She couldn't wash him out of her mind. The warmth that she had felt while they were close haunted her. She wanted to get to the bottom of this, but she was not able to manage those emotions…damn she could barely name them. So many emotions passed by her at the thought of that moment. She felt trapped. She needed some liberation and she didn't even know well from what.
This had been a routine for the past days and as the party day came closer, it became more suffocating. Her son's words of a few weeks ago echoed in her mind one more time.
Am I happy?, she thought to herself not quite aware of why was she linking this to the events with Dan. But yet again, she seemed not to be sure of a lot of things lately.
She wasn't sure of many things, and most of them related to Dan. She mentally cursed the day she let him get this close to her again…and she didn't even remembered when that had been. As she tried to get to the bottom of this new mystery, she began to reach the conclusion that it had been a sequence of events. From her realizing that he had been an amazing friend to her son, to the light conversation in the car…it had just been natural! Nothing had to be forced out of them and little time did the trick.
However she could not say that she was completely convinced of this change of character. Maybe he had never changed? Maybe he had always been like that, and I just forgot? No! No…no, he wrote those things; he tried to destroy everyone that had once been close to him. If he was that wonderful guy that I thought, he would have never been able to pull such a destructive endeavour! , Blair argued mentally with herself, Wait!...there was a point where I thought he was wonderful, a-and…I…I let him go, and not in the best way. I must have hurt him pretty badly…no, I couldn't have, he didn't even wait before he ran to in between Serena's legs. That…that hurt too…, Blair shook those feelings out of her head. She hadn't remembered that feeling in a while, and yet again, he had her remember it. Long time ago she had acknowledged that she had wronged him; she should have broken up with him before going to declare her love to Chuck, but what he didn't know is that she just couldn't do that. Breaking up with Dan in person would be like slapping your best friend as hard as one can across the face as a reaction for them being always there, always having your back, always bringing up the best of you…for that reason she hadn't been able to do it all those years ago. It wouldn't be fair for him. But that was not enough to justify her weakness, because that is all that it was…weakness. She wished she had a chance to say that she was sorry, but the first time she had seen him again he was being escorted by no other than Georgina. This had infuriated her more that she could ever put to words. Then he began to write and to expose all of his closest friends, her included…one by one. He had been ruthless and at that point she started to believe that he was more like them than she thought. This made her heart sank because she knew that this had been her mark on him, before that he had been the most wonderful person she had ever met and now he was less like himself. Later on he asked for her shelter, and deep down she hoped that this would be her chance for redemption, for breaking his heart and for turning him into a perfect Upper East Side specimen. But his sex tape wit Serena proved her one last devastating thing…he had always been like that, her leaving him just brought it publically. She had been wrong about him, about him being this wonderful person and the heart break of yet another of her lovers to run to Serena's arms while still on a relationship with her…and to doom it all at the same place! This became a recurrent thought as she tried to heal her way up by trying to prove Dan wrong, to prove him that Chuck was perfect for her in ways that he could never be, to prove him that Chuck wanted her above everything else. And along those lines of thought she began to form this darkened image of Dan, stripping him of any good traits that he had shown her before. He was no longer the sweet, dependable and lovable Dan; he was a pure dark image of himself. She married Chuck and he married Serena.
That was the end of it.
Blair started to feel her chest crush and she felt desperate for something she wasn't even sure of what it was. She was tired of not being sure…she needed to clear her head.
With that she grabbed a light coat and putting her sunglasses on she exited the building. She wanted to take a walk, she was sure of that…so she walked. Her possible destinations still forming in her mind but she couldn't decide where to go. Finally one place crossed her mind…and she was sure that there was where she wanted to go.
Dan sat in front of his computer. The block spell that he had been under had been lifted and words would just spill. He had to write all of the down, and for that reason he had been sitting there for hours, occasionally making a break to crack his knuckles and stretch his fingers just to seconds later bringing them back to their sport over the keyboard.
He was writing a love story.
A story filled with intrigue and heart break. It was actually more like an adaptation of current Manhattan's elite into the probation period. He was sure, regardless the years that set both societies apart he would be able to manage to bring some accuracy to it.
It was all about failed romances that returned to hunt the main character. A little bit too obvious, but he had planned to cover his tracks and this time no one would be able to connect the characters with someone from real life. There was no clear link of similarity in the names like before with Clair for Blair. The physique was also something that wouldn't raise any suspicions. He had learned his lesson.
Inside he knew that all this writing energy had been just a way for him to put out his frustrations about the recent event with Blair. He hated her…he despised her, and there he was trying as hard as he could to get the image of her lips out of his head. The sex dreams were not helping either.
He noticed that he had stopped writing to allow himself to indulge in the thought of her. That had been another moment were he would take a writing break, but he simply didn't want to admit it.
He was completely in love with his wife, there was no doubt about that but at the same time the idea of Blair brought warmth to his heart. And as a man he couldn't help but get aroused by the thought of her. Her figure had always been superb, and after getting to see her naked he couldn't help but to feel excited.
Damn Blair and the way she walked back into his life.
He wouldn't have that; he would not let the brunette vixen to crawl her way back into his heart. She had made her choice in the past…and there is where they remained.
No coming back.
She opened the door to her old room slowly.
"It is as nothing has changed", she declared just for her ears as she stepped in.
She sat on the edge of her bed and looked around sinking in the feeling of peace. She loved to go to her maiden home whenever she needed peace. There, time hadn't passed and she was sent back to any moment in time that she desired; she didn't have to deal with how the moment eventually ended. It was a silly delusion really, but she would still return here to do the exact same thing another time.
A thought crossed her mind.
A suffocating feeling all of the sudden overpowered her. She needed something to stop it, but she didn't know what. Her heart was crushing and aching with how much she had missed what she was looking for. Once this realization sank in, she understood what to look for.
Dorota heard Blair rumbling things in her old room.
After setting the croissant on the tray with the tea, cream, sugar, jam and a flower, Dorota lifted it and proceeded on her way to Blair's old room.
She wanted to deliver the treat to Blair, but what she wanted the most was to know what had set her off to begin such a noisy hunt.
The door was half open, and with a soft touch of her should it opened completely revealing an image of Blair going through boxes that used to be under the bed. Those were her memorabilia. Blair had the habit of storing items that someone very dear to her had offered, even if they were just scratches on a napkin.
Dorota just stood at the entrance waiting to receive some recognition of her presence by Blair. Suddenly, Blair lifted her head from the box and acknowledged her maid's presence.
"Dorota…where is it?" Blair asked with a very discreet hint of despair in her tone.
"Where is what Mrs. Blair?" Dorota asked looking concerned.
"The crown Dorota…where is the crown?"
In that moment all made sense. Dorota had noticed that something had been off with Mrs. Blair for quite some time, but now she finally understood the demons that duelled inside her mistress.
She knew what to do.
She put down the tray on the desk slowly and exited the room with caution, leaving a bewildered Blair behind.
Dorota ran down the steps and entered the kitchen with a fuss. She started searching for a very specific tin that contained a very special paper that she had founded in a park, and for some reason saved.
She didn't know what would she accomplish with this, but she would for sure find out.
Blair continued her persecution for the plastic crown that Dan had once given to her. She had remembered how that gesture had made her feel, and she needed to hold the precious token to try to remember what it had been to feel like that.
She wanted that feeling back again, and she was sure that holding that object would help her to get her mind off of it.
Tears started to threaten their way out as she began to grow frustrated with her lack of success. She swallowed hard, telling herself that this was no reason for tears…she was stronger than that.
Her heart skipped a beat at the sight of the shiny object that she had just spotted on a forgotten drawer. She lifted it from where it had been, untouched, for the past years and the memory of the fluffy pink dress, the steps, the girls and his smile came rushing to her mind. Along with it came the memory of what she felt…everything from the sweetness of his gesture to the warmth of his lips against hers.
That did it…Blair's throat formed a knot and warm tears started to fall down her cheeks. She didn't know exactly why she was crying, but she didn't care…she just had to. She hugged the crown close to her chest and let the tears fall in silence cry.
For the second time that day, she hadn't been aware of Dorota's presence by the door. However, the maid had seen most of what had just happened and her heart suffered with the sight of Blair in such a predicament.
Clearing her throat, Dorota made herself noticed and Blair wiped her tears quickly while inhaling deeply.
"Mrs. Blair", Dorota tested the waters "When we went to park to feed ducks and bumped into Mr. Lonely boy…"
"Yes…?!" Blair sang encouraging Dorota to continue.
"He dropped paper and I keep." Dorota said with a shy voice and paused to turn her attention to her apron. Blair just stood there, tears still visible on the corner of her eyes and with a confused expression plastered on her face as she watch Dorota's every move. After a few seconds, Dorota found what she had been looking for. Gently she removed the white paper from a pocked and extended it to Blair. She took it cautiously, not sure of what to expect. "I don't know if helps…but I think that Mrs. Blair should decide."
Blair looked at the paper with terrified written all over her face. She eyed it for a while gaining the courage to unfold it.
She read the paper carefully, taking in every word of the short sentences he had written.
The paper read:
Reasons why I went from loving the bitch, to hate her:
1 – She dumped me without a word, an explanation…anything.
2 – She used me for solace, because no one else was available.
3 –She hated me when she got back from her summer with Chuck.
4 – She forgot all that I have done for her, and set me aside on my darkest hour.
5 – I really loved her.
As she was reading it she felt her heart sinking at every word. Knowing what he really thought about her was making more damage than she would like to allow. His words hinted her as a despicable person and yet she felt like she deserved to be treated as one. She had hurt more than she would ever be able to understand, and his words were proof of that. She could feel the anger, jealousy, angst and disappointment that he felt towards her with those short lines. Yet one part had not escaped unnoticed to her, in fact it kept echoing on the back of her mind causing the tears to spill one more time.
I really loved her.
She always knew he had. How could have he done all the things he did for her if he hadn't? And yet she hadn't been able to return the feeling. At the time she just didn't know how to do that! She had been damaged and even thought he was doing an incredible job at trying to fix her, she had in herself her greatest obstacle. Somewhere along the way she had twisted her own view of herself as someone bad to the core, unable to be loved. How could she have loved him without loving herself? She loved how he made her feel…strong and safe, but she was not quite sure she loved the person that she was around him, she didn't recognize herself. Her tears were now rolling down her cheeks at a faster pace, and she covered her mouth with her hand in a bad attempt to hide a sob.
She just stood there with the white paper in her hand and in the middle of her room, crying. She felt like she had lost. She felt like she had done a huge mistake and she just had no chance to solve it. She had doomed herself and there was no one to blame except for herself.
Dorota gave her the pity look that asked if she wanted to be comforted. But the sobbing Blair gave no signs of willingness to accept the gesture. She just wanted to be alone with her pain.
"Dorata…please!" She looked at the maid with tears in her eyes and a clear plead in her face. With that Dorota nodded and left the room, closing the door after her to leave Blair to her desired solitude.
Once alone, Blair found her way into the bed and laid there crying, holding still the paper and the crown.
A week passed without any worth telling event. Dan, Blair and Serena had been busy with the last preparations for the coming party, which lead to them seeing each other more than they desired.
For Dan, seeing her was just a reminder of his thin ice situation with the vivid images that his mind would project of her. The dreams that she had stared brought certain redness to his face whenever they would touch due to an unfortunate accident. For Dan, seeing Blair brought lust to his heart.
For Blair, seeing him was a dreadful experience. She would find herself duelling inside with feelings of guilt and hurt over his actions, longing and disgust…for Blair, seeing Dan made her feel regret.
The day of the party had come before she had time to realize it and now, there she was in the bathroom of her master suite, fixing her make-up. She had her curls hanging loose and the light make-up gave her a relaxed appearance. Most unlike the way she was feeling inside. She was excited to see her son's face when he saw the party she had planned for him, but she was not looking forward to spend the whole afternoon with the presence of a Dan Humphrey to bring her mood down.
She sighed deeply taking another look at the mirror as if she needed to encourage herself to leave the house. She shut her eyelids close for a fragment of time, and when she opened them she was ready to go.
She grabbed her things and proceeded to exit the room. However a last thought crossed her mind. She instantly returned inside to search for the white paper that Dorota had found in the park. As soon as it was spotted, she placed it gently in her purse and left the room definitively.
"Henry it's time to leave!" She shouted from downstairs.
After a couple of silent minutes her son came rushing down the stairs with a brilliant smile plastered all over his features. As he reached her side, Blair bent down to place her hands on his cheeks and to look him straight in the eyes.
"Happy Birthday Sweetheart." She said giving him a peck on the cheek.
"Thank you mommy!"
"You know your daddy would love to be here, but he just couldn't. Your daddy loves you very much." She said looking at him with motherly tenderness "I love you so much sweetheart" She finalized it giving him another peck.
"I know mom!" Henry said, letting out a light laugh.
"Alright…let's go then! I believe there is a birthday party waiting for us!" Blair said and they entered the lift.
A/n: So how did you like it? Thanks again for keeping on reading ;P
-patricia