Saavik:
The night was restless for me, and after several hours of attempting to sleep I knew it was having no effect. I dressed and left my quarters, thinking to go to my station on the bridge and work the night off as a distraction. Lying in bed with my thoughts circling in an eternal loop did nothing for me.
When the lift reached the near empty bridge and I took a step out my eyes were met by a sight that beat the day's situation in the mess hall out of my mind entirely. There was David perched on the lap of Ensign O'Hara who was sat in the chair at my station as they kissed each other passionately. This was too much for me and I stumbled back against the wall.
David tore himself away from the young Ensign and looked up. His mouth fell open in horror as he saw it was me. "Oh shit, Saavik. It's not what it looks like." He stammered, pulling himself away from Ensign O'Hara and running towards me.
Suddenly I realized tears were welling up in my eyes, and instantly my instinct kicked in that I couldn't let anyone see me like this. I pulled myself back into lift before he could get to me and let the doors slide to a close, hearing Ensign O'Hara give a shrill little giggle as David stared at my motionless face, his own held so much emotion.
I managed to reach my quarters without anyone else seeing me. I ran in and my body thudded against the cold wall. Fumbling for the control panel beside me I locked the door. Soon after the chime of the door startled me, but I did nothing more, I could only guess it was David, but I didn't want to speak to him, or even see him. So I turned off the speaker too, just so I could keep him fully out. I was confused enough and now this had shattered me.
I thought he'd loved me. And I wasn't even sure of how I felt about him myself anymore. All I knew is that his silly games with other women were hurting me.
The rings continued for a long while until he finally must have given up. After the long pause and I realized he must he must have gone I finally slid down onto the floor and let the tears stream down my face.
I stayed in my quarters the whole of the next day. I didn't eat. I tried my best to focus and get on with my work, but to little effect. My mind was a torment. When I wasn't bent over work and trying hopelessly to distract myself I would lie down on my bed and simply stare up at the ceiling above me, attempting to clear my mind. But for all I tried that day nothing would ease my troubles, as the questions in my mind circled.
How do I feel about David?
I'm not supposed to feel anything.
But I think of him as my friend. Does that not imply an emotional attachment to him?
Do I still want to be his friend?
I was comfortable being his friend.
But am I still going to be? I might have ruined that all.
We might have ruined our friendship. Or it could become something more.
Shouldn't I try at least to be friends with David? After all it would make my work at lot easier when we get to Genesis.
Oh, I should be thinking about work rather than this.
But do I always have to think about work? Do I want work to be my entire life?
It depends; do I want David to be a part of my life?
Does David want to be a part of mine?
I thought so, his mind told me so. But does he really love me; after all he seems to like other women?
I thought I knew how David felt, now I'm not so sure. But how do I feel about David?