Lizzie's birthday party proved to be one of the best days Mike Danko had experienced since he'd heard his wife's doctor say "cancer". Jill had allowed Lizzie to invite all the girls from her kindergarten class, as well as her other friends. She had spent the day before decorating so the house sparkled with silver, pink and purple streamers. It was a fairy land packed with little girls dressed as fairies. They rushed from room to room, cherubic smiles from ear to ear, giggling joyfully. He never could have imagined when he was crawling on his belly in the Mekong that he would one day be joyfully surrounded by the sweet laughter of little girls.
He glanced across the room as Jill handed another bright pink slice of cake to a purple fairy who reached out to her with tiny greedy fingers. Jill was smiling, something that had always melted his heart, but now her smile completely slayed him. She was wearing a long green dress, and her head was wrapped in a matching scarf. Her giant, brown eyes filled with laughter and joy, as their six year old clapped her hands gleefully after being given a piece of cake with a flower on top.
If you had asked him a year ago about his best moment - he might have talked of the day he met Jill, or the day his girls were born. He might even had talked about being promoted at work or the time he saved that little boy who everyone believed to be dead. Now his answer would be completely different; "Seeing my wife smile - that's always my best day." It was strange that with all the complications that cancer had brought to their lives, it had brought a simplicity to it too. Nothing mattered to him more than this; Jill.
She caught his eye and he winked at her with a raised eyebrow. He wanted to go to her then and wrap his arms around her, but recognized that it might interfere with Lizzie's party.
"She looks so good." Liz Conners said, standing beside him. "She looks so happy."
"Yeah. She's beautiful." He said and cleared his throat afraid his emotions would spill over into tears.
"Next year's party will be even better." Liz said reaching out and gently squeezing his arm.
"It will." He agreed firmly. Liz moved on to help with serving the cake, and Mike went outside to where Terry was still cooking hot dogs.
"Nobody told me six-year-old girls could eat four hot dogs. That's crazy! These girls are tiny and they could out eat me!" Terry said turning to Mike. "I've been at this grill for a solid hour!"
Mike handed him a beer. "When Amy was four she ate half a pizza - all by herself. They are the tiniest things - skinny, like Jill, but geez, can they pack it away!"
"No, Chris?" Terry asked, and Mike shook his head taking a swig of beer.
"I can't really blame him. It'd be pretty hard to look Megan in the eye."
"He should though. It should be part of his steps." Terry said.
"It is." Mike said. "But maybe not at a six-year old's birthday party in front of all the friends who are still pretty pissed at you."
"I suppose you've got a point." Terry said adding the last hot dog to the plate. "That's it man! If they are hungry they can eat their fairy wings! I'm done."
It was as Lizzie had just opened her last gift, that Chris stepped anxiously into the house. The older kids were outside playing basketball in the driveway, so Mike didn't see Josh or James react to their father's arrival, but he was sitting beside, Megan on the couch when her ex-husband stepped into the living room. He heard her quick intake of breath, and looking down could see her hands shaking. He reached over and gently took her hand. She latched on in a tight grip.
"Chris!" Jill said turning and smiling at him. She didn't hug him. Mike noticed that. Jill was a big hugger, so it was noticeable. Then again, about a year ago, he couldn't imagine Jill standing less than three feet from Chris without a knife in her hands, so this was a pretty big improvement.
"I wanted to wish Lizzie a happy birthday." He said, his voice uncharacteristically weak.
"She just ran out back with the girls." Jill said. "Come on, I'll show you." Jill led Chris across the room and out the back door. Mike glanced at Megan, who had released her death grip on his hand and let out a long, slow breath.
"You okay?" He asked her quietly.
"Yeah." She said softly. "The things I'll do for your wife." She said shaking her head and wiping the stray tears that had escaped. "I hope she appreciates it."
"She does." Mike said gently. "And I do too, Megan. I'm sorry. This must be hard."
"No, facing him in court was hard. This is . . ." She considered for a moment. "This is okay. I thought seeing him again would be awful, but when I imagined him, I thought he'd look like before when he was drinking."
"He looked pretty bad back then." Mike agreed.
"But he looks better now. He looks good, doesn't he? He seems like he's doing alright."
"He is." Mike said. "He goes to a meeting just about every day. He's doing a lot better."
"Good." Megan said softly. "I'm glad." She looked over at Mike. "It must be hard for you to understand, but he's someone I cared about, and I care about him still even in spite of all . . ."
"You don't owe me any explanations, Meg. He was your husband, and beside, I was there."
"Yeah." She sighed. "You were. But those days are behind us now. Better days ahead - for everyone." She smiled at him and rising moved to help clean up.
Mike sat back amazed that Jill had somehow even managed to pull this off. Megan and Chris in the same space without any yelling or crying. He rose and stood watching as Megan moved across the room to gather up the discarded wrapping paper. He crossed to where she was, and holding her by her elbow, kissed her on the cheek.
"We love you Megan - you and the boys." Mike said surprising himself.
Her green eyes filled with tears, and she swallowed twice before responding, "Thank you, Mike. You've been good to us - you and Jill." She looked out the sliding glass door where Chris was talking to Lizzie and smiling. "And you've been good to him, too. Thank you."
***R***
"Well, curing cancer should be a snap after that." Mike said collapsing next to Jill on their bed. She sat up in bed, reading. She wore reading glasses now, which Mike found adorable. She often got cold at night too, so she slept wearing one of his dull, grey stocking caps from basic training. Somehow, she could make even that old hat look feminine.
"Oh, it was just a birthday party, Mike." She said glancing up at him dismissively.
"That was some birthday party. I kept waiting for the elephants and clowns to show up. You know how to throw a good shindig, Mrs. Danko." He teased her. "But that isn't what I meant. He said good-bye to her. Did you see that? They stood not two feet from each other and had a perfectly civil conversation."
Jill set her book down in her lap. "I saw. He still loves her." Jill sighed. "It's really, really sad."
"But maybe . . ." Mike said.
"I don't think so. She loves him, too, but it would be a really hard thing to forget."
"Yeah, I guess so." Mike said thoughtfully. "Besides, I always thought she was way out of his league. Still, it was a really good thing you did."
"The up-side to hovering right around death's door." She said with a wry smile.
"Jillian!" He said sternly.
"Michael." She said with a grin. "Lighten up, sweetheart."
He shook his finger at her. "I do not appreciate you joking about . . ."
"Oh, shut up and kiss me!" She said with a laugh. "I start chemo in two more days, you better make your move while you still can."
"Listen, Babe," He began trying to make his point, but then he considered the situation carefully. "Okay, but later, I'm gonna fight with you."
She laughed, wrapping her arms around him, and pulling him close. "I'll pencil you in."
***R***
Jill Danko sat back in the chair with a sigh. She tried to avert her eyes from the IV bag. Watching it drip never made it go any faster. The first time she had chemo, she had been terrified, and unsure. Now, it was just boring. The first day of treatment was like this. She didn't feel sick and therefore felt frustrated. There were so many things she could be doing! She glanced up and sighed. Half-full. She turned back to the book in her lap and tried to concentrate on the page, again.
"For someone so sick, you look pretty bored." Liz Conners said pulling a chair next to Jill.
"You caught me." Jill said laughing.
"Where's your boyfriend?" Liz asked looking around.
"Work." Jill said. "Cancer or not the Danko girls are gonna need pretty dresses."
""Can't argue with that." Liz said. "So, how do you feel?"
"Right now, I'm fine, but talk to me tomorrow right around one o'clock." Jill said. "I can't complain. A few more weeks, and chemo will be behind me."
"Good. I can't say I don't love having all this time with you, but I'd rather have you back on the floor. They could use a good nurse." Liz said.
"When are you going to retire?" Jill asked.
"I don't know. Now, you sound like Bob." Liz said with a sigh.
"He's been pretty patient." Jill pointed out.
"I know." Liz agreed. "It's hard to give up. Every day I go to work and do something that really matters. How could retirement compare to that?"
"Give it a try." Jill said laughing. "You might find you like it. You've worked long enough. You could go see Lucy and Jason."
"I feel like a third wheel. They are sweet, but I just remind them of the past."
"It's not like you to be down." Jill said. "I know Jason is happy to see his grandma, and you are connected. You like her new husband. You told me so."
"I do. He's a good man, and Jason needs a father . . ." She looked out the window. "It was today."
"What?"
"Bobby. It was today."
"Oh." Jill said with wide eyes. "I'm sorry, Liz."
"It's hard to believe it. But it was ten years ago today. I was at their house, thank God, and holding Jason. He was so tiny then. I looked out the window, and saw the police car and the sergeant walking to the door." She blinked and shook herself. "I don't know why I'm brooding so much today. I'm sorry." She glanced at Jill who had bright tears in her eyes. "Oh, now I've done it. Mike will kill me if I ruin your good mood."
"You don't have to pretend to be cheerful for my sake. You and I, we've been down a hard road together. You've held my hand far too many times to hide when you feel bad."
"So, you are gonna cheer me up, now?" Liz asked with a raised eyebrow. "The cancer girl?"
"Yep." Jill grinned.
"You know, Danko, you're a real pill."
"I can't tell you how many people tell me that."
***R***
Mike had it all planned. Her last chemo appointment was Thursday. She'd feel pretty awful straight through until late Saturday. Sunday he'd drop the girls off at the Lake House. They'd spend the day pushing their grandfather around, and eating entirely too much junk food. Meanwhile, he'd tuck Jill into the car and drive up the coast to their favorite spot. He'd been saving a bottle of champagne from their wedding. It had been a surprise gift from his father who was not known for being thoughtful or generous. He gave them three bottles.
"Save one for when your last child leaves home." He told Mike. "One should be for your fiftieth anniversary."
"What about the other one?" Mike had asked. "You gave me three."
"Save that one for when you need it. You'll know."
"You sound like a man speaking from experience."
"Oh, I am. Remember that time I cost the firm that big account and nearly got fired? Maybe you don't. You were pretty young. Anyway, when they decided to keep me on, your Mom and I drove out to the pier and drank the whole thing." His father said, smiling at the memory.
His father was right. He knew that this was just the right time. He couldn't wait to pour a glass and make a toast to the future . . .
Unfortunately, Jill's white blood cells hadn't heard about his plans. On her last day of treatment, her numbers plummeted.
"We need to admit her." The doctor told him. "It would be too dangerous for her to leave the hospital. Her immune system is incredibly vulnerable."
"But it's her last treatment." Mike sounded like Lizzie when she was told it was time for bed.
"Her body has been through so much in the last ten months. I am quite surprised it hasn't happened before. We'll pump her full of antibiotics, keep her isolated, and see if we can't get those numbers to improve. She's pretty out of it right now, and probably will be for a few hours. It's best she rests anyway." The doctor said cheerfully, and with a nod walked away.
Mike was furious. He'd been a good sport. He'd waited patiently. He'd run the house to the best of his ability and had even become an expert lunch maker. He could even braid the girls hair, but this was his big moment; the pay off. Last day of chemo, walk out the doors, and never look back - ride off into the sunset with his girl. They were supposed to tip their champagne glasses and kiss while doves flew into the sunlight. Alright, the doves were probably too much but still . . he found himself storming away from the doctor and out the doors of the cancer center, cursing. He hadn't even realized that he'd left the parking lot until he looked up and realized that he was in the middle of the city.
Ah, hell! He thought. Not only had he abandoned his sick wife, who had just been admitted to the hospital, he'd disappeared on his entire family. He glanced down at his watch, and saw that he'd been walking for hours.
He continued on, glancing around, looking for a pay phone. He'd better call . . .who the hell was he gonna call? Jill? Amanda? He turned a corner and found a pay phone. He stood staring at the numbers for a good twenty minutes trying to decide who to call. Reluctantly, he finally dialed.
***R***
The first time Jill Danko opened her eyes, she saw Terry Webster sitting beside her.
"Hey there!" He grinned at her. "You thirsty?"
She shook her head, moving slightly. "I feel awful. What happened?"
"Your white blood count bottomed out. They were worried about infection, you had a low grade fever. It got pretty high there for a bit. It's down some." He rose and stood beside her.
"Where's Mike?"
"Uh, I'm not sure." Terry glanced around nervously, stalling. "He stepped out and uh, I'll go look."
"No." She said softly. "That's ok." She smiled up at him. "Beth with the girls?"
"Yep." Terry said. "I'd give you a kiss Jill, but we aren't allowed to touch you." He shrugged.
"They had to admit me?" She asked looking around.
"Yeah, but just tell your numbers are better. Well, and then you got that fever. It might be a few days yet. Don't worry about it Jill. The docs say it happens sometimes." He wanted to reach over and hold her hand, but knew he was supposed to keep his distance.
"Mike probably didn't manage the news too well." She said softly.
"Yeah, he uh, well he just needs a little time, okay, Jill?" Terry said, ignoring the doctor's orders and reaching to hold her hand. "You know him, honey. He'll be here. It was kind of a blow. He hates seeing you sick."
"Mike's a wreck isn't he?" She asked him.
"Listen, baby," Terry said. "We got Mike. You just get better."
"Thanks Terry." She said closing her eyes. "Thanks so much."
"You're welcome, honey. You just keep breathing in and out, and we'll take care of the rest."
***R***
"Don't take this the wrong way, Danko." Ryker said striding toward where Mike sat waiting on a park bench. "Sometimes you are a real jackass."
"Yes, sir." Mike agreed.
"Everyone was in a complete panic. Your only saving grace is that Jill was too sick to really be conscious."
"What?" Mike asked. "She's . . ."
"She's got a fever; a cold they think. It was a good thing they had admitted her. But, she's doing fine. The doctor said her numbers are already starting to improve. She's worn out. She just needs to rest. But it is nice that you decided ask."
"Don't be a jerk." Mike said without thinking, and then realized what he'd said. "I'm sorry, sir. I'm sort of out of sorts."
"I picked up on that." Ryker said with a shake of his head. "Besides it was a jerky thing to say. I know you love the girl, and so does she. So, why did you decide to disappear?"
"I dunno." He ran a hand over his face. "I don't want to talk about it."
"That's a good plan. It's been working great for you so far."
"What are you talking about?"
"Listen, I'm the last man to criticize the strong, silent, macho man, but you've taken it to the extreme." Ryker told him. "I think it might be time for a pretty serious break down."
"What the hell are you talking about?" Mike felt an unreasonable fury bubbling up.
"That's better."
"You want me to get hysterical?" Mike said rising and swinging his arms wide. "You think I don't want to? I haven't got time for it! I've got a pile of medical bills that I've got no idea how we're gonna pay off. I've got three little girls who are crying for their Mama wanting to know if she'll be around! You know, Kate's convinced that she's gonna have cancer some day! And the one person I could always talk to when I was stressed out, is lying on some goddam hospital bed because the medicine they've been giving her to make her better has completely wiped out her immune system! If some idiot steps in that room and sneezes - I'll spend the next afternoon trying to find three black dresses for her babies to wear at her funeral!" Mike was yelling now. A couple who had been playing with their dog nearby, packed up their picnic gear and moved away. "Yeah! That's right! Better run away from the hysterical crazy man! He won't hurt you, though! He's just pissed as hell that his wife has goddam cancer!" He yelled after them. He turned around and glared at Ryker. "Happy?"
Before Ryker could answer, Mike turned from him.
"It's not fair! Goddammit! She's supposed to be getting better! This is it! We made it through! I've got the whole thing planned and . . .ah, hell!" He turned and slammed his fist into a nearby tree.
"Alright, alright." Ryker said with a hand on his shoulder. "Sit down, sit down." He maneuvered Mike back to the park bench. Mike sat down heavily. His head in his one good hand. Ryker sat beside him.
"You break it?" Ryker asked at last.
"Yeah, I think so." Mike said resigned. "Great! Another medical bill!"
"Feel better?"
Mike sighed. "I don't know. Maybe a little bit. You must think I'm a total screw up." He shook his head. "I don't know, maybe Chris had the right idea."
"I can't think of a man less like you, than Chris." Ryker said with a sigh. He put a hand on Mike's shoulder. "You are devoted, Mike. One hundred percent to whatever you set your hand too - the Air Force, the Police Force, your daughters, Jill."
Mike ran his good hand over his face. "I don't know man."
"I do. You've kept it together for a really long time, and today was a pretty big disappointment."
"Pretty bad time to come undone."
"Seems like the perfect time to me." Ryker sighed.
"It is so unfair! She's so good." Mike's voice was shaky with tears. "You know anyone better than her?"
"Just one." Ryker said softly.
"God! I'm sorry." Mike said with wide eyes. "I've got no . . ."
"I'm the one man on earth you don't have to explain this to." Ryker said. "Go ahead and curse the sky; you're right. It's unfair. It is the goddam most unfair thing there is. If there's a reason to scream, curse and break your hand, having that sweet girl wreaked with cancer would be it."
Mike held his jaw tight, fighting for control. "If she dies . . ." His voice shook with rage.
"If she dies, you'll take care of her girls." Ryker interrupted. "You are a stronger man than me, and like I said, you are devoted. You'll get up every morning and do what needs to be done because you love her, and always, always will."
Mike looked over at Ryker, who turned his face quickly away, wiping stray tears as he did. "Wanna curse some more? Smash something?"
"Nah." Mike said exhaling. "You think someone called the cops on the crazy guy in the park?"
"We are the cops." Ryker said with a wry grin. "Come on, we better get that hand looked at." He rose and Mike slowly followed him.
***R***
The next time she opened her eyes, Jill Danko found her sister Amanda, sitting beside her..
"Well, hey! Is that Jill Danko?" Amanda asked with a grin. "It can't be. I've never seen that girl sit still for more than twenty minutes."
"I'm an expert at laying around now." Jill said. She moaned slightly. "I must be doing better because I feel a hell of alot worse."
"Yeah, your fever finally broke. They think you are on the downside of an infection. They've got you so full of meds, it's a wonder you can open those big, brown eyes of yours." Amanda said.
"How's Mike?" Jill asked her sister.
"Ryker's with him." Amanda sighed. "To be honest, I'm kind of ticked off at him, just now. It's hard to blame him. He's such a good man, but Jilly! He wasn't here and . . ."
"Give it a rest, Amanda! He's been through hell and you know it. He's allowed to screw up once in awhile. He didn't leave me alone." Jill said.
"I'm sorry. You're right. Lie still. You can't get upset. The doctors will kick me out."
"You keep talking like that and they won't have to - I will." Jill said through clenched teeth, but then she relented. "I'm sorry Amanda. You don't understand. Mike's a fixer, and he can't fix this. He's been so frustrated and so angry, but he can't show me that. It is different for us. We've always shared everything; always. And his anger; his pain - he's had to manage it himself."
"I know." Amanda said quietly.
"Eddie will set him straight. It was my last treatment." She sighed. "We were supposed to go home and never come back. He must be heartbroken."
"What about you? It's happening to you, Jill." Amanda said bitterly.
"Mike and I, we're the same person, 'Manda. It's happening to him." She looked over at her older sister.
"Paul and I never had that." Amanda said quietly.
"I know." Jill sighed. "He'll be here just as soon as he gets it under control. That's the worst part. He's broken, and I can't comfort him. I could manage losing my hair and my breast, but its robbing me of helping my best friend, and that really, really makes me . . ."
"Come on, Jill." Amanda said worriedly. "You need to relax and rest. Don't worry about Mike. You are right. He'll be here. Just rest, okay? I'm sorry I said anything."
***R***
The next time Jill Danko opened her eyes, she had a pounding headache, but she felt much more lucid than she had in the past. She looked up to see Marlene, one of the nurses she had trained, adjusting her IV.
"Hey! You are awake! How do you feel?" Marlene asked her.
"Headache." Jill said softly, "but better, I guess."
"We'll get some Tylenol for you. It's the downside to coming off some of the meds they've been giving you. You know that." She smiled at her. "You taught me that."
"The infection cleared up?" Jill asked.
"Yep. Your white blood count is up too. They are finally talking about letting you get out of here." Marlene said.
"What day is it?" Jill asked.
"Saturday morning." She glanced up at the clock. "It's about 4 a.m."
"I lost Friday somewhere." Jill said lifting a hand to her face. "You seen my husband anywhere?"
"Oh yeah! He hasn't left your side since you showed up." She stepped away from the chair she'd been standing in front of, and revealed Mike, asleep behind her. "He probably finally crashed about an hour ago. I can try and wake him."
"No, that's okay. He's probably worn out." Jill said. "Let him sleep." She pulled herself to a sitting position and gazed down at him. He looked completely uncomfortable, but he'd become an expert at sleeping in hospital chairs. He needed a shave and probably a bath. She looked at his wrist.
"Why does he have a cast on his arm?" She asked suddenly alarmed.
"I'm not sure." Marlene said. "He showed up that way late Thursday. I didn't ask."
Marlene turned to go. "You need anything else? How about some juice? You must be hungry."
"That would be good." Jill said, her eyes still on Mike.
"Oh, the Deputy Chief is hanging around outside. Should I let him in?" Marlene asked as she held the door open.
"Yes, please." Jill said.
Ryker stepped into the room with a glance at Mike. He raised an eyebrow at Jill, and moved close, standing beside her bed.
"You finally woke up." He said.
"They gave me some pretty strong meds, I think." She said.
"Well, you had a pretty high fever." Ryker said moving to sit on the side of her bed. "How do you feel now?"
"Tired, and a little bit worried." She glanced over where Mike still slept. "You gonna tell me about the cast?"
"No." Ryker said softly. "Secrets between men." He winked at her. "You are better, he's okay now."
"Eddie . . ." She began.
"Don't start, Jill. A man's entitled to a few secrets now and again. And you don't have to worry. I was with him."
"Okay," She turned her eyes away from Mike, and smiled at Eddie, reaching for his hand. "You doing alright?"
Ryker said nothing, but simply dropped his head. He was silent for a good few minutes, and then slowly shook his head before looking up at her with bright eyes. "See, that's the whole problem, darlin'," He said huskily. "We're trying to manage things, and then you have to be so damn sweet. It makes us pretty angry about everything."
"Hmph." She said softly considering this. "Mad enough to hit a wall?"
"Or a tree." Eddie said. "Whatever is available."
She squeezed his fingers. "Well, I guess I'll work on being a little bit meaner."
"No chance of that." Eddie told her. "It's just not in your nature. Besides, those tests are gonna come back and you'll be free of all this, and we can go back to taking you for granted."
"That sounds so nice."
"You need anything?" He asked her.
"Uh, uh." She settled back against the pillows, still holding his hand. "I'm gonna fall asleep again."
"That's okay." He told her. "Mike's not waking up anytime soon. They gave him pain meds for his wrist, and he was worn out as it was."
"You stay 'til I'm asleep?" She asked closing her eyes.
"Of course, sweetheart." He said softly. "If you don't mind, I might even stay a little longer than that." He leaned over and kissed her forehead.
"Thanks, Eddie." She said drowsily. "Especially for being there for him."
"It's my pleasure, honey - and besides, we're family." She smiled at his words even as she drifted back to sleep.