Lost Before The Dawn
Warnings: None.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Chapter Playlist: 'Rue's Farewell' from 'The Hunger Games' and 'Sayuri's Theme' from 'Memoirs of a Geisha'.
'It is always surprising how small a part of life is taken up by meaningful moments. Most often they are over before they start although they cast a light on the future and make the person who originated them unforgettable.'
- Anna and the King
Silence reigned in the small, cold room, made a thousand times smaller by the towering figure sat at the table, his eyes fixed on the table, blonde hair shining in the too-bright lighting from the overhead strips. His armour creaked as he shifted on his chair, the flimsy metal structure straining to take his weight.
The dark figure sitting opposite him eyed him piercingly, his single eyes wide with disbelief and a slight tinge of wonder at the tale he had just heard. Of all the ways for this situation to end, he had never expected this.
Loki, the alien that had killed eighty people in two days, enslaved some of their best minds and caused untold destruction, had been the one to close the portal from whatever dark corner of the Universe the Chitauri had come from, and saved the entire, bloody, city.
Well, that was certainly the biggest turnaround he'd ever witnessed. He was still wrapping his head around it.
He just didn't understand. "What did it? What made him change his mind?" he finally asked, as Thor looked up from his hands on the table, eyes dry but awash with pain and grief.
A bitter quirk of the lip accompanied the rumble of his voice, as Thor answered with one word, that echoed in the air around them. "Jane."
Fury stared at him, unable to say anything as the God stood, turning away. He paused, and looked back at the human, with a fervent stare Fury found hard to hold.
"My brother did much harm and I do not try to excuse his crimes. Had he survived, he would still have faced justice. But in the end, he did right," Thor suddenly said, his fist clenching. "If I ask one thing, it is that you remember that."
Fury could do nothing but nod, as Thor turned away for the last time.
Once upon a time, Jane's life had been simple. She had been an astrophysicist, a scientist whose job it was to unlock the secrets of the universe. She'd been ignored and ridiculed for years because of her theories, sent into virtual exile into the deserts of New Mexico.
She almost wishes she was still there.
That she'd never gone out that night, into the desert, and found Thor, that she'd never met him, never become entangled in the lives of beings older and far more powerful than her and never had to stand by while people she cared for were hurt, or died.
It had been a week since that awful few minutes atop Stark Tower, where she'd witnessed the implosion of the portal, the Tesseract and Loki. As soon as the portal had closed and Thor pulled her from the wreckage of the building, they'd found both Stanley and the Tesseract in the rubble of the roof, but no sign of Loki's body. Stanley was in the ICU but doing well, and Thor now guarded the Tesseract.
And she…was just waiting. For her life to start again, for her wounds, not so much physical as emotional, to heal so she could begin again.
Stark had whisked her away from the SHIELD medical facility where she had been taken, and to a house he owned outside Los Angeles, private and secluded, so no one would bother her, for as long as she needed it.
None of the Avengers had said anything to her but she could remember the heavy weight of their pity as she walked past them, with Thor's arm around her shoulders, stricken and physically weakened by the explosion and her injuries.
The house Stark had loaned her was a small but luxurious cottage, on the beach, swathed from view of the road by palm trees and the long, winding drive that led up to the whitewashed wooden doors. Inside, the décor was slightly too masculine and rococo, with the leather furnishings and red tiles of the floor, but it reminded her of New Mexico, a comforting anchor in her still unsettled world.
Her bedroom was light and airy, in contrast to the downstairs, connected to an upstairs living room/study stocked with books, and a private bathroom with the largest bath Jane had ever seen.
She could lie in bed, the French doors to the small balcony open to the sea, and watch the crashing of the waves on the shore only a few hundred metres away, the sea breeze wafting through the cottage all day and all night. After the whole mess that her life had become, that was one pleasure she'd rediscovered.
It was one of only a few.
She regularly experienced nightmares, of the Chitauri, of Loki and the explosion that had taken his life, of the blue of his eyes as they transmuted to iridescent green. Of James, lying in a hospital bed, barely recognisable under the mass of tubes and sheets covering him, Patsy lying with lifeless eyes, the Destroyer as it tore apart Puente Antiguo, the warmth of Loki's lips as he kissed her, goodbye as she realised now.
She hadn't got much sleep over the past seven nights.
She'd spoken on the phone, both Erik and to Darcy, and managed to convince them not to see her. She just wanted to be alone, with her grief and her confusion. Besides, she doubted they'd understand.
The SHIELD psychiatrist had told her she was suffering from Stockholm Syndrome, and she suspected that was what everyone believed, except for Thor, Stark and a few of the others. She was grateful they'd taken her away from all those eyes watching her every move, half-pitying, half-contemptuous.
She sighed as the morning light cut a shaft across her bedcovers, warming her skin above the tank top she wore to bed. It was rather lazy, but she didn't have the energy or the will to get up, especially after another restless night spent in nightmares and dreams that left her in such a state of longing, that she crushed her face into her pillows just to stop herself from crying again. She'd done enough crying.
And why was she even crying?
A sane person would no doubt be glad they were free, of SHIELD, of the Tesseract and most especially of Loki. But despite all the thinking about how much her life used to be simple before he came into her life, she missed him.
She wanted him by her side, here, now. It wasn't supposed to be this way, he was supposed to be there, with her, not drifting in a million, microscopic pieces in the atmosphere.
But she somehow realised that she'd lost what most people deemed to be sanity a very long time ago. Someone once said there was a thin line between genius and insanity, and that the difference was usually whether they were successful. They'd told her she was insane for believing in her theories, and she had turned out to be right. They thought she was insane now, for believing in Loki, in the man she saw beneath the monster, and well…that hadn't turned out so well.
She just wanted to see him again, one last time.
With a frustrated growl, she flung back the covers of her bed and made her way into the bathroom, staring at herself in the mirror. Her cheeks were gaunt, and pale, dark shadows beneath her eyes, framed by lank brown hair. She needed a shower.
Jane felt marginally better after her shower, as she dressed in jeans and a light blouse, walking down to the kitchen to put some coffee on. She didn't have any research or work to do, but Stark had made sure she had plenty of reading material while she recovered. Perhaps reading the latest papers on particle theory would be enough to distract her from the gnawing pain in her chest.
Reminding her of her failure, that she hadn't been able to save him.
As Jane reached for the cup, her hand trembled and she turned it into a fist, closing her eyes as tears clouded her vision for the millionth time. She would not cry.
A knock suddenly came at the door, loud and almost taking the door off its hinges and a pained smile crept across her face. Only one person knocked like that.
Thor.
The hulking God was golden in the sunlight, as she smiled dispassionately at the brother of the man she had lost, and gestured him inside. Any sane woman would be melting into a puddle at the sight of him, and maybe she had once, as she remembered the scramble to tidy up her trailer in Puente Antiguo, when he brought Erik back from the bar. Not anymore.
She served him coffee in silence, and they stood in the kitchen, awkward and tense.
"Jane?" Thor finally broke his brooding silence. "How do you fare? Are you…healing?"
Jane smiled, slightly strained. "I'm ok, Thor. My ribs are getting better every day," she replied, but he shook his head.
"That is not what I meant," he breathed, and Jane looked away, focusing on the warm ceramic in her hand. She knew what he meant.
"It…hurts, Thor. So much," she breathed, the tears coming back with a vengeance but she pushed them away. "Crazy, huh? Sad over the guy who abducted you, threatened you, knocked you out multiple times and then-"
"You loved him," Thor interrupted her, and she stared at him, frowning. "Do not deny your feelings, Jane."
"I don't know what I felt for him," she replied. "All I know is it hurts."
"It would not pain you, if you felt nothing, Jane," Thor retorted, setting down his cup. "Did you…feel such grief for me?"
Jane swallowed hard. "I felt worried, sad. I didn't know if you were dead, Thor, I only had hope," she began to explain, haltingly, knowing he needed, he deserved to hear this. "You were gone for so long, and I know now you had no choice and that you had to choose between me and the deaths of millions of innocents. But I didn't know you were dead, Thor, and I kept going. I had my work, and at first it was all to find you, but when that faded, I realised it was just for me. I needed to do this, to prove everyone wrong and solve the final puzzle keeping us here on Earth."
Thor nodded. "I would have come back for you, Jane," he said gently, and she nodded.
"I know," she breathed. "But what was between us, Thor, what was it, really? Lust? Friendship?" she asked, as he frowned. "How well do you know me? My life, my flaws, my strengths, my greatest desires and my darkest fears?"
"I know none of those things," Thor murmured, a reflective look in his eye. "Had we had time, perhaps I might have come to know those things, but I accept that time is past."
"We're from separate worlds. Maybe they were separate for a reason," Jane shrugged. "You will always have other things, Thor, things that are more important to you than me. And that's fine, it is, and I respect that. But I need more."
Thor nodded, with a deep sigh. "I must admit, a part of me hoped that maybe, with time our past relationship could resume, but I doubt even I wish for that now," he told her, moving closer and taking her hand. Jane smiled weakly.
"We're different people now, from those two people kissing in the desert," she told him. "You're a dear friend, Thor, and you've helped me so much. I can't say how grateful I am, but this, us, just is not going to happen. There is someone else out there, just waiting for you to find her, and you will."
"And you?" he asked, as Jane shrugged, her gaze suddenly distant and forlorn.
"Probably go back to work. Do what I do best," she breathed, taking his empty cup and putting it with hers in the sink. "Can't stay here forever."
"I do not think Stark would mind if you stayed here," he shrugged warmly, yet he now retreated from her, and she could see the enforced distance in his stance, the way he held himself apart from her. She had hurt him, but what else could she do? She couldn't even conceive of feeling anything for anyone at the moment, she could barely handle her own emotions. She didn't want to contemplate another relationship, not after…him. "And Asgard will always be open to you. Once I return the Tesseract, we can repair the Bifrost and you can come to us, any time."
"Thank you," Jane smiled, sincerely. "I'll definitely come, one day."
"I must return," Thor suddenly bowed deeply, and she stared, before inclining her head to him. He glanced at her sadly, looking so weary and bent by sorrow, yet the movement of her head held all the regal grace of a Queen. His love for her would dissipate with time, into friendship, he was sure of it, but it would take time and a part of his heart would always belong to her. She would have made a good Queen. "Goodbye, my lady, until we meet again."
Thor smiled, as he turned away and left the kitchen. Just before she heard the door close, she froze as his voice rang through the cottage. "And tell that slippery, trickster brother of mine that he too is expected home before long. There is much to talk about."
Jane stood, as if frozen like ice, before she finally moved, shouting Thor's name but he was long gone.
He couldn't have meant…could he? Was…Loki…alive? But how? Why was he hiding himself? Was it all some lie, meant to torture her?
If it had been anyone but Thor, she'd have given it more than a second's thought, but this was Thor she was talking about. She wasn't certain he knew how to lie, or had a truly malicious bone in his body. Great, now she felt guilty on top of everything else she was feeling. Her head hurt, and she just wanted it all to go away.
Loki, alive. She couldn't even compute that at the moment, and pain twinged in her gut as she considered why he hadn't shown himself to her. Perhaps he thought she could not be trusted? That SHIELD was watching? What if he relapsed, what if Thanos's conditioning took hold of him again?
Thor had explained who and what Thanos was, before she left SHIELD, and no wonder Loki became the creature he did. He was screwed up as it was when he fell from the Bifrost, and Thanos must have thought it was his birthday when Loki dropped into his lap. Powerful, hovering on the edge of insanity, filled with heartbreak, bitterness, rage and darkness, she doubted it was too difficult to warp Loki's memories and tip him over the edge, feeding him rage even as he gave him power and the means to take back what had been ripped from him.
Remembering the glimpses of fear she had seen him, she doubted it had just been psychological torture Thanos had used to condition Loki. She'd heard of using torture, both physical and mental, to brainwash people.
But the thought, that he could be alive…Jane just suddenly felt tired, her mind too broken to face the prospect of hope. If he was alive, she'd definitely be giving him a migraine.
After taking an aspirin for her headache, she retreated back to her bedroom. She'd only got a few hours sleep the night before, and she just wanted to sink back into her soft bed, the covers too light to make her hot in the California heat.
She changed back into her tank top and sweatpants, standing in the centre of her bedroom as she looked out through the open doors, over the balcony to the sea beyond. She felt goosebumps along her back, and she shivered. Was he watching her?
Taking her courage in her hands, she turned, but she was disappointed to find the room empty behind her. Sighing, she walked towards the bed, pulling the covers back, before the same feeling washed over her, and she inhaled sharply. She was done playing games.
"If you're there, Loki, just…stay. Stay with me while I fall asleep. Please," she breathed to the empty, humid air, and for a moment she felt a pressure against her throat, soft and possessive, as if someone was running a hand up the front of her neck. Closing her eyes, she arched her neck to the side as the phantom caresses continued, before lethargically opening her eyes and lowering herself into bed, leaving the covers half off her body.
Still the room was empty but for her, but as she felt pressure against her back, and the feeling of arms around her waist, she just didn't have the energy for hope or for anger. She closed her eyes and slept, peacefully, for the first time in a week.