Mike Danko stood next to his wife's hospital bed, watching her sleep. In the last ten months, he had stood in this spot so many times. He had always loved to watch her sleep, but now he spent countless hours watching the steady rise and fall of her chest, afraid that it would stop if he looked away. His wrist ached but he didn't want to take another pain pill because they made him drowsy. He ran the fingers of his left hand along the soft, smooth skin of her face. Her brown eyes flicked open and seeing him she smiled. His heart seemed to stop briefly as he watched recognition dawn over her beautiful features. She smiled whenever she saw him - every time - for over sixteen years.
"Hey, Baby." He said smiling back.
"Hi." She whispered softly.
"You feel okay? Need something?"
She shook her head. "Just you."
"You got me." He sighed and stalling fussed over her covers, making sure she was tucked in, and warm. Finally, he said, "I'm sorry I disappeared for a bit. I was . . ."
"No, I'm sorry sweetheart, I know you must of been so disappointed."
"Don't . . . Don't . . . After I . . . I'm the one who's sorry, Baby. I never should have . . . aw, goddammit!" He turned away from her trying to get a grip on the emotions that overwhelmed him. He ran a hand over his face, wiping away tears.
"Sweetheart," She said softly. "Mike, come here. Mike, please."
He wanted to leave the room so he could hide his anguish from her but he knew that would hurt her deeply. He swallowed hard, deeply frustrated.
"Michael! Honey, I can't get out of bed. Come here!" He could hear the frustration in her voice that she was confined to a bed and unable to do what she wanted. It wounded him to think she was frustrated and so he immediately stepped back, turning to face her. He kept his eyes down, hidden.
She reached for his hand and held it tightly in hers. "I don't suppose you want to talk about it, huh?"
He shook his head, and she sighed. She ran her fingers along his face, rubbing the line of his cheekbone. Finally she said, "Nice cast," but he didn't respond; too ashamed - too shattered. "Tough guy, huh?" She asked. "Aw, Mike, I wish . . ."
"I wish about ten million things." He said suddenly interrupting her. "No, that's not true." He corrected himself. "I wish just one thing."
"Me too." She said.
"I bet it's the same thing." He whispered.
"I wish you weren't in so much pain. I wish you weren't hiding it from me." She said and her eyes brimmed with tears, and he could feel every piece of his shattered heart, stabbing him from somewhere deep inside. Her goodness and sweetness too much to bear. He looked up, meeting her eyes then, his face still streaked with tears; his tears still falling.
"That's two things."
"Don't nitpick, sweetheart." She smiled recognizing that he was attempting to lighten the mood, but he could still see the pain of all the things unsaid between them.. "I miss being the one you'd turn to."
"You still are." He said huskily.
"But you aren't talking to me." She reached out and ran a hand over his chest. "You want to tell me about that cast?"
"No. Listen, Baby, I can't . . . You don't tell me everything, either." He considered her thoughtfully, sitting on the edge of the bed facing her.
She sighed. "No, I don't." She looked down, rubbed her face with her hand, and then met his eyes and gripping his arms, said fiercely, "I love you so much, Mike. I can't bear how hurt you are and I'm so sick of it all! I hate being weak! I hate that I haven't seen the girls in two days! I hate it! I hate lying in this bed as our whole life drifts by. I hate it! It's so . . ." She stopped herself taking a deep gulp of air. He watched her fight it as she willed herself to remain in control.
He leaned in and kissed her, "Say it, Jilly. You haven't said it, not once." His voice was barely a whisper.
"I shouldn't." She whispered back, already ashamed. "Lots of people have it worse."
"It's still true. Say it, Baby. It's just me. I'll never tell a soul." He held her face in his hands preventing her from looking away.
"It's so unfair." Her voice was so soft that he could barely hear it. Her eyes filled with tears and he rested his forehead against hers. "It is so unfair."
"Yes." The word came out of him like the exhaling of a breath. "And I want to change it so badly, and I hate that I'm powerless. I hate it." He inched his face away from her so he could see her.
"I know, Mike. I'm sorry." She whispered reaching out with gentle fingers and wiping the tears that fell from his face.
"I'm sorry, too Baby. I'm sorry for so much. For leaving you waiting all those nights. For just letting you worry and expecting you to manage it. I'm sorry for that goddam stupid fight over those lamps! God! I was such an ass! It was thirty-seven damn dollars! I'm sorry for that time I got so obsessed with making sure Pip Brent was alright - I should have thought of you first. That was stupid and you were so patient. And I'm sorry I couldn't protect you from Wainz. I'm so sorry about that first baby. And I'm sorry . . . God, Baby, I'm sorry for about ten thousand things."
"Mike, easy." She said soothingly.
"I just never, ever want to take you for granted, Jill. I don't. You are my whole world. I couldn't . . . I can't live a life without you beside me, I can't. And I'm terrified I'll have to. I'm so scared that I'll have to raise those girls without you, and I can't do it. I know I can't. You make our life work. You make it home, you always, always have." He was sobbing now, and had completely surrendered to it. She pulled him forward into her arms, and he held her tightly to him, as they wept together.
"What if the tests aren't good?" She asked quietly. "What if it isn't over?"
"Then we'll keep fighting it. You and me. Together."
She nodded her head, trying somehow to find a way to accept that this fear might come true. She looked into his deep, beautiful, familiar blue eyes, and wanted nothing more than to spend years and years and years continuing to do just that. Even if she closed her eyes, she could still see his eyes - could remember every inch of him - she knew him so well. "No matter what happens, Mike, I'll always love you, even if I'm not here to . . ."
"Baby, don't . . ." But he was lost again in sobs, unable to stop it.
"Shh. Shh." She whispered softly into his ear, and even in this he recognized that she was the stronger one - comforting him in his utter brokenness. It only made him weep all the more.
"A thousand years wouldn't be enough, Jilly. Eternity would be too short." He managed between sobs.
***R***
Terry Webster held tightly to Beth's hand as they made their way down the all too familiar hospital corridor. He glanced at the side of her face, and with a grin leaned over and kissed her.
"What's that for?" She asked him.
"It's just I am pretty fond of you." He said with a grin.
"Please don't tell my husband!" She said laughing and startling a nearby nurse who had been watching them shocked. Terry saw the nurse's quick look of displeasure, and winked at Beth. Looks from strangers were pretty familiar to the Websters.
He released her hand, and wrapped an arm around her, keeping her close to him. "Bethie, after we visit, let's not pick the kids up from your mom's right away. I'll take you out on a date first."
"A date?" She asked. "That's sweet, hon, but I've got a ton of laundry and . . ."
"Baby, laundry can wait. You've been so good to Jill, and working so hard. How about an afternoon just for you?"
They reached Jill's room then and with a gentle knock Terry pushed open the door, but froze as soon as he stepped inside. They hesitated for just a moment, and Terry heard Beth's sharp intake of breath. She slipped out of his arm and quickly set the flowers she'd brought on the nightstand and then went out into the hallway.
Terry remained a beat longer, starring. It had unnerved Beth at first, how comfortable Terry was around Mike and Jill. She'd been surprised that Jill had put up with Terry hanging around so much.
"You ought to give that girl some privacy." She had remarked.
"What? What do you mean?" He'd been genuinely confused. He was always over there - especially after Willie left. It never mattered if they were watching tv or reading the paper, or if Jill was hanging around her bathrobe. He felt at home.
"You are always over there. She might want to kiss her husband from time to time." Beth explained.
"Oh, they don't mind me. She'll kiss him if she wants to." He grinned at her. "And then Mike throws me out. We're like brothers."
He gazed at his brother now, asleep, arms curled protectively around his beloved wife. They looked so peaceful, and Terry shook his head slightly, stepping back and closing the door. Even sound asleep one thing was abundantly clear: Mike and Jill Danko were deeply in love.
He looked up to see Beth waiting for him. She said nothing as he approached which surprised him. He expected to be corrected for butting in on his friends. He looked at her face and saw she was chewing at the corner of her lower lip, her tell-tale sign of stress.
"Hon?" He asked wrapping his arm around her. She buried her face in his chest, clinging tightly to him.
"This better be over." She whispered. "It better be gone." Her voice cracked on the last word and he rubbed gentle circles on her back as she quietly cried. "I couldn't bear it if she . . ."
"Shh. Beth. It's okay, sweetheart. Jill's gonna be fine. You'll see."
"You can't know that! No one does! Just because we want it to be true . . ." Beth said.
"Believe me, baby, she's gonna be alright." He said again, confidently.
"How can you be so sure?" She asked looking up into his eyes.
"Because," He hesitated, unsure that she'd believe him. "I had a dream and . . ." He paused remembering how clear the dream had been and remembering how much it had comforted him. "And I saw Willie, and he promised me she would be just fine. He promised."
She studied him, watching his dark eyes grow bright with tears. He met her gaze, and then blinking away his tears, he smiled at her self-consciously. She reached out with and stretching up on her tiptoes, she pulled him close, kissing him.
"Well, Willie never lied to you when he was alive. I doubt being dead would change things." She smiled up at him.
"I love you, Bethie." He whispered hugging her tightly to his chest, deeply comforted that she understood.
***R***
Late Sunday afternoon, Kate Danko left her younger sisters playing in the backyard and wandered into the kitchen of the Webster home. She found Terry sitting at the table eating his lunch.
"Kate!" He said smiling at her. "You hungry?"
"No. What are you eating?" She asked without really looking.
"Sandwich, but I'll share my pickles with you." He held out a sliced sweet pickle to her.
"Gross!" She said wrinkling her nose in disgust and stepping back. "Pickles are gross!"
"They are?" He looked at her in surprise. "I have always liked them. No one ever told me! I didn't know they were gross." He dropped the pickles back on his plate dramatically. "It's a good thing you are here."
"Uncle Terry." She said irritated, but he just smiled at her.
"Where's everybody else?" He asked.
"Backyard. Aunt Bethie's watching 'em." She said sitting in the chair across from him with a sigh. "When do you think Mommy will come home?"
"I don't know. The doctors think maybe Wednesday." He said setting his lunch down. "I know it's hard, honey, but they want to make sure she is good and strong before they let her come home."
"I know."
He studied her thoughtfully. Her long, brown hair fell over her face and he reached out to push it back so he could see her eyes. The move always made him think of Jill and the way Mike would reach out and push her hair away from her face. He had only known them a few days the first time he'd seen Mike do it, and he'd been shocked by it. It was such a personal and intimate gesture that he had felt like an intruder and had left almost immediately.
"You worrying again?" He asked her.
Beth had found her sitting on the floor of their closet yesterday, breathing rapidly. It had taken the both of them nearly an hour to get her calmed down. Seeing her so frightened had really worried him. Now, he was checking up on her almost constantly.
She shrugged. "I don't know. I just . . .I miss them, I guess. I understand she has to stay, but Daddy said she'd be home and it would all be over. He promised." She swallowed. "Now I sound like Amy. I sound like a baby."
"No, you don't." He scooted his chair closer and put his hand on her arm. "You should be upset. It was pretty upsetting. I'm upset about it. Your Daddy's upset about it. We all expected it to be different. We expected it to be over by now, and she's still in the hospital."
"I thought she was all better, and then Grandpa said she had to stay! I don't think it will ever be all gone. Everytime she goes to the doctor something bad happens. Maybe she just shouldn't go anymore! I don't want her to die." Kate whispered. "If she were dying, you'd tell me, wouldn't you? Please, Uncle Terry. Don't lie to me like I'm a little kid."
Terry swallowed twice, and then pulled her up and onto his lap. She rested her brown head against his shoulder.
"No. She's not dying. In fact, she's feeling so much better she's driving everyone crazy because she wants to be home with you." He kissed her forehead. "I promise, Kate. I would tell you. Your Daddy would, too."
Kate Danko let out a long, slow sigh. "I wish there wasn't any cancer. No one should be sick like Mommy."
"I wish the same thing." Terry said softly.
"Uncle Terry?" Kate asked quietly.
"Yes?"
"My whole life, you'll always be my uncle right? You won't go away will you?"
"They'd have to drag me away." He told her, confused by her worry over this.
"I miss Uncle Willie." She said looking at him.
"Oh, me, too." Terry said finding his voice tight. "He sure loved you and your sisters."
"He used to call us every Saturday and when he came to visit, it was always so much fun. He and Mommy would laugh all the time." She sighed again. "And you laughed more too."
"I did." He agreed. "Your Uncle Willie was my best friend. I miss him alot."
"He would've cheered Mommy up and that would cheer Daddy up. And you, you wouldn't be sad." She said softly. "I just worry sometimes. Before, I didn't really understand that people could be gone, and now it seems. . . I've only got you as my Uncle. You're the only one left."
It was as Terry was struggling to respond to Kate, who had buried her face in his shoulder, that Mike Danko stepped into the Webster house. He followed the sound of voices into the kitchen and found Terry holding Kate on his lap. His eyes grew wide, and his smile faded seeing her. He opened his mouth to speak, but Terry shook his head. Nodding, Mike doubled back into the front room and reentered, this time slamming the door and calling out loudly, "Anybody home?"
When he stepped into the kitchen again, Kate had wiped the tears from her face, and called out, "In here, Daddy!" She smiled up at him, believing that there was no way for him to tell that she'd been crying. He reached down, and even though she was long-legged and nine years old, he lifted her up into his arms, squeezing her tightly.
"Hey, Katie Bug! I missed you tons and tons!" He said kissing her cheek and catching Terry's eyes. Terry sat back in his seat, too worn out from all the emotions and shook his head at Mike.
"Is Mommy home?" She asked leaning back in his arms and looking up at him.
"No, baby, not yet. A few more days. But, if you are really quiet and don't let your sisters know I'm here, I'll smuggle you into her hospital room."
"Oh! Yes!" She started to shout but then caught herself.
"Go wash your face and hands, and find a sweater, okay?" He said kissing her. She jumped down from his arms, and ran down the hall.
"What's going on?" He asked Terry.
"Nothing. Some days are tough. You know." He sighed. "How's Jill?"
"Better. Pissed that they won't let her go home." He sat heavily in a chair. "I'm thinking of taking up a new hobby."
"Yeah, what's that?" Terry asked.
"Drinking." He said with a shake of his head.
"You're thinking of taking up drinking? Listen, Danko, these little girls of yours are beating the crap out of me! I'll join you! It's like have three sweet, little mini-Jill's running around with big eyes! You know I nearly bought Lizzie a puppy yesterday."
"Just wait 'til Jenny's big enough to start using those green eye's on you! You are a doomed man." Mike said squeezing his shoulder.
"Daddy!" Kate said coming back in the room. "Let's go!" She hopped up and down excitedly.
"Gotta go." He said. "I'll come back to tuck everyone in. Tell Beth thanks so much. I can't begin to . . ."
"She's waiting." Terry said pointing at Kate who now stood in the doorway with one hand on her hip.
"Right." Mike said and taking his oldest daughter by the hand led her out to the waiting car.
As they drove toward the hospital, he turned to Kate and asked, "You doing okay?"
"Yes." She answered quickly. "We're being really good."
"That isn't what I meant, darling. I know you are being good - you are good girls. I just meant, are you doing okay?"
"I miss Mommy." She said softly. "I miss our house and I miss Clementine."
"Well, I'm sure Clementine is happy as can be running around Grandpa's without Lizzie pulling on her tail. And Mommy misses you, too. She'll be home soon, and hopefully, she won't have to go back."
"I thought she was all done."
"I know, sweetie. I did too. But," He sighed. "There are some things we can't control. What about Liz and Amy? Are they doing alright?"
"Yep. But Lizzie sleeps with me every night. That way if she wakes up, she isn't scared. It was hard because she kept getting confused. She'd wake up and she couldn't remember if she was at home, or Grandpa's, or Auntie Amanda's or at Uncle Terry and Aunt Beth's."
"Thank you, Kate. You are such a good big sister." He turned into the parking lot and turned the car off. "Now, there's just one thing." She looked up at him with huge brown eyes. "If anyone asks, you'll have to say you are eleven."
"But . . ." She hesitated.
"I know, honey, and lying is wrong, but they won't let little kids in the room. But you miss Mommy and she really, really misses you, so we're gonna lie." He decided to look her straight in the eye while delivering this shocking news. "Do you think you can do that?"
"Yes, Daddy." Her voice was serious.
"I know it will be hard because you've never, ever, ever lied before." He said teasing her.
"Daad." She complained, rolling her eyes at him.
"Especially to your Daddy. You've never, ever, ever, lied to him, right?"
"Can we go now?" She asked, with one hand on the door handle.
He took her by the hand and marched past the nurses station trying to avoid the five million friends who would ask him about Jill. He moved quickly knowing that everyone on the whole floor knew just exactly how old Kate Danko was. He turned the corner, and pushed open the door to Jill's room.
Her eyes were closed, and the room dim.
"She's sleeping." Kate whispered.
"Go wake her up." Mike said giving her a push forward.
"You said to always let Mommy sleep." She said looking up at him with frightened eyes.
"Unless you are sneaking into the hospital for a visit." He said. "That's when you are allowed."
He saw her hesitation and understood her fear. Smiling he reached down and lifted her up, setting her on the bed next to Jill.
"Go on," He urged. "Give her a kiss."
With one last glance at him, Kate leaned close and kissed Jill's cheek.
"Mommy?" She whispered. "Mommy."
Jill's eyes fluttered open, and seeing Kate she pulled her into her arms. "Mary Katherine!" She exclaimed! "I missed you! Oh!" She kissed her again and again, and Mike found himself stumbling backwards into a chair, struck down by pain and joy all at the same time.