Lost Before The Dawn
Warnings: Some suggestive themes.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Chapter Playlist: 'A Small Measure of Peace' from 'The Last Samurai'.
'Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy, you must have somebody to divide it with.'
- Mark Twain
'To be or not to be, that is the question'.
- William Shakespeare
By the time Jane woke up, it was to the light of the sunset. As she levered herself up on her elbows, she blinked at the steadily darkening sky, before pulling herself from her bed and grabbing a loose, woolly sweater. She always watched the sunsets now.
As she went outside, onto the beach, the sand both soft and rough between her toes and under her sensitive feet, she shivered again as that feeling of being watched washed over her, but this time, she didn't react.
She just focussed on the sunset, as the fiery sphere sank beneath the curvature of the Earth, in a glorious explosion of red and orange nearest its rim, before the colours faded, through vibrant cerise, into deepest indigo and then to inky blackness, as the first stars dimly twinkled in the darkness above her.
Hearing the crash of the waves on the sand, and the heat of the somnolent sun on her face, she closed her eyes and smiled, freely, for the first time in years.
He could still remember the burning pain of the explosion as it consumed his body, tearing him from the conflict in his mind and soul, forcing him to do what he did best. Survive.
Now Thanos's conditioning had been repressed, the Sceptre was all but powerless in his hand, and he doubted it would have much left. Calling on all his strength, he summoned the final dribble of power from it and used it, to send him far from Stark Tower, far from New York, where SHIELD would never find him.
He felt cold and freezing wind against his face, and thought that this was somewhat ironic, considering his true heritage as a Frost Giant, before he blacked out, the crystal in the Sceptre dying to a faded, grey cold lump, as his eyes closed, only one word echoing in his head. Jane.
It kept him sane, gave him an anchor, as the passing hours turned into days, and he fought within himself. Thanos's hold was still strong, and he fought, his body cold and still as he lay, in a cave of ice and snow in the coldest region of the Realm, his Jotunn blood keeping him alive. He could feel the hard ridges and crests of his birthright adorning his skin, catching his armour and tunics, and he could imagine the redness of his eyes and the stony sapphire blue of his skin, but for once, he cared not.
The fight within him held all his attention and strength, as he fought to see beneath the truth of Thanos's lies, Jane's voice and form, her soft, brutal words his only safeguard.
That, and the knowledge that he was greater than any who had so easily underestimated him. Odin, Thor, Sif, and now Thanos.
His mother once said that one cannot protect, cannot fight against oneself. Beneath the all but overwhelming bitterness and rage inside of him, his memories slowly remade themselves, beneath the false, blinding veil Thanos had laid over his mind, and slowly cold turned to warmth, and darkness to light. The creature he had become, without control, without hope, was chained and imprisoned within him, but he would never be entirely free of him. He held too much darkness within him to be otherwise, but he chose not to let it rule him. He ruled it.
"You have come far, Loki," that familiar voice echoed in his head, the voice of his mother and yet not his mother. When her face appeared in his mind, with a proud smile, he knew it was not her, for her eyes burned with power and the pulsing blue of the Tesseract. She smiled at him with a wink. "You are perceptive, Loki of Asgard. I took this form to better speak with you, here and now. For all your hatred and your anger, you still cannot bring yourself to hate your mother."
Why? Why her? Why now?
"I believed this form would be the most...welcome to you, or at least the less hated of your family. I needed to stop you from fulfilling Thanos's bidding. I do not exist to serve any one being, least of all a stunted creature like Thanos. Death cannot exist without Life, and it is in Life that my power resides. I exist, not to be used or enslaved, but to simply exist," she smiled at him again, lovingly. "You did well. Thanos has no hold over your memories now."
He will not take this insult lightly. He will come for vengeance.
She nodded. "Then you must be ready, Loki of Asgard," she told him gravely. "The Universe rests in your hands, and the hands of the mortal you desire. Only you can choose to be other than what you have been told to be, Loki…"
Her voice faded away, and he was left in darkness with his thoughts.
He chose who and what he was, and he chose not to be. He would not be Odin's pawn, or Thanos's slave. He was Loki, and he chose his own path.
On the sixth day since the destruction of New York, Loki opened his eyes and felt himself again, as he had not since that fateful day in Jotunheim, when the Frost Giant had gripped his arm and torn apart his world.
His world was still torn, but at last, he was free to choose what he would do with his truth, his life, and he knew what he must do. He left the Sceptre behind him.
Inevitably his thoughts turned to Jane, and he wondered how she fared. His magic was weak after his injuries and his struggle, but he had enough to leave his icy refuge and travel to her side, cloaked and unseen, even by Thor.
He saw a creature just as broken as he, and he felt pain at the thought that he had been responsible for some of that fracturing. She was so bright and full of life, yet beneath the siren-like amber of her eyes, he knew the darkness inside of her, the pride that refused to let her give up when others scoffed at her, the belief, the obsession and the agony that drove her onwards.
Her courage was that of a Valkyrie, her beauty of a Queen, and as he recalled her words on Stark Tower, she belonged to him, and he to her.
He could not be certain SHIELD were not monitoring her, so he watched instead, silent and invisible, as she cried out in her nightmares and thrust away tears, half of sorrow, half of anger, that made him long to reach out to her.
She was truly an unearthly creature, to do such to him. No other had pierced his heart so, even before the revelations of his birth. She was his equal, who stood eye to eye with his madness and refused to back away, as like called to like. They were like the opposite extremes of the Universe. Jane, as bright and burning as the stars the All-Father had once shown him from his bedchamber window, and he, as cold and dark as the emptiness that surrounded the stars, but not anymore, because she was there. The darkness was filled with light, and he latched onto it with urgency. She was what he needed to survive.
He watched her conversation with Thor intently, waiting to see if any seeds remained within Jane of her former love for his brother, but there were none. Jane was adamant that she wanted no more of him, and despite all his attempts, he could see even Thor knew there was no future for them now either.
So she had meant her words atop the Tower in New York.
He was not surprised when Thor revealed his continued existence. He had hidden himself from his brother, in order to heal and cast off the last of Thanos's hold on him, but he knew Thor would not be fooled by his ruse, if only because of his blind faith and desperate hope in Loki's redemption. Perhaps the silly brute had had a point after all…
He was surprised, however, when Jane sensed his presence and spoke to him. He had tensed, wondering if he should leave, but she had reached out to him, and in the end he could not resist stepping forward and inhaling the sweet scent of her hair, and feel the soft skin of her body beneath his hands once more, as she lay in his arms, sleeping peacefully, more so than he had seen her do since he had first intruded into her mind. They were truly bound, then, if even a mortal could so nearly see through his wards and his spells, and feel him there with her.
His little mortal. His Jane. And as he stood behind her, watching her as she watched the sunset, all his caution and uncertainty flew to the winds, and he finally lifted the veil hiding him from her sight. No more masks, no more hiding.
She'd only see through them, as she always had.
Jane closed her eyes as she walked along the shore, the waves just brushing her bare feet, feeling as if someone was walking by her side. She had long ago stopped wondering if she was crazy, if it meant the gnawing grief inside of her eased.
Finally she stopped and turned back, as the light began to fade, but as she paused in front of the cottage and its welcoming, open doors, the wind ruffling the gauzy drapes, she turned around and folded her arms.
"I'm done playing games, Loki. I know you're there," she said, into the night, silent but for the waves and the cicadas in the bushes a few feet away from the beach. "Why can't you just make this easy, for once in your life?"
Her breath tangled in her throat when she heard his silken, husky voice reply, as lips grazed her hair. "Easy is never worthwhile, dearest…"
Jane still couldn't bring herself to turn around. She didn't want this to be a dream, or her really going crazy. "Are you real?" she asked quietly, and she felt a pair of arms, the hard metal of bracers and the smoothness of a leather tunic, against her as they twined around her waist, pulling her back into a body. She knew that body, had felt it against her own for a few, precious, all-too short moments.
Her ribs twinged. She'd forgotten to take her pain medication, and the moment she hissed in slight pain, one of the hands at her waist slid up her ribcage, and tingling warmth followed in its wake, easing the pain until she barely felt it at all. A choked sob escaped her.
"Does that feel like a dream?" his voice asked gently, and she relaxed into his embrace.
"No," she breathed. "Loki…"
"Look at me, Jane," he breathed in her ear, his lips caressing her neck yearningly, as she arched it back against his shoulder. "See me now. I am here, with you. This is no dream."
"I could be going crazy," she objected and he chuckled against her neck, evoking more shivers down her spine.
"Sanity is overrated, my little mortal," he told her. "Now turn around."
"That sounds more like you," she grumbled mulishly, but her heart was full and alive, burning in her chest. A smile stretched her lips, and she finally turned around.
"Finally, you do as you're told," he retorted, with a wicked smile she knew well, except this time, the darkness was leashed behind his eyes, rather than running rampant and controlling him. He stood before her, pale, his dark hair tangled and lank, his armour and clothes ravaged by the fight and by whatever had happened to him after the explosion, his face only slightly marred by healing cuts.
"Don't expect me to make a habit of it," she replied archly, and his grin widened. Her own faded, and she reached up to touch a still healing cut across his nose. "I thought you were dead."
"It would take more than a mere explosion to destroy me, dearest," he told her haughtily, and she laughed.
"Pity it didn't knock some of that attitude out of you," she retorted snappily, and his grip on her waist tightened.
"You wouldn't want me any other way," Loki said, and she had to admit, he had a point. That, or she'd think he was suffering from amnesia. She told him so, and he laughed, clear and free of malice or mockery, and she impulsively reached up and kissed him, stilling his laughter against her lips. He gathered her to him, as he tilted his head over hers to deepen the kiss, his lips and tongue battling hers for dominance, as one hand slid beneath her sweater and tank top as he pushed her further into him. She wrapped her arms around his neck, determined to never let go as he groaned against her.
"What…happened…Loki?" she asked, between desperate kisses that were steadily growing in passion and intent. She knew where this was going, wanted it more than she ever imagined she would, but she still wanted answers. But then his lips drifted down her neck again, pressing hot, open-mouthed kisses against the trail of her pulse, and she forgot her point.
"Later," he growled, before he kissed her again, so focussed on making her forget her question, so passionate and irresistible that Jane mentally threw her hands up and gave in.
"Much later," she agreed with a gasp, before kissing him again and forcing herself even closer to him. His chuckle was a tangible shudder against her, so close she felt it in her very soul.
"If this is the method by which I can succeed in shutting you up, Jane Foster, I shall have to do this more often," he hissed, breaking off their kiss. She glowered at him, and he chuckled, unrepentant as he swept her off her feet, into his arms and turned for the cottage.
"In your dreams, buddy," she growled.
"Then never let me wake," he suddenly said, serious and intent, his eyes on her face as she looked up at him, her arms around his neck, safe and protected. Like she'd always felt with him.
She reached up and kissed him again, and he stopped, holding her effortlessly while their lips moved together, as easily as if born to do nothing else but kiss the other. Her hand slid into his hair and gripped, as she tore her lips away and pressed a kiss to his neck, above the collar of his clothing, and his breath hissed through his gritted teeth.
"You are impossible, Jane Foster. An impossible creature," he breathed, then his lips were back on hers as he blindly but confidently negotiated the stairs up to her bedroom.
As he laid her down on the bed, she opened her eyes and smiled at him, as he joined her. She flipped him over onto his back, straddling him quickly and framing his face as he laughed, his eyes flashing like the predator he was, and his hands turned to iron around her face. "Right back at you," she breathed, just before she sealed their lips together once more, feeling nothing but contentment, joy and need at the thought that he was back in her arms, where he belonged, and she was where she belonged. With him.
They still had mountains of stuff to talk about, before this was over, and Jane couldn't know what the future held, but it didn't look quite so dark now he was there. Call her crazy, but she wouldn't have it, or him, any other way.
A/N: Yet another scene I've been dying to write. We are nearly finished, only three chapters remaining, but an AU oneshot of this chapter, called In Extremis, will soon be up and of course, the sequel to this, called Veritas.
To be continued…