his heart rate increase.
"Ok," She said soothingly. "Okay. It's okay, Mike. Shhh."
"I just want you for always." He said his voice thick with tears.
"I don't know how I feel about it." She said gently. "I don't know what it would look like. I don't want to be some kind of freak." Her eyes filled with tears. "It's not that I'm vain, but I always felt so proud when you talk about how pretty I am."
"You are beautiful and always will be. You don't really believe I would care about that? Baby, you've got to know that I . . ." He rested his chin on the top of her head. "What if it were me?" He asked her.
"It isn't the same and you know it." She said.
"I would have scars. I would be changed." He said seriously holding her away so that he could look into her eyes. "Would it matter to you?"
"God, no!" She said shocked at the suggestion. "I wouldn't care about some stupid mark."
"Me either." He said looking down at her and meeting her eyes. "I love you; you. And I'll take you anyway I can have you. I just . . ." His voice broke and he glanced away from her. "I just want you here - right here, inside my arms for always."
She said nothing, just rested against his chest, happy to have his arms around her. She tried to imagine the days ahead, but found it impossible. The only thing she was sure of, had his arms wrapped tight around her now.
When they returned inside later, they found all three girls had climbed into their bed, and fallen asleep. Eddie sat across from them in a wing chair, reading a book by the light of a dim lamp.
He looked up as Mike and Jill came into the room.
"Sorry," He whispered. "I couldn't talk them out of it."
"Stubborn girls." Jill said.
"Apple doesn't fall far from the tree." Eddie said with a wink. He rose slowly. Setting the book back down on the table beside the chair. "I should get home. I'll call you tomorrow, if that's okay."
"It's late." Jill said. "Why don't you just stay in Kate and Amy's room?"
"No. I'll head home." He reached up and put his hand on either side of her face. "You get some rest. If you need anything, you can call me, alright, honey?" He kissed her forehead, and she closed her eyes as he did.
"Thank you for being here." She said opening her eyes as he released her.
"We are family." He said simply. He nodded at Mike and turned to leave. Mike followed him to the door.
"Thanks, for coming, sir." He said. "It meant so much to her, and to me."
Ryker reached out and surprised Mike by gently patting the side of his face. "Don't call me, sir. I'm not your boss anymore. I'm Grandpa and that sweet girl in there isn't the only Danko I think of as my child. You hang in there, Mike. Take it an hour at a time, okay?"
"Yes, sir."
Ryker shook his head at the word "sir" and laughing turned to leave. "You used to be better at following orders, Danko."
"No sir, I wasn't." Mike said smiling.
Mike closed the door as Ryker climbed into his car. Turning he locked it, making sure the dog was out. He followed his ordinary night time ritual of shutting the house down, but nothing felt ordinary anymore. He wondered if it ever would again.