I couldn't sleep, instead I tossed and turned, trying to get comfortable in any position that I could. I kept telling myself that I had no reason to really be excited, because it was highly possible that Hikaru just wanted to reveal who he liked and that that person was not me. It wouldn't be the first time he'd turned something simple into a complicated secret.

Things were so much easier back then...

"What is it Hikaru?" I asked, toddling along behind my brother at no more than four or five years of age.

"Shhh, this way. Don't let anyone hear you!" Hikaru called, pulling me through the brambles and thick bushes in one corner of our vast garden. I hissed, pushing the offending little branches away and loosing sight of Hikaru altogether.

"Hikaru?" I came out into a small almost circular clearing between the bushes that once in bloom would produce a nice array of roses in all colours. "Hikaru?" the world seemed deathly silent except for the tweeting of birds and the rustle of leaves as the wind blew. I felt my heart beating more and more rapidly. "Hikaru this isn't funny!" I was close to tears, I just wanted to go back, I was no longer interested in his little secret.

"Don't cry Kaoru, here, it's here." My twins head popped up from the others side of some thick bushes. I wiped my eyes, ashamed of being so foolish as to not look for him. Moving over I saw what he'd been so excited about. It was the missing biscuit tin from the kitchen. "I took it." he grinned. "And I wanted to share them with you."

I didn't know if I wanted to hit him for hiding it all the way out here instead of just in his room, or just be happy that it wasn't anything really bad. "You dummy..." I smiled and that afternoon we filled ourselves up with biscuits.

So simple, so happy.

I turned over yet again, wishing things had stayed like that. Stayed in the place where 'forbidden brotherly love' didn't exist and didn't pull me into the magnetic death grip Hikaru accidentally held over my heart. With a last huff I kicked off the covers and lay in a starfish pose. Turning my head to the side, I did wonder why Hikaru hadn't come yet.

Sometimes he didn't and it always hurt when that happened. I sighed. It was a part of us expanding our world, I knew that. We could still be twins and not have to do everything together. I was happier for it, Hikaru was being more independent and...and I only wished I felt as comfortable doing the same. I changed position again, foetal now.

It came back to the one thing though, did I really want Hikaru to be in love with me too? In the end, we were twins. Twin brothers, so no chance of incest babies, but still twins. Blood relations, monozygotic, sharing 100% of our DNA. Perhaps it would be best if he told me that he loved someone else and that that person loved him too and they were planning to have sex and be happy. I wanted Hikaru to be happy more than I wanted to be happy myself.

Unfortunately I still had that selfish need for his love to be me. I wouldn't care at all that we were twins. Our bodies, our souls, they fit perfectly, like the final pieces of a puzzle. What was that old myth? That if two lovers committed ritual suicide, they would be reborn together as twins? I smiled, liking to think that such a thing had happened with Hikaru and I, that we'd been tied together with red string this whole time and fate had allowed us to be together in the same way even in the next life. That was a comforting thought and I finally managed to sleep.

Slowly dawning colours thrill And the pulse of light beats high.*

I had a lot of energy that day. I allowed myself to get excited about both possibilities. He loves me too? Great! We can be together no matter what people think so long as we both feel right. Doesn't love me too? Great! I can put my mind at rest and start the process of moving on.

"You're being awfully hyperactive today." Hikaru joked as we sat down with our lunch, giving me a little prod with his fork. I frowned softly and prodded him back.

"Daddy is so happy, I do hate it when someone in the family is being gloomy and you did seem really upset for the last few days." Tamaki hummed, leaning over just to put his arms around me and press our bodies close together.

"I mean this in the best of ways, daddy, but could you not?" I pushed him away, in a good enough mood to humour him but still wanting to be able to eat without his breath on my neck.

"Huh...senpai..." Haruhi muttered.

"What's that? Do you want a hug from daddy too?"

"N-no I was just of for the love of-...hi senpai..."

I smiled, watching the two cuddle. 'He should hurry up and kiss her already.' I thought to myself, looking over at Hikaru, tracing his lips with my eyes. It made me feel all warm and giddy and I grinned again.

After the last lesson, Hikaru hurried on ahead of me. I allowed him to do so, taking my time going back to my locker where I waited, watching some students change their school slippers for prettier and more expensive day wear shoes. They smiled at me and some waved as they passed, many more on their way to their own clubs or even to wait for the host club to start. If Hikaru wanted to make this a special thing, then I'd let him.

After a while I become too agitated and set off towards the music room. The door was not yet open, I chatted with the waiting girls as I passed before I slipped inside. "I finally have an answer for you, and that's yes. I do feel the same way." Hikaru was saying to-

Kyouya looked up and caught my eyes. "You're here early."

I barely heard him, my heart felt like it has stopped. Hikaru liked Kyouya? But Kyouya was nothing like Hikaru and maybe that was it, opposites attract. "Kaoru, I can explain!" Hikaru began.

"Don't bother." All my excitement had fled, as did I from the room and from the school, leaving confused guests behind. Hikaru did not follow, most likely persuaded to stay. Tears coursed down my face, forcing me to stop so I could take deep breathes and then just sit and cry. I had told myself I would be okay no matter what, but I was wrong. That note had been for Kyouya, who had asked Hikaru for a answer about his feelings. Hikaru liked Kyouya, not me, I wasn't good enough. How could I be? We're twins, of course he wouldn't love me that way. Only sick people like me loved their siblings that way.

An arm was put around my shaking shoulders. "It's okay. Whatever it is, it'll be okay." Haruhi smiled. I turned and cuddled into her, crying deeply and just glad she'd had the sense not to ask why I was crying and just comfort me. I didn't think I'd even be able to tell her. Even if I did, I doubt she would understand. Nobody would.

Please, at least be happy with you love.

*Dawn - Christine Siebeneck Swayne. Find at