January 28th, 2013
"Slow down, Rex!"
The dog speeds ahead through the clouds of snow and the snowdrifts that line the banks of the road. Miles behind them lies his town of Four Corners, and the present town is Bozeman.
Seven miles in between. Two hours by foot.
Troy walks to Bozeman once a week, sometimes more often or less often, depending on his mood. Bozeman is his native town and ironically his father's. His mother comes from a different country – Ontario, Canada, to be precise. She moved to Bozeman with her boyfriend (Troy's father) when she was eighteen. They got married and had their first child, Baylie, when his mom was twenty. Their second child, Amelia, when she was twenty-one. Then, along came Troy when she was twenty-six, and their last child, Isabella, when she was thirty-five. His two oldest sisters are in two different private European colleges and Isabella is with their father and has been since she was just over a year old, somewhere off in the United States, no where near him or their mother. Baylie and Amelia are stuck where they are, with no extra money to come back to the United States until they graduate (or so they say). Troy is the only one that is at home where he belongs. Unfortunately, he is also the one who has the most pressure on his shoulders at any given time.
Rex barks wildly as he tramps ahead through the banks of snow at the movement of snow. Troy lets out a slight chuckle as the wind takes the puffs of breath away from his mouth. He shuffles through the messy snow bank that was obviously toppled over by Rex and to the other side of the houses beside him. He then finds another street, empty as all others are at this time of night, and whistles for Rex.
"Get over here before the residents start yelling!" Troy whispers harshly to a playful and bounding Rex.
Rex obeys Troy and slowly trudges over to him, tail between his legs. Troy's arm dangles down to his back and he pets Rex as they walk together through the snow.
They arrive at a large white and red-bricked building. The building is a place that Troy does not want to be and never imagined that he would be here. He finds the pathway to the doors and follows it, Rex hanging closely by. This place has been his second home since he was fourteen years old. He always comes to this building for holidays and birthdays, but this day was different. He didn't want to come to this place all depressed. He didn't want to upset anyone, but he knew that they would have his ass if he didn't come today for his birthday. All of his problems in the entire world have to suddenly vanish when he goes inside this building. Making someone unhappy is a priority, especially in this place. This place is filled with happiness and prayers and hope. Especially hope...
He enters the lit building with a fake happy expression plastered all over his face. He shivers for a moment as his body tries to regulate its heat with the inside of a warm building. He stomps his feet at the entrance mat, shakes his clothes off, takes his coat off, and wipes the snow from Rex's fur. He then pushes another set of double doors open and Rex promptly follows close behind.
A woman in her thirties dressed in green scrubs and a fruit v-neck scrub shirt walks by Troy. She stops in her tracks and gives him a bit of a frown.
"Mr. Bolton, did you walk again?!"
Troy folds his jacket over one of his arms and nods, "Yes, Gina, I walked again."
She crosses her arms and shakes her head, "You know that if you want to come down, you can call and the head nurse will come and pick you up!"
"I know that."
"Then why didn't you call?"
Troy shrugs and tries to look as innocent as possible.
Gina rolls her eyes.
"What?" Troy says.
Gina walks towards him slowly, and when she approaches him, she takes his jacket out of his hands and gives Rex a pat on the head, "You shouldn't be walking outside when it's this cold and snowy, let alone at night. Please, just call if you want to come down."
Troy nods and begins to walk, but she stops him again.
"Happy birthday, Troy," she gives a quick smile.
"Thanks," he replies.
Rex follows him down the main hall, where many of the staff members greet him with 'happy birthday', 'good to see you', 'how are you', 'why are you out so late in the cold', and 'how's Rex doing'. He tries to remain happy, but he's worn from the walk here and he's tired of the same old thing every time he comes to this place. A few new staff members freak out at the sight of Rex, calling for security and telling Troy to leave the building, but many end up laughing after being told that he is allowed inside, asking what his name is, what kind of dog he is, and how old he is. Troy always replies, "his name is Rex, he's an Irish Wolfhound, and he's one". Many gasp at his age and ask how he trained Rex to be such a good dog, and Troy again replies, "I have a lot of extra time on my hands lately".
The elevator ride up to the seventh floor is quite long, considering that many of the staff members use the same elevators as he is in, just to ask him how he was and to catch up on what was going, since it has been almost a month since he was last there. The last time he was here was for New Year's.
He finds the front desk of this floor and waits patiently for the secretary to stop writing something down. She looks up at him and gives him a friendly smile.
"Well hello Troy, you sure came late, but it's wonderful to see you!"
"It's nice to see you too, Patty."
She hands him a clipboard and a pen, "You know the drill".
He signs himself and Rex in pristine handwriting and writes down 11:15 under 'time in'. He hands the clipboard back to Patty and waves to her as he walks down the empty corridor. He knows that behind the closed doors, people are sleeping peacefully with not a care in the world until they wake up and have to start the day all over again.
He turns to the eighth room on the left.
Room 248: Kay Johnston
Troy stands at the door for a few seconds. He reminds himself to be happy no matter what the circumstances are. He needed to block all the other things in life.
He entered the room.
The room smelled of fresh flowers and pretty perfume. He closed the door gently behind him as Rex entered and stayed close by him. Everything was the same, all but the writing board on the wall across from him, which had a different positive message every week. This week's message said, "Every day is different day, so try hard to make every day the best day ever". Hospital equipment is covered by a thin curtain which lines the wall to the left. It is covered with letters of hope and joy, get well notes, and post cards from Europe, sent by Baylie and Amelia. A jumbo-sized teddy bear keeps close watch from a chair in front of the curtain and holds the daily fresh roses picked from the hospital's garden. Many trinkets and nick-nacks sit on a shelf beside him, all from home, and still smells of home. The TV is turned on low and the light is off, so it is best to stay quiet.
Troy sneaks in and turns the corner. He quickly flashes the light on.
A middle-aged woman turns her head towards Troy. She has light brown hair and blue eyes.
"Troy?" she squints.
"Hey mama," he smiles at her and sits down in the chair beside the bed, "how are you?"
She sits up quickly and reaches over to give Troy a hug, "Happy birthday," She embraces him tightly and kisses his forehead and both his cheeks, "I'm great, just like usual". She gives Rex a large hug as well and he returns the favor with loads of kisses and whimpers of joy.
"Why haven't you come to visit me for a while?" she asks innocently.
"I've been really busy mom, I just haven't had time. I know I should have made time, but I just can't," Troy lies.
She frowns a little, "Honey, it's okay. You know that I don't want to interfere with your personal life. I want you to treat me like you normally would. I don't blame you for not coming to see me for a while. I get pretty boring."
"No mom, you don't get boring at all. Don't ever think that," Troy reassures her and grabs her hand. "You're more important to me than anything right now."
"I'll be fine, I just want you to have your life too," she says and strokes his hair gently. "I want you to be a kid for as long as you can."
Rex rests his head on the bed beside Kay and looks up at her, wagging his tail. She places her hand on his head.
"And I want you to be a puppy for as long as you can okay, Rex?" she smiles at him.
Troy exchanges conversation with his mother for a while, trying to avoid the subject of Jessica or Gabriella. He does not want to tell her about either of them, but he has an extremely guilty conscience. At this point in Jessica's pregnancy, it would be now or never for him. He can either tell her or let it go and she would never know about it. Kay babbles on for about two hours freely about the nurses, the doctors, and the on-hand staff, who are all so generous and kind to her in her present condition. Troy pretends to listen, even though other things are crossing his mind.
"So, how have you and Gabriella been? Staying strong, most likely," Kay smiles at him.
A harpoon to the heart. He feels the jolt of sadness and nothing but anxiety runs through his body. How does he tell his mom that Gabriella broke up with him, accused him of cheating on her, and then walked out of his life? How does he tell her that when he sees Gabriella anywhere at any given time, she just ignores him like he's nobody? How does he tell Kay that he still loves Gabriella with all his being, even though it's been almost a year since they broke up? How does he do it?
He doesn't.
"We're great, actually," Troy laughs nervously. "She wanted me to tell you that she said hi."
"I miss seeing you two together. She hasn't came to visit me in about a year now. Why is that?"
Another harpoon tears Troy's heart apart. How does he get around this one?
"She has a job that is an hour away. She's so busy with work and school that we barely have any time together."
"Oh, that's fine. I was just curious," Kay says.
Troy looks at his watch. He pretends that he is late for something.
"Mom, I have to get going," Troy quickly stands up. "I have an interview at six that I can't miss. It's going to take me two hours to get home and get some rest, then I have to wake up. I shouldn't have even came down, I should have waited until tomorrow-"
"That's okay, just don't wait so long to come see me again! You know I miss you," she says.
Troy bends over and kisses his mom on the cheek. She returns the favor with a kiss on the forehead and gives him a tight squeeze, "I love you," she says.
"I love you too, mom," Troy stands up straight and pats Rex on the head.
"I'll see you soon," she waves to him as he backs towards the door.
"I'll come see you soon," he promises as he switches off the light
He opens the door, steps out, and closes it behind him. Rex stands outside, staring at Troy, waiting for his next move. Troy begins down the hallway very slowly. He passes the first few doors.
"Why didn't you tell her, that's why you came here, after all," he scolds himself.
He knows that within the next few months, he will be back and forth to this hospital, signing papers for his mom, signing papers for Jessica, and walking the seven miles here and the seven miles home. He knows Jessica will have the baby and he will be here in this hospital, waiting to sign the final papers for her, waiting to tell her to never talk to him again, and then he will come upstairs to talk to his mom, when he has to put on the most fake, happiest face in the world, knowing that he just threw a piece of himself into some strangers' arms and left. No matter how bad the day is, he has to come to see his mom with a happy face.
Troy is not happy. He is miserable in his body. He is miserable knowing that his baby was going to go to someone else. He will never get to see his child grow up. He is miserable knowing that his mom is sick and is not getting any better, that one day, she may die and he will never get to see her again. He is miserable knowing that his sisters are all the way across the world from him and they are living carefree, happy lives and not worrying about a damn thing, especially their own cancerous mother. He is miserable knowing that his dead-beat father is out there somewhere, wondering about his three other kids, or maybe not and just living life with only one kid. He is miserable knowing that his little sister, Isabella, will never get to know her big brother, her big sisters, or even her own mom. He is miserable knowing that Gabriella is living her life like he had never been in it.
He is downright miserable. He loathes they who have a carefree life.
Troy turns on his heel and runs back down the hallway. He passes all the sleeping patients' rooms and all the staff members, who wonder what he's doing. Rex follows behind, whimpering because Troy has left him alone, and he was trying to catch up. Troy enters his mom's room without knocking and Rex bolts in right after him, only to stay by the door. Troy flicks the light on.
"I thought you were going home-"
In the presence of his mom, he shows his true self. He is angry and upset. He is worn out, he is tired, he is weak. He is confused, distraught, fired up, and innocent. He plunks down in the chair and his head falls into his hands. Tears fall from his eyes.
"Is something going on, Troy?" Kay sits up again, swings her feet around the bed and stands on her feet. She placed her hands on Troy's shoulders and kneels down to his eye level.
"Tell me what's wrong, honey," she removes his hands from his eyes and pulls his face up to look at her, "tell me."
"Mom, I can't do it anymore," he cries out.
"What can't you do anymore?"
"All this stress," tears fall down his cheeks.
"From me being here?"
"Not just that."
"Then what else?" Kay takes one hand off his shoulder and pulls another chair up to Troy. She rubs his arm.
"It's a long story," he looks away from Kay, trying to contain his tears, but to no avail, they continue to fall.
"Start at the beginning then, you know I'm always here to listen," she grasps his hand.
"I'm so ashamed, mom."
"Just start at the beginning, Troy," she assures.
Troy sobs a few times before starting his story.
"Early last March, the school let out one day and I waited in the parking lot for Gabriella to finish talking to her teacher about her grade in the class and she never came. I thought that she went with her friends, so I was about to leave and her friend asked me for a ride home. I said okay, and I took her home. I went home. Gabriella wasn't there. I thought it was strange, so I went over to her parent's house and they said that she didn't want to talk to me."
Troy stops for a moment to sob a little more, then continues.
"I went upstairs without her parents knowing and she was there, she was hysterical, she was so upset, it broke my heart, mom," Troy jerks a few times.
"Go on," she says.
"She said that she hated me, and I asked her why, and she said that I cheated on her with her friend. I never cheated on her, I was always faithful to her, I love her next to loving you."
"And she broke up with you?"
"She did. Her other friend came over to the house to collect all her things and she was out in the car, crying, and I went out and told her that I didn't cheat on her and I took her friend home. She thought I took her friend to the house and slept with her while Gabriella was talking to her teacher. I wasn't there when she was done talking and she saw me dropping her friend off at her house. Mom, I never did and now she hates me..."
"Troy, this was over a year ago-"
"But that's not it!" he shakes his head.
"What else is there?" Kay moves closer to him.
"That May, my friends brought over this one girl, and her name was Jessica. She was really pretty, you know, and I was still really torn up over Gabriella. I didn't know anything about this girl, and she asked me out, so I went ahead and dated her for about three days-" Troy cuts himself off and shuts his mouth.
"What else happened?"
"N-nothing, mo-m,"
"Bull, tell me what happened," she says.
Kay doesn't know that Troy isn't a virgin. He never told her about anything he has done with any given girl, other than Gabriella, because they were together for over three years. He lost his virginity to Gabriella, but he NEVER told his mom. He never dared to tell her.
"I slept with her," he confesses.
The shock in Kay's eyes is something that Troy has never seen before. She just stared at him with a blank expression on her face.
"You... You slept with this girl?"
"Yes," he nods.
"Were you smart about it?"
A nervous streak went down his spine.
"I didn't think anything would happen, it was my first time with her, she was on birth control, I was pretty sure nothing would happen-"
"Oh god, Troy," Kay sighs and stands up.
"Mom, please don't make it any worse-"
"Is she pregnant?" Kay looks down at him with a serious look on her face.
This is the flight or fight moment. He can either say no, or tell her the truth.
"She's eight and a half months right now. I could be the father, or a various amount of other people could be the father."
Kay almost begins to cry herself. Troy sees tears well up, but none drop from her eyes. She quickly wipes them away.
"This is not good, Troy," she crosses her arms and has a seat in the chair again, "I don't think you realize the severity of this."
"I do, mom, I really do," he sobs, "right now, I'm assuming that her baby is mine and I told her that I would put my name on the birth certificate if she would leave me alone. So right now, she sends me tons of paperwork that I have to fill out for this kid. I dropped out of school because nobody would leave me alone about it. My coach threw me out of basketball because he didn't want to look bad himself. When she got to be about five months along, she decided to put it up for adoption. So, I have double the paperwork to fill out."
Troy places his face in his hands once again. He jerks a few times with his sobs and wretches out warm tears. She rubs his back and rests her forehead on the top of his head. His emotions find their way out of his body slowly.
"I miss dad and Isabella, and I wish Amelia and Baylie cared a little more about you, and you weren't sick..."
"I know, Troy," her tears fall from her eyes as well. "All the pressure was just handed over to you and it shouldn't have..."
"I'm so sorry mom, I really screwed up," Troy pleads, "please, don't be mad at me."
"I'm not mad at you, Troy," she kisses the top of his head. "I'm sorry that you've had all this thrown on you. You should be your age right now, going out with friends and having a good time, focusing on school... I just wish you would have told me earlier."
Troy cries into Kay's arms, just like a little boy and his mother, he's pleading for her forgiveness and she's telling him that it's okay, but he doesn't believe her. Nothing is okay.
"Here..." Kay pats the right side of the bed, "get up there."
Kay scurries around to the other side of the bed while Troy lifts himself up on the right side. He rests his head on the pillow while Kay covers him up.
"Just sleep," she says and kisses the side of his head.
Troy shuts his eyes, and automatically, he's asleep.