Sasuke and Kakashi waited, then as soon as Naruto entered the room they grabbed him and pinned him down.
"AH! I KNEW IT! YOU TWO WANT TO HAVE YOUR WAY WITH ME!" Naruto quickly covered his rectum with both hands, fearful of the 'yaoi' that Sakura was always giggling about when she thought no-body was looking or listening to her. It would make sense for Kakashi and Sasuke to be those kinds of people. Kakashi was quick to reassure him.
"No, Naruto, we're not here to have our way with you, certainly not like that. We're here to ask you what happened last night." Naruto blinked.
"You mean you don't remember what happened last night either?" Sasuke's eye twitched.
"So you're saying that you're in the same boat as we are- we literally cannot remember anything about anything last night."
"No. Usually, I do, even after I've drunk two litres of paint thinner." Sasuke blinked, then decided that the dobe was lying about the paint thinner. Instead, he focused on the other details of the med-nin's report.
"Kakashi." The lazy jounin turned his eye towards the boy.
"Hm?"
"I think we have another lead." Kakashi seized the Last Uchiha by the shoulders.
"Who." The man's voice was laden with desperation.
"Chouza Akimichi. He was with us at the hospital, remember?" Kakashi rubbed his chin.
"Well, I saw him at the buffet table, we might be able to catch him. Then, we can ask him about who put soldier pills in our drinks."
"Wait, soldier pills?" Kakashi decided to humour the boy.
"Yes, soldier pills. Mix soldier pills with alcohol and you have even fewer inhibitions that normal." Naruto looked confused.
"But I thought that soldier pills were destroyed in bleach."
"What?" Naruto pushed a pair of glasses up (where he'd gotten glasses from wasn't thought about at all) and started to explain.
"You see, paint thinner tastes a bit too acidic, so I decided to get some bleach in, as it tastes kind of lemony. But then, it was too bitter, so I put some soldier pills into the mixture to make it taste better." Sasuke just stared at him. How was the dobe still standing? Scratch that; how'd he even lived to be this old?
"Dobe, how are you even alive?"
"What? Everyone likes paint thinner and bleach. They're two great tastes that go well together." Kakashi and Sasuke decided to just roll with it.
"Yeah, sure, whatever." Was the general sentiment of the two. Sasuke looked at Naruto, who seemed a lot more mellow.
"Naruto, you seem… calmer." Naruto blinked.
"Do I?"
"Yeah, normally, you're bouncing off the walls when you've been cooped up so long." Naruto nodded.
"It's just that Hiashi has threatened to cut off my balls with his Castration Palm if I try to move." Both Sasuke and Kakashi winced in male sympathy, of threats to the balls. Many ninja friendships and alliances had been made based on how big the threat to one's balls was. Of course, kunoichi often made friends bitching about their other friends' bigger cup size. Still, the feeling was the same.
"Dobe, I feel for you."
"Now, Naruto, being married is a big responsibility-"
"I'm getting married because of that traditional Hyūga Castration Palm in the first place!" He sank over.
"I mean, sure, Hinata's nice and all, but I don't want to live with Hiashi and Neji!"
"Speaking of Neji, why isn't he here?" Sasuke glanced around.
"I don't know!"
Neji, meanwhile, was grinning in exhaustion. He was going to take a break, then get right back into sword training. Yes… this sword would become as much a part of him as DON'T THINK ABOUT IT GET BACK TO THE SWORD. He started to laugh maniacly.
Tenten watched the saner member of their team burst into maniacal laughter from where he lay prostate on the ground. While he, along with her, were effective bastions against the Power of Gai and Lee, when he started talking about Fate, she knew that it was best to just smile and back off slowly. God, she was the only normal member of the team for the whole time. Sure in her sanity, she picked up a sickle and absent-mindedly calculated the arc she would have to throw it at in order to get the sickle to lodge itself up to the hilt in the tree.
"I really don't know. Anyway, we need to find Chouza. He's probably by the buffet table." Kakashi rubbed his chin.
"We might have to wait until the wedding is over to grab him." Sasuke nodded, then turned to leave.
"Wait, guys, could you save me some ramen?"
"Dobe, you're eating the food of nobles and you want to eat ramen." Naruto exploded.
"HEY, RAMEN IS AMAZING AND THIS FOOD IS GOOD AND-"
"Naruto-sama, you're required to come back for the ceremony."
"-And I'll see you afterwards." Naruto bolted, leaving Sasuke and Kakashi blinking stupidly at the space where he'd been.
"Konoha's Number One Surprising Ninja protocol?"
"Hn."
Now back at the table, Naruto felt refreshed enough to focus on what the Hyūga elders were carping on about. Something about 'marriage consummation.' Well, he could consummate, he just didn't remember much. Seeing that the elders weren't going to stop, Naruto focused minimally on them and started to carefully look around, out of his peripheral vision. Yep, Hiashi was still there, polishing a kunai in a pointed way. There was Hinata's little sister, all serious-like. There was Sasuke and Kakashi-sensei, waving at him form the snack table. Man, how weren't they as big as the Akimichi? Oh, and speaking of the Akimichi, there was Chouji, and Shikamaru, and Ino, all in formal clothes and smiling. Even Kiba was there, wearing a suit that looked WAY too formal and with his puppy sitting beside him. He almost laughed at how fidgety Kiba was, then remembered that he had to be all stoic.
"…As the Elders of the Hyūga clan, we pronounce Hinata Hyūga, daughter of Clan Head Hiashi Hyūga, and Naruto Uzumaki, Clan Head of the Uzumaki clan, legally married Husband and Wife. You may kiss the bride." Blinking in shock, Naruto kissed Hinata. Well, it was… nice. REALLY nice. If he was wearing his old jumpsuit pants, there would have been a considerable tent. He was in a daze when they were led back to Hinata's room with a pot of tea. When the door was shut, and Hinata poured him and her a cup of tea, he drank it down shakily, needing something to do with his hands.
"There goes a man who won't rest for quite a while." Sasuke looked at him.
"How long is the ceremony?"
"Three days, or one day of wedding and two days of mind-blowing sex." Seeing Sasuke's confused expression, Kakashi explained.
"You see, Sasuke, the happy couple get a special tea that is only available to the Hyūga clan. Essentially, it, well, gets your 'hot blood' up for two days straight."
"TWO DAYS?!"
"Yep. We won't be seeing much of Naruto and Hinata."
Meanwhile, in the background, Kiba and Shino were conferring with each other about the loss of their mutual crush, Hinata.
"Well, at least it's Naruto. He doesn't have a dirty bone in his body." Kiba smirked, knowing this from relentlessly staking out Naruto to find whether or not he entered porn shops. It wasn't creepy, he just didn't want him hurting Hinata.
"OH GOD GIVE ME MORE, NARUTO!"
Currently, the effects of the tea on both people were making themselves known in their private bedchambers.
"That's true. Naruto has no impure motivations. Why? Because I have searched his flat for pornography and found none." Kiba stared at his friend.
"You're really weird, aren't you," said the genin who had once been sniffing the blond for the smell of semen after he'd learned about Hinata's crush on him.
"OH GOD THIS FEELS AMAZING! THIS IS BETTER THAN RAMEN!"
"Says the person who literally sleeps with his dog in his bed." Without changing his default facial expression, Shino managed to imply a hundred different things about Kiba that caused him to splutter with incoherent rage before calming down.
"Don't take that attitude with me, Shino, you have BUGS crawling through your body. Can you even-" At Kurenai's disapproving glare, he amended it to "lift?"
"Yes, Kiba, I can 'lift." Shino's face showed no emotion, but there was a certain tightness in his voice that advised Kiba to drop the subject. Kiba wisely dropped it, but resolved to ask his friend later.
Meanwhile, Kakashi and Sasuke were trying to find Chouza, which was surprisingly hard.
"How hard can it be for two Sharingan users to find the head of the Akimichi?" In response, Kakashi lightly tapped him on the head.
"Very. Look around you- more Akimichi than you can shake a stick at." And indeed, the buffet table was swamped by Akimichi. Sasuke 'hn'd' and went off in search of the elusive clan head by doing something that he really shouldn't have- asking for help.
"Excuse me, but we're looking for the Clan Head. We want to talk to him about…" Sasuke wracked his brains for a suitable excuse, "a marriage contract." The large Chūnin looked at the young Uchiha before hollering for the clan chief. Eventually, Chouza came over, and when he saw Sasuke, only the Sharingan was able to pick up on the involuntary shudder that ran through his body.
In a falsely sweet voice, Kakashi said, "Well, Chouza-sama, we must discuss this marriage contract between the Noble Akimichi and Uchiha clans in a more… private venue."
Meanwhile, Danzō Shimura, head of ROOT, was currently packing his bags extremely fast, and panicking. The other ROOT agents were standing around him, listening to him muttering with blank facial expressions. Eventually, Danzō had packed his bags and, forcing it down, turned to leave.
"Danzō-sama." He whirled around, keeping his composure as best he could.
"What is it, 34?" The young, nubile, EXTREMELY sexy young lady with a chest to rival Tsunade's saluted, causing curious shifts in her anatomy that all male members of ROOT tracked with interest.
"Sir, we've been alerted that there is now a council meeting, and we need you there." Danzō paled. He couldn't still be in this village, not after what he'd done. There was doing what was best for the village, and then there were things like what he'd done. He had to leave urgently.
"Tell them that I can't make it." 34 folded her arms under her 'tracts of territory', causing a new initiate into ROOT, Sai, to stoically lose blood through his nose.
"Sir, with all due respect, they want you there immediately. It's a problem that they cannot deal with without your expertise." Danzō almost blushed at this praise, but quickly quelled it down. You are a rock. You are an Island, Danzō. He nodded.s
"Keep my bags packed. 34, you're coming with me to this meeting." She saluted and bounced on the balls of her feet, causing even 69, one of his best operatives, to lose what looked like a near-fatal amount of blood. He sighed. Such was the price of getting decent female recruits. Still, he knew what was best for this village, and he had plans. Learning that the Weapon had been married was a good sign Now, at least, the Weapon was stable enough to send out into battle.