(Note: This section will have changing points of view. Just wanted to let you know.)
All Apologies
This is just a general point of view. Tonya isn't telling the story, we're just seeing what's going on at home while Tonya isn't there.
"Eli, have you been able to get a hold of Tonya on her cell phone. I've tried calling her three times but it's just gone to voice mail." Dougie said worried as he walked into the kitchen and took the seat beside Eli.
She looked up from the wedding magazine she was reading and frowned at him. "No, actually I haven't." Dougie placed his hands in his head and sighed.
"Don't worry Dougie, I'm sure she's fine." Eli tried comforting him.
"I just feel so stupid. I shouldn't have tried anything with her until I was sure she was ok with it."
"Dougie don't be so hard on yourself really." Eli placed her hand on his back and began rubbing it. He just pushed her hand away and stood up.
"It's my fault she's gone, and I don't know where she is. She could be hurt or something and I'm the one who probably caused it." He began pacing the room.
"Dougie she's probably just went back home to Flagstaff for a while. I mean she left me a note saying she had to get away for a bit, so she's probably visiting her family."
"I drove her away Eli, this is my fault." Eli sighed heavily and looked at the distressed guy in front of her.
"Dougie, Tonya has had some problems in her life. There's a lot of stuff she doesn't know how to deal with, and when she get's scared she tends to run back to her family. So don't worry, I'm sure everything will be alright." Dougie just looked at her, but then slowly nodded his head.
McFly
Tonya's POV
I put the car into park and killed the engine. The place hadn't changed much since the last time I was here, and that was almost sixteen years ago. The tire swing that my brother and I used to play on was still tied tightly to the tree in the front yard. The porch swing that our grandfather would rock with us on was still up on the old porch looking just as it did the last time I saw it.
My stomach felt like there were bumble bees in it as I grabbed a hold of the door handle and pulled on it. The hot heat hit me as I stepped out of the car. I had to take a deep breath to get my breathing back to a steady pace after I got out.
'Why did I come back?' I asked myself. 'Because you need closure, that's why.' Right, that's what I needed, a little bit of closure.
McFly
Danny wondered upstairs in search of something to do, walking past Dougie's door. He looked in to fine the blonde haired boy lying on his bed with his arm over his eyes. He sighed heavily to himself and walked slowly to the door, knocking on it softly.
"Hey Dougs, mind if I come in?" Dougie just grunted but didn't remove his arm from his head. "Hey man, are you ok?" Danny asked pulling a chair up beside Dougie's bed and sitting in it backwards. Dougie just replied with another grunt, and Danny rolled his eyes.
"Man that girl just pisses me off more and more each day. First she's constantly arguing with me about anything and everything, and now she's gone and made my best mate a total mess. I have a few things I would like to say to her face if she ever decides to show it around here again."
Dougie sat straight up on the bed and glared at Danny. "You won't say anything to her do you hear me. It's my fault she's gone Danny, not hers. I shouldn't have tried to push her any farther than what she wanted to go in the first place."
"Yeah, but Eli said that she always runs back home whenever things get to heavy for her. She's weak Dougie, you don't deserve a girl who's going to run every time she has a problem."
"Well yeah but Eli also said she's had a rough past. So don't go blaming her ok."
"I don't care what you say Dougie, the girl shouldn't treat you this way. She could have left a note at least telling us were exactly she was going, and she could have the decency to call. If she does come back I'm going to tell her exactly how I feel."
"No you won't Danny." Dougie said standing up, but Danny was already at the door.
"You just wait Doug, no one messes with my friend and gets away with it." He said before storming off down the hall.
McFly
My stomach tightened as I climbed the steps up to the porch. I could turn and walk away now, and not have to go through with this, but where would that leave me? Right where I left off, that's where. No, I needed to go through with this. It was time that I confront my past; time that I confront my family.
I lifted my hand slowly and went to knock on the door, but before I could it was thrown open and an elderly looking man stood staring back at me. My throat closed as I stared into his eyes. He had a slight glare in them, but nothing that was too bad.
I took in his appearance. Grey hair and moustache, glasses and a nice button up t-shirt and slacks. He looked so much like the last time I saw him only a few years older. Finally I found a bit of my voice, but was only able to utter a whisper. "Grandpa."
The look on his face changed once he realized who I was. The glare wasn't there anymore, just more of shock. I heard an older woman's voice shouting in the background and listen to see what I could hear.
"Who's at the door Joesph?" Suddenly the door was jerked open the rest of the way and an elderly woman, few years younger than my grandpa stood there. When she saw me her eyes went cold and her voice went harsh. "What are you doing here?"
I couldn't find my voice again. Damn, I had just found it, and now I had to go and lose it again. It was the glare that she was giving me. I hadn't been under those evil eyes in such a long time and the memories of the last time I saw them came flooding back at me. Finally I decided that I wasn't going to let her win this time. I needed closure, and closure was what I was getting here today if it was the last thing I did.
"I need to talk to you. I need you to know what really happened that day. I can't go on like this anymore, you have to talk to me grandmother." My grandmothers eyes became, if possible, even more harsh when I said this. She looked about ready to protest, but then a soft gentle voice spoke up.
"Just let the girl talk Sandra." My grandfather said from beside her. I think my grandmothers eyes bulged out of her head when he said this, and she turned to look at him. She began to protest again, but my grandfather cut her off again with his soft voice. "I think we owe the girl that much."
She began glaring daggers at him, but finally she turned and stomped off to the living room. My grandfather opened the screen door for me and I entered, following my grandmother to the living room.
McFly
"Ugh, why won't she answer her phone." Dougie exclaimed pacing back and forth in the living room. Harry and Eli looked up at him from their spots on the couch, and Danny just glared from the chair.
"Dougie, just try to quit worrying ok. I'm sure she's alright." Eli tried comforting him again, but it was no use. He either didn't want to be comforted, or he was ignoring her.
He pressed a button on the phone again and held it to his ear. When the voicemail picked up he angrily pressed the end button and growled. He walked over to the other chair and plopped down in it.
"I just want to let her know I'm sorry. I need to know she's alright. I never meant to hurt her or anything, honestly."
"Dougie, I'm sure she knows that you didn't mean to hurt her. Please, quit being so hard on yourself."
"Oh yeah, well if she knows that I didn't mean to hurt her, then why hasn't she tried to contact me? Why won't she answer her phone?"
Eli searched for an answer but didn't come up with one. Dougie shot her a look and she just sighed.
McFly
I thought talking with my grandparents just might make things better, but it didn't. An hour later I was still where I began at, but now I had just that much more of a headache.
"Why can't you see that this isn't my fault?" I exclaimed throwing my hands in the air.
"You were the oldest Tonya, it was your duty to protect your brother." My grandmother yelled back. My grandfather placed his hand on her arm to try and calm her, but she just ignored it.
"I was five. I couldn't even protect myself. You know that." I shot her a look, but it did no good. "And why did you just leave me there. For four months you left me there. I was all alone, and I was only five. How could you just forget about your five year old granddaughter?"
"You're no granddaughter of mine." My grandmother spit out icly. "When your mother went off with your father I told her I would never accept her back. I told her that he would break her heart, and that's what he did. However when she showed back up at our door less than a year later with you in her arms, I only let her back into this house because Joseph made me. But I told her from day one that you would never be my grandchild, and I vowed that you never would be. She promised me that she would marry as soon as she could, and she did, taking you along with her."
"You're a heartless old hag." I shot at her. She stood up pointing a bony finger at me, but my grandfather stood up beside her grabbing her arm and lowering it.
"Maybe you should just go Tonya." His voice wasn't as gentle as before, but he was trying as much as he could to be the nice one.
"You know what, I don't know why I even thought I could ever get any closure out of you two. You two are nothing but a bunch of hypocrites." My grandmother looked shocked.
"How dare you. What makes you call us hypocrites." I smiled an evil smile at her then looked at the wall and the picture of Jesus hanging above the fireplace.
"You call yourselves Christians, but you're not Christians. Far from it." I snatched up my purse and stormed towards the door. "I hope you both rot in hell." I yelled before storming outside and out to my car. I jumped in and slammed the door shut, banging my head on the steering wheel as tears rolled down my cheeks. After a few minutes of crying I looked into the rear view mirror and wiped my eyes. Then I got out my keys, started the car and put it into reverse. I looked up one last time before backing out of the driveway to see my grandfather standing at the door. His expression was one of a hurt man, but I just hardened my heart at him. 'Fuck him, and fuck the rest of his family.' I thought before pulling out of the driveway and heading back to my real home. The last thing I saw of my old home was a sign that said 'Now leaving New Mexico, hope you had a great visit!'
McFly
I took a deep breath and slowly let it out. I had found myself outside the guys' door. This was something I had to do, and it was now or never. Slowly I raised my hand and knocked on the door. Nothing. I waited a few more seconds then knocked again.
"I'm coming, I'm coming." I heard a male voice shout from the other side of the door. Suddenly it was thrown open and the shadow of a tall dark haired Danny was cast upon me. When he finally focused on who was standing there his eyes became dark and his face became hard. "What are you doing here?" He asked coldly.
"Danny please, just let me in." My voice was so small. I felt so afraid and ashamed just by the way he was looking at me.
"Why should I?" He stood rooted to where he was and I made no notion to move passed him.
"I need to talk to Dougie. Please Danny." My eyes pleaded with him along with my voice. But his cold blue eyes just cut right through me. He was not going to let me in.
"No, you just need to leave now. You can't just come back here expecting everything to be alright and for us to welcome you back after what you did to Dougie. You just need to leave and never show your fucking face around here again." He slammed the door in my face and I winced when it shut. Tears began to sting my eyes, but I wasn't leaving yet.
"Please Danny I need to explain. Let me explain before you go shutting me out." I pounded on the door with my fist.
It swung open again and Danny was still there. If looks could really kill I would have already been dead. "Leave now before I fucking call security." He slammed the door again, louder than the last time. But before he did I saw Eli and the rest of the guys come into the room. Tears began to pour from my eyes.
I heard a loud commotion from behind the door before it was jerked open a third time revealing Eli. As soon as I saw her I fell right into her arms sobbing. She wrapped her arms around me, softly stroking my hair and whispering to me that it was alright. In the distance I heard another door slam and loud music begin to blare. Eli pulled me inside and into Harry's bedroom. She sat down on the bed and held onto me until I calmed down enough to speak.
"I'm so sorry Eli; I didn't mean to upset everyone. I swear. I just couldn't…"
"Shh, shh it's alright." She rubbed my back softly. I sat up and looked her in the eyes. My eyes were all puffy and blurry, but I could see the kindness and understanding in her eyes.
"I went back Eli." She looked at me confused.
"Back where honey?" Her voice was so much softer and kinder than Danny's.
"To New Mexico." Her eyes went wide.
"Oh honey." She enveloped me with a hug as a few more tears ran silently down my cheeks.
"I had to. I had to get it over with. When Dougie and I…I had to forget the past."
"Tonya, what happened between you and Dougie?" Just thinking about what I did made me cry harder. Eli took it as I didn't want to talk about it. "Oh honey, you don't have to tell me, I'm sorry I shouldn't have asked."
"No, no it's alright. I just feel so horrible. You see," I breathed out heavily; I could do this. "Dougie and I were making out on the couch when things began to get really heavy. We were getting closer Eli, closer to doing something I haven't done in forever." I closed my eyes as a flashback of that day came rushing to my head. "As he was kissing me I had a flashback…a flashback of when…" The air became thick and my throat closed. I couldn't talk about it. I only ever told her once, but I didn't go into too much detail and I never told her what 'he' did to me…what my step-father did to me.
"What? A flashback of what honey?" She looked at me with a mixture of concern and confusion.
"…Of when my step-father raped me." Eli's eyes went wide and she just stared at me in shock. Then I saw something that looked like pity flash across her face as she reached out to hug me. I jumped up quickly and moved away from her. I didn't want to feel her pity, it made me feel worse.
"That's why I left Eli. I thought I had pushed my past behind me and moved on; but I guess I didn't. And now, whenever I try to get intimate with a boy I'm going to be haunted by what happened to me. So I thought if maybe I went back home and confronted my family about what happened then maybe it would all go away. I really didn't mean to hurt Dougie, really."
"Tonya, you confused Dougie more than you hurt him. Yes he was hurt that you left without saying anything, but he was afraid he hurt you. The poor guy has been worried sick that he did something wrong."
"No Eli it wasn't his fault." I sat down on the bed and put my head in my hands. "Man, I've made a mess of everything."
"It's alright." She came over to me and put her arm around my shoulders. "You need to talk to Dougie; tell him why you left."
"No I can't, he'll think I'm dirty."
"No he won't. Dougie would never think of you like that. You need to talk to him." She was right; I did need to talk to him. "Do you want me to send him in?" I nodded my head slowly and a few seconds later I heard the door shut behind her.
The room suddenly became too quiet. The silence was becoming too much as I waited. I kept telling myself I could do it, but my body wanted to jump up and run. A few minutes later I heard the door open and close quietly. I looked up and saw Dougie standing with his back to the door, staring at me.
I stood up and starred back at him for what seemed like a while. Then finally I whispered out his name and ran to him. He welcomed me with open arms and I hugged him closely crying into his shoulder.
"I'm so sorry Dougie. I am, really." He just repeated Eli's motions earlier of stroking my hair and telling me it was alright. After a few minutes of standing there in that embrace I pulled away and kissed Dougie on the cheek.
"There's something that I need to tell you." Dougie looked at me worried, but I just lead him over to the bed. "It has to do with the other day, but it's not exactly that." I held his hands lightly in mine. I could tell he was searching my face for some kind of clue, but he didn't find anything.
"Listen, there's something you should know about my past. Only Eli knows this but she just found out the whole story today."
He nodded his head at me; so I went on. "Dougie I grew up in a foster home. When I was five my step-father killed my mother, then he killed my younger brother and then he…he raped and tried to kill me." Dougie's face was enveloped in shock. He just stared at me wide eyed not able to say anything. "That's why when we were making out the other day I ran away quickly. I had a flashback of that night. It was a memory I thought I had erased, but I guess it was still there. I'm sorry I hurt you and I'm sorry I ran away like that. I was just scared and confused. I never meant to hurt you, really." Dougie still didn't say anything and I began to get afraid. 'I knew he would think I'm dirty. He hates me, I know it!' My mind screamed at me.
"Dougie," Tears started to form again. "Please say something." He looked confused at me a moment, but as soon as the tears fell he snapped out of whatever daze he was in and grabbed me into a hug.
"Oh Tonya I'm so sorry. I didn't know…I didn't mean to…oh I feel so bad. If I would have known I never would have tried anything without making absolutely sure that it was ok first. I'm so sorry."
I pulled away from him and looked at him serious. "Dougie no, this isn't your fault; don't you blame yourself. Don't you even think that this was any bit your fault." He looked like he was about to protest but I put my finger to his lips. "I mean it Dougie." He nodded his head and grabbed my hand in his, rubbing his thumb over it. Then he leaned in and kissed me on the cheek and whispered in my ear "But I'm still sorry."
He rested his head on my forehead and stared into my eyes for a few minutes. Then he looked away. "So uh, where does this leave us?" He asked. I was afraid of this question.
"Um…well I think we should take a break from each other right now. I just feel like I wouldn't make a great girlfriend at the moment, and you need someone who can do that for you."
Dougie was silent a bit then he nodded his head. "Yeah, even though I still love you, I think that maybe it would be a good idea to take a break. However…"
I raised my eyebrow. "What?"
"However I want us to go back to being the friends we were before we got together."
"I think I could do that." He smiled and I smiled back and then leaned over to give him one last kiss on the lips. "Friends?"
I smiled. "Friends."
I sighed really heavily and sat back. "What's wrong?" Dougie asked me.
"I need to tell the rest of the guys."
Dougie nodded in agreement. "Well I'll be right there with you." I smiled warmly at him then grabbed his hand.
"Well then let's go."
McFly
Tom, Harry and Eli were setting on the couch while Dougie went to get Danny. Tom and I made eye contact and he smiled at me.
"Glad you're back Tonya."
"Yeah, it's good to see you back." Harry chimed in. I smiled politely at them both and said a quiet 'Thank you.' At least they were talking to me.
Dougie entered the room with Danny not far behind him. He stomped into the room and sat on the couch beside Tom not even making eye contact with me. For some reason I felt a pain in my heart at how cruel he was acting.
Dougie came over and sat beside me on the arm of the chair and put his arm around me. When he did Danny made a disgusted sound, but continued to look away. I took a deep breath trying to ready myself for this and I heard Dougie whisper 'Go on,' in my ear.
Clearing my throat, I began. "I um…I asked you guys to come here because there's something I needed to tell you." I looked at each of the guys. Harry and Tom looked concerned, but Danny still refused to look at me. "When I was five years old I was asleep in my room that I shared with my brother. We heard noises coming from the living room so we went to the door to see what was going on. I opened the door slowly and saw my mom laying on her back on the floor and my step dad, my brothers real dad, standing over her with a knife. The knife had blood on it: her blood." Danny had turned to look at me now and Tom, Harry and Eli all looked horrified.
"My brother and I ran to hid. But eventually he found us. He grabbed my brother first and as I tried to make him let go he knocked me out. I don't really remember much of what happened after that, but I woke up two months later in a hospital." Everything from that night kept coming back to me. I tried to push the visions away but it wasn't working. I closed my eyes and breathed out heavily. Dougie was rubbing my back trying to sooth me. I went on. "I found out that my step-dad had killed my mother and brother; and after…raping me…he tried to kill me."
Tom gasped and Harry shook his head. Eli snuggled closer to Harry looking ready to cry. I felt Dougie wrap his arms protectively around me as I made eye contact with Danny: nothing. He didn't have one hint of emotion on his face. He just starred at me blankly.
"I didn't remember the rape, so it didn't have that much of an effect on me. I was five and I didn't know what sex or rape was so it just didn't effect me like it probably would have. Over time I just pushed the thoughts away, so I wouldn't have to deal with them anymore. But the other day when Dougie and I were making out, I had a flashback of what happened that day. It was the first one I had from when I was raped, so it scared me and I just ran. I know I should have told you guys, but I was afraid. I was afraid you would think I was dirty and I couldn't bare that." Eli wiped a few tears out of the way and Harry comforted her. I realized that I too was crying and wiped a few tears away.
"Tonya we would never think you are dirty." Tom said leaning forward and wiping away the rest of my tears.
"Yeah, you are far from dirty." Dougie said close to my ear.
"Something else I should tell you is that my family, my grandparents, wanted nothing to do with me. I had no idea who my real father was so I had nowhere to go. I grew up in foster care, and for eight years I was shuffled from home to home. Then when I was thirteen I arrived at Hatties place. She was an older woman, but she was full of love. She became my mother and I lived there with my foster brother Jason, who was two years older than me and Asha, my foster sister who's two years younger than me. It was the happiest place I had been to in a while."
The room was silent. No one said anything. I looked over at Danny again but he just looked away. I felt another pang in my heart at this, but pushed it aside.
"I don't want your pity, so please, don't pity me."
"Well," Tom began. "I do want to say that I'm sorry for what you have gone through and since you don't want our pity we won't give it to you. And I'm sorry for being mad at you for leaving."
"Yeah me too." Harry added in. "We just hope you can forgive us for being mad."
I laughed lightly. "Only if you can forgive me."
"Agreed." They all said together. We all laughed, well all except Danny who got up and stormed out of the room. I watched him go, hurt.
"Well I guess not everyone can forgive me." Eli sensed how much it hurt me to see Danny leave.
"Don't worry Tonya, he'll come around in his own time." I kept looking at where he once was thinking, 'I hope he does.'
McFly
Eli was staying with Harry again that night and I didn't want to be by myself so the boys offered their couch to me. After giving me a hug and a quick kiss on the cheek they all went to their respective rooms. Dougie was the last to go.
"If you need anything just let me know ok."
"I will, and Dougie, thanks for being such a great friend."
He smiled and kissed me on the forehead. "Always." Then he went up to his room. I lay down on the couch and tried to go to sleep. Two hours later I was still lying awake. Something was bothering me, but I just didn't know what.
Deciding that I wouldn't fall asleep anytime soon, I rolled off of the couch and walked into the kitchen for a glass of water. I sat down at the table and saw a picture of all of us hanging on the fridge from the first time we hung out almost two years ago. It was very obvious that Harry and Eli fancied each other in the picture. Instead of looking at the camera they were looking at each other. I was so lost in though that when someone entered the kitchen it scared me and I jumped. I looked up to see Danny standing there in his boxers and his hair all a mess.
He stopped when he saw me and just stared. I stared back unable to say anything. I thought I saw something flicker in his eyes, but he hid it quickly. He broke our gaze by walking over to the fridge and taking out the carton of orange juice. Without getting a glass he opened the carton and took a drink from it, and then he sat down at the table across from me.
Neither of us spoke. I didn't know what to say and he seemed to find the carton fascinating. Then when I thought the silence would be too much he spoke. His voice was so soft that I almost didn't hear him.
"I'm sorry." I don't think I had ever heard Danny's voice like this. Well maybe when he was talking to his 'girlfriend' for the night but never directed towards me. I didn't know what to say. He rendered me speechless with two words. Two words I thought I'd never hear Danny Jones say. I looked up at him and we made eye contact. Just by looking in his eyes I saw that he really meant what he said. He didn't say anything else, his eyes told me everything. That 'I'm sorry' wasn't just for him being an ass, it was for everything. He was apologizing for what happened to me, for how he treated me since he met me and for everything he said when I came back and even while I was away. After staring at each other a few more minutes he got up, closed the juice carton, put it back in the fridge and headed out of the kitchen. When he got to the door I spoke softly.
"I'm sorry too." He stopped but didn't turn around. I saw him nod his head slightly and continue on out of the kitchen. I stared at where he had been standing until I heard his bedroom door close then I got up and went to put my glass in the sink and then went back to the couch. As soon as my head hit the pillow I was asleep.