Never get a princess to do a cowgirl's job.
"H-hey, you know Neji Hyuuga right?"
Tenten wondered if telling her "does a dog know its own fleas?" would be rude to say or not. She was already running late and Shikamaru needed her to pick him up twenty minutes ago.
She settled on the frank, courteous answer. "Yes, I'm his roommate. I have been for two years." Her hand reached out to grab her ballet shoes, stuffing them in her duffel as she tried to make enough room for all of her supplies to fit.
"Oh, that's good!" the sweet, apple-honeyed voice exclaimed. "I've been meaning to ask you something now... about Neji... umm..." Tenten snorted under her breath, thinking it was some fangirl trying to get her to hook them up with the 'ever-so-talented Mr. Hyuuga Prodigy'.
"He's gay," she cut-in.
Blessed silence filled the locker room, allowing Tenten to finish her packing. She stood up, pulling the strap over her shoulder and checking the time on her phone. "Shit," she whispered, "Granny's gonna be pissed at me."
Before Tenten could run off, the voice behind her reminded the bun-haired woman there was still someone else in the room. "I-I wasn't talking about him l-like that!" they cried, startled, "I wanted to ask h-how... what's Neji like?"
Tenten huffed her long, unkempt bangs out of her face and jogged in place. She really didn't need this, she had a long drive to the country in a few hours. "He's polite, courteous, and well-mannered!" she replied, "now I really have to go! See ya, nice talk, buh-bye!" Considering she was so late already, maybe she could stop by her dorm and get something to eat. Chinese chicken sounded good.
Sakura Haruno watched as the older girl ran out of the building without even glancing at her. She curled a lock of hair around her forefinger, her other hand holding a beautiful lace-ivory dress with ribbons and pearls she had to change into soon.
"I wish I could be as talented as her," the pink-haired girl said.
Time to get a haircut
"Ouch."
"Shit."
"Can you not do that -?"
"OW!"
Tenten hissed and nearly slapped the curling iron out of Sasuke's hand. "You fucking suck at this!"
The offended Uchiha snorted and set the hot iron clampers on his marble counter. She should have just gone with Shikamaru, who was currently fleeing the state so he didn't have to chose between two blonde, blood-thirsty vixens to take to Sakura's giant party.
"You try using something you didn't even know your brother owned," Sasuke retorted, looking at his sibling's hair utensil with mild disdain. "Why can't you get Hyuuga to do it? He probably spends hours on his hair each day."
"Hey smartass, remember Neji's angry at me!" the brunette woman spat, scrutinizing herself in the mirror. Half of her head felt as if it had been charred off while the other was still not even brushed. "So this must be what Karin feels like..." She tried to smooth down both sides, but it proved futile.
She gurgled from the back of her throat, shooting a dirty glare at Sasuke who was already in his immaculate onyx tuxedo.
The little twat caught her gaze and smirked, ever the insufferable snake she knew he was. "Like what you see?"
"If you think my type are scrawny pencil-necks, then yes."
"I am not scrawny; I am lean. Though Neji might just be your dream guy then. I doubt he can even lift."
Tenten huffed her long bangs out of her face, frowning when they just fell back over her vision. "Oh, he can lift. He just lifts like a goddamn baby." Sasuke chuckled loudly, having to hold a hand over his mouth respectfully. "What's so funny?"
It took a moment to compose himself but Sasuke just gave her his shit-eating grin again. "I've never heard anyone talk about Hyuuga so... hilariously. It's always 'Neji's so hot' or 'Neji's so talented', not 'Neji's such a shit why can't he eat more than a pancake before passing out with diabetes?'. You describe him like no other."
A that Tenten glowed, a fond glimmer in her eye. "I can't say no one else knows him like I do." Sasuke was silent as he watched her, noting how Tenten prided herself on being one of the few so close to the aloof Hyuuga. He thought back on their 'date' at McNinjas, noting how she treated him like he was any other guy rather than the Sasuke Uchiha, yet she held the utmost respect for Neji.
"You must have a special ability about you that melts cold hearts," he said, picking up the curling iron again. "Now let's make you decent before you go outside again. It won't be a pity date if I'm bringing a cow with me."
She stuck her tongue out at him, standing up and ruffling his hair so it became a heap. At his squawking she simply chuckled. "There, now we're both bovine!" She then proceeded to moo in his face.
Sasuke's brow twitched. "Be care, I'm not afraid to serve Neji his future-bride well-done." He raised the curling iron, prepared to clonk the brunette woman on the head as she began to refute any ideas as Mrs. Hyuuga - right as Itachi walked in.
"Sasuke, did you take my -"
He stopped, watching as his little brother menaced what looked like a mammoth otter with overgrown hair making cow-noises at him. A pregnant pause stretched between them. Ruefully, the situation would have been easy to explain had all of Itachi's co-workers not piled into the room. What proceeded could only be called mayhem.
"Dayyyumm Itachi, your little bro snagged himself a whale! Hoo haa, the stars be shining bright tonight! ERGO, he's getting laid!"
"Not big enough to be a whale, more like a bear -"
"Why is she half-naked? Why is she half-naked?"
"Did he buy her services? How much did she cost?"
"So this is what eternal suffering is..."
"I wish this moment could be immortalized forever, so I can replay it over and over and laugh myself to death."
As every member of Akatsuki, a well-known business best regarded for its strict professionalism, became hoodlums in under two seconds, Itachi pinched the bridge of his nose and extended a hand towards his mortified younger brother and supposed date.
"Give me the curling iron. I'll fix this."
BITCHES LOVE WHALES
Neji really hated wearing anything fancy.
He fixed his cuffs for the umpteenth time, grimacing when a smal crease refused to be smoothed out. He tried several more attempts before losing his temper, clutching his hand like it was infected and screaming to the next room. "Why am I taking Haruno to the unveiling again?"
Hanabi stuck her head out of the room she and her sister were preparing themselves in, a sour expression on her young face. "Because daddy wants you to screw her!"
Neji caterwauled in agony at the idea. "She has no thighs of which to speak of!" he bellowed, falling to his knees and throwing himself on top of his expansive bed. "What good is sex appeal with no thighs! Ugh, I felt like I was painting a white picket fence under a cluster of carnations!" Neji continued to making death-noises, sliding down to the floor and demanding attention until Hinata got fed up and peered into the room.
"Some men like that," she said quietly, but was drowned out by grumblings of 'thin', 'pink', and 'sending Lord Hiashi to a retirement home early'. Grimacing she continued on. "It's not so bad! Who knows, maybe Tenten will be there!"
At that the Hyuuga's thoughts flew off into the Milky Way. He was quiet for a moment before bursting into wails and rolling around like a slug that's been salted, uncaring if he mussed up his hair and began to askew his silver cufflinks. Hinata watched her elder relative, a young man who has tried to free himself from his family's strict, archaic ways with blood, sweat, and tears, completely fall apart with the fear of losing the only woman he's found the capability of loving.
She really wished he had been more prosaic about it. Maybe smash some expensive vase, or scream to the ceiling. Just something a bit manlier than wiggling like a worm uprooted from its soil.
"No one has any clue where she is!" Neji tried to unfasten his tie in despair, but after two minute of grappling with the finicky cloth he gave up with a cry. "No one can reach her by phone either and she hasn't been back to the dorm since none of the food from the fridge is gone!" His eyes widened, thousands of situations amalgamating in his prodigiously silky head. "What if she ran away with that delirious homeless guy Juugo from the park!" He gave his cousin a helpless expression, one delicately sprinkled with hints of hysteria, and topped with a teaspoon of manic paranoia.
Hinata tried not to give a long-suffering sigh. If people thought her crush on Naruto was pathetic, then they obviously forgot the time Tenten showed up late to one of Neji's birthdays.
Trying not to remember when Neji threatened all of his house guests -most of them distant cousins he didn't know the names of- with a swan made of flammable (very very flammable) garbage when he thought they had not invited Tenten, Hinata kneeled down by her cousin's pathetic body and tried to rub soothing circles into his back. "There, there, it will be all right. Tenten is a strong, independent woman who will be fine on her own. I'm positive that by the end of this party things will go back to being normal." She didn't want to think of what 'normal' meant when it came to Neji, but her words seemed to work as Neji stopped his blubbering to finally compose himself.
"One night," he said, features steeled with resolution. "I'll show that limey tart of an uncle I'm not going to forsake my own happiness for a flippant business deal in one night. Then I'm going to give it to Tenten the moment I see her."
Hinata rolled her eyes at the insult to her father but smiled at the last part. "You really should. I mean, you've been holding onto that promise ring how long?"
The artist's face flared up as he unconsciously placed a hand over his suit pocket where a small, silver band of metal was being hidden. "N-none of your business, Hinata! I-It's not like I wasn't going to give it to her, so it's not a big deal!" He looked away, all pouty and red-faced. Hinata groaned as it seemed Tenten's mood swings were rubbing off on him. "Anyways, how long until I have to go?"
"Five minutes. We're picking Sakura up on the way too."
Neji wilted.
Can't wait for the obligatory happy ending
The first thing Tenten did was go to the snack table. Sasuke joined her a moment later, eying her with unyielding contempt as she chewed on a tiny sausage-roll.
"Did you fucking leave me at the entrance for goddamn hors d'oeuvres?" It was easy to tell that didn't happen to him a lot.
"Sorry Sassykins, but food sexier than you any day," Tenten replied, stuffing an eclair in her mouth and licking her lips of the cream. Sasuke's prayed that the clasps on the back of Tenten's black dress wouldn't break. "How about you go reconnaissance for me if Sakura's here or not." She waved him off, as if a common busboy.
Sasuke tensed but relented to the task. "If she tries to tear my face off, I'm siccing her on you."
The brunette woman allowed Sasuke to slip away, having already embarrassed him by leaving him at the door. She couldn't help it, she was that kind of jittery only miniature wieners wrapped in buns could appease. Please don't let her find me, please don't let him find me. If I had to get killed by one, which would it be? I guess Neji since dying by his hands wouldn't be so bad, but I don't want to see him mad at me! Tenten sniffled and grabbed a paper plate, piling some food on it.
Meanwhile, Sasuke was having troubles of his own.
"Naruto, how did security not kick you out by mistaking you for a colorblind escapee for the special-needs?"
The blonde grinned, his mouth so large it could engulf a cantaloupe and then some. "If you must know, Sas-gay, I am here because I have a date! She's awesome! I asked her out just last week after Sakura turned me down for the fortieth time!" The Uchiha scanned the numerous women roaming the luxurious building, hoping to find a blind amputee or a deaf girl in a wheelchair. He spotted Hinata, who was shyly conversing with another women , and clicked two and two together.
"Wow, you actually asked out -"
"That's right!" Naruto shouted, right in his stoic roommate's ear, "I asked out Edina Mukashi! And she said yes! Hey Edina! Hey- hey Edina! Over here! No, not that way! This way! Yeah, I want you to meet my roommate!"
Sasuke felt the need to vomit on the spot. "Naruto," he whispered sharply as Hinata helped Naruto's date walk over, "Edina Mukashi is the janitor's eighty-six year old mother."
"Uh, yeah, so?" the idiot inquired. Edina smiled at him, her beady eyes small compared to the thick frames she wore. "Edina, you look great! Thanks Hinata for being with her while I went to the bathroom, you're awesome too!" The Hyuuga heiress flushed to her hairline, the only thing keeping her upright being her hold on Edina's wrinkly old arm. Sasuke stalked off as soon as he had a chance, not wanting to listen to talks of hip replacements and endure cheek pinches.
He got about three entire steps before he was forced to run back to the snack table where Tenten was.
"Eclairs, Sweetie?" he strained, taking one of the tiny pastries and forcing it into the brunette's mouth. Naturally, she began to choke.
Her reaction was also very natural. "Whudda fuck!"
"No talk, honeylumps!" Sasuke continued, stretching his lips into what he hoped was a smile as he lead Tenten away from the food. "How about we go out onto the patio? Look up at the sky and shit or stare into each other's eyes longingly for a good three hours?" His right eye twitched without his control.
Tenten was not very agreeable to either of those proposals though, taking hold of his wrist and twisting it behind his back. Manly pride was all that kept Sasuke from squealing. "You're hiding something from me," she said right by his ear. "Spill it or I'll grand jeté my foot directly up your asshole."
Sasuke sighed, nudging his head over his shoulder. Tenten's eyes followed the movement, looking behind them and letting go of Sasuke in shock.
"That's Neji -" she choked.
"- with Sakura," Sasuke finished, herding Tenten away from the couple that had just walked in. They escaped easily as everyone else went and welcomed the artist and his model.
The patio was freezing with a blunt wind, slapping the hair into their faces and causing their noses to tingle. Tenten didn't pay any of that attention as she stared out into the sky where a quarter moon rested. Sasuke stood beside her, letting the huff of the wind be her comfort. Under the moon he found her a bit prettier, the blue light washing out her fiery features and making her less scorching. She was almost... tolerable when she was sad.
When he felt Tenten had wallowed in enough self pity he spoke. "Personally I would have taken Sakura as a date if she needed one." He waited until she lifted her head to face him, the fire in her eyes not as bright. Sasuke immediately decided that though he got burned by her, it was much better than watching her flames die out. "I know she likes me - a lot - and I probably don't like her one-fifth as much, but believe me I would have asked her out if I knew Neji was the runner-up. I know their fathers are in cahoots, so don't think too hard about it, okay? I'm sure beneath all that bastard Neji's still a bastard, albeit a bastard who likes you more than Sakura. He's probably got his balls in a vice. I bet tomorrow he'll be your bitch, groveling for your affection."
She finally chortled, which put Sasuke's mind at ease as he found he had been rambling.
"Thanks for the words of encouragement, even if they are dumb."
The embers had begun to simmer again, giving her a soft glow that Sasuke felt attracted to. He leaned closer, trying to examine the warmth. Tenten blinked up at his, tilting her head to the side. "What's up, doc? Do I have something my teeth?" She unabashedly stuck a finger in her mouth, barring her pearly whites as she dug around her gums. Girls like Sakura, Ino, Hinata, and even Temari would never do something so uncouth in a male's presence.
"You're so unlike other girls," the Uchiha lamented, furthering Tenten's puzzlement. "You act like the world isn't judging you, so carefree. I can see why Hyuuga's after you."
Tenten's face turned into a cherry; she veered her view to the flowers, gazing longing at the thick bunches of larkspur just below the railing, their petals cerulean. "I wish."
"Come on, you're not an idiot. Can't you see that Hyuuga likes you, even a little? He's gotta show something of a libido."
She shook her head. "The only times he really looks at me with any intensity is when he paints me. Other than that he's a brick." Her lips pursed." Why are you so concerned with my affairs anyways Sasuke? Are you hoping that if Neji ditches Sakura she'll be yours for the taking?" She wagged her eyebrows at him.
Sasuke smiled slightly. "Maybe; Sakura isn't a bad person, I just don't know how I feel about her. She's a friend for now, I know, but..."
"But...," Tenten pushed. Sasuke exhaled slowly, taking one more look at the pale blue moon before turning to the short brunette.
"But maybe I want someone like you instead."
The air stilled. Tenten realized how close Sasuke was to her, tilting his head down so that she had to look up to see his face. Their lips were close, their breath mingling into mist. His expression was smooth, concealing anything he might be thinking. It was the same thing Neji did to her.
She clicked her tongue against her teeth. "You're such a liar."
Sasuke shrugged, standing upright again. "I know. Just wanted to see how you'd react. And to give that Hyuuga a little show."
Immediately Tenten twirled just in time to see a wisp of long ponytail heading back into the building.
Had Tenten been a cat she would be hissing at him, body seeming to combust with energy as she pulled up her dress to run. "I appreciate the cleverness Sasuke, but next time just tell me if he's been watching us! Goddamn, now I have to chase after him in heels! Thanks for nothing, duck-dick!"
Sasuke watched the spunky woman sprint off, swearing under her breath as she finally got her determination back. He leaned back against the stone railing, pulling out his phone and speed dialing a number as he admired the larkspur.
"Hey, you did as I said?" came a scratchy voice, a large amount of background noise making it hard to hear.
The smirk that spread across Sasuke's face could have filled a pool. "She's chasing him down right now. So, about my deal of the bargain..."
Coughing could be heard, along with some mutterings of 'troublesome'. "I'll do your fucking homework, calm your tits. I've got the entire airplane ride to do it."
"You're such a pussy, Nara. Running away from two hotties," the Uchiha chastised, plucking a petal and rubbing it between his fingers.
"I know, I know, Kurenai's already lambasted me on the way here. Just know that love's the biggest drag in the entire universe, Sasuke. There's no right and wrong in it, that's the whole problem." Another cough, along with the click of a lighter. "I have to go. My flight's gonna be here soon and smoking in the bathroom was a bad idea."
Before Sasuke could reply, the call ended and he put his cellphone back in his pocket. He relaxed against the railing, watching from the sidelines as Tenten ostentatiously, in front of all the guests, picked Neji up like he was a box of styrofoam and raised him about her head.
He tried to find a mop of pink hair in the audience, but instead found a spiked mound of blond hair near a dome of dark lavender standing close together.
"Eh, I guess he's right," Sasuke admitted, letting the petal drop, and winced when he witnessed Tenten throw Neji right into the snack table.
And no one had cake that night
"I'm so sorry, Neji. I didn't think you're break the punch bowl. I also didn't think you're land the serving fork for the fondue. Or have the fondue fountain fall on your face." Tenten sheepishly dabbed a moist hanky on the Hyuuga, his skin flushed from the first-degree burns and molten cheese. She surveyed his disoriented look and lowered her head. "Once again, sorry."
The prodigy remained mute, which Tenten took as still being pissed off. She bit her lip, cursing herself for her impulsiveness. Really, throwing the guy you've liked for a few years at the food wasn't the best excuse for being jealous.
It was stagnant in the restroom as Tenten treated Neji's wounds, him sitting on the counter as she used the entire supply of paper towels, her nice black dress ripped in some places and crinkled in others from chasing Neji down and also from running when security came. Neji spared her from getting thrown out at least, but she was positive she'd leave anyways from sheer humiliation. Thankfully - or not? - Sakura had not come bursting in yet, yelling at Tenten for injuring her date and causing chaos at her party. Tenten hoped that she could patch Neji up and skedaddle as soon as possible, then spend the remainder of school avoiding Sakura as much as possible.
"Tenten... I have something to tell you."
Oh, but they were both dancers even if Sakura was a year and class below her. They'll have to interact in some way.
"... Tenten? Are you listening?"
She couldn't possibly switch to a new school. What if she changed her schedule and stopped auditioning for school plays? Her mother would kill her though, which was almost as bad as being killed by an angry Sakura. Just by watching Naruto she knew the girl could punch hard.
"Hey Tenten, will you be my girlfriend?"
Really, she should just bucker up! Face her fears and finally confront her demons! She wasn't like Shikamaru, who is literally running away from his problems.
"I want to smang you all night long."
She is a go-getter! She is confidant! She is a talented young woman who is responsible, earnest, and a great listener!
"Tenten will you marry me?"
It's been decided then! She will go out with Neji and talk to Sakura! Even if... even if Neji wants to be with someone as gentle and polite as Sakura; then she will be brave enough for that too...
"Tenten I think I'm pregnant. It's yours."
"Strong, independent woman who don't need no man," the brunette mumbled, deep in thought, staring absently down at Neji's crotch as she had long stopped washing his face.
Neji waited patiently for Tenten to stop spacing out, whistling a tune as he fiddled with the ring in his pocket. He took it out, examining it in the greasy yellow bathroom light, before picking up the brunette's left hand and sliding it onto her middle finger. It was a perfect fit.
The Hyuuga twiddled his thumbs expectantly.
A/N: holy shit I kid you not this chapter deleted itself in various ways four different times. I nearly gave up on it because fuck that shit I am not good with chaptered stories. I am so fucking done. Next chapter is it. Don't expect it soon and don't expect anything quality. Love ya