That summer that had brought so many changes in their lives was coming to an end. Blair and Dan had managed to break from the old prejudices that had followed their heartbreak, just to fall back in a whole new set of them. Habits can be a hard thing to break from, and certainly their animosity for each other had become a habit.
They had done their best to avoid each other, and they had succeeded. The only time they would see the others' face would be in their dreams, being those tortuous daily mirages or intricate webs with a touch of reality during the night. As for who would think about the other more regularly, it could be called a tie.
Sometimes in her office while trying to focus on the demanding tasks of a CEO, Blair would find herself brushing tears that had started to run down her face…you do only know what you had once you lose it, and Blair had lost it twice. The difference was that this time she knew it had been because of an old bad decision; in fairness she did not regret choosing Chuck that much since it had brought her Henry, her beloved son but another side of her wished he could be Dan's child. She felt trapped and all she wanted to do was run until she dropped from exhaustion; she was desperate to dry all the un-fallen tears but she simply didn't know how. She could go to Dan and beg him to at least give her an explanation of why had he wanted to break free from her, just after they had reconnected. His argument was valid and at the same time it made no sense. What they had shared that day on the loft had been wonderful and definitely there had been strong feelings attached, at least that's what she felt. But she would never surrender her pride and ran to him begging for his love…begging for him to love her again; she wanted that though, she wanted him to forget about Serena, press reset and wake up once again in each other arms in a time where there had been no sex tape with Serena and Dan being the stars. Her vision started to blur again as her eyes filled with tears once again…she didn't recognize herself anymore, where was the strong and independent woman that she had always been? Beaten and broken by her pride and the consequences of all her mistakes.
Chuck had been a whim. She had believed for so long that they were epic, the most powerful combination in the Upper East Side that she eventually felt in love with the idea of them; after all there had always been something that Blair had love more than everything else, and that one thing was status. When she started to have feelings for Dan that notion had been shaken, not only he had been Serena's sweetheart, he could not help her with her ambitions of power and status, he would have the complete opposite effect on that…he was a nobody, but a nobody that she eventually grew into liking. There could be no better match for her intellect and since she was already a powerful woman, it would be acceptable to downgrade herself from a match with the omnipotent Chuck Bass to a harmonious match with a Daniel Humphrey. But she had not been armed with such a strong psyche back then and she had been blinded by what had been expected of her and by Chuck's poisonous charm. But now she was paying the price…now she was fully aware of what she had given up to be with the wrong man, and for the first time she was morning a relationship that she had broken. There could be no worse feeling than to lose something at your own hands and then, regretting that lose.
Her phone vibrated announcing the receiving of a text message. Blair thought about ignoring it once she saw the sender's ID, but she decided against it. It was not fair that her friendship with Serena had to suffer because she had a crush on her friend's husband. That was all that Dan was to her…a crush; she was just a bad looser and that was the reason why she was hurting so bad after he dismissed her.
"Hey B! How have you been? I feel like it has been forever since the last time I've seen you…I miss my best friend!" At this point Blair's heart took a turn…best friend, if only she knew that she had made her husband scream her name in pleasure. The image of Dan's face has he came inside of her, came to her mind giving her cheeks a small flush. "What are you doing today? I would love to go for a coffee with you! Let me know : ) xoxo"
Blair felt bad. She had neglected her friend that theoretically had done nothing wrong to her simply because Blair was being a small child, jealous of the other because she got to play with her favourite toy. Once again, she felt bad for comparing Dan to a toy….he was just a crush, what was wrong with her?
Blair thought about a thousand ways of letting her friend's proposal down, but she did need to get out of the monotony that she had fallen into, and maybe being with her best friend was all that she needed. Or the complete opposite. Disregarding this last thought, Blair quickly moved her fingers through the keypad to write Serena a response.
She stared at her phone watching the little animated envelope being sealed and sent away. Part of her wanted to receive a notification that for some reason the messaged had failed in being sent. Her stomach twirled just with the idea that she would be sitting in front of the woman that was spending the nights with the man that she desired. But when she received the confirmation that her message had been sent, she felt a certain relief. She did miss her best friend and how easy it had once been to talk to her about whatever was going on in their lives.
Blair had her mind in some un-important reverie when her phone vibrated indicating an incoming text. From Serena.
"Hey B!" Serena greeted enthusiastically at the sight of her best friend walking in the coffee parlour. She stood up to welcome her friend in a tight hug that Blair mimicked half-hearted. "I've missed you! How have you been?"
"Oh, the same…work, Henry, Chuck, work…" she replied while sitting down. "Nothing extraordinary." Except for the fact that me and your husband got busy with each other a couple of weeks ago…Blair thought and immediately felt a tug in her heart for both herself and her friend.
"When is Chuck leaving again? Does he know already?"
"You know Chuck…things will come up un-expectedly and off he goes. And since he started developing this idea of extending the Empire to a hotel brand, he has even less time." Blair said matter of factedly without showcasing much emotion regarding her husband's constant trips. "That is what you get when you are a power couple, right? We both have business to develop and with that come a great deal of traveling."
"Queen of the Upper East Side!" Serena stated with a fake serious expression breaking it down with a laugh that Blair reattributed.
"But something tells me that asking about Chucks impending travels was not the reason why you called me here?"
"Oh come on B…can't a girl just want to spend some time with her best, oldest friend?"
"Spit it out!"
"Alright!" Serena gave up and started playing with a lock of her hair. "I think I'm ready to take the next step with Dan, B." Serena spat out not very sure of what she was saying, or maybe just dreading what her best friend had to say about it.
"Next step?" Blair asked confused, not really sure of where this conversation was going.
"Starting a family!" Blair almost choke on her own spit. Her mind started to race through thoughts of a pregnant Serena and a loving Dan next to her caressing her very pregnant belly. She felt sick.
"Are you sure you are ready for this?" Blair asked not sure if she wanted a reply. Hell she didn't want to hear another word about this topic.
"I think so B." Serena was not looking at her directly in the eye; instead she kept playing with her locks, curling them up around her fingers. "I mean…I love Dan and he loves me too, we are young and successful. This is the perfect time, isn't it?"
"Serena this is a very serious step that requires a lot of sacrifice. You will have to put your career on hold for the duration of your pregnancy and for the first months of your baby's life. I love Henry…God he is the most important thing in my life…but I had to give a lot of things up when I had him that I realized I was not ready yet to do so."
"I'm ready B…I know I am!" Serena finally looked her in the eye and Blair felt a coldness grow in the pitch of her stomach when she saw the determination on her friend's eyes.
"S…I'm sorry to ask but is there something else triggering this urge to become a mother?" She was dreading the answer to her next question, but something inside of her told her that she needed to know the answer to it. "Are things with you and Dan going well?"
"Oh everything is going just perfect. Yes, sometimes Dan gets a little bit distant but that's his writer soul taking the best of him; but disregarding that everything is perfect." Serena finished with a smile and Blair felt her throat tightening. She wished Serena would have something to complain about; she wished she would have said that he hadn't touched her in a while, that she wanted to have this baby to salvage her marriage. But apparently that was not the case and at that realization she felt dirty for wishing her best friend everything but marital bliss.
"Then you should talk to Dan about it." Her heart sank as soon as her own piece of advice was out of her mouth. She knew she was in trouble, she knew that her heart would not hold the grief of seeing Serena and Dan bringing a child together to this world. But yet again, she had done the same with Chuck and it was only normal that Serena and Dan would eventually do the same.
"I think I will…" Serena said with a big smile plastered on her face.
The rest of the afternoon went smoothly with some casual chat and a bunch of updates on Serena's side. However Blair's heart and attention was nowhere near that coffee table. At this point all she wanted to do was to go home and get in bed with her husband so that he could make everything wash away. She felt desperate to fall in love with Chuck again…with her choice…but right now all she could feel was the cold sting of both regret and jealousy.
Dan was sitting in front of his computer with a bunch of papers around him. Most of them were notes that he had taken just a few hours ago in one of his many walks for inspiration. He was completed submerged in his plot when the elevator doors opened with a familiar ding. However Dan did not register the walking beam of sunshine that had just walked him.
Serena noticed how focus her husband was and feeling like surprising him; she walked slowly towards him placing herself behind him. She lowered herself graciously to place a soft kiss on his cheek. Dan jolted at the unexpected contact, breaking from his deep level of concentration.
"Hello handsome!" She whispered sultrily into his ear.
"Hello there!" Dan replied at the same time as he tilted his body to the side to be able to kiss his wife fully on the lips.
Serena moaned into his lips, welcoming his actions. As soon as they broke free she proceeded in sitting on his lap not only to be closer to him but also to be in a more comfortable position for the impending talk that they were about to have. Before starting the topic she kissed him one more time and this time it was Dan's turn to moan into her mouth.
"Dan…" she said out of breath after breaking the kiss. She was not sure how to start this conversation so she just decided to blunt it out for him. "I-I want to have a baby!"
Suddenly Dan's body got tense. He was not expecting something like this to come up…especially not this way. "Serena…" he was at a loss of words. He didn't even know if he wanted a child, let alone with her. As soon as this thought crossed his mind he wished it away as he knew with whom he wouldn't mind having a child and that was just a venomous idea. "Are you sure?"
"Yes…I want this Dan, I want to become a mother and I want you to be the father of my children." Serena spoke with such conviction that Dan was not sure how to let this conversation down…hell he didn't even know if he wanted to let it down. He was extremely confused at this point.
"Wow…I mean…Wooow! I was not expecting that."
"What? It's only natural that at some point we feel the will to start building up a family."
"Of course! You are absolutely right…" Dan started to feel a cold sweat building up on the bottom of his back, "I just…I just need some time to adjust to the idea. I don't mean to sound cruel or anything, but I'm just so busy with this book and its deadlines…can I maybe have some time to think about this?"
"Don't you want to have a child with me?" Serena's voice sounded hurt and Dan felt a pang in his heart. He kissed her softly as if it was his way of apologizing for not being at the same page as his wife was and consequently causing her pain.
"That's not it…" he said when he was done kissing her. "I just need some time to adapt to the idea. After Milo's experience…I need to be fully on board with this and I think I'm not yet warm enough to the idea of becoming a father." Serena let out a cute laugh that confused Dan.
"You are nervous!" She mocked with amusement.
"Well…yeah…it's not every day that your wife comes up to you and tells you that she wants to have a child."
Serena laughed again, lifting up the grey cloud that had been set in the room with her revelation. "I understand." She assured him giving him a quick kiss. "Take your time!" she leaned in for another quick kiss, but it lasted longer than she was expecting. "In the meantime…why don't we start practicing the baby making?" she asked with a sultry, soft voice.
Dan immediately lifted her in his arms and carried her to their bedroom. However his mind was far away from the woman that he was carrying. With Serena's announcement that she was ready to carry his child came the realization that he wished that a specific brunette had been the one to mutter those words.
In a different penthouse in the Upper East Side, Blair lied on her side in bed with a content Chuck recovering his strength next to her. She had done what she had planned. She had texted Chuck to meet her at home in that instant and as soon as his figure stepped out of the door she jumped on him with a now not so regular heat and made her intentions very clear. After a few heated kisses in different spots of the penthouse, they ended up having heated sex in their bedroom.
Blair wanted desperately to feel something with it, but all she could feel was how wrong it all had felt and how much she wanted Dan to be the one making love to her. Because that had become the difference to her, Dan was the love maker; it didn't matter how rough or how slow and tender it was, because at the end it was all an explosion of emotions…mainly passion. She felt dirty and every deep breath that Chuck would take to gain a regular breathing pattern made her feel sick to the core of her stomach; she fight back tears.
Laying there a random thought crossed her mind. Of all things, she remembered a line from somewhere where a blind man was asked if he wished to gain his vision back for a full day. He had said no on the grounds that, why would he want to have something that he wanted so badly knowing that he would lose it all over again and then he would be tormented with the images of what he was missing. Never before had she so deeply understood what that actually meant; she was living it! She had known love for a full day, just to lose it all and to be forever tormented with the memories and hopes of what it could have been. She had made herself go blind. Silent tear finally started to roll down her cheeks.
Their teenage years had been marked by intricate schemes, burlesque behaviours and exclusive parties. Some more than others dwelled in some of those vices and adult life had proven to not fall far from what they had grown used to. They would no longer drink themselves to a drunken stupor nor would they use heavy drugs as an excuse to numb some overwhelming feelings, or even just for a good time. But if there had been something that had not changed one bit, it was the affluence of parties in their lives. They would still mingle with those who they had mingled as they were growing up but now some bigger fishes had been placed in the same aquarium, or at least now they were aware of them.
Summer was the season for these social gatherings, and one of the most expected events was the white party in the Hamptons that had been a tradition since Cici's realm. Lilly who had returned to Bass industries after Chuck's take over, had been the heiress to her mother's tradition. She would move to the Hamptons a couple of weeks prior, to get not only some rest from the busy city life but also for some inspiration. Her daughter and son-in-law would normally follow suit, since Dan enjoyed the peace of the end of the season there to get some inspiration. Normally watching the last quarrels of those who retreat to that area for several reasons, without knowing what had happened during the season, inspired Dan to write intrinsic plots; but this year he feared it would be different. Serena wanted a baby and he wanted, well...Blair, that situation was already twisted enough for him to write the novel of his life, but he would never do so, that would just bring way too much pain to everyone involved.
In the past he had loved this little escapade but this year he was dreading it since it would be the first time that he and Blair would be forced in the presence of the other. Not seeing her made everything much easier and much worst; easier in the sense that without her physical presence he had no impulses to fight against, much worst because she was occupying every corner of his mind and it was driving him insane. However, he had no idea how to get out of this situation, was it something he would have to live with for the rest of his life?
Serena's voice in the background brought him back from this train of thought. She was discussing the party plans with Lilly animatedly when her mobile started to ring. Dan watched as his wife excused herself and exited to the garden only to come back a few minutes later with a heavy expression. Dan didn't even need a word from her; from her face he knew that it could only be one thing: work.
The days that preceded the party had been filled with anxiety. Dan knew that Blair was already in the Hamptons just waiting for her husband to join. However he hadn't seen her once in those days, always find an excuse not to be around any time that she would come to the Rhode's Manor. Blair knew better than to come un-announced as if she too was warning Dan that it was better for him not to be around. He wanted to see her, there was no question in that; every part of him twitched with will and fear in laying eyes on the vixen brunette.
He would have the opportunity of doing so at the party.
Everybody who was someone in Manhattan's society was dressed in white in the glorious garden of the Rhode's house. It didn't matter how long Dan had been a part of that world, he would always look at them with the same eyes as that kid he had been in his teens, fascinated and scared of all this people. The main difference was that back then no one had truly noticed him, he could have had been easily mistaken by a garcon, but now he was there in the condition of husband of the hostess and one of the hottest writers of the moment.
He moved among the crowd with a certain grace that he had acquired over the years; he welcomed and greeted people always making some mention to what he knew about their lives being that a I heard your daughter is going to Yale this Fall, you must be really proud; or a how were your days in St. Bart? People would consider him a great host, after all he did have his ways with words, but on the inside he wanted to be everywhere but there, however he had a duty to fulfil and the possibility of seeing Blair was also a catch. He just wanted to see her, even if it would be for brief seconds…he had to.
He finally spotted her in the distance talking to some random people that he could not pay attention to. She was a vision in white, her auburn locks falling gracefully down her shoulders in beautiful long waves. Her white dress wrapped her body perfectly and Dan could not help but wonder on what was beneath that clothing, her naked body was too engraved in his memory and this outfit fuelled his imagination. His reverie was however broken when a masculine hand rested on Blair's shoulder: her husband's hand. Dan's heart tugged at the sight of him; maybe their recent little rendezvous had awaken the hatred that Dan felt towards Chuck, but in that sole moment all that he wanted to do was to slap Chuck's hand out of Blair shoulders and grab her as his. He was going insane. He was married to one of the most beautiful women in the world, who in fact wanted to have his child and yet he could not help but to pine all over his wife's best friend; a girl that had in fact broken his heart some years ago. Something must have been very wrong with him! Not being able to bear that scenario for much longer, he moved to the nearest drink stand, wishing to numb his pain with a whiskey on the rocks.
Dan's movement brought Blair's eyes to his side of the garden. If he had been there still, he would have seen the mix of hanger, hurt and desire in her gaze. She fought the will to shake whatever thoughts of him crossed her mind, but she decided against and switched her attention to the people that were around her, well...at least her sight was on them because her thoughts were on the man that did nothing but think about her, she was just not aware of that. Without warning some gentle hands rested on his shoulders, and seconds later his wife's face rested on his shoulder too. He welcomed the distraction.
"Are you having a good time?" She asked sweetly.
"It's a great party!" Dan replied half-heartedly and it didn't go unnoticed to Serena.
"Are you still upset that I will have to leave?" She asked with a certain level of regret in her voice. Dan felt relieve that his lack of enthusiasm was being perceived by Serena as a result of her impending trip and the corruption of their plans together.
"Well...yeah, but I will get over it. It was just that I was really looking forward to spend these days here with you."
Serena kissed his cheek sweetly and Dan felt bad for the half lie that he was telling her.
"I know it is not ideal, but I promise that sooner than you expect we will have our little vacation in the Hamptons." She finished her promise with a quick peck on his lips.
From the other side of the garden, Blair watched the couple exchanging this little showcase of affection and she could not help but to feel her stomach grow cold with both pain and jealousy. She wanted to be in Serena's place so badly right now, but even if she would be Dan would not look at her the same way. She could just not compare to her blonde best friend who had taken a man that she loved from her, and caught the one that Blair had wrongly dropped. Chuck watched silently the transformation on his wife's face, a change from a regular pleased expression to a sad visage.
"Is something wrong Blair?" Chuck asked gently catching her by surprise.
"Everything is perfect...I guess I'm just feeling a little bit nostalgic, that's all!"
"Come with me to Blair and Chuck…" Serena mentioned noticing the bored expression on her best friend's face.
"Do I really have to?" Dan asked not really wanting to face his object of desire, especially with his wife next to him.
"Oh come on Dan! You guys seem to have done so much progress while organizing Henry's birthday party!"
If only you knew! Dan thought with bitterness, but obliged to his wife's request. As they were approaching the other couple, Dan could see Blair's body stiffing. She wanted his presence as much as she wanted to be caught wearing a last season's attire. Her eyes were fixed in his and thankfully no one else seemed to notice, it was a mix of surprise in seeing him and disgust…Dan was definitely not comfortable with the situation either. She diverted her gaze to her husband when they were a mere centimetres away. However Chuck and Serena brought the attention to the imminent gathering as they happily acknowledged the others presence by moving quickly into a fraternal hug.
"Wonderful party sis!" it was still creepy to Dan to hear Chuck refer to Serena as his sister, but he knew that somehow they did have that siblings bound.
"Thank you!"
Chuck then diverted his attention to Dan and he felt his blood freeze. "Humphrey…" the way he pronounced Dan's name had always brought chills to Dan's spine, "I have yet to thank you for helping organizing my son's birthday party. It pains me to know that I was not there, but Henry told me all about it." Chuck extended a hand in Dan's direction for him to shake, and not wanting to be rude, he did so.
At the mention of Henry's birthday party, the moment with Blair on the stables came to Dan's mind and he felt a burning desire to taste her lips once again. She was just looking so beautiful in her white dress. "It was my pleasure!" Dan said with a double innuendo.
Blair and Serena were exchanging hugs and smiles at this point, and Dan could not help but to look at the two women in his life, clearly knowing which one he wanted.
"So, ready for another end of the season in the Hamptons?" Chuck tossed the question, more directly to Serena.
"Well, unfortunately this year there had been a little set back…" Serena started to explain giving Dan an apologetic smile. "I was called for a photo shoot, so I won't be staying here." She announced while caressing Dan's arm. Blair watched them with the desire of jumping on her best friend for touching that man in such a way. "So this year it will only be Dan here."
"That's a shame!" Blair commented with masked sarcasm. "And where will this photo shoot take place?"
"In Tokyo! I'm very excited about it but at the same time I really was looking forward for some relaxing weeks here with Dan." Serena said while grabbing Dan's arm and leaning her head on his shoulder.
"Well, I will be travelling to Shanghai very soon; if the dates match you can take the private jet with me and then follow your course to Tokyo. I won't need it in my first days in Shanghai so there is no problem if you take it to Tokyo and then send it back." Chuck proposed with his smooth "I can do it all" voice, it couldn't have annoyed Dan any further, but all of this gave him an idea.
They kept on with the light chat until Dan excused himself. Before he left the group he exchanged a furtive gaze with Blair, hopping that she would understand where he was getting at.
A few minutes later, still in the company of Chuck and Serena, Blair received a message from an unknown number. "Meet me in the master bedroom." Her heart skipped a beat as she read the message; even though it was not signed she had no doubt of whom it was coming from. Dan. How dared he to ask her to meet him after the stunt that he had pulled in the loft? Didn't he think that she would have any self-respect? She did her best to mask all the feelings that were crossing her mind and heart at that moment and tried her best to focus on the light conversation that was being exchanged mainly by Serena and Chuck. She tried to resist as long as she could but in a corner of her mind the doubt of what could he possibly want with her, wasn't giving her any rest.
Not being able to resist it any longer, she excused herself pledging that she had to go to the ladies room and exit in direction to the master suite.
Blair opened the door slowly, not sure what to expect. She took a while to finally give into curiosity and seek for him and she was not sure he would be still waiting. Her heart was beating furiously on her chest and she was trying to shake away a slight hand tremor. She took a deep breath before entering the room. His figure standing tall a few meters away from the window was the first thing that she laid her eyes upon. He turned into her direction as soon as he felt steps on the hard wood floor.
"Blair..." He let out her name in a relieved exhale, "you came!"
"Yes I did, I'm not entirely sure why I did so thou! I hope you don't have to break to me any news in the area of STDs'" Blair replied coldly. Defense was her best approach and it didn't take long for Dan to realize what she was doing; he knew her so well.
"No...That's not it, I can rest you assure that in that area you have nothing to worry about." He said as he walked one step into her direction to which Blair replied by giving one step back with a stern look on her face. "You look so beautiful!" This thought escaped Dan's mind in the form of words.
"Dan if this is what you called me for, I don't see any point in being here." She stated coldly and moved her body towards the door mimicking an exit.
"No!" Dan semi-shouted while raising one hand in a plead fashion. "I'm sorry...I called here be-because we need to talk..."
"I think we are past that!" Blair cut him off, not bothering to look into his direction nor even moving her hand away from the door knob.
"I don't think so...I..." Dan paused for a deep breath and to gain courage to carry on with what he had to say. "I know I sound like a bipolar kid, but...you do this to me...you scare the hell out of me, because I want you so badly and I don't know where you stand." He took another step into her direction and this time she didn't move. "I mean, there was a time that I thought that you wanted me too, and we all know how that ended up! Like it or not I'm in a good place with Serena now and I just don't want to send it all to hell, just to end up alone." Her hand was shaking again and she found herself fighting back tears, "but at the same time the truth is that I cannot stop thinking about you...I thought that I was doing the right thing back in the loft but, it has only been hell since then..."
"Dan..." Her voice was a completely different tone now, it sounded like she was pleading him for something, "...please stop!" And with that she finally opened the door and exited, leaving a dumb fold Dan behind.
A/n: And here is another chapter...i hope you enjoy it :)
I would also liked to take this chance to THANK YOU ALL for reading my story and for the wonderful reviews that you have written. It is great to get feedback and I must say that it really makes my day to see on my inbox that this story got another review. Thank you so much for that.
-patricia