Sasuke and Kakashi were looking at Chouza, who looked back with an air of resignation. Finally, Sasuke spoke in an amazingly calm voice for someone who was so angry at being drugged.

"Why," and there was a twitch in his eye, "did you add soldier pills to my drink. Why would you do something like that?" In his defence, Chouza barely blinked.

"Because you were being a stuck-up, whiny little princess and I wanted to teach you a lesson in humility." Kakashi looked at him.

"Why drug me as well?" Chouza shrugged.

"I wanted to see the Goat Incident again." Kakashi screamed like a little girl and tried to Chidori his genitals off. Sasuke had to hold him back. Chouza looked on with an apologetic glare.

"Just kidding. I did it because you were also being a whiny little princess."
"Was not."
"Actually, you were."

Flashback no jutsu!

"Obito… I failed you!" Kakashi was sprawled, drunk, over the top of the Jōnin bar. Asuma leant away from him. Oh, brother, he'd forgotten that Kakashi was a melancholy drunk, the kind of drunk person who, when drunk, got depressed.

"I'M NOT WORTHY OF YOUR EYE!" And then came the attempted eye gouging, which failed because Kakashi was drunk and he was restraining his hand from gouging out his eye. He feebly struggled before giving up the ghost and instead ordering two drinks, 'one for him n' one f'r O… O… TOBI!'

Diversion no jutsu!

Tobi sneezed, forgetting that he had his mask on.

"Ew." Forgetting that he was wearing the mask, he flipped through the handseals for the Grand Fireball.

Fwoosh.

"OH DEAR SWEET KAMI MY HEAD IS ON FIRE!" The screaming man launched himself out the window and buried his head in the lake, ignoring Konan and her Paper Bombs. It wasn't as if that was some kind of devious plot to kill him or anything, right?

Reversion no jutsu!

Kakashi slugged back both drinks. Just then, the door burst open, and in walked… Asuma surreptitiously disrupted his chakra, as the sight before him was too surreal to be reality.

Chouza Akimichi was wearing what looked like a pair of panties on his head, and he was singing with Sasuke, who was wearing a bra on his head. They were both being supported by Danzō, who was directing them in singing, and was wearing a bra over his bandaged eye, with a pair of panties supporting the bra's placement.

"…And it's hard to get a lay in Iwa, Iwa, it's hard to get a lay in Iwa, Iwa, it's hard to get a lay in IWA!" They finished their vulgar song. He noticed that the Uchiha was drunk off his tits as well.

"That wash a good shong, Danzhō!" The normally uptight man smiled, a real Naruto of a grin. Asuma stabbed his hand. This was totally a genjutsu.

"Ishn't it? I learned it from Shenshei Tobirama Shenju." Kakashi staggered over to them, drink in hand. He'd forgotten how bipolar he was when drunk.

"Right, let'sh shing thish shong that MY shenshei shometimesh shang when he wash drunk!" With that, Kakashi started to sing, "The Kunai and the Shuriken." Asuma, deciding that he'd had enough to drink that night, called for his check. And possibly get a psyche evaluation if this was what he imagined when he was drunk.

Flashback jutsu end!

"…And that's what I remember." The two of them were even paler than normal, a noteworthy feat.

"I sang the Kunai and Shuriken song."
"I wore a bra on my head." Chouza shrugged.

"I had mind-blowing sex with three women at once." They stared at him.

"Three words: Baika no Jutsu." He smirked. "That, and I'm already 'big-boned,' if you know what I mean."

"I didn't want to hear that." Chouza smirked.

"Chouji's definitely got my genes in him."
"That's disgusting." Sasuke blanched. Chouza continued.
"The dust from when I crushed soldier pills must have gotten sprinkled in my drink, heh." He rubbed the back of his head.

"Do you remember the wedding?"
"Bits of it. You flat out told Anko that you loved her, then you shoved your face in her breasts." Kakashi facefaulted on the gorund.

"I don't remember much else, but I think that Sasuke was your best man. Also, I think that Asuma married you."
"Asuma? Oh, right, he's a ninja monk. How'd he get mixed up in all this?"

Flashback no jutsu!

Asuma was having the time of his life right now. He and Kurenai were in an alleyway, both off their heads with alcohol.

"Kure-chan… I've got something for you," he managed to say without it slurring.

""ASHUMA! ME N' ANKO'RE GETTING' MARRIED!" Oh god. Kakashi and Anko staggered towards him, Kakashi's hands on her breasts and her hand on his… kunai and smoke bombs. Anko looked at him.

"You're a ninja monk, right? Could you marry us?" Sasuke chimed in.

"Yeah, I've got a ring here!" He held up a pipe cleaner tied into a vague ring shape. Asuma would normally turn them away, but he was drunk as well.

"Shure, why not?"

Flashback end no jutsu!

"I think we found him with Kurenai in an alleyway or something." Kakashi nodded.

"So the marriage is legal. Guess I'm stuck with Anko."
"Why not get a divorce?" As soon as the words left his mouth, Chouza knew that that wasn't an option. Anko was the Crazy Snake Bitch, after all. She might castrate you with the handle of a kunai, somehow. He'd seen her do things with her snakes that were the definition of hot, but were still… just plain wrong. No, divorcing Anko was nothing short of suicide.

"Right, forget I said anything." Sasuke spoke.

"Do you know anything about the seal on my stomach, then?" He lifted his shirt. Chouza squinted.

"Looks like the ultrasound of a baby, if you ask me. I don't remember anything like that when I was with you. You did go off alone with Danzō Shimura-sama, though, he'd know about it, probably."

Meanwhile, Danzō was in deep shit with the council, or, rather, Jiraya. Trust his luck for the meeting to be with Jiraya of the Sannin. As soon as he'd entered, he'd been knocked on the head before he could Izanagi his ass out of there. Now, he was covered in enough chakra suppressors to make sure that he couldn't Izanagi while his arm and Sharingan were removed from him. Jiraya looked at him seriously.

"Hello, Danzō. Running off due to what you did with the Uchiha?" The shit-eating grin he was wearing made Danzō extremely nervous, though he didn't show it.

No way can he know about this. It's-

"-not possible, right?" He leant in, a cocky smirk on his afce.

"Danzō Shimura, the man who fucked the Last Uchiha and has a Sharingan implanted in his head, and an arm made of cells belonging to the First Hokage. You're going to tell me everything you know."
"Everything?" Danzō squeaked, bravado forgotten. 34 was restrained next to him, stripped naked and impassive about Jiraya's perving. Jiraya nodded.

"Oh, yes. And Ibiki wants to test some of his new tortures on you." He'd gone out of the frying pan, through the fire and right into the pits of Hell. He quaked in fear, and he felt a suspicious wetness around his groin as Jiraya got out a brush and dipped it in sealing ink. Even his emergency suicide seal had been disabled. Today… was a bad day.

Meanwhile, Naruto woke up, next to a VERY naked and attractive Hinata. As his eyes roamed, he felt extremely calm. It was as if his blood had been replaced with lukewarm tea. He felt refreshed, energised, and above all, calm.

"Hinata."
"Y-yes?"
"I think that I love you."
"Naruto… I've loved you since we first met."
"Since we were five years old? That's… quite a long time." Naruto felt ashamed that he hadn't paid enough attention to the one girl who loved him with such devotion.

"I'm sorry, Hinata." When she looked at him curiously, he continued. "For not noticing you." They hugged, and Naruto felt complete. Nothing could spoil his day.

"NARUTO, YOU HAVE PROVEN YOURSELF A MAN!" No. Oh, dear God, NO. Why was HE here?

"ERO-SANNIN!"

Author's note.

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