My heart was thumping at those words. It wasn't a girl? Then that meant...I couldn't even start to dare and believe it. I wanted to though. I wanted to believe that he had meant me, when he said that it wasn't a girl. He wasn't in either of our bedrooms when I ascended to that floor. I knew the kinds of places that Hikaru would go if he needed some privacy. I laid down on my bed and looked out towards the window, the world here was painted orange from the dying sun. I tried hard then, to get rid of the feelings in my heart. It was no good to keep them, I had to move on, realize I could not have what my heart was asking for. Still, Hikarus words burnt in my mind and refused to let the flames of hope die. I sighed.

We were getting older and growing slowly apart. That much I knew and I knew that it was okay for it to happen, that we would never grow fully apart just enough to be strong by ourselves instead of so co-dependent as we had been. Our world was opening up, we were letting people in and it was growing around us until our world was part of everyone's world. I should have been happy but I wasn't because I didn't think that I could survive without Hikaru as close to me as possible. I needed him and was afraid that he did not need me that much, that he could do find without me by his side.

I sat and turned, grabbing the pillow and punching it angrily, the feathers inside felt funny against my touch. Why was I so weak? When had the weakness set in and why was it that Hikaru had all the strength whilst I sat here and felt like crying because I wanted to cling to him and never let go. Slowly tears formed and fell.

I was weak, and scared of the future. I was scared that Hikaru would move on without me, make a family of his own that didn't directly include me. I didn't want him to get that close to anyone but me no matter how selfish that was. I wanted him all to myself and that made me cry harder. I could see our future, see myself becoming a nagging waste to Hikaru, hear him telling me to get my own life and leave him alone. Perhaps that was it. Perhaps I didn't love him at all in that way but instead just wanted to selfishly have him all to myself and never let anyone take my support away from me. My brother was my support, and without him I felt completely useless.

"Kaoru."

Jerking out of those thoughts, I felt his arms around me almost before I saw him move towards the bed. "Why are you crying?"

I wiped my tears away and curled into him, clinging in my fragility. "I...it's nothing, just worried about that big test on Thursday." I knew from the feel of his body and the look in his eyes that he didn't believe me for even a moment, but allowed me to believe that he had because he knew that at that moment I was not ready to talk. That didn't mean he'd leave me be, that wasn't in his nature, but he'd leave me be for now and perhaps that was what mattered.

Hikaru leaned forward and pressed his lips against mine in the forbidden action we'd become so familiar with. Perhaps that was it, perhaps I only believed that I loved him because I liked the thrill of the forbidden.

I make myself sick...

How would I ever be able to explain to Hikaru how his kisses made me feel, fake or not? They lit me up from the inside, made me feel warm and safe. There was none of the 'melting' feeling so often read of in romance fiction, instead my senses seemed to come alive in brilliant bursts as the kiss became more and more passionate. I was aware of everything, every movement of every muscle in both of our bodies, every sigh Hikaru gave out between connections of our lips before he came back for me. I ran my hand into his hair, felt his arms around my waist and his kisses...oh his kisses...they made me feel as if we were not only physically identical, but as if our souls too were identical except for the parts that allowed them to fit together when we kissed. Still it wasn't enough, the puzzle pieces of our being not yet fully together and my body cried out for more even though it could not be had.

Disgusting...I'm disgusting...

"Feel better?" Hikaru asked, grinning from ear to ear as we lay, slightly breathless, side by side on my bed.

"Yeah." I smiled back, cuddling into his chest. Hikaru sat up a little and I moved with him without even thinking about it, a subconscious mimicking of my twins movement.

"You gonna tell me why you were crying then?"

I knew he'd ask again. In reply, I plucked the pillow from under his head and hit him with it. "I told you why, its your fault if you don't believe me."

"You really think I'm going to believe that, Kaoru? Spill!" Hikaru pounced and held me against the bed. In the dying light he looked so beautiful I felt my heart would burst from its chest. I wondered again why no one but me saw the differences however small that were between our looks and vice versa.

"You should believe me, I'm telling the truth and even if I wasn't, I doubt you could make me talk." I grinned confidently.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

"What if I forbid you getting any more kisses?"

I put on a weak and wounded look and pouted a little, hiding how much that really and truly worried me, I needed those kisses. "Hikaru, why would you be so mean?" I whimpered. He smiled and shook his head, leaning close.

"I'm sorry Kaoru, I'm just worried that somethings troubling you and you're not letting me help." He purred in his 'seme' voice. We both giggled then.

"Really Hikaru, I just don't want to fail this test, now get off of me fatso!" I wiggled around beneath him.

"Hey! I weigh the same amount you do!" Hikaru protested.

The afternoon proceeded in the same calm and jolly manner, just as it always did and when night came we cuddled up together to sleep. It looked like everything was the same, but I knew it would never feel the same for me.

I'm desperate for your love...