Intermission!

Akatsuki.

Kisame Hoshigaki, the feared No Tailed Beast himself, was currently waiting outside his partners room. The reason why he hadn't simply barged in was because Itachi had tied his headband on the doorhandle, which was the sign that he was pleasuring some prostitutes. Although he'd never yet caught a disease from any of the prostitutes, he always worried about Itachi's safety. Not because he really cared about it and knew that Itachi was a frickin' genius in battle, but because Itachi was the only likeable person in the organisation. Deidara was too volatile and prone to rants about his explosive art, Sasori was too uptight and would also go on long rants about his puppets and eternal art, Zetsu was just Zetsu, Hidan was plain nuts, even by his standards (he'd walked in on the man stabbing himself repeatedly in the heart and moaning in ecstasy), Kakuzu was alright, but a bit too money grubbing for his tastes, and Pein was the leader of their organisation, and besides, he already had a partner, Konan, who was alright conversation material herself. She also had a nice rack, which was also a plus in any able bodied shinobi's book.

Eventually, the door opened and eight scantily clad women stumbled out, bow-legged. For somebody who had about the same chakra levels as a genin, Itachi had a lot of 'hot blood.' He grinned. Itachi walked out soon afterwards, wearing the cloak and stoically smoking a cigarette, which Kisame glared at.

"You know, that habit is unhealthy, Itachi." Itachi just looked at him.

"I only smoke after pleasuring eight women at once, Kisame. You know that." Kisame nodded. Once a month, Itachi would grab eight hookers, pleasure them, and then watch the chaos with nary a raised eyebrow. After Itachi pleasured them, no man could really satisfy them again after his amazing skill in the arts of injutsu. He could live with it once a month, just as the med-nin said. Still…

"Itachi, here's your inhaler in case you need it." Itachi just looked at him, but grabbed the inhaler anyway.

As they stood on the fingers, he reflected on how stupid the darkness in here was. Pein cleared all zix of his throats.

"Alright, Akatsuki. Today, we are here to discuss matters not pertaining to the jinchūruki. Kakuzu, how is our budget?" The dark skinned nin cleared his throat. "Currently, we've got about 1 billion ryō available for standard purchases- namely, paper bombs, shuriken, kunai, soldier pills, and bandages." Pein nodded. "Do we have enough overhead to install electrical lighting in the main meeting area?" Kakuzu shook his head. Pein ticked it off with one of his bodies and moved on to the next item of the agenda. "Now, moving on, we have a vacancy for the partner of Zetsu. Zetsu has his own partner chosen, but any contributions that you could make towards this vacancy would be greatly appreciated. If you have anybody to recommend, please say so." Zetsu pulled out a man who looked like his head was an orange lollipop or something.
"This is Tobi. He's my nomination for the missing spot." White Zetsu piped up with, "Tobi's a good boy." Tobi waved.

"Hello! My name's Tobi! I hope we all become great friends!" There was silence in the main hideout. Then, somebody coughed. It was Kakuzu.

"You can't be serious. Those membership rings are very expensive. We might have to take on more bounties to pay for making a new one." Pein dutifully noted that down.

"The last item on the agenda is that the Kyūbi jinchūruki has currently married into the Hyūga clan, according to Itachi's contact in Konoha." Itachi spoke up, surprising Kisame so much he almost fell off the giant finger (seriously, this finger thing was ridiculous.)
"Leader-sama, something else has just cropped up. My younger brother, Sasuke, has recently been impregnated by Danzō Shimura. Requesting the use of my down time to make sure that he gets it aborted." Hidan was the one to cough this time.

"Are you totally fucking sure that you've got a fucking little BROTHER, not a fucking little SISTER?!" Kakuzu tore his head off again, eliciting more obscene and creative cursewords. Pein started twitching, and Konan put a hand on his shoulder.

"Abort it. DEAR GOD, ABORT IT QUICKLY!" As Leader-sama started frothing at the mouth, Konan quickly punched out the main body and took it back. Kisame looked at him. Only one thing was on his mind right now.

"…Dafuq?"

Suna.

Gaara blinked at this piece of intelligence that the Sand ANBU had covertly gathered. Kankuro was rolling on the floor laughing while Temari scowled.

"The Last Uchiha got himself pregnant? Are they sure that he's actually a boy?" Gaara tried to imagine the stoic boy pregnant. Temari and Kankuro watched in terror as Gaara's face started twitching.

"Little bro…" They jumped back as Gaara started laughing hysterically, pounding his fist on the windowsill next to him. His older siblings fainted while Gaara's laughter echoed throughout the desert.

Kumo.

The Raikage scowled at the intelligence that they'd just gotten. Apparently, the Last Uchiha was actually a female. Weird. He sighed at what he was about to do. It was risky, but at least his brother would do it.

"BEE! GET YOUR STUPID ASS OVER HERE!" Two seconds afterwards, Killer Bee, his little brother was at the door.

"What's up, my brother, that you've called me away from wooing Samui's mother?" Displeased with his brother's idiocy, A smashed his brother through the nearest wall. As he jumped down, he grabbed his brother.

"The Last Uchiha is pregnant. Now is our chance to get the Sharingan into our village. Capture him at all costs! Think of this as a paid vacation!" With that, the Raikage grabbed Killer Bee and aimed him at the gates.

"GO FLYING!" With that, he hurled his brother at the village gate.

When Killer Bee impacted on the ground, He pulled himself up.

"Man, bro's so eager that I can barely stand…"

Bee, get your team out. This mission sounds important.

"Why should I know where my team is? That ain't exactly mah biz." Just then, three sparkles over the horizon later and his team were thrown into craters of their own.

…Your brother's really on a rampage. Get some supplies and get this Uchiha.

"Fool, ya tool, we can't leave this soon! I was checkin' on the mother of Samui, and her breasts are totally SUH-WEET! I ain't leavin' until I get some sugar, and you know what I mean by that, hyoar!"

Do you want your brother to kill you?

Before the Yondaime could flash to one of his signature kunai, he'd gathered up his team, grabbed some supplies and got them on the road.

From the hole that he'd punched in the fabric of reality to watch his little brother, A smirked. Grabbing the torn edges, he pulled them back in, and punched himself in the face so that he would forget about it.

"Cee! Darui! You're dealing with paperwork while I go to Grass country to get whores!" With that, the Raikage punched the fabric of reality and made a portal to Grass. Cee and Darui, not blinking an eye, grabbed pens and started to forge the Raikage's signature to deal with the paperwork.

Hidden Sound:

A random underling barged in.

"Orochimaru-sama, we-" he stopped at that.

Orochimaru was back, along with Kabuto. They were watching television- Nintubbies to be precise, the show with the anthropomorphic versions of the main five villages interacting in the mythical land of Ninworld. The underling looked at them.

"…Dafuq?" The random babbling of the Nintubbies was sending Kabuto and Orochimaru into giggling fits. The underling detected the faint smell of marijuana.

"Okay, you guys are baked. Anyway, the Last Uchiha is pregnant with an ass-baby."

'Okay." They both said in unison. Wanting to press his luck, he continued, "Also, the Kyūbi Jinchūruki is now married into the Hyūga clan and owns a purple singing dinosaur." Orochimaru looked at him blearily. Finally, he threw a roll of ryō at the minion.
"Minion, capture the dinosaur and get us some more brownies. I'm fucking starving." The minion saluted. He'd seen enough.

"Yes, sir!"

Author's note:

I think that this is the most awesome crack fic ever by this point. Also, I want a tv tropes page, or at least a fanficrec. Please, read and review!

Or else I'll set nintubbies on you.