Hiashi looked at his nephew, wondering what to talk about. It wasn't often that they got to bond with each other, due to Neji being a Branch House member, so he treasured these moments that he bonded with his brother's son. "So, Neji-kun. How is your team doing?" Neji suppressed a shudder. Team Guy was Team Guy, unfortunately.
"Well, you know the deal. Might Guy and Lee hug each other constantly when not training, and Tenten just throws weapons at targets while running at high speeds." Hiashi nodded soberly.
"I see. And how is your training going?"
"It's going well. I think that, by the end of the month, I'll be able to reapply for Genin."
"Really? That's awesome, Neji!" Naruto's interjection went largely unnoticed.
"By the way, when are you going to let me down? Only the blood's rushing to my head."
"Better there than… the other way!" Neji flushed red at that. Some ninja were born lucky. Others were very lucky. Naruto appeared to have a third leg. On a completely unrelated note, Neji was contemplating becoming a swordsman. That way, he'd feel a little better about himself. Maybe Tenten could help out, he'd seen her throwing swords enough to know that she could handle a sword.
Naruto was currently hanging upside down from the rafters, with a loincloth over his groin. Hiashi and Neji were sitting underneath him, while Hinata tried to break out of her bondage.
"Neji, when I break free you'll…you'll…" Good thing that Hinata couldn't really be nasty, otherwise Neji would have been a bit more apprehensive. With a cough, Hiashi turned back to the matter at hand.
"Enough formalities." Naruto turned an interesting shade of purple.
"FORMALITIES?! YOU TIED ME UP AND THEN STARTED TALKING WITH EACH OTHER!" Hiashi turned to him.
"Exactly, I was doing the traditional Hyuuga Bonding With Your Nephew Conversation." Somehow, Naruto could feel the capital letters slide in with each word.
"Do you guys have traditions for everything?"
"Yes. Including what to do with people who sleep with a Main Clan member."
"W-WAIT! I don't remember anything, I was drunk!" Hiashi turned to him.
"Drunk?" Naruto tried to nod.
"Yeah, I was so depressed about the old man dying, I hit the paint thinner." Hiashi and Neji looked at each other in a confused manner, before Hiashi nodded.
"You don't act hungover."
"I've never had a hangover in my life." Hiashi looked at him (well, he thought he was looking at him, it was hard to tell with their freaky eyes) with a look of envy.
"You lucky bastard." Neji coughed.
"The choices, Hiashi-sama?" Hiashi nodded, and turned his face towards Naruto.
"Naruto Uzumaki, you have two choices. Either you marry my daughter and endure the 72-hour welcoming ceremony without moving a muscle-"
"What."
"Or, we preform the Castration Strike on you." Hiashi looked particularly pleased about that option.
"What?"
"Essentially, we strike your testicles with Jyuuken, making them explode. The process is extremely painful, and you might die from bloodloss. But, on the bright side, you will be able to sing soprano for the rest of your life. Which do you choose?" Naruto considered. Either not move for three days and get married, or have his family jewels destroyed.
"Will I have my jewels unattacked when I'm married?"
"Yes. How else would you consummate your marriage?"
"In that case… I'll marry Hinata." Hiashi looked slightly despondent, as far as Naruto could see.
"Very well. I'll start the arrangements." Hinata got free at that point, and started pulling Naruto down. Once down, she then hugged him so tightly he felt his ribs creak.
"I never thought this day would come, Naruto-kun!"
"Stop… air." Blushing, she let up. Hesitantly, he returned the hug, all the while, trying to figure out how he had gone from drinking paint thinner in misery to being engaged to Hinata-chan. Where had he fucked up?
Meanwhile, on the Gates of Konoha, two guards were having an intellectual discussion of great importance.
"So… I had this dream last night." The other guy made a sage nod, and closely dug through his nose for gold.
"So, I was falling off the Hokage monument, and suddenly, I'm saved by Kakashi. And then I hugged him, and said he was really strong… what the fuck does that say about me?"
"It says you're gay."
"What? NO, no, I'm straight as an arrow." The other guard looked at the result of his recent excavations. Satisfied, he flicked it at the gate.
"Well, what do you think it says?" The first guard looked at him.
"I think it says that I'm afraid of the Hokage Monument, or heights, or… SOMETHING! It doesn't mean that I'm gay." The other guard made the official 'whoop de doo' gesture and looked ahead.
"I mean, I'm married, I have a kid, I can't be gay. Those are indicators of not-gayness."
"Uh huh. You keep saying that."
"I mean, look at that chick coming here. She's hot with a capital H! Watch, I'll talk to her!" Smoothing down his unruly mop of hair, the guard cleared his throat. "Um, hey there, hot stuff!" In response, she kicked him into the balls and showed her passport to the other guard, who examined it and approved it. As she flounced past, the second guard turned to him.
"That looks painful. Is that a new stretch or something?" A groan came from his comrade in response.
Sasuke, out of desperation, started searching his apartment for a sign of anything he did on the last night. The only sign he found was a hospital armband, and another seal on his body. It was something he didn't recognise, and it was on his stomach, just under the belly button. It kind of looked like a mutant Yin-Yang sign, what with the two differently toned, intersecting sections, filled with scrawled down kanji. Given that he knew next to nothing about sealing, Sasuke decided to check at the hospital first. After all, he could just check with the Hokage's advisors about the seal.
At the hospital…
The med-nin on duty scowled at the Uchiha boy, who had come in to the hospital again after last night, asking about what he'd done. Given his pale complexion and shaking, he assumed that the boy was having the mother of all hangovers, and was probably going to vomit all over the floor. As the only available professional, he decided to explain things.
"At around 2300 hours, you came in here drunkenly, with Advisor Shimura-san, Clan Head Chouza Akimichi, along with Hatake-san. All of you were roaring drunk, and you were talking about a wedding of some sort. It was pretty hard to pinpoint what you were saying due to your inebriated state, as I'm sure you understand." The Uchiha boy paled even further at that statement.
"My wedding?"
"No, I think it was Hatake-san's wedding you were talking about, given that he was talking about his marriage at extremely loud volumes." Sasuke nodded.
"Right, I'll talk to Kakashi."
"Oh, and one more thing." The Uchiha looked at him.
"What is it?"
"Well, I took a blood test of you from last night, and there was an indication of all of your blood samples containing trace elements of soldier pills. Mixing soldier pills with alcohol is an extremely bad idea, as it causes even larger debits in self-control and energy than normal alcohol, and unless you had your Sharingan activated while drunk, then you're probably never going to remember what happened." Sasuke looked like a paper cut-out at that statement, then activated the Sharingan. After a moment, he shook his head.
"I don't remember anything. Must not have had it active." The nin tried to smile.
"Try talking to Chouza. He had less traces of soldier pills in his system, so he's probably got more memories of what happened last night." The Uchiha nodded, then turned green. The nin sighed, and pulled out a bucket. Unfortunately, one of the other teammate- what was her name again? Cherry? Chose that moment to walk in, on her teammate vomiting in a bucket.
"Hey, Sasu-" She stood, horrified, at the fact that Sasuke was currently vomiting in a bucket. Then, the latest Yamanaka member of the Ino-Shika-Chou trio then poked her head in.
"HEY, FOREHEAD, WHA-" She, too, was mesmerized by the sight of the stuck-up Uchiha chucking his guts up. The sight of this would fill the med-nin with laughter for the rest of his life.