Kaidan mills in the docking area of the Kilimanjaro, waiting for boarding permission the next day. His stomach keeps doing weird flip flops, nervous in the knowledge that out there in the galaxy Shepard carries his baby, possibly even while fighting geth, scared out of her mind and sick to her stomach.
He's fucked up and so very angry at himself. He'd barely been able to stand his reflection in the mirror this morning to shave, his eyes dark and sunken with worry and tiredness, as well as burning shame.
"Alenko! Alenko!" a voice calls and he turns from his perusal of the line of crew members waiting for Hannah Shepherd to welcome them aboard.
It's James, running towards him, an almost frightened expression on his face. He knocks over another marine in his haste and doesn't pause to apologize.
Kaidan frowns at him. "Vega. What's wrong? I've gotta go. I'll see you when I get back."
"No, man. It's just came on the news. You gotta see this. It's the Normandy. She went down, sometime this morning if the reports are right. Alliance ships in the area are just responding now."
Ice creeps into his veins and the world seems to slow, the voices around him muted and James' frantic face blurred.
"What? What do you mean 'went down'?" he asks angrily. "The Normandy couldn't be sunk. She's the most advanced ship out there. Shepard's quick and quiet. James, this isn't funny."
"With respect, sir," James argues, blundering forward with no idea exactly what he is saying to Kaidan, that's he's telling him his pregnant ex-girlfriend was just murdered cruelly in the cold of space. "That's what they said about the Titanic and that turned out well. I heard all hands were lost. There are rumors everywhere but it sounds like they were fucked over by some monster ship. I heard the guys in Engineering say that the Normandy's remains are strewn over the planet and they're all dead, just floating there."
Kaidan punches him in the face.
James' nose bursts beneath his fist, spurting hot blood over Kaidan's hand.
"She's not dead," he says, something dead in his voice, something putrid burbling up his throat.
"What the hell?!" James yells as two marines run over to them, restraining Kaidan.
"It's alright, it's alright. Just a misunderstanding," James waves them off as Kaidan stalks away, manifesting his 'tool and hitting the number one on the speed dial for her omni-tool connection.
"The connection you have dialed is unavailable. Please check your extranet connection and try again later."
"Shepard, please. Please come in," he begs to the pitiless machine that chants to him over and over that she isn't there. "Please don't be dead. You can't be dead."
James crosses to his side, shaking his shoulder roughly and holding his nose with one blood-covered nose.
"Look, they're just rumors," James says shakily, finally realizing how his words must have seemed and maybe Kaidan cared a lot more about Shepard than he ever confessed. "She's probably just out of comm buoy range. They probably made it to pods and are waiting for pickup. I don't know, man. Sorry about the Titanic crack. Those engineering guys are idiots who probably don't know what they're talking about. We just need more news."
Kaidan nods dumbly, his whole world crashing down around his ears.
"I should have locked the door."
"What?" asks James uncertainly.
"I should have locked the door and I'd still be with her. We could have gone down together."
Word filters back to Arcturus. Kaidan can't sit still, waiting on confirmation that she went down with her ship or somehow miraculously survived. Thankfully, the Kilimanjaro's departure to the edges of Citadel space is delayed in the wake of the attack to provide an escort for the rescue ships. He's never been so glad in his life to secure a posting, feeling like he can actually do something for once, be on the rescue teams instead of sitting on Arcturus going crazy with worry and grief.
The only thing holding him together is the hope she's still alive out there. She's quick, smart and doesn't panic in emergencies. There's no reason she should be dead.
He can barely settle on the trip to meet the rescue frigate, which had picked up the survivor's pods and fled the scene in case the monster ship came back. It was lucky to be in the area, scouting some slaver activity when it got the Normandy's distress signal. Kaidan hopes to god she's on that ship, safe and unharmed. He even considers praying to Ash's god, but can't remember any prayers, so settles for begging her to watch over them, spare Shepard this one time.
They get word from the initial ships sent to rescue them halfway there. Not all hands were lost and most of the crew made it to the escape pods thanks to Shepard's efforts.
When he hears that not all hands were lost, he has to excuse himself to one of the tiny locker rooms and shove his fist in his mouth to stop the panic and relief showing on his face. He has to remain professional. It doesn't matter that's she's having his baby. It doesn't matter that he loves her. It doesn't matter that his heart feels like it's being squeezed in a vice every day they're apart.
They meet the small frigate just on the edges of the Terminus after a long day of travel, and prepare to dock with them to pick up the survivors. The frigate is too small to house most of them, and honestly if the ship that took down Normandy comes back, not well equipped enough to fend them off. A dreadnought is another matter entirely. Few ships have the power to take them down.
He waits anxiously near the massive airlocks that allow other ships to fully dock with the dreadnought, a quirk of their gargantuan design. He's technically not supposed to be here, but he's slipped down with the med crew under the pretense of his medic training and their sympathy for it being his old posting. They'd been notified that there was wounded in the surviving crew, broken arms and concussions from the pods hitting Alchera.
His heart is in his throat as he waits and for the first time in years since he quit, he longs for a cigarette. He's never been more afraid.
The airlock hisses open and there she is, cradled in the arms of a burly marine from the rescuing frigate. He starts forward without being aware of it, relief so hot and sudden in his throat that he scarcely feels like he's breathing.
"Shepard!" he calls, rushing forward to take her from the marine's arms. The marine gives him a dirty look but acquiesces.
She's burned badly. They obviously had to cut away parts of her armor and healing salve is smeared on the exposed bits. Burns inch over one side of her face and neck, red and angry and she's unconscious as the medics clamber forward with a gurney for Kaidan to transfer her to.
He sets her down gently as the marine who was carrying her gives a report to the medics.
"Commander Shepard, captain of the downed ship. She was the last one off. Got caught in a blast trying to save a crew member," he rattles off tonelessly as the medics rush forward, attaching machines and drips to her.
"She passed out shortly after the crew on the ground got her out of the pod but she told her doctor it was some kind of weapon beam from the attacking ship that brushed her. Her arm's swollen, nasty ebullism."
Kaidan looks down, aghast at the swelling of her arm and horrified for what it means for her. If there's gas bubbles in her bloodstream…
The medic continues as more of Kilimanjaro's doctors arm Kaidan out of the way and away from her. "Our med bay wasn't equipped very well but I gave her rudimentary care. Burns are healing with medi-gel applications," he intones without emotion. "Ran some bloods and scans. You'll have to watch her, she's pregnant and there could be complications. The ebullism is nasty, she'll need the arm taken care of and I'd also recommend an oxygen cannula. I had the Commander on one before bringing her over for transfer."
The rest of the crew gathered titters at the news about Shepard's state. Kaidan closes his eyes. The rumors will make their rounds in less than a day. Nurses talk. The scuttlebutt is a powerful and unstoppable machine.
"Wish I knew her full medical history before I started the treatment plan," the medic sighs, throwing a nasty look to the white-faced Chakwas being helped through the airlock, sagging against one of the techies Kaidan recognizes from his Normandy days. "Watch for dipping blood pressure."
The rest of the crew starts pouring onto Kilimanjaro, helped by their rescuers. They all have that familiar shell-shocked look on their face, half with tears in their eyes or blank faces. Chakwas is in tears as they whisk Shepard away to the state of the art med bay, her hand pressed to her mouth, her green eyes as wide and frightened as Kaidan has ever seen. Her normally pristine white hair is wild.
Over twenty crew members were lost, so Kaidan takes the time to talk to the ones he knows, pat them on the back, offer what little comfort he can. Shepard would expect him to take care of them.
Kaidan watches Shepard be wheeled away, knowing that she'd hate him to cause any more of a scene than he already has. He has to trust that they'll take care of her. For now, the rest of Normandy crew needs his help. He can break down over Shepard later.
"Chakwas," he says gently, walking forward to give her a hug. He face is sweaty and grimy and she shakes around him. "Are you OK?"
"Oh, Kaidan," she breathes, clutching the back of his shirt, for the moment her legendary composure lost. "We lost so many."
Tears run down her face as she pulls back to look him in the eyes.
"Joker… he didn't make it. He's dead."
He sits with Shepard later in the infirmary, holding her burned hand. From one side it just looks like she's sleeping peacefully, her face clear. The other side is a mess though. She was lucky not to lose her eye.
They'd told him that she went to get Joker, to save him, and as she had done so the blast from the attacking ship had burned her, tearing her suit and giving her the ebullism and bad burns. Joker had saved her, grabbed her and yanked her into the pod, but in the process been thrown away. She'd been screaming for him, awful loud wails of desperation and anger as he was ripped away. Everyone who heard it over the comm said that it had sent chills of horror down their spines.
She was half conscious when the pod landed, in pain and wracked with guilt over Joker's death. Chakwas had to sedate her with her meager medical supplies and she'd soon passed out. She'd come so close to death that Kaidan couldn't stop shaking with the enormity of it.
Joker.
He couldn't seem to absorb the fact that he would never see him again, sitting in the cockpit, snarking at everything. That they'd never sit together again and shoot the breeze over sports teams and Normandy specs, that he'd never go to bat for him, never worry about Shepard in that odd way of his, never adjust his cap or smile crookedly, green eyes sparking with defiance and the desire to prove himself better than anyone else.
Joker was one of his closest friends. And now he's gone.
Kaidan tries not to let it show on his face, screwing all his courage and self-control and letting it smooth his expression and hold back his anger. Shepard doesn't need to see him upset when she wakes up.
Captain Hannah Shepherd took pity on him, allowing him to sit at her bedside, and for that he was thankful to be allowed to maintain his vigil.
Hannah knows what the black mark in his file means. He wonders if she's just being kind or is trying to make things easy on Shepard, to wake up to her ex-lover's face and the bad news.
Time ticks by so slowly as he sits and waits, the nurse drifting over occasionally to take Shepard's pulse or blood work. She keeps throwing Kaidan dirty looks, but he ignores them. What happens between him and Shepard is no one else's business but their own. Let her gossip. Let her put two and two together. He needs to be here for her.
Shepard's eyes flutter and she moans weakly, the burns on her skin pulling.
"Shep? You're OK," he soothes, lurching forward to stop her pulling her drips and monitors out. She blinks at him, confused. "You're in the Kilimanjaro's med bay. You and the survivors from the Normandy were rescued a day ago. You've been sleeping."
She wets her lips with her tongue, blinking slowly. "Kaidan."
She's groggy and out of it and it seems to take her a long time to summon words. He holds her hand and presses her palm to his lips.
"I'm here."
She nods slightly, watching the machine beep around the med bay. It's quiet and almost deserted, just the single nurse on night duty that watches Kaidan like a hawk, her nose long and her eyes beady.
She knows, he thinks. She knows how I feel about her.
"Joker?" Shepard murmurs and he hates having to be the one to tell her this, to have the memories rush back.
"He's… dead. I'm sorry."
Her face screws up, her whole body curling into a pained ball. She groans with pain, physical or emotional, he can't tell.
Desperate, he stands and holds her hand as tight as she allows, muttering nonsense words under his breath to try and ease her though whatever rush of agony she's going through. They wouldn't give her strong painkillers because of the pregnancy. He hates himself.
"I'm in pain. Is the…" She chokes and coughs, her whole chest heaving. Kaidan helps her sit straight and she wheezes as he rubs her back.
"Are you asking about the baby?" he asks quietly.
She nods, tears squeezing out the corner of her eyes.
"No. No. It's alright. They're monitoring you."
She blinks at him, eyes dull and empty. "Fine."
He smoothes the hair off her face. "Are you alright?" he whispers.
She flinches away from him. "Don't touch me, please. I don't deserve to be touched."
"Shepard… what?"
"Joker's dead because of me. Because of us." She enunciates slowly, cold and clear, as if every word is forced out, heavy with immutable truth. "He knew about the baby. He put himself on the line to save me because I was pregnant, like an old-fashioned, chivalrous idiot," she snarls. "I'm the Commander. I was the one who was supposed to die. If he hadn't caught me crying like an overemotional schoolgirl in the locker room, everything would be as it's supposed to be and he would be the one lying in this bed. I hate you for this."
He looks at her eyes, black and wide with loathing, panic and grief, and he believes her.
He stands, stung, trying to ignore the hurt from showing on his face. "I'm sorry. Do you want me to go?"
She turns her face away from him, showing him her burned side. "I think that would be best."
By the time they arrive back at Arcturus, she tells the nurses not to allow him in.