He loses himself in the monotony of Arcturus, the packed halls and comfort of living and breathing a military life, not even the civilian aspects of the Citadel to distract him.

Kaidan thrives under it. He never did like the layout of Arcturus, the cramped halls too much like Brain Camp, and the emptiness of space outside the windows a stark reminder of the view from Jump Zero. But the pace is just right for him, the command structure, the way he can shut his brain down and just do the job in front of him, whether it's taking some of the newer biotic ensigns under his wing, or paperwork for the brass. It helps quell the rumors about his reassignment, too, and soon no one even remembers he was assigned under Shepard if he is careful to not bring her up in conversation.

The memory of her haunts him in his sleeping hours, somehow the last night they spent together making it worse, not better. He can scarcely sleep for imagining her naked beneath him, her smiles, even her bark when she's angry.

The Kilmanjaro's captain, Hannah Shepherd (no relation, Shepard had once prissily corrected to his amusement one day when he and Ash had made the mistake of asking,) is vetting crew for her new tour out to the borders of Council space and he works hard to get himself on the short list, hoping against hope that the small black mark on his record that says 'Shepard' and 'serious breach of protocol' escapes her notice or care.

He follows news of the Normandy's exploits rabidly, desperate for any news on her. Every time he hears about another disappearance of a ship in the Terminus, he irrationally fears it will be her.

There are murmurs in the scuttlebutt of the disappearances, but the Brass is quick to silence it. Kaidan wonders what's going on, who the ghost ship is that stalks craft out there and why. It's like they're searching for someone or something.

Joker comms him occasionally, keeping him informed but extracting the promise that if he ever tells Shepard he was babbling then he'll break Kaidan's legs somehow. Maybe even airlock him if he has to, creaky bones vs. a trained marine's bulk and all.

"I believe you," Kaidan laughs. "You'd find some way to do it."

"Damn right I would," Joker snarks. "I'm more scared of Shepard than I am of you and I like my balls, thank you very much. She'd twist them off if she knew I was tattling on her to you. Your name is bad news around here."

"Thanks, Joker," he says sarcastically.

"Hey, no prob, man."

He solemnly swears never to tell Shepard and accepts whatever anecdote Joker has about his day. It's through Joker that Kaidan learns that Garrus went back to C-SEC and only Tali and Liara were left on the ship from the old crew, minus Chakwas and Joker. Pressly was reassigned to another ship, his position as whistleblower enough for the brass to move him on.

Shepard hadn't been happy about that. She had never been angry with him for his part in their downfall, as he was only doing his job. Kaidan didn't blame him either. In his position he would have done the same.

"Is Shepard alright?" Kaidan asks. "Things have changed a lot lately. She'll be missing Garrus."

"Ha, yeah. That's hilarious. I think he was trying to put moves on her."

Kaidan blinks, staring dumbly at his comm. "What? Garrus? Really? But he's a turian…"

"I know, right? No, I think ole' Garrus has it pretty bad for her," Joker sing-songs. "Maybe he likes the human ladies, all their soft, squishy parts. Totally kinky. Can see it in his eyes."

"Joker…" he warns.

"Hey, I'm just telling the truth. I bet if you looked at his omni-tool you would find some interesting extranet vids."

Kaidan chooses his next words carefully. "Was she… I mean, he's an alien. There's no regs. Was she, you know, uh…?"

"Reciprocal?" Joker laughs. "No, she's actually oblivious. You're cool, man."

"Oh," he breathes, trying not to sound too relieved. "I mean, she has a right to move on. I'd be happy for them. They'd be a good couple, I guess."

Joker bursts into peals of laughter. "Oh boy! You'll have to try that one again; I don't think a single soul in the galaxy would believe you. My hat didn't, and my hat doesn't even have a brain."

He sighs. "I was just worried about her, alright."

"Why don't you ask her yourself?" Joker snipes. "Oh that's right. I forgot. You got caught with your pants down around your ankles and you guys aren't speaking. Awkward."

Kaidan growls, not in the mood for his ill-humor. "Joker, thanks for that. Really."

"Alright, man. I'm sorry. Geez. Bad timing. I know the break-up's raw. I shouldn't have joked about that."

Kaidan rubs his forehead, shifting on the bench in Arcturus' auditorium as soldiers mill around, just going about their lives. He wishes things were that simple for him again. "It's alright. Sorry. I'm just touchy."

"Yeah, I hear ex-girlfriends will do that to a guy."

"Yeah."

"Shepard's alright, I guess. Hella cranky, but you know her. She's always like that. I made one crack yesterday about something stupid and she totally lost it at me."

Kaidan frowns, taking a sip of the disgusting coffee he had grabbed from the officer's mess. "What was it about? Shepard usually has reasons."

"Oh there was something in the news about those Sand babies on Earth," Joker says casually and Kaidan can just picture him shrugging in his pilot's seat, his ever-present cap perched on his head and that smirk on his face.

"Sand babies?"

"Yeah, you know. That's the nickname for them when their mothers are addicted to Red Sand while pregnant. They're born all strung out and shit. Break their own limbs with biotics from the drugs in their system. Half of them are, you know, not right in the head. Big thing in the news lately. They're trying to crack down on the Sand whores and all that in the slums."

"Joker…" Kaidan groans. "You didn't call them Sand whores did you? To her face? Or Sand babies?"

"Yeah, so? They kinda are?"

"You're an idiot," Kaidan snarls, suddenly furious with Joker's insensitivity. "Seriously. You know Shepard's mom was a drug addict, right? Who beat her? Shepard's brother was a 'Sand baby'. But Shepard didn't give up on him and he grew up to be a nice little kid. She practically raised him…. Until he died and broke Shepard's heart. You making fun of that was probably like punching her in the face."

There's a pause on the comm.

"I… didn't know, man," Joker says, sounding shocked. "Jesus Christ. I'm sorry. She was hit?"

"Yeah," Kaidan says gently. "She doesn't like to talk about that, so don't bring it up. You know how her arm is busted? She keeps breaking it?"

"Yeah, it's almost as bad as mine. I always wondered what the deal was."

"It happens when it's broken in two places with a crowbar and left to heal by itself, only reset by the Alliance years later. And that was just the last break in a string of many. It's her dominant hand, so it was always the one she tried to shield herself with."

There's another longer pause. "Fuck, man. I had no idea. She's always so… casual, you know? She acts so cocky sometimes."

"You don't walk around with abuse written on your forehead, Joker. Believe me. There's a lot more to Shepard than you'd think."

"I'm really sorry. I never would have made that crack if I knew…"

"Maybe you should say sorry to her instead," Kaidan says, draining the last of his coffee with a queasy feeling in his stomach. It's the feeling that always comes to him when he starts thinking about what Shepard had told him, how she'd ran his hand down her arm and told him to feel the bumps, a smirk on her face that played at pride for surviving her wounds but just looked scared and empty to him.

"I already apologized yesterday, though I wasn't really sure why. She got really mad at me. The rest of the crew hid from her for the rest of the day. She's cool now. Even came and same sorry for losing her temper. Man… I don't know…"

"What?"

Joker breathes a deep sigh, sounding sincere for once. "If I'm totally honest… she's not too great lately. All skinny looking and paler than normal. I'm- well I might be worried. A little."

"She's just stressed," he replies, hoping that his words are true and she's not taking the breakup worse than him. Despite Joker's teasing, Kaidan half wishes she would move on with someone better than him, just so she's happy and not lonely like she confessed she was before Kaidan.

"Yeah, maybe," Joker sighs. "Got that whole geth hunt going on that's going exactly ass backwards nowhere. She's mad as fuck at the Council. Guess I wasn't helping things yesterday."

"Probably not."

"Look, I gotta run. I think she's coming up here. We're heading to Alchera's quadrant tomorrow. I'll touch base with you in a few days."

"Right. Look, Joker, tell her I-"

The comm cuts out and Kaidan's left staring at it, suddenly glad he didn't have a chance to let his mouth or emotions run away from him. Separation's best for them. She's doing OK. She's moving on as best she can and he doesn't want to ruin it, despite the pounding of his lovesick heart that demands he do anything to have her take him back.

Kaidan's at lunch the next day, going over his transfer papers for the Kilimanjaro, thrilled he made the cut. With the prestige of working on the dreadnought maybe he can sweep the stigma of frat reg breaking under the carpet and jump-start his career again. No more fraternizing. No more dreams, risks, chances and mutinies. It's time to put away all the fantasies he had and go back to the old Kaidan Alenko before he met Shepard, the one who worked hard and was happy with his lot in life, who never did the things he did with her and made his way steadily through the ranks. That guy always did the right thing, the sensible thing.

He wasn't a particularly happy guy, but then again, neither is the Kaidan he is now, sitting in a cafeteria and mooning after the woman who dumped him two months ago.

He pokes at his steak sandwich, frowning at the soggy bread and ignoring another email on his 'tool from his mother. He doesn't know what to say to her. Sick with love on shore leave, he'd promised to bring his new girlfriend home to meet her on Earth.

Looking back, he just feels stupid for moving so quickly. He and Shepard were such a fragile thing and it was foolish to pin so much pressure on her so soon.

"Hey, man."

Kaidan glances up to see a hulking marine in front of him, a familiar scarred face.

"James," he greets. "What's up?"

James Vega sinks into the seat across from him, looking far too large for the spindly cafeteria seats. His shirt looks like it's barely restraining his massive biceps and Kaidan has to grin. He knows he's just showing off for the female marines and could actually find a properly fitting shirt if he tried.

James is a surprise new friend for Kaidan, a chance meeting only happening because they bunked in the same dorm block, their doors opposite each other. Kaidan had initially dismissed James as another jarhead only interested in muscles and crude jokes, but living so closely packed together and working out in the station's gym had revealed a softer side to the meaty marine, and they had become friends of a sort.

It's weird, and he admits the slightly codependent nature of it, but James reminds him in a way of Shepard. All bluster and bravado, but if he digs a little deeper Kaidan can see the deep well-spring of hurt and shitty childhood underneath the act. He fancies himself an expert on what a boy who is hit for months on end looks like when he grows into a man. Kaidan sees the shadows in the corners of his eyes that match his own.

James is one of the nicest guys Kaidan has ever met and he can't help but think Shepard would have loved him. He wishes she was here.

Kaidan never told him anything personal, never talked about Shepard or the circumstances of his sudden reassignment to Arcturus, but he thought James heard the scuttlebutt anyway and didn't deign to judge him. Kaidan respected that, and the two often had lunch together while James picked his brains over command issues, being only a 2nd Lieutenant to Kaidan's Staff Lieutenant.

"Nothing," James answers, sighing. "Bored. I want an assignment already. I want to go shoot something or blow it up. Anything but this."

"You'll get one. You just need to be patient."

James unwraps a massive sandwich and takes a bite, chewing noisily.

"Hey, man, I know you don't wanna talk about it…" James starts with a furtive grin, spitting flecks of lettuce all over the table. "But I heard you were, uh, friends with Commander Shepard."

"Yeah. I served on her ship," he answers warily. "What about her?"

"What's she like? I mean, in battle."

Kaidan raises his eyebrows. "In a fight? You don't mean personally?"

James smiles. "Well, I know you don't wanna talk about her and that's cool. I just wanna hear a kickass story about her. She's tiny, you know? Little chica like that… wouldn't think she'd kick so much ass." His eyes slant to Kaidan's. "Damn hot though. I've seen the vids."

Kaidan actually laughs. "Oh, Jimmy. That 'chica' could take you down blindfolded and with her hands tied behind her back. She's amazing in a fight. She would kick your ass three ways to Sunday if you ever said that to her face. You've never see anything like her. The closest thing I can compare her to is one of those professional ballerinas back on Earth."

James sits back, looking unimpressed.

Kaidan shakes his head. "No. Not the waifish ones. The ones who are so strong they can carry their whole weight on their big toe. She's so graceful. But in your face, you know? She never gives an inch and she expects anyone else in her team to be right up there with her, giving their all. I never improved so much in my biotics as I have with her. She taught me things I never dreamed of."

James grins slyly. "I heard she taught you a lot more than that."

Kaidan shutters. "Rumors that you should pay no attention to, Lieutenant."

The coldness in his voice alarms James.

"Hey, man. Sorry. I didn't mean to pry or anything. I was just curious, thought we were buds and all."

Kaidan shakes his head. "Sorry. She's off-limits."

"Alright, man. I get you. I think we all have a girl like that somewhere."

The call wakes him that night, as if finally speaking about her aloud to someone summoned her from his dreams. He sits bolt upright, confused for a moment where he is, half expecting Shepard to be lying beside her, the dark of her cabin holding all their secrets.

The noise of the comm is shrill and he blinks, half asleep as he answers, not even looking at who is calling. He thinks perhaps it's his mother, unthinking of time zones again. He kept telling his dad to talk to her about that after the last call at 3am.

A quiet voice doesn't even bother to say hello before she begins speaking.

"Kaidan, please. We made a mistake. I need to talk to you."

It's not his mother but Shepard, and Kaidan is suddenly wide awake.

She sounds snuffly, as if she's been crying.

His heart breaks all over again, here in his scratchy bunk, packed on Arcturus like a bird with its wings clipped, separated from the only other little bird that would fly so well with him.

"Shepard, we're not supposed to be speaking," he says heavily, regret in every word. "I have to ship out with the Kilimanjaro in the morning. I can't do this."

There's a long pause in which she does nothing but breathe, the sounds harsh.

He toys with the buttons on the comm, the words bitter on his tongue.

I miss you, I love you.

She whispers it, so softly he can barely hear, and in a rush, as if saying the words quickly might magically make them untrue or less devastating.

"I-I think I'm pregnant. Actually, I don't think, I know I am. I don't know what to do. I can't hide it from the crew anymore. Chakwas knows."

The world falls out beneath him, his breath suddenly too loud in his tiny dorm. The tap he left on a little to stifle the silence of deep space drips, drips, drips. I know I am. I-I think I'm pregnant.

The word is heavy, so heavy he can't see around the other side of it, can't absorb what she's saying. He doesn't understand. How can she be pregnant? They broke up. They said their goodbyes. He's trying to pick himself up and move on.

Somewhere distantly, he knows full-well how she can be pregnant, so many light-years from him, alone on her warship but for Joker and Chakwas. She wouldn't trust Tali or Liara enough to confide in them. In a closed-off, logical part of his brain that hears and understands her words, Kaidan considers that maybe they weren't as responsible as they could have been and now she is paying the price for his slip of judgment.

Shepard barrels on, speaking too quickly for him to catch some words. "She keeps threatening to tell someone if I don't make a decision and take myself off active duty. She says… she says that I'm fairly far along already. It was shore leave, if my math is right."

She lowers her voice even further so he has to strain to hear.

"You know… when it happened. But you know me, my math is never right. It could have been any time. We had a lot of sex, as far back as Ilos even. Who knows? Could have gotten monumentally unlucky the first go. Oh god, we were so stupid!" She gives a panicked laugh, clearly beside herself. "I'm fat, for fuck's sake. I've never been fat. I don't look good fat. I keep thinking the whole crew knows when they look at me, that they're laughing at me. My new XO keeps wondering why I have to keep relieving myself from the CIC to go spew. I hate him."

Kaidan stares at a crease in his blankets and bemoans Arcturus' laundry service.

"It's yours," she adds lamely onto the end after an awkward pause, the silence oppressive. He thinks that he's making a mess of this whole thing but doesn't know what to say to her, to take the panic from her voice. "I mean, obviously. I wasn't fucking anyone else. I mean, Jesus."

He can just picture her so clearly, running her hand through her hair in that nervous gesture of hers and fiddling with her dog tags, maybe pressing a shaky hand to her mouth.

"Yeah. OK. I just spent half the night puking and I have to get up in an hour to check out shit and I don't know. I had to call you. I haven't slept for days. I'm alone."

His brain metaphorically packs its bags, dips its hat and catches the next shuttle into burning Sol to be fried to a crisp.

"What?" he blurts.

"I'm scared," she whispers. "My career… they'll know it's yours. We fucked up. It's all the ammo they need." She swears suddenly but he barely hears it, his heart stopped. "I need to do something about it… but I don't know-"

"What?" he repeats, his whole career crashing down and everything he ever thought he knew about his life and them changed forever.

"Can you fucking say anything other than 'what'?! I was on birth control! I don't know how this happened," she snaps, angry beyond reason. He actually jumps from the change in her tone, holding the omni-tool away from him. "I blame you, you know, and your stupid sperm."

"Shit, Shepard, give a guy a chance to process," he babbles. "You just called me in the middle of the night to tell me you were pregnant! My brain is a little scrambled."

"Your brain. Your brain? What about my brain?!" she yells and he thinks he deserves it but can't stop his verbal diarrhea and how he seems to keep making things worse.

"I can't keep anything down anymore. I've lost 20 pounds but somehow that doesn't help my armor at all. I've been sick as a fucking vorcha after dairy and I've somehow been trying to move on from the most painful breakup of my life and then I'm smacked in the face with this! You do realize Anderson will literally kill me, right? He went to bat for me and it was bad enough I had an affair with my LT but to be so brain-dead stupid as to get knocked up along with it… You can kiss your balls goodbye, by the way," she adds snidely.

"Anderson loves you," he says absently, rubbing his eyes to try and make the world make sense. "You're exaggerating. He'll be pissed probably, but you know he's on your side."

The hiss of breath on the other end of the line tells him he just said something monumentally stupid.

"'Exaggerating'?" she asks dangerously, a sinuous note to her voice like a snake coiled to strike. Kaidan smacks himself in the forehead.

"Is that what you think? That's I'm imagining all this shit? That I had to lie there, have Chakwas examine me, which is really not pleasant, let me tell you, and have my doctor tell me that she can't condone me continuing to go on missions, scold me like a teenager, look me in the eyes and know exactly whose baby it is and how badly I fucked up? Do you have any idea how embarrassing this is for me?"

"No, Shepard," he soothes. "No, of course not. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I just meant that Anderson will come around. Just calm down, you're going to make yourself sick."

"You bet your ass I'm upset. I don't want this baby, Kaidan. I don't know why I even told you."

Alarm sets his heart racing. "Shepard, you don't mean…?"

She lowers her voice again, her raging running out. "I-I've thought about it. This… thing is all I've been able to think of for the past week since Chakwas told me. I've been working up the courage to call you. Tonight I just snapped, I guess."

Her breath's a little choked and he pictures her sitting in her bed, maybe in one of his old shirts, maybe in her bra and panties, her face red and puffy, or maybe deathly pale and pinched. He doesn't know what would be worse.

What is worse is that his traitorous mind conjures images of a gentle, barely-there swell where once there was only smooth muscle.

Something weird twists in his chest.

"Are you crying?"

"N-No," she answers, clearly crying.

"Oh, sweetheart… We can work this out." He rubs his hand at his eyes so hard he sees white stars burst in the darkness. "We can."

"Don't call me that, K-Kaidan," she hiccups. "Chakwas said… she said there was still time to fix it, if I wanted. That time's running out, but she can still just do it in the med bay. I missed periods, Kaidan, not just one, but I didn't notice because I was so busy and I thought it was just the pill because I skip them sometimes anyway. It's really getting too late but I-I told her no. That I wanted to talk to you. I'm scared. I don't know what I want. All I know is that… that this isn't what I planned and I don't know what to do next."

His brain races. "Please, can we talk about this? Can you come to Arcturus?"

"I thought you were shipping out to the Kilimanjaro tomorrow?"

"Shit!" he curses their timing. "I am. Fuck. We need to talk, Shep. Please don't make any decisions yet. I want to be there for you. Whatever…" He takes a deep breath. "Whatever you decide I'll be there, OK? I'll come with you to the procedure if that's what you want."

She's definitely crying now, not even bothering to hold back. "You're not mad? You'd be OK with it if I had an abortion?"

"I want you to be safe and happy, Shepard. That's what matters to me."

"OK," she says more to herself than him. "Alright. OK. I can handle this. We need to talk when I can get back to Arcturus or the Citadel. I won't do anything but try and hold it together."

"How much time to you have left, Shep?" he asks, his heart aching for what he means, what exactly he is asking.

"… I don't know. Chakwas was talking so quickly and I was just kind of… numb and shocked."

"Listen, no matter what happens, you need to take care of yourself, alright? Forget about me if it comes right down to it. Do what's best for you."

"D-Do you want… this, Kaidan?" she asks in the smallest and most quavering voice he has ever heard from her. "I mean, honestly. Don't just tell me what I want to hear or what you think you should say. No bullshit. I won't let it affect me. I just want to know. Give me a straight answer."

He pauses. "Yeah," he coughs, his tongue dry and seemingly stuck in his throat. "I… care about you. A lot. It's part of… Look, I don't want to influence your decision."

She breathes out in a rush. "I… thought… Well, I wasn't sure what I thought. I don't know."

"You sound tired. You should rest. Everything's going to be OK, I promise you. No matter what. You're not in this alone."

She's calmed a little when she answers after a long bout of silence. "Thanks, Kaidan. I feel like I'm going to vomit my organs out, I can't stop crying or wanting to murder people and I really still kind of want to crush your balls, but I feel a little better. I-I… well, you know."

"I know. Me, too. So much," he chokes out, wetness on his cheeks.

"I need to go. Sleep. Pretend I'm a functional human being. I'll talk to you later."

"Take care, Shep. I-"

The comm cuts out and Kaidan lies back down on his bed mechanically, staring into the darkness.

"Holy shit," he breathes to no one. "I'm going to be a dad."

He remembers Shepard's fearful, angry voice, all the doubts about their future and shakes his head. He might not be a dad. He might not be anything more than some man who ruined her life, who caused her nothing but pain.

He rolls over, pulling the covers up to his chin and paging through his omni-tool until he comes to a picture of her smiling crookedly. His thumb traces the curve of her cheek.

It takes a long time for sleep to return to him.