Chapter 4
"It is my duty, and my honour, to serve Richard." Cara states. "And I will even admit I have come to see you and Zedd as well as Richard, as, well, not that bad. I mean, if you have to spend your days with people, there are probably worse people than the three of you." Cara finishes awkwardly.
Kahlan lifts her head, almost looking Cara in the eye, because she knows that it isn't an easy thing for Cara to say, and she manages to find slight amusement in Cara's discomfort. The last time Cara had come close to saying anything similar, was locked in the tomb, believing they would both be dead in minutes. And then, she had revoked it first chance she had, once a little oxygen hit her brain.
"I can tell you are making fun of me." Cara states "But the fact is, you, all of you, are my friends, my family. Especially you." Cara admits.
"Especially me?" Kahlan asks, caught by surprise.
Cara continues without really answering directly. "You once told me I had to try to show compassion. I thought it weakness. For such a long time. But I have come to realise, that love, compassion, mercy, these feelings are not weakness. And that is something I won't admit out loud to just anyone."
"So, Why tell me?" Kahlan genuinely wants to know.
"You taught me." Cara tells her, almost as if it is an accusation. " Richard too, but mostly you." Cara swallows, hard, and continues. "You could have confessed me, killed me, when you found out...what I did...to your...to Dennee. The truth is, I was a different person, it was a different world. Not that it is any excuse. I mean to say, I regret many things. But this changes nothing." Cara stumbles, trying desperately to find the words. "You showed me unbelievable compassion, and forgiveness. The crowd was crying for my execution. There would have been no blood on your hands. And I know you wanted to do it. I felt it, that anger, longing for vengeance."
Kahlan flinches a little, she never admitted to herself it was vengeance. She had called it "Justice" at the time. Richard told her she was wrong. But who was Richard to tell the Mother Confessor about justice? Justice was what the Mother Confessor said it was. End of story.
"But you didn't do it." Cara finishes. "You wanted to, you even wanted to go against Richard to kill me. That's what got to me. You wanted to kill me, enough to go against what the Seeker asked of you. That's how much you wanted it, right?"
Kahlan nods, no point denying it now. She had been prepared to defy Richard, she wanted blood for blood. Justice for the brutal senseless crimes against her sister, her nephew, her fellow confessors. Justice upon this woman who had left her, as one of the last living confessors, the huge burden of Mother Confessor, of continuing the blood line, or maintaining the moral compass of the entire midlands. Yes, she wanted Cara's blood that day.
"But, you didn't." Cara states. "And, here we are." She adds, stating the obvious.
Cara didn't really know where she was going, what she was saying. She hadn't planned any of it. It just stumbled awkwardly out of her mouth.
"You said you saw remorse in my eyes." Cara reminds her.
"I did." Kahlan acknowledges.
"No one has ever seen me like that, no one has known me." Cara means it from the bottom of her heart, and wonders if Kahlan understands the significance of that.
Kahlan shrugs "It's what I do. It's what Confessors do."
"No." Cara tilts her head slightly. "You can't read a Mord Sith, you can't come close." Cara pushes her.
"What are you trying to make me say?" Kahlan finally asks wearily.
"I want you to tell me why you didn't kill me." Cara answers. She didn't realise until she had uttered the words, that she had always wanted to know.
"I told you, I saw your remorse." Kahlan dismisses her.
"How could you see that, Kahlan? How could you see that in a Mord Sith? How can you see anything inside of me?" Cara challenges. She knows she shouldn't be pushing Kahlan like this, about Dennee, about anything. But somehow Kahlan seemed more like Kahlan when they were talking. Surely it was better than fighting with knives and agiels, better than Kahlan running away. Better than trying to tie her to a tree and being killed in the con dar.
"Fine, whatever. I didn't see anything." Kahlan concedes. "Richard wanted you to live, and so I spared your life for his sake. Never would have heard the end of it from the high and mighty Seeker if I had killed you. I don't know why, but he insists on taking your side. On everything."
"Is that the reason?" Cara asks.
"Does it matter? Like you said, what's done is done and here we are." Kahlan tells her.
"Do you think about it, wanting to kill me, what I did to Dennee, the things I did during the war, is that what you think about when you look at me?" Cara asks.
"No." Kahlan tells her. She wants to say yes. Yes I think you are a monster, I hate you, I have always hated you, now shut the hell up and let me think.
But she can't quite say it. She could keep her voice steady and her eyes firm when she ordered Richard away, but she can't tell Cara that she thinks of her as a monster. She isn't sure what Cara is trying to get her to say. But she wont say that. Because it is a far cry from the truth.
"I wanted to see it." Kahlan whispers. "The remorse in your eyes. Maybe I wanted to see it."
"Why?" Cara is puzzled.
"Maybe because Richard saw it, I don't know. Why are you asking me this now?!" Kahlan is growing frustrated. Only mildly irritated. Not enraged, not like when Cara picked up the rope. Something different.
"Do you regret it, letting me live?" Cara always wanted to ask, never had the nerve. Truthfully she was afraid of the answer. Somehow Kahlan's opinion of her had come to matter a great deal more than it should.
"No." Kahlan answers quickly.
"Good." I guess I owe you one, then." Cara proclaims.
"I almost killed you. More than once. On purpose. You owe me nothing. Richard is the one with compassion, spared your life holding me down when I was in the con dar. I would have killed you if not for Richard."
Cara shrugs "Maybe so. "Maybe if I had never met Richard, or you, or Zedd, Maybe I would have killed you, if life had taken a different turn. But here we are."
Kahlan sighs.
"You know Kahlan, you can tell me what happened. I'm not Richard. Not some naive farm boy from the Westland. Nothing you could say will shock me, or make me turn against you. You know I've made mistakes in my life, I have my own father's blood on my hands. I am the last one to pass judgement. And if you want to well, talk, or something, I'm here."
Kahlan's expression softened for the first time in days. "Cara, no, you were a child, being manipulated. Your father's blood is not on your hands." Kahlan assures her. She can't help it. She falls into her confessor role, bringing truth, peace, comfort.
"There are always reasons." Cara answers. "But those reasons do not change the truth, or the horror, of the things we have to live with. I know that heavy burden of regret, guilt, shame. I see it weighing on you heavily. Tell me, what is wrong, Kahlan? You never know, maybe I can help?"
Cara prepared herself for all kinds of angry protests from Kahlan about minding her own business, or maybe even Kahlan laughing in her face at her attempt at a deep and meaningful conversation, something she was not skilled in at all.
But Kahlan simply says this "How do you see that in me?"
"Not the way you see it, not because I have a power. But because I know you, I know me, and maybe we are more alike than you care to admit." Cara tells her.
Suddenly Kahlan is crying in earnest. "I don't want Richard to ever know." She insists tearfully.
"I promise that anything you say to me will be kept in confidence."
"Even if it put Richard in danger? Even if you had to lie to him? You would keep my secrets?"
Cara pauses for a moment, before formulating an answer. "Richard used to be my reason for living. My redemption. I was trained to see the world as black and white. Good and Evil. And Richard, Zedd, you, all helped me to see the shadows of grey." Cara answers mysteriously as her eyes wander off into the distance blankly. She snaps back to her normal self and continues. "Besides, the worst thing I can imagine that would ever happen to Richard, is something happening to you, losing you. That would cause him unimaginable pain. I honestly don't think he could get past that. So, if it makes you feel better to look at it that way, then do. If you don't want to admit we are friends, and I wont hold it against you, since I recanted my dying proclamation as such, then think of it in a way that will make sense to you. Richard loves you, Richard would die if anything happened to you, I literally think his heart would stop. I've seen the bond, seeker and confessor. Maybe I was even a little jealous. Not that I want him for myself. Just I want to have that kind of connection to someone. And, simply, I serve Richard, yes, and he ordered me to stay with you and make sure nothing happens to you until Zedd gets back. And if you need to confide something in me that you don't want Richard to know about, I think he would understand, and you have my word that I will keep secret anything you tell me in confidence."
Kahlan is stunned into silence. She knows that was not easy for Cara to admit those things. And Kahlan is more than a little ashamed of herself that she had used the conversation to distract Cara while she reached for the other knife in her left boot. Kahlan twirls the knife in her hands, right in front of Cara. Cara only sighs. Kahlan knows suicide is pointless, not when the breath-of-life is sitting opposite her. Suicide was no longer her immediate goal.
Before Cara can react Kahlan takes the knife and slashes a deep laceration along the top of her right thigh.
Cara lunges forward to take the knife from her, yelling at her "What are you doing?!"
Kahlan drops the knife, and hands Cara the agiel. "Close the wound, with the agiel, like you did before, that time we were travelling and had no time to make a fire."
Blood is fast seeping out of the wound, spilling onto the purity of the white confessor dress, and over the muddy ground. Cara tears a piece from the dress and pressure to the wound. But Kahlan is right, it is deep, and at the rate it is bleeding there is no time to build a fire.
"What was that?! Have you lost your mind?" Cara yells at her. "If you are trying to bleed to death I can give you the breathe of life!"
"I'm not trying to bleed to death." Kahlan admits, her complexion fading to a pale shadow of what it had been.
"What on earth were you trying to do?!" Cara yells.
"Does it matter?" Kahlan asks calmly. "Just seal the wound with your agiel. Or don't."
"It will hurt more than last time, this cut is deeper." Cara warns her, but she has already the agiel in her hand, knowing there is no other way.
"Are you really going to let me bleed to death and give me the breath of life? Richard won't be pleased. Not when you can use your agiel to heal the wound." Kahlan taunts.
"I don't understand you." Cara says through gritted teeth as she readies herself to remove the pressure bandage and use the agiel.
"I don't understand you either." Kahlan answers. "And I hate it!" Kahlan proclaims. "I hate it, you being so close to Richard, to me, and I can't read you. I can't read you at all."
"Guess we're even then." Cara tell her. "So tell me, why did you do that?" Cara asks, examining the gaping gash to Kahlan's thigh, almost to the bone.
Kahlan answers, in-spite of herself. She feels dizzy from the blood loss. "Because I'm so tired." She tells Cara, and the tears fall earnestly.
Cara squirms uncomfortably but presses the agiel down onto the wound, and places her free hand on Kahlan's shoulder. She says nothing. But it means more to Kahlan than words.
Once Kahlan starts, she cant stop. "I'm so tired Cara." She says between moans of agony. "Please, just heal the wound, like last time, and I will pass out, I just need peace just for a little while. Please, I cant take it anymore, I just need to not be here…just for a little while...Cara please."
Cara nodded slightly. She didn't relish the idea of causing Kahlan pain with the agiel, or the idea Kahlan had hurt herself. but at least Kahlan was safe, alive, at least Cara found her before she jumped, or bit that stone, or something more permanent. Besides, Cara can relate, wanting to disappear, just for a little while, wanting to pass out and not have to deal with anything. Cara gets it.
She sees it, now Kahlan has let her guard down. Sees that whatever happened when Kahlan was taken captive by those mysterious strangers has shattered her. Absolutely shattered her. And the effort of trying rather unsuccessfully, to keep her happy face on and pretend she was fine, had left her exhausted. Maybe after Kahlan rested things would seem clearer. Zedd would come, and if any magic were involved he could help. And if not, well Kahlan needed him for some purpose anyway. Cara wonders what Richard would make of it if he walked in at that moment. All the blood, Kahlan crying and moaning, and Cara wielding the ariel, pressing it to Kahlan's body. He wouldn't understand it. But Cara can relate to the need for physical pain, the need for distraction, the need to block it all out. Last time Cara used the agiel on Kahlan she was passed out for hours. Maybe Zedd would be back before Kahlan woke up.
Cara stopped a moment, to examine the wound. She was about half done, and the area still red and inflamed. The knife had been filthy no doubt and the wound would get infected. But Zedd would fix that. Cara needed only one hand for the agiel. Before she placed it back to the wound on Kahlan's leg, she took Kahlan's hand in her free hand. Kahlan squeezed it tightly, unable to say the things she wanted. Unable to say thank you, I'm sorry, yes I consider you my family too. She merely held onto Cara's hand for dear life. She noticed Cara's hand trembling, she had never seen that. Kahlan looked up the the sky, the beautiful sky, and then she felt the blinding searing tormenting pain of the agiel against her flesh.
Please, Kahlan willed herself, please pass out. She can hear Cara distantly apologising, sincerely, and repetitively, and Kahlan feels momentarily bad for putting Cara in the position of having to babysit a mad woman. It's clear Cara is getting no pleasure from this. Not like the last time. The last time has been a smaller accidental wound, and Cara couldn't hide that little hint of glee.
For the longest time there is just pain. Starting in her leg and spreading all over. She feels herself shaking, involuntarily she cries out "No!" She feels Cara pull away. Kahlan's eyes shoot open and she grabs for Cara's blood stained hands, grasping them "No, don't stop, please, don't stop." She begs shamelessly.
With a sigh, Cara looks away from Kahlan's face, releases her hands, and places the agiel to the wound, searing the skin together.
The laceration is long extending down the thigh, and it feels like hours, though maybe it had been ten minutes, before Cara is finished. Ten long excruciating minutes of Kahlan moaning and crying. When Cara is finished, Kahlan stares down at the blood stained wound. The scar is barely there, as if it never happened But the pain, the pain is still there, red hot and shooting all over her body. The blood is still there, staining her dress, and Cara's hands. But there is no respite, this time she doesn't pass out. When it sinks in, after a few seconds, that she isn't going to pass out, that she is going to have to remain awake, one more minute, one more hour, one more day, the weight of everything, and now physical agony she cries like she has never cried in her life. She is sprawled across the muddy ground, rolled up into a ball, covered in her own blood, in mud from the filthy ground. She begs the creator for relief. She feels Cara stroking her hair but hasn't the inclination to shrug her off.
"Let me try something." Cara says softly. "This will hurt."
Kahlan cant speak, but nods lightly to Cara's suggestion, and Cara tilts her head slightly in response. Cara knows the spot, the exact spot to knock a person out for a couple of hours. And if Kahlan had asked, she might have done it without all the blood shed and games.
Something makes her feel sick about using the agiel on Kahlan, for any reason, it was a dark weapon that had tormented so many. Some deserving and some not. A weapon that killed. Killed her own father. Killed Kahlan's sister. But the sight of Kahlan on the ground sobbing in agony, physical and emotional agony, it's too much for Cara. She is powerless. She wonders what is the difference between the kind of pain that would drive Kahlan to the con dar- the rope, Denee's death, Richard in danger. And this thing, this different kind of fear and pain that drives her instead to hack a piece out of her own flesh just to pass out and make the pain stop.
Cara could see, on that cliff top, that Kahlan was at the end of her rope. And to cut her leg, almost down to the bone, Just so Cara would use the agiel, just so she can pass out and have a few minutes respite made her desperation all too clear. Richard might not have agreed but it was the only way she knew to bring Kahlan some peace.
"I'm sorry," Cara whispered ,as she pushed Kahlan over until she was lying flat on her back, and placed the agiel just below the heart, not close enough to kill her, but enough to cause her to lose consciousness.
Kahlan screamed at the pain, involuntarily. And as she felt the blackness take over her she whispered "Thank you,, Cara" before her eyes rolled back in her head and everything was darkness.