Naruto was absolutely livid. First, Ero-sennin shows up in a private room for who knows how long, but he was now interrupting the best moment of his short life, apart from finding Ichiraku ramen and becoming a ninja in the first place. He scowled, and turned to Hinata.

"Hinata-chan, can I eviscerate him?" When she nodded, he grinned viciously. Jiraya looked nervous, which was good. He should be, perving on people like this.

"Now, Naruto, before you try to violently kill me, let me tell you how proud I am of you. You're truly like your father on HIS wedding night." That stopped Naruto.

"My father? Ero-sennin, whi didn't you tell me before?" Jiraya looked pained, and Naruto sat patiently.

"I couldn't tell you because it wasn't safe. After all, your father made a lot of powerful enemies, enemies that would kill you in a second if you knew. Well, since you've married into the most powerful clan in Konoha, I feel that you've got enough protection to hear this." He paused, and Naruto found himself leaning forwards in anticipation.

"Your father was the Fourth Hokage, Minato Namikaze." Naruto blinked. Then blinked again. Then he fell forwards onto his face, while Hinata looked at Jiraya disbelievingly. "Is that true, Jiraya?" At his nod, she looked at him.

"You know, the similarity in looks is really striking, now that I look clearly at it." Jiraya nodded.

"He's got his father's looks, but his mother's annoying personality and chakra stores." Just then, Naruto jumped up.

"MY OWN FATHER SEALED THE KYŪBI IN ME?!" Jiraya winced.

"Nice going, Naruto, you just informed the whole village about your predicament. Just joking," he amended hastily when Naruto was about to cry, "these walls have so much soundproofing that Madara Uchiha could be walking around with his Susanoo and you wouldn't hear a thing." Naruto smiled.

"Good." He paused.

"Ero-sennin, how long have I been in here?" Jiraya rubbed the back of his head.

"About two days." Naruto looked shocked.

"TWO DAYS?!" He looked like a toad- fitting, considering his summons. Jiraya gave him a perverted leer.

"Oh, yes, that Hyūga tea keeps your 'hot blood' up for at least two days, alright! It makes sure that you can definitely consummate your marriage." Naruto, by now, was as pale as his friend and rival Sasuke. Hinata smiled sweetly.

"it's okay, Naruto. You should remember everything." Naruto was suddenly overcome by memory. He promptly got a nosebleed at the images and keeled over. Jiraya looked at the brat with jealousy. He was his godfather, damnit!
"NARUTO!" Naruto raised his head.

"What is it, Ero-sennin?"
"I'll have you know that I'm your godfather." Naruto looked at him.

"No! it can't be true!" Jiraya extended a hand out with a copy of Icha-Iha.

"Come with me and we can rule the romantic literature world- godfather and godson." Of course, Jiraya was ignoring the fact that Icha-Icha was already the most popular brand of romance novels in his urgency to recruit Naruto over to the side of the Perverts.

"NO! I'll never join your perversion! Get stuffed!" Jiraya sighed dramatically. Oh, well, at least I've got a new storyline idea from all of this. Yes… the story of a young man, separated from a father that he barely knew, and then, when the truth is revealed, then there is much emotional backlash, culminating on a duel on a crumbling mountain. While Naruto continued to yell, Jiraya rubbed his chin in thought.

Now, where should I set it? What place has got rising hotties, and is inconsequential enough to ensure that I don't offend anyone?
"Star Village is a nice place for a honeymoon, Naruto."
"Yeah, sounds good!" Jiraya hit the palm of his hand in realisation.

"Got it! I'll call this new book Star Battles!" Naruto looked at him.

"It'll never sell, Ero-sannin."
"STOP CALLING ME THAT!"

By this time, Sasuke and Kakashi had learnt about what else they'd done- Sasuke had helped Naruto paint his apartment building pink, Kakashi had managed to rig the ANBU toilet with low-yield explosives, and Sasuke had been seen with Danzō entering his apartment with his hands on the old man's crotch. Kakashi was now trying to stop Sasuke from killing himself with Chidori.

"Now, now, Sasuke, this kind of thing is typical for a young man to do when in the throes of alcohol-"
"I DON'T CARE, I FUCKED THAT OLD GUY! LET ME KILL MYSELF!"
"Sasuke, when my team and I first got drunk, me and Obito woke up next to each other with sore arses. Turns out that we 'did the dirty' with each other. It was pretty horrifying, but alcohol does that to you- it makes you think that guys are women."
"Does this have something to do with the Goat Incident?" Kakashi stiffened.

"I told you never to mention the Goat Incident again." Sasuke was now eternally curious about the fabled 'Goat Incident.' However, Kakashi was looking a bit unstable, so he decided to back off. Jiraya entered the Hokage office, Naruto and Hinata in tow.

"Good news, Sasuke! I've finally identified the seal that you've gotten on yourself!" Sasuke looked at him expectantly.

"It's a pregnancy seal from the Village Hidden in Dicks." Sasuke stared blankly at him. Jiraya hastened to explain.

"You see, the Village Hidden in Dicks is a small ninja village right on the border of Kumo and Iwa, and it is a place where the population are Okama. In order to reproduce, a couple of Uzumaki sealmasters there devised a seal that would allow them to make children through anal sex, and it matches your seal there. The process of giving birth is just as agonising, and you may develop breasts, but it is a genuine birth through your arse, alright." Jiraya looked at him." Don't ask me how it works exactly, all I know is that it's painful. Only Danzō would have the knowledge to make that seal due to his pilgrimage to the village on a mission, where he was made aware of his latent homosexuality and attraction to my sensei, the Third Hokage. It usually happens- a rivalry turning into love on one side due to a kiss between rivals-"
"NOOOOOO! I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH NARUTO-DOBE!" Jiraya turned a steely glare on him.

"Well, like I said, it happens once in a blue moon. Anyway, you are now carrying Danzō's child. What will you do?" Sasuke sank to the ground. He couldn't kill his brother like this!

Flashback no Jutsu!

Itachi stared at his brother, who seemed to be heavily pregnant and had developed breasts.

"Itachi… I'll kill you now…" Just then, the ground underneath him got wet.

"OH SHIT MY WATER BROKE! KILL YOU LATER!" With that, Itachi just stabbed him in the head, removed the baby and set it on fire for kicks.

Reversion no Jutsu!

Jiraya looked at him.

"Kid, it won't precisely be like that."
"Is there anything Sasuke can do about it?" Ah, good old Kakashi, always looking out for his well-being. Jiraya looked at him.

"He'll have two months before he cannot abort the baby and must give birth naturally by the laws of the Village Hidden in Dicks. We must get him there and abort the baby that way." Just then, Naruto and Hinata stopped their make out session and turned to them

"Hey, what'd we miss?"

One lengthy explanation later and Naruto was laughing his arse off at Sasuke, who was twitching.

"Dobe, if you value your life, shut up." Even Hinata was struggling not to giggle. Then Naruto frowned.

"Hey, Ero-sannin, couldn't you just draw on the seal or something?" As Jiraya spluttered at Naruto's ignorance, Kakashi looked at him.

"Yes, I have to agree. Why don't you?" Jiraya looked at him.

"I cannot do that. The knowledge to abort this baby is beyond what I was taught. Plus, even if I did know, it would be a crime. I'm not licensed for that sort of sealing in the village. No, we must take him there. One of you must accept this mission." Naruto stood up.

"I'll do it." Everybody looked at him. Kakashi in particular eye-smiled at him.

"I thought the two of you hated each other." Naruto looked at him.

"He who abandons his teammates is worse than trash, right, Kakashi?" Kakashi nodded. "Right you are, Naruto."
"Then I'm coming too." Sakura stood up.

"I'll help Sasuke-kun through this plight." Hinata stood up.

"N-Naruto-kun and I are still on our honey moon together, so I'll come too." Shino and Kiba crashed through the windows.

"WE'RE COMING TOO!" Jiraya's eyes bugged out. "WHAT?!" Kiba spoke up. "We're teammates of Hinata, aren't we?" Jiraya sighed. "Anyone ELSE want to come along?" Team Guy crashed through the window.

"YOSH! KAKASHI, MY ETERNAL RIVAL, WE HAVE COME AFTER HEARING OF YOUR STUDENTS MOST UNYOUTHFUL PLIGHT!" He turned to Sasuke and gave the Nice Guy Pose. Sasuke blanched. He continued. "Neji is honour bound to guard the members of the Main House, and he had to come, and we shall accompany him on this YOUTHFUL MISSION!" Neji sighed, adjusting his sword. Jiraya smiled.

These ninja are undoubtedly close together in these difficult times. "Very well. Since it seems that we cannot keep the nine of oyu apart, this shall be known as the Fellowship of the Uchiha!" They all grinned, their hearts were strong, their minds sharp, their resolve clear. Then Kiba broke the silence. "So," and there was a half-lidded stare in his eyes, "where are we going?"

Author's Note: Yay, the first arc is over. Will Sasuke manage to make it to the Village Hidden in Dicks? Will KIba learn where they are going? Find out, in the next, exciting arc of RANDOM NINJA MISSION!

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