Naruto looked around. The welcoming ceremony could have been worse.

Sure, the old farts who were currently glaring at him like he was the scum of the earth smelled like mothballs, and Hiashi was looking at his crotch in an almost sad way, but at least Neji wasn't here. Man, he still kind of hated that guy for almost killing Hinata, even if he was feeling better. At least the opening ceremony didn't look too boring from where he was sitting. There was a lot of dancing, and Branch House members were serving food. It was pretty funny though, the reactions he was getting from them. He'd just smiled at one guy, and he'd retreated backwards as if the Kyuubi was after him. Weird. He almost raised a hand, but didn't, out of fear of Hiashi interpreting that as, 'you moved too much, say goodbye to your balls.' He would have liked to see Neji though. Have someone explain why the Branch House members were acting like cowards. Oh, wait, he had an explanation- he was a Jinchuuruki, the scum of the village. And the food was good, even though there wasn't any ramen. Maybe it wasn't 'High Class' enough for them.

Meanwhile, Tenten was training alone, throwing kunai, sickles, axes, swords, and even warhammers at targets, still a little annoyed- well, a LOT annoyed- by the events of the Chuunin exams. She knew that she'd just had bad luck in her matchup, but it still hurt her professional pride to admit that she was beaten because she hadn't adapted her tactics to her opponents Wind manipulation.

"Tenten." She turned around, to look at the only other sane member of her team. Neji was looking at the sword in her hand strangely. In his hand… was an extremely long nodachi- easily eight feet long. He looked at her impassively.

"Teach me how to use swords." She looked at him.

"Shouldn't you start off with something smaller?" Neji stiffened slightly, but shook his head. "No, I want to get used to this weight and reach." Odd, but understandable. If he wanted to learn how to use the weapon as quickly as possible, then doing it like that was the best way.

"Alright, you're holding it the wrong way. Hold it in front of you with both hands, for starters." Neji complied, waiting eagerly for lessons in how to use this incredible weapon. Now, Naruto wasn't the only one with something too big for them!

Meanwhile, Naruto was starting to break under the constant pressure of just sitting still. Beads of sweat made their way down his neck, as the oldest and smelliest of the elders started droning on… and on… and on. He'd stopped listening after the first five minutes, and was starting to fall asleep, and the only reason why he wasn't asleep was because Hinata was holding his hand next to him. He was a man of his word, and he wasn't going to fall asleep in front of Old Mothball here! No, he was going to sit through this entire ceremony, even if it cost him his life!

Sasuke growled internally, although he didn't show it. The reason for his anger was because his two fangirls, convinced that he was suffering from some kind of disease, had decided to cure him, despite knowing no healing jutsu and having no medical expertise of any kind whatsoever. As a result, he looked like a badly wrapped mummy while the fangirls were arguing over what to give him in the next room.

"Aspirin!"
"Healing balm!"

"Crystal therapy!"
"Placebo!"

Were they trying to kill him? Who could tell. Oh God, he was going to die and That Man would not suffer his revengeance! Fuck this. Fuck fate.

At that moment, Kakashi nonchalantly mooched into the room.

"Well, Sasuke, I heard that you were ill over the grapevine." He looked at the boy.

"Wow, looks like a serious injury if you have to be covered in bandages like that." Sasuke tried to respond, but only managed to groan. Kakashi just patted him on the head while he eye-smiled.

"Now, now, Sasuke, you can't move too much, or you'll open your wounds again!" While Sasuke struggled to say a bunch of choice insults at him, Kakashi continued.

"Sasuke, I seem to have been married, and I only have you as a lead as to how that happened. I'll get you out in a moment." He pulled out a kunai and started to lower it down, about to free Sasuke from his bondage. Just then, his two biggest (and most annoying) fangirls came in and saw Kakashi about to cut Sasuke free and interpreted the scene differently.

"AH! KAKASHI-SENSEI'S ABOUT TO KILL SASUKE-KUN!"

"NOOO!"

Kakashi's visible eye drooped at the stupidity of that statement.

"What."

Just then, a Hyuuga rushed in and turned to the Uchiha in bondage.

"Uchiha-san, I was told that you were in the hospital, being treated for injuries encountered in battle. In that case, may I say that you are formally invited to the wedding of Hinata Hyuuga of the Main House and Naruto Uzumaki of the Noble and Ancient Uzumaki clan." Kakashi looked at the visitor.

"I'm sorry, but could you repeat that for me?"
"Uchiha-san-"
"No, not that. The bit about Naruto being married. That can't be right." The Hyuuga just looked at him like he was an idiot.

"Well, he is getting married. It's been at least, what, nearly a hundred years since an outsider has married a member of the Main House. At least he has a good lineage." As Kakashi spluttered about this, Sasuke renewed his muffled screams. The Dead last had managed to marry the ONE girl who wasn't interested in him? Well, he could live with that.

"Oh, right, bandages."

By the time they made it to the Hyuuga compound, it sounded like the party was at full swing. Kakashi was still shaking his head.

"Naruto, you will never cease to surprise us." Sasuke made a noncommittal grunt and looked at the perfectly still idiot. For someone who normally couldn't stop moving, he was sitting as still as a statue.

"What's up with the Idiot?"
"Hyuuga are a very traditional clan. Probably a formal ceremony that forces him to sit there for a ridiculous amount of time." Kakashi shrugged, gravitating over to the tables of food and grabbing a bowl. Shrugging, Sasuke did the same. He was feeling quite hungry that afternoon. Looking around, he noticed that some of the Branch House members were looking at him in an odd way. He glared at them and turned to his bowl. While he was filling his bowl and eating, he wondered where that Neji guy that Naruto had fought in the Chūnin exams was.

"Neji, don't you think you should rest? You've been going through the drills for over three hours." Tenten was mildly concerned. Neji sagged.

"No, I'll train a bit more. I have to use this. That way, I can prove to be an awesome Hyuuga."
"I thought you were a taijutsu specialist in Gentle Palm."
"Yes, but now I have a sword in case I need a sword." And with that, he continued going through the basic weapon drills. Tenten just sighed at his stubbornness.

Where does that guy even get his drive from anyway…?

Meanwhile, Sasuke was talking with Kakashi.

"…So that's how I woke up, with this really weird seal on my gut." Kakashi nodded.

"I see. Do you remember anything?" Sasuke shook his head.

"No. I'd say you don't." Kakashi nodded.

"Not a thing. Apart from my new wife."
"Who is she?" Kakashi shuddered.

"Anko Mitarashi."

Flashback no jutsu…

"Uggggghhhh…" Kakashi moaned as he got out of bed, walking over to the door. Trying to open it, he discovered it was locked and covered in strange seals that prevented anyone without a pass from exiting.

"This isn't my door. Where is my door?" As Kakashi searched around for his door, a tired but still terrifyingly recognisable voice came from the bed he had just recently vacated.

"Morning, honey…" He turned around, muscles stiffening.

Anko Mitarashi. The psychopathic Special Jounin, the Snake Mistress, and all-around crazy bitch was currently naked in front of him. While Kakashi was on one level pleased, on all other levels he was terrified. While he was one of the best Jounin in the Village, when Kunoichi were properly motivated, they could destroy even Kage with their power. Briefly, he wondered if the Sage of Six Paths ever had this problem.

Diversion no Jutsu!

The man who would be known as the Sage of Six Paths was currently running away from some pissed-off women who he'd groped. His robes were tattered, his eyes were bugged and he had a nosebleed that was still dripping on the ground.

"GET BACK HERE YOU RED-HAIRED PERVERT!" Despite the dangers, he grinned. Using Banshō Ten'in on those women so that he could grope those beautiful breasts was so totally worth the pain and energy expended. Maybe he should give the energy a name or something…

Then the Ten-Tails attacked and suddenly women weren't chasing him anymore. All was good in the world.

Reversion no Jutsu!

Kakashi shook his head mentally. No way would the inventor of chakra have been beaten up by women just because he peeked on them.

"H-hello, Anko oh god don't kill me or burn my porn I'll do anythi-" She shut him up by pulling his mask down and giving him a kiss.

"Shut up, and come and please your wife." Kakaashi's eye bugged out.

"WHAT?" Anko giggled like an Academy Student.

"Oh, you're so SILLY, Kakashi!" She leered at him and he shivered.

"I like that in a man. Being silly. And you were silly when we married last night."
Married last night? All he remembered doing was getting absolutely shitfaced in the Jounin bar with Asuma…

Wait, usually he could remember things from when he was drunk. To not remember anything at all meant that his drink had been tampered with. As he tried to leave, Anko stopped him.

"Come on, we're on our honeymoon together…" As Kakashi felt his innocence die (again, a unique experience,) Anko pulled out a riding crop and a pair f handcuffs.

"Remember, the safeword is 'Snake.' You got that?" Kakashi nodded, fearful for his manhood.

Flashback end no Jutsu!

"After that, I had sex for two hours with a BDSM bitch." Kakashi pulled down another drink of potent sake. Setting it down, he refilled and continued talking.

"I'll tell you this. My dick feels like it was attached to a Suna puppet master and then slammed into the ground twenty times. I'm not sure how I'm even walking." He shrugged.

"Still, it could be worse. I could be married to a Hyuuga." Sasuke looked at him curiously.

"Why is getting married to a Hyuuga a bad thing?"
"Two words, Sasuke. Herbal Tea. Gives you more… endurance."
"That sounds quite useful in battle." Kakashi turned a strange look on Sasuke.
"Yeah, if you want to intimidate the enemy by having sex with the nearest attractive human being… or goat… in the area." Sasuke blinked, then focused on something he'd heard.
"Why did you say goat?" Kakashi turned a haunted look on him and he shied back a little.

"When I was twelve years old, I saw some fucked-up shit in the war. I saw the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist, I saw the Tsuchikage's Dust Release, I even saw a ninja who was even more badly dressed then Gai." He shuddered.

"There are things that man was not meant to know. I saw it. You do not want to know about the goat." Sasuke wondered what was so bad about the goat that left Kakashi so traumatised. He decided to follow Kakashi's advice on this one.

Author's Notes: I like reviews. Please give me reviews. Authors live on reviews. Reviews make up authors. Authors are human. Therefore, I need reviews to stay alive. Also, we are getting to some weird shit.