She knew that he still carried around the guilt of his parents' death as though it were a precious boon to be cherished. Even with her, he only occasionally let a brief flash of his deepest feelings to filter through the layers of self-protection. She knew something had been on his mind the past few weeks, but he hadn't brought up anything and she never knew enough about what went on in his life outside of school to ask.
"Amy? Amy! I know you're there. I can hear you breathing." Daniel dropped his hand onto her shoulder and gripped more firmly when she jumped.
"Oh, good grief, Daniel! You scared the living daylights out of me." Amy clasped her hands together in an effort to stop their shaking. "Give a girl a warning before you attack."
He plopped his tray on the table and slid onto the chair next to her. "Are you all right?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. I was just thinking." About you. Whoa! Where'd that come from? Amy settled her fidgeting fingers around her sandwich and then went through the motions of eating.
"What were you thinking about?" Daniel fingered the numbers on his watch and decided he had about twenty minutes before he had to catch the bus to Columbia.
"Oh, just stuff. You know." Amy felt the skin on her face heat up, knew that she was blushing, and for the first time was very grateful that he couldn't see well enough to know.
"Come on, Amy. It's me, Daniel. Best friend and all that. What's keeping you so preoccupied the past few days?"
He's way too perceptive for my own good. "Okay. I give up." Amy made a decision to just come out and ask what was bothering him. "I've noticed that you've been a bit out of it lately. I'll be in the middle of a 'fascinating' monologue and you just seem to check out. Sometimes I have to call your name several times before you come back to the real world." She took a deep breath. "What wrong?"
Daniel dropped his head down and poked at his potato salad with his fork as if to keep it from wondering off his plate. "I'm fine."
"Daniel, if I had a nickel for every time you've said that to me since I've known you, I could buy the Statue of Liberty!" She put her hand on his leg and gave a reassuring squeeze. "Out with it."
Daniel dropped his fork and sighed. He took both of her hands and brought them up to the sides of his face, something they had always done with each other when a discussion got serious. "George and Ruby got back in town yesterday. They want me back."
Amy rubbed her thumbs gently over his cheeks. "That's great! They were the best family you've ever lived with. Why is this a problem?"
"Because in a couple of years George will get transferred again and I'll be left behind – again." Daniel pulled her hand off his face, concerned that she'd feel the fear rising in him.
Amy sat still for a second and then grabbed her tray. "Get your stuff. We're going someplace where we can talk about this."
"Amy, I don't want to talk about it. If I did, I would have."
"Now, Jackson. Get moving or I'll…I'll tell everyone you still sleep with a teddy bear."
"I do not!"
"You do too!"
"Do not!"
"Do too!"
"Not!"
"Yeah, I know you don't, but who do you think the other high school kids will believe?" Amy started walking away.
"You're really mean sometimes," he whined as he moved to follow her.
"When it's the only way I can get you to do what you need to do, then, yeah, I'll be mean."
She dragged him outside to a bench near the bus stop where he had to catch the bus in a few minutes. After they checked to be sure no one was around to listen to them, she scooted close enough to him to touch.
"Daniel, why is this bothering you? Why would give up a chance to live with a family who loves you as if you were one of their own?"
"Because when they leave again, it'll hurt too much."
Daniel tried to turn away from her, but she gripped his arm and pulled him back. She dropped her head to his shoulder and wrapped both arms around him. She could feel his chest shudder as he battled to keep from crying.
"Daniel, life is a gift. A gift that sometimes has thorns, like a perfect rose. But if you don't get close enough to risk getting pricked, you can't experience the velvety texture of the pedals or the perfume that is the gift of the rose. The good and the bad come together and can't be separated."
Daniel knew that she was right. The Hammonds were good people, who cared deeply about him and wanted him to join their family again. But he really wasn't sure he could deal with losing them a second time. Every good moment with them would also bring pain, knowing it was only temporary.
He hugged her back, drawing strength from her.
"Daniel, let yourself be loved and love back."
She turned her face up, kissed him softly on the cheek and dropped her head back onto his shoulder. He gave her ponytail a tug and smiled at her. "Thanks, Amy. You've always been able to keep me from taking myself too seriously. I think I'd disappear into thin air without you."
They both picked up their heads as they heard the wheeze of Daniel's bus coming to a stop. He dropped a quick kiss onto the top of her head. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"
"Sure. Have fun in Latin!" She stopped a moment. "How would anyone have fun learning a dead language? Jackson, you're just too weird sometimes."
XXXXXXXXXX
After classes that afternoon, Daniel found a payphone and called the number Aunt Barbara had given him for the Hammond's home. He almost hung up twice before he completed dialing the number.
He waited, pulled off his glasses and rubbed at his eyes. I'm going to be sorry I'm doing this someday.
"Hammond residence."
Daniel's knees weakened slightly when he heard the deep voice with the mild Texan accent.
"Hello?"
"George?" Daniel couldn't get any other words past the lump currently blocking his breathing.
"….Daniel?" George waved at Ruby to come over to the phone. He pulled the earpiece away from his ear to share with his wife.
"It..it's me." Daniel cleared his throat and stood a little straighter.
"Oh, Daniel, your voice has changed! You sound so grown up." Ruby tried to snatch the phone away from her husband in her excitement.
"Where are you, son?" George tugged back on the phone so he could speak to their foster son.
"At school. Columbia. I just finished my classes for the day and thought I've give you guys a call. Aunt Barbara gave me your new number and suggested I contact you." Daniel knew he was speaking way too fast, but couldn't seem to slow down in his nervousness. "How are the girls? I bet they've grown. Are they back in school yet? How was your flight…"
"Whoa! Stop! One question at a time. First, how are you? Is your foster family okay?"
"I'm doing fine. I don't see much of the foster families I've been with since you guys left. Even when I'm home on weekends, most of my time is spent at the library working."
Silence.
"Daniel," Ruby broke into the silence. "Come home to us. We want you back with us, where you belong."
Daniel curled his free arm around his chest and he just stood there blinking rapidly. "I don't know. I'm not sure…" He broke off, leaving the unfinished sentence dangling between them.
"Son, we love you. Come home." George pulled his wife in closer and wiped a tear from her cheek.
Daniel hung his head down. "I'm afraid, George."
"Of what?"
"Losing you again."
George and Ruby turned to each other, wide-eyed. "We can't promise you that you'd be with us forever, son. Only two years. In two years, you'll be done with high school and living on campus full-time. You should be able to get yourself emancipated and not have to stay in the system any longer."
Ruby pulled the phone toward her again. "Daniel, we're your family. No matter where we are or how old you are. We could no sooner abandon you than we could abandon Rachel or Julie. Think about it. We all want you home with us, where you belong."
"I'll think about it. I promise." They said their good-byes and Daniel clung to the phone for a moment, as if he could stay attached through the plastic and wiring that stretched between them.
Dear God, if you really exist, what am I going to do?
XXXXXXXXXX
"What do you mean, 'what am I going to do?' You're going to pick up the phone again and tell George and Ruby that you want to go home." Amy flicked her hair off her forehead. "You know, for a smart guy you can sure be dense when it comes to your own life."
Daniel closed his eyes and tried to let her words flow around him. He knew she was right, but he just hadn't been able to bring himself to ask George and Ruby to go back to them. In his mind, he knew that was stupid to reject two years of love and comfort for fear of the pain of separation at the end. It hurt now, knowing they were home and it would hurt when they left, even if he didn't live with them.
"George wants me to come over for dinner on Sunday. Aunt Barbara and her family will be there too."
Amy leaned toward him and reached up to sweep his hair off his face. Even though she couldn't see it hanging into his eyes, she knew it was always there. It was a good an excuse as any to make physical contact with him. She let her hand settle on his shoulder and felt him lean into her touch, unconsciously seeking comfort.
"Ruby invited you."
Amy let her hand drop back to her side. "Why? I mean…why? I'd feel as though I were intruding on a family reunion."
"I think she thought I'd feel more comfortable with you and Aunt Barbara around. Less awkward." Daniel stood up and began pacing in front of the bench. "Amy, I'm usually pretty good at reading other people from their voice, but I can't seem to understand what's going on with me. It's really frustrating."
"I know."
"Thanks."
"No. I mean I know what's going on with you."
"You want to let me in on it, because I don't know." Daniel stopped pacing and encircled himself with his arms.
"You're punishing yourself – again."
"What! You think I like emotional pain? You think I like being alone?"
"Yes, because it reinforces your belief that your parents' death was your fault." Amy stood and grasped his shoulders with both hands. "You don't think you should be happy when they're gone and you aren't."
"Well, that's about the most…the stupid…" Daniel sat back down on the bench with a thud. "Oh, god. You're right."
"Yes, I know." Amy sat back down and embraced him, pulling his head down onto her shoulder. She could almost hear the gears shifting in his mind as he processed what she had just told him.
"How do I stop?"
"Talk to George and Ruby. Even though they've been gone for two years, they know you. They love you and you keep pushing them away. Let them love you."
"Come with me on Sunday?" Daniel lifted his head to look into her face from her shoulder.
"No, I think this is something you need to do on your own." Amy continued rubbing his back.
"You're a good friend, Amy Whitmore."
"Yeah, well, remember that when Christmas comes. I'll expect something really great!"
Daniel leaned over and dropped a kiss on the top of her head as he picked up his books and left.