A lot of people have drama with their crush, that much is true. Most people however do not have to share a house with that person, right after their heart has been broken. I had the evening meal brought to my room, locking myself in so that Hikaru couldn't come in. I just couldn't trust myself to not cry in front of him. After eating I put the plates on my dresser and left them there. I'd take them down in the morning, perhaps by then I'd feel better.

There was heavy knocking at my door and Hikaru's voice called in. "Kaoru! Kaoru open up! You're being really dumb right now!"

I said nothing, instead grabbing a pillow and pressing my face into it. I could still hear him though because a part of me would always want to hear his voice.

"Kaoru! Don't make me break down this door!"

Just go away.

I didn't tell Haruhi why I was crying and she didn't pressure me to tell. I parted from her by telling her she better hurry and secure Tamaki as hers. The expression she gave me was one of soft confusion and the terrible beginnings of understanding. The car ride home had been long and cold, I would not listen to a word he said as he talked about how he and Kyouya had found out they could get along really well. Didn't he see how sick it was making me? How much it hurt to hear him talk about someone like that? It was like Haruhi all over again and I wasn't sure I could keep a brave face and let him do as he pleased this time. This time my love for him was too strong.

Storming away probably hadn't been my best decision.

"For the love of God, you big baby." Hikaru growled. It was rare that we fought, unless it was pretend, so any insults always sounded childish, especially coming from Hikaru. "Of all people I thought my own brother would be okay with me liking guys."

That made something inside of me snap and I rose myself from the bed. That's why he thought I was upset? He was so god-damn dense I couldn't take it any more. I unlocked the door and opened it quickly, letting it crash against the wall. "That's why you think I'm upset? After all the kissing we did, after all we have ever done, you think that's why it hurts to hear you talk all lovey-dovey about Kyouya?!"

"W-well I don't see what else it could be!" Hikaru pouted. "Unless you're jealous again?" Maybe he was getting it. "You like Kyouya too, is that it?" What an idiot.

"No! That is not it!" I fumed back. My chest rose and fell quicker as my breathes came in harsh angry pants. "Hikaru, I love you!" I burst into tears, they were hot and salty and streaked down my face slowly. "I love you as more than a brother, so much more. I love you so much it's been tearing me apart! It hurts to see you loving someone else, more now than every before. I want you to love me and only me. I need you Hikaru, and you're too thick in the head to see that!"

A terrible deep silence stretched between us. The sun was setting outside, it cast a deep orange glow over my bedroom and made the edges of my hair look golden I didn't doubt. Hikaru however was mostly cast in the shadow of the hallway, he seemed almost to not have a face. Then, he stepped back from me. "You...actually love me in that way?" his voice was calm for now, but too low to be shocked.

I said nothing. I couldn't lie after saying all that I had said and didn't feel like saying it again would help me. "Kaoru, that's disgusting." the disgust was very clear in my twins voice. "All that playing around we did was okay but Jesus, I'd never dream of going further with you. That's sick. You're sick." he stepped further away and although he was mere steps away it felt like miles. I could feel the bond between us weakening, becoming so loose it was starting to fall away. "No wonder you ran away from me. You sicko...don't ever touch me again. Not until you get your head sorted." his voice cracked. Hikaru was upset, because one way or another we did not like to fight. It felt terrible to fight and to dislike each other.

"Hikaru..."

Hikaru turned and ran away down the hall, making a sharp turn into his own room, he slammed the door shut. I shut mine slowly, for a moment I wanted to open it again and find a smiling Hikaru there telling me he was just kidding. It didn't happen. What happened was me going back to my bed, to cry, as once more my heart broke. This time the pieces were unrepairable. I was sick, I disgusted him. I didn't even deserve to live. What was I even thinking, that he'd like me back? As if. Incest was disgusting, no matter what.

After I simply had no more tears to shed, I went to the en suite bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror. "You're disgusting." I told my reflection. "Wanting your own brother in that way. You're a disgusting pig. Worthless, sick and disgusting." my eyes fell on my razor, hands picking it up. "People like me don't deserve to live." I pressed the cold metal to my skin and said sorry to Hikaru, hoping we did have twin telepathy and he understood how sorry I was.