Raven knows from the start that the day is going to be long and difficult. He knows it from the very moment Yuri prods him awake in the morning with a pointy boot to the back and from the way the back of his eyes hurt and the way his hearing is muffled and the way his feet want to drag across the ground. His arm muscles shake, his throat is dry, and brain feels like it's stuffed with cotton balls. There is no way this day could have been anything short of nearly impossible.
He had fallen immediately asleep after his discussion with Estelle, but three hours weren't nearly enough to counter the exhaustion that has overtaken him. Not when the minute he closed his eyes he found himself standing on a battle field (the battle field) watching himself, his old self, fight for his life. Really, he would have been better off just not sleeping at all, but that still wouldn't have made the day any easier.
He isn't expecting Estelle to act as if nothing had happened. He doesn't want her to act as if nothing happened because that would be weird and hard to fake. Impossible to fake. But he did not expect the air between them to be so…different. It isn't bad or awkward or heavy, but it's still strange and new and something that is going to take time for him to get used to. Like how she asked him how he was feeling at breakfast or how she thanked him during battle for healing Yuri before she could finish casting her spell. It sent a little shock down his spine, she would giggle at the look of surprise on his face, but then he'd smile (perhaps a little more genuinely than he has in years) and they'd have a short conversation. Nothing in depth, but still different.
There is a new balance that Raven has to find and he has no idea where to start looking for it. He wants to change, spirits does he want to change, but how do you know what you want to change when you've been playing designated roles for as long as you can remember? It's like giving a painter who's only been allowed to use with red paint his whole career an array of ten colors and telling him to have fun. First you have to try each color and see what you like and don't like, then you can mix colors and expand your options even further and once you've made yourself content, you have to turn around and face everyone else. Because once you stop painting in red, people are going to notice.
And Raven feels like everyone has noticed. He keeps telling himself that he's being paranoid, that Yuri isn't staring at him just slightly more often than usual today (with that narrow eyed 'I know you're hiding something' stare) and that Karol isn't avoiding easy conversation with him. That Judy isn't stirring up light banter for any reason other than the fact that she has a lot on her mind. At least Rita isn't acting any different towards him (thank goodness for small miracles; he can always rely on their genius mage to be mostly predictable). So he has gone through this day so far hoping that other than some suspicious glances, no one has noticed anything too drastic. After all, before now no one ever noticed much about him; why should that change when the only person who has been given a reason to look at him differently is Estelle?
On top of everything, Raven feels like he has so much to work through. He knows he has a lot to work through. He aches inside when he thinks about his conversation with Estelle. He's scared about how he is going to have to think about his past now instead of ignore it like he has been doing and how he is going to have to, somehow, forgive himself for everything he knows he's done wrong. How he will eventually have to talk to everyone about different things. How he needs to figure who he wants to be and how he will get there and how people will react and so, so, so much more.
…No wonder his head is pounding.
Although at the moment, Raven isn't sure whether the heartbeat in his ears is from the lack of sleep and long hours of overthinking or if it's from the blastia in his chest. His eyes settle on Estelle, on the bright gleam of light where the princess is standing, and then over to Rita who is concentrating on the formula panel in front of her, the rest of the world forgotten. The rest of the group is standing in a circle around the two of them, Raven included, handing over their lives to create a new life.
Khroma had given them a run for their money and it had been a hard battle to get her approval, but she agreed to become a spirit in the end. She agreed to hand over her current existence and become someone, something, entirely different. Raven feels like she's way stronger than he is because he's trying to do the same thing (well, not exactly the same thing but something similar), but he's scared to do it. Perhaps Khroma was scared, although she certainly didn't let it show if she was. So Raven is happy to stand here and allow his life force to go to something, someone, better and stronger than him (saving the world from the giant tentacle monster in the sky is also a good reason).
Doubled over with a firm fist around the sun shaped metal plate in his chest, he ignores the way his blastia stutters, causing his entire upper body to seize and his breathing to catch in his throat. He straightens up when the circle around his feet dissipates and he ignores the shaking in his frame. He felt like this when they had converted their first spirit, Undine, too. It would go away the next day like it had then. He doesn't know if the others have similar effects to their bodies or if it was just because his blastia can be affected in different ways than other blastia. Everyone was so surprised at meeting Undine that no one talked about it afterwards. Maybe everyone else was feeling just as shaky as he was. Either way, Raven isn't going to ask. If he does ask and they aren't feeling the same, then they'll know he's weak because of his blastia.
Estelle won't like that and then she'll start to worry and she doesn't need that, at all. Yuri won't like that because he'll see it as a reason to harp on Raven. Not that he needs a new reason; Yuri's found almost every angle to come at Raven from, but weakness or being a weight in battle has never been one of them thus far. Rita won't care, which is both hurtful and kind of nice and Judy…well, Judy will be Judy (there's really no other way of putting it). Karol is a tossup; he might yell at Raven about not mentioning it and he might side with Yuri. Raven knows that the youngest member of their team is trying to make his own way and do things by his own rules, but it's hard at that age. He looks up to Yuri and Estelle and, well, all of them in one way or another.
So he stands quietly and interjects from time to time on the discussion that follows the end of the conversion and when it's all over and Sylph has been named by Estelle, Raven lets out a sigh of relief as they slowly make their way out of the aer krene, trailing behind the rest of the group. Finally, after a long day of trekking, they could go somewhere and set up camp and Raven can pull the old man card in order to be alone and rest and think and just take the time he needs until the morning. Hopefully the ground underneath his feet will stop spinning and little sounds won't echo in head like bells at a wedding. Once the morning comes he won't have that time anymore because they'll be back on their journey to find the last Entelexeia and Pheraoh in order to make the last spirits, and he'll have to go back to worrying about other things like the Adephagos and Duke and the end of the world.
It's unexpected then, when Karol materializes next to Raven. He doesn't say anything right away but walks quietly, shifting his bag when it slips on his shoulder to the wrong angle. Raven's okay with this; suspicious, but okay.
"Hey, Raven." Karol starts simply. There's no suspicion in his voice, but there's a hint of worry. "Are you feeling okay? You look kind of….pale."
Crap.
"Ya think so? Maybe I outta get some more sun; we've been spending so much time underground inside aer krene recently I might be losin' that sun kissed shine." Raven grins down at Karol who doesn't look the least bit persuaded.
And Karol isn't convinced. He was standing next to Raven during the spirit conversion and it was hard to miss the way he grabbed his chest and breathed heavy; as if he had just ran the distance from Heliord to Dahngrest without stopping. The older man had spent more time doubled over, hands on his knees, after it was finished than any of the rest of them and while no one else seemed to have noticed him wobble on his feet, Karol did.
The spirit conversion was… not fun. It made him feel wonky and weak and it hurt in a way that it didn't hurt, but at the same time it did. Karol knows he's handing over his very life, and that's okay because as Raven said when they were first going to convert Undine, this was worth it. If they could save the world, what were a few years off their own lives? Afterwards Karol was tired and he knew that he'd be sleeping well that night, but Raven just looks…ill. Raven is usually the one with all the energy, the one dong backflips just to infuriate the rest of them, but not today.
"You're not sick are you? You've been acting weird all day." Karol looks at Raven and can't help but notice the way the older man closes his eyes for a second; like he's wishing he could be anywhere but where he is and doing anything aside from what he's doing.
"I'm fine kid. Ol' Raven didn't get a good night's sleep, that's all."
Yup, something is definitely going on. Karol narrows his eyes up at Raven; to hell with not looking suspicious. Karol likes Raven, somehow, and he wants him around and he hates that he knows the man is lying to him; it hurts, really. Raven lies a lot and while he is a good liar, a very, very good liar, it stings Karol every time he does it. And Karol doesn't know if it hurts because he knows that Raven is lying, even after all they've been though, or because maybe Raven feels like he still needs to lie to him. It's not like any of them ever asked Raven to be honest with them. Karol himself is a little scared to know what honestly would be like from Raven; it might hurt more than his lies.
Estelle's tired.
It's not like she's unused to not sleeping at this point –in fact, she's probably better at it than she should be- but she's pretty sure that it has more to do with the new everything she has with Raven right now. She's tired and yet still so on edge and she can't help but feel attuned to him, hyperaware, always keeping him on her radar. It's not that she thinks he's going to go off and do something crazy –except that they've all gone off and done crazy things so it wouldn't be too out of the ordinary- but she's never felt like…
Well, she's never felt like she's really needed to worry quite so much as she does about Raven. A lot of it's tangled up with guilt and shame but the rest of it's simply because he's a friend who, honestly, needs the looking after.
If Estelle's good at one thing, she'd like to think that she's pretty okay at looking after people, and she thinks that Raven needs a lot more looking after than he thinks he does. Certainly more than he's gotten thus far.
Still, she thinks that she does a fairly decent job of keeping it all under wraps, because she knows that the rest of the group –her dearest friends- aren't anywhere near as comfortable with Raven as she thinks they'd like to be and she doesn't want to stir up trouble for him. She wants to make things better, not make them harder.
So she tries to be easy with it. She doesn't lie, doesn't pretend it never happened. She comes out of her tent the next morning with bags under her eyes (because she never did sleep after she left the fire, laying awake until the first streaks of morning when she could scramble out of the tent without there being questions) but a smile curling at her lips, and she goes out of her way to say good morning to Raven, to sit next to him over breakfast. She's not going to lie, she's not going to pretend. She's not going to pretend that she doesn't know.
She's better than that and Raven's better than that. She'll be subtle, she'll be easy, but lie? Estelle's never had all that much of a poker face to start with, even though lately, she's been getting more mileage out of it than she ever would have before.
So the day goes on and Estelle pretends to not be so tired even while they convert a spirit, and she names it Sylph, and it's still one of the most beautiful things she's ever seen in her life.
Behind Yuri and walking abreast of Judy and Rita, Estelle feels like she's slowly being boxed into…well, a box. A very small box with very short sides and thick walls with a spiky ceiling that's slowly being lowered further and further, until Estelle can't move without expecting it to hurt. Needless to say, it's making her more than a bit jumpy.
Rita's speaking but if she's being honest, Estelle wouldn't be able to repeat the words because she's been trying to not watch behind her, trying not to crane her head, trying not to look like she's doing exactly what she's doing, which is making sure that she knows exactly where Raven happens to be in the vicinity. She didn't miss the way he staggered, doesn't miss the way he walks behind all of them like he's just going the same direction and not the same place.
She wants to drift back, to walk with him, because maybe he's not a part of the group in the way he should be, but he's with her, or maybe she's with him. She doesn't know and doesn't really care, because it adds up the same no matter the order.
"Estelle, are you listening to me?"
"Huh?" Estelle stiffens and shifts her gaze to look Rita in the eyes. Rita, who looks more than a little exasperated to be honest, like she's just repeated herself about five times. Maybe she has; Estelle hasn't been listening. "I—I'm sorry," she says.
"Are you okay? You seem kind of off."
Estelle forces her lips upwards into what she hopes looks like a sheepish smile which ends up coming out more like a flinch, waving her hands in front of her.
"Oh, no. No, no, I'm fine. Why would you think I'm off? I'm just fine! Perfectly perfect. Never better! How about that spirit conversion, huh?"
Rita just stares at her suspiciously and Estelle cocks her head to see what Judy, observant and slightly terrifying Judy, thinks about this. The other girl's face is indecipherable, a cryptic smile curling at her lips. Estelle's never sure about that smile because Judith always seems to know everything about everyone but she doesn't know this, can't know this, and she doesn't know whether the thought makes her feel better or worse.
"…are you sure?"
Her fingers tangling in the edge of her dress, Estelle nods and hopes it looks natural.
It doesn't, because Rita doesn't look convinced in the slightest. Like, at all.
"Really, I'm okay."
"Alright, then…if you're positive," Rita tells her dubiously, "But tell someone if you're not, okay? You will, right?"
And Estelle almost wants to laugh. Laugh and laugh and laugh, and then cry.
She hesitates for a heartbeat but nods again, hating the feeling of a lie settling in her stomach, "Yes, of course."
"Okay, now I know you're full of it," Rita snaps and reaches out to whap Estelle in the shoulder, "Seriously, what's wrong? You've been weird all day. We did good, you should be happy!"
"I-I am happy," Estelle protests, "I'm not being weird."
"Actually, you're being the definition of weird. And evasive! Judith, isn't she being weird?"
Estelle casts a betrayed stare over Rita's head when Judy levels a much more considering one in return.
"Maybe we ought to leave Estelle alone if she doesn't want to talk about what's bothering her," the Krityan says mildly, like it's just that obvious that Estelle's distracted and out of sorts. She supposes that it probably is.
"Oh, come off it! That just means that there's even more reason to keep asking—"
"Look, could you please just leave me alone about it?" Estelle doesn't mean to say it as loudly as it comes out but the next thing she knows, Yuri's turning around to raise his eyebrows at her and Rita's mouth is hanging open and Judy is holding up the most enviable poker face that Estelle's ever seen. She can't bring herself to so much as look behind her. Squirming uncomfortably, Estelle curls her shoulders in and adds a quiet, "I'm sorry."
Rita frowns but reluctantly drops it, startled into silence by the outburst, even though she doesn't shift her distance like she would if she were angry.
The awkward silence is even more uncomfortable than the questions.
"You should show me the new arte you learned when you get the chance; it was very creative," Estelle offers the olive branch and worries her lower lip between her teeth.
"Yeah okay," Rita replies with a slightly uneasy smile and keeps walking.
The conversation continues and the tension between them eases but doesn't quite leave.
Yuri can't resist the urge to turn around and look at the girls as he hears Estelle raise her voice. That's new. He's seen Estelle upset before, maybe a little short or to the point, but he's never hear her legitimately cross before. Seeing Rita's face at being told to stuff it is pretty amusing too.
Estelle has been on edge all day- well, all month, really. Yuri knows why and after everything she's been through recently he hasn't pushed the matter, but today was different. Today she's been acting stranger...er. Stranger than normal because everyone in their group is strange in one form or another. He's been dying to ask her to talk, to tell him what it is that is on her mind because she's not all right. No one could be all right after…that. All of them have been through a lot recently and Yuri would be a hypocrite if he called the others out on not talking because it's not like he's talking either. But Yuri knows better than to push it for now so he keeps walking towards the exit of the aer krene, Repede at his side and doesn't turn around.
At least not until they're outside and he stops in the middle of a generously sized field. Behind him, Estelle, Rita, and Judy are walking next to each other and talking but looking every which place but each other. That's always a good sign. Not. Behind them he spots Raven trudging along with Karol, slowly. Karol's eyes keep flicking from Raven to the ground; one of the kid's tells that he is either suspicious or worried. Or both. The old man was also acting weird today and he was perfectly okay with not finding out why. Raven was just weird and that was the only conclusion that Yuri is ever going to come to.
The air is light and the sun is warm, but not uncomfortable. Maybe he should ask Judy to tell Ba'ul to land somewhere and they can just set up camp here. They're all tired after the spirit conversion; and Yuri isn't feeling his greatest after taking the second half of the night watch and very plainly overthinking things until the sun came up. Not to mention he had other things to occupy his mind.
So many other things on his mind. The guild, Alexei, the Adephagos, Flynn, keeping the group safe, his free fall from Zaude, Pharaoh, Duke, spirits, blastia, Estelle...
A glimmer of pink catches his eye and Yuri turns to Estelle, planting a small smile on his face. She's been so… not Estelle lately (who could blame her for that after what Alexei did to her). "So I was thinking we could just set-"
"Yuri!"
Yuri turns as Karol jogs up to him, carrying a small white and yellow flower in one hand. He raises an eyebrow at him. "What's this? That's sweet, Karol, but I'm not really a flower kind of guy…"
"Ugh, Yuri…" Karol sighs and he drops his head a little to shake it but quickly snaps back to attention. "This is a Honey Dew flower; giant wasps like to build their nests near them. I don't think we should stay here much longer."
Yuri nods.
So much for setting up camp early tonight.
Raven stands a little further away from the group than usual (sort of glad when Karol goes over to Yuri after picking up a flower) but he knows that Yuri is eying him again. He can feel it but he doesn't acknowledge it. The younger man has been trying to get his attention all day (not too subtly either) and Raven's been happy to pretend not to notice because he knows Yuri is going to be the most difficult to talk to when it comes down to it. He knew the kid was already suspicious last night and Raven's not all that surprised. He's been through a lot in his twenty-one years of life and that's made Yuri strong and determined, but it has also made him wary of change and stubborn against seeing things from different perspectives. It's going to take more than just a night at the campfire to get rid of the apprehensive air between them (it's going to take more with Estelle too but not quite as much). It's something that Raven is going to have to work very hard at, even if in the end he might fail.
And that won't be Yuri's fault at all because Raven doesn't blame him, and he never will.
The others in the group might be easier; Raven hopes they'll be easier at least. Judy will understand; she may be a world-hardened girl, but she's understanding and has been there before and has a way with forgiveness that Raven finds hard to believe exists in someone who's seen so much cruelty. Rita probably won't even want to talk to him which, for as much as Raven respects her intellect and ingenuity, he's okay with. He doesn't hate the young mage, but he doesn't ever see them becoming all that close. Karol will be difficult to talk to, not as hard as Yuri, but pretty damn close. The look of despair and betrayal on Karol's face when he stepped out in full captain's armor still haunts him. He hadn't realized how close Karol had gotten to him until it was too late and during their battle at— he heard the word "father" between the sounds of swords clashing.
Raven's blue eyes focus on a dark cloud passing overhead and he wonders where it's come from, since the rest of the sky is blue and cloudless as far as the eye can see. That's when he almost misses Karol's shout of surprise and it takes just a few seconds longer than usual for Raven to realize that the black lump of leather at his feet is Yuri's sword sheath that he's discarded because there is a pack of wasps buzzing at them from three different directions.
Oh, well, isn't this just fantastic?
Estelle jerks to attention when she hears Karol's voice pitch high and surprised, and not a few moments later they're smack dab in the middle of a pack of wasps. All she can hear then is an angry, agitated hum and the vibration of papery wings on air.
"Aw, sheesh," Rita mutters under her breath and Estelle reaches down to grip the hilt of her sword.
It happens all at once like it usually does, and Estelle's not sure who makes the first move, whether they're attacked or they attack but the next thing she knows, she's drawing that sword and darting forward with a series of slashes and jabs that come with rainbows and music notes. She doesn't need to back up yet, not yet when the battle's just started.
Estelle keeps track of her friends, Yuri not far away from her and fighting with a bounce in his step, Judy not too far from him. There's Rita, lashing out with spells and sweeping arcs of her sash, Karol bringing his hammer down in the middle of a cluster of insects to send them flying.
And then there's Raven, set apart from all of them.
Estelle gets thrown out of her thoughts when a stinger just misses her ear, and it's with a surprised 'eep!' that she retaliates by running the wasp straight through, skittering backwards to avoid the mess when it drops to the ground in pieces. It doesn't matter how many battles they fight, Estelle will never understand how people actually enjoy doing this.
The thrill of the fight she can understand, the estimation of your own skills and knowing that you can protect yourself she can both understand and agree with, but to get pleasure from killing, even if they are monsters? She can't get that.
Still, she'll fight before she dies.
"Get with it!" Yuri tells her the next time they're close, "Focus on what you're doing!"
"S-sorry!" Estelle replies and ducks backwards to the edge of the field; it'll be better to cast for now rather than risk getting her head lopped off from inattention.
Raven releases arrow after arrow and does his dance around the field. He's still separated from the rest of the group, but this time not because he wants to be. The group of wasps has managed to get in the middle of the group, spreading them around the grassy area and he's dealing with a few more monsters than his tired arms can handle.
Looking around, Raven eyes the rest of the group; Estelle has Yuri at her back and Judy is keeping a close eye on Rita while Repede is tag teaming with Karol. Even though he's alone Raven knows there's nothing he can do but keep fighting and he's decided that he wants to keep fighting.
So he does despite the pain shooting through his body right now and how hard he's finding it to breathe.
Raven ignores it as he notches his next arrow and aims high but when the string is pulled back and his lineup is perfect, his chest seizes and he chokes on a breath to start coughing and the arrow misses its mark by miles.
With a stumbling step forward, Raven ducks under the wasp he missed as it dives down at him, its stinger ripping a tear in his jacket as it barely misses his shoulder. He whirls around and folds his bow up in favor of his dagger and clips the wings off the over grown bee. It falls to the ground on its back, wriggling and flailing and Raven dips down to slice it in half.
That's when his vision starts to blur and the world tilts dangerously to one side. Raven suddenly finds himself on his knees, a hand grabbing at his blastia as it stutters in an unfamiliar beat.
What the hell?
Someone's calls his name, but Raven can't make out whose voice it is; all he knows is that it sounds far away and echoes in his ears like a voice off a canyon's walls. He shakes his head and tries to clear away the fuzz clouding his mind, but that only makes the world spin faster. Someone grabs him and everything goes dark—
Estelle sees it out of the corner of her eye, sees Raven raise his bow to loose an arrow, sees him stutter as if in slow motion. Sees him miss his shot and then drop like a stone.
She didn't miss Raven falter earlier after they'd converted Sylph, hadn't missed him raise a hand to press it to his blastia like it was going to fall right out of him, hadn't missed him go pale or breathe hard and look like he hurt. But then they hadn't had time, they got attacked, and now she wishes that she'd spared just a few moments to move closer, to do anything.
And she doesn't realize when the circle underneath her feet goes out mid-cast right before she was finished, and she doesn't realize how loudly her voice carries across the field when she lets out a scream she doesn't know she's capable of making, and she doesn't realize how Yuri stops and stares when she darts around him to barrel through the fray.
"I'll protect you!"
She won't let him die, not when this is all so new, not when she's only realized how miserably she's failed.
And Estelle finds herself skidding in front of Raven and dropping down next to him just as another wasp replaces the one he downed.
She doesn't think at all about whipping out her blade and tearing it down.
"Raven, Raven, are you alright?" Stupid question, she thinks, of course he's not, "What's wrong?" she asks a little frantically, alternating between watching him and watching the battlefield. He's taking quick and shallow breaths and gripping tightly at the area of his blastia, and Estelle stays down with him, crouched down and defensive. With her free hand, she reaches out and grips him by the upper arm, shouldering him a little closer to her, "It's going to be okay, I've got this, it's going to be okay—!" She doesn't know what's wrong with him, can't stop long enough to find out. All she can do right now is stay where she is and doing the fighting for both of them until she can make it all stop. "I've got it, I promise. You're going to be alright!"
They just keep coming, and Estelle lashes out again, over and over again because there's no way that she can't, because if she doesn't fight they won't get out of this alive.
She's only got one blade, though, and it's not long before they're surrounded and she loses count of how many she kills, how many there are, and she doesn't see it coming when suddenly, there's a stinger going in one side of her arm and out the other, staining white fabric red.
Yuri sees Raven miss his shot; as weird as that is because Raven never misses and then the older man hits the dirt; his bow popping out of its lock as it falls from between his fingers; it tumbles and unfolds violently a few feet away, its string snapping with a loud twang. Yuri freezes and his feet jerk in Raven's direction but that's when he sees Estelle stop dead, turn foot and race at the archer with an almost unbelievable shout on her lips. Then red splatters across white and pink and nothing else matters.
"Estelle!" Yuri knows he's yelled her name but he can't hear his own voice above everyone else's cries.
Tripling his efforts, Yuri takes down bug after bug as he makes his way across the small field, his eyes never leaving Estelle. Her sword drops to the ground soundlessly and the princess hits her knees as her left arm falls limply to her side. Despite the red quickly spreading down her sleeve to drip off of her finger tips, she's still in front of Raven, still defensive against the last few wasps charging at her.
Rita's piercing voice rips through the air and a slew of fire balls fly by Yuri's head to take out the final monsters. Tossing his own sword away, Yuri drops down in front of Estelle and pushes Raven aside (flings him aside really) with a little more force than he means to. Raven's blue eyes meet his own dark ones for a moment; widening and sparkling with pain and something extremely akin to fear before he falls to the side the world lost to him.
By this time the rest of the group has converged with about fifty of their own questions. Rita swoops in next to Yuri, a couple of creative curses on her lips, and Karol drops down next to Raven to shake him slightly.
"Raven?" Karol sounds stuck somewhere between angry and scared. His own breathing speeds up as the older man doesn't respond. He feels like he's being torn in two and he's not sure who exactly he should be worrying about more at the moment: Estelle who's bleeding, bleeding so much and so fast and who isn't caring at all or Raven, who's stark white and unconscious and breathing like the air isn't reaching his lungs.
Maybe the real reason for his panic is that Karol can't believe he would have to make that kind of choice, ever. He should just be able to worry about them both equally but for some reason he can't. The rest of the group would look down on him for it, especially Yuri. But Estelle would hate him for worrying over her and not Raven, but Rita would probably hit him (again, like always) for not worrying enough about Estelle. Judy… well, Judy scared him because he just wouldn't know what she's thinking because he never knows what she's thinking.
This is wrong. So wrong, but Estelle has the rest of them hovering over her right now because she's just going to sit next to Raven and hover over him; even if he can't do a damn thing to help him because that's the way it always feels. All the knowledge he has (and that's a rather large stockpile of random facts) and it always feels useless. He couldn't even warn Yuri fast enough about the flowers before they got attacked. Karol's always a minute too late with just the right information and he's not sure if that's better or worse than not having the information at all
Judy kneels down behind Estelle and rips a piece of cloth from the small skirt (well something like a skirt) around her waist and quickly ties it around the wound. "Sorry if this hurts, but we need to stop the bleeding."
Taking Estelle's arm in his hands, all Yuri can see is red. Red spreading over white and red all over his own hands just like the red from their fight in the Zaphias; the fight that never would have happened had it not been for Raven's betrayal.
This red is the same as that red. Raven seems to always paint with red.
"Estelle, are you okay? What were you thinking?" Yuri's hands shake and he hates the way they shake, but when it comes to Estelle he always seems to lose his repose. His hands fumble as they try to take her glove off, but the fabric is slick. "Dammit, that looks awful. Does it hurt?"
Estelle shakes out of Yuri's grip.
"What do you think you're doing? He's hurt!" She protests and kneels down on the ground next to Raven, right alongside Karol. He's out cold, and she doesn't think as she presses her fingertips to his jugular, feeling his heart race rabbit-quick. She considers her healing artes but changes her mind at the last moment; this doesn't seem like something she can heal. Not the way she'd like to.
"Estelle, you're hurt—" Rita begins, but trails off when Estelle interrupts her.
"I'm fine, it doesn't matter, I'm fine," Estelle replies absently, "Raven? Raven, come on , it's going to be alright, wake up." He doesn't, can't answer her, and she whips her head around to glare sharply at Yuri, "Why would you just throw him around like that?!"
Yuri starts. "Whoa whoa, what?"
He doesn't really know what to say outside of that. Estelle's eyes narrow at him and he puts his hands in the air and shakes his head. She looks so angry. Yes, he was a little rougher with Raven than he had intended, but he wasn't the one bleeding all over creation. Raven was the reason for the panic and high tension right now.
"If you want to help Raven," Judy sweeps in, her voice soft and soothing like usual. "We can't have you, our healer, passing out on us."
Estelle shifts to look behind her at Judy a refusal already on her lips. "But-"
"No buts, Estelle!" Yuri almost yells. Almost. The princess' face is going paler by the minute and white cloth Judy had tied around her arm was already completely crimson and he was, admittedly, starting to freak out a little. Estelle can be brash at times, but this was borderline reckless. "What's come over you? You're bleeding. He's not and that's the end of it."
That's when Yuri catches Judy's eye and the Krityan is very clearly telling him to shut up before things get worse. Not that it would take all that much more to make things worse at the moment, but she is right, there is no need to add to the chaos if he can help it. Still, he's nervous and curious and a little more than bewildered at Estelle's behavior today (specifically right now), but now's not the right time. He knows he has a problem with putting his curiosity first and he has to break that habit. It always seems to get him in trouble quicker.
Taking a breath Yuri nods and turns back to Estelle trying to soften his words. "Look, let's get you healed up and Karol will watch Raven okay?"
Rita lets out a scoff. "Karol's the only other one that heals here, considering the old man here is useless at the moment!" Whipping a hand out she smacks Karol on the back of his shoulder causing the boy to tumble forward from where he was crouching down onto his knees. "Hey, kid, make with the green circles."
"Ow! Rita!" Karol rubs his shoulder turning a glare towards the mage. Why does she always have to hit so hard? Why does she have to hit in the first place? "I can't heal like Estelle can; not big injuries like this. I don't wanna hurt her by mistake. I mean, can't Estelle heal herself?"
Yuri fights the urge to hit himself in the forehead. Of course she can, that's probably why she was the only one not freaking out right now. He's overreacting and he wishes he had a valid reason for it, but all he can see is Estelle's blood (again) and he just wants to freeze the world and make everything better for her. She's bled enough at the hands of others and he can't stand to see it again.
If he can't keep her from bleeding her can't help her and if he can't help her he can't help himself and if he can't help himself he can't help this world. Everything is so closely connected that if he slips up just once then it'll all come crashing down.
Again.
So right now they get Estelle healed and then they figure out what's wrong with Raven and then they can get out of here and keep going. Because that's all Yuri knows how to do right now: just keep moving forward because if he pauses to think too much he might not be able to get up the energy to move again. Last night, after Raven had left him alone by that campfire, he thought too much. The morning came and he felt heavier and more scared about things than ever before.
But right now, Estelle isn't paying attention to any of them anymore. Instead she has focused back on Raven, whose eyes flutter open but don't focus on anything. He lets out a small groan, a hand absently going right for his blastia and clutching tightly.
Estelle's at his side grabbing his hand as Karol leans in. "Raven?"
"Estelle?" Yuri takes a step forward. She is still bleeding and not caring. "You need to-"
The princess suddenly snaps her head to the side looking at Rita. "Rita, it's his blastia. Could you maybe figure out what's wrong?"
"Estelle?" Still bleeding.
"I don't think I can heal this so maybe if we can figure out why this happened-"
"Estelle?" Still…
"I wonder if the spirit conversion has something to do with this. Oh, why didn't you say anything Rav-"
"Estelle!" Yuri sees white at the corner of his eyes. He rushes forward, ignoring how everyone freezes at his sudden movement, and grabs a handful of purple jacket to drag the archer up towards him until their noses are touching. "What the hell is your problem, old man?!"
His shout echoes all around in the sudden silence that has fallen upon the field.
Estelle's still not quite sure how it happens, but suddenly Yuri's stepping forward to grab Raven by the collar. Raven, who's wide-eyed and shaken. Raven, whose face is stark white and wearing an expression horrifically resigned to such treatment. Raven, who still looks sick and in pain.
And then she forgets the pain shooting up and down her body, forgets that she actually has a legitimate hole in her arm that's bleeding through the makeshift bandage, forgets that she really ought to heal herself, and instead gives herself over to something she's not quite so familiar with: an indignant rage that makes her run hot and cold by turn. It's a rage that makes her shake because that's it, that's just it. She's had enough.
Gloved fists clench into steadily reddening palms.
It's not enough.
It's never enough.
"Yuri—Yuri, stop!"
Estelle shoves herself through Rita's concerned and questioning fingers, reaching out to tug Yuri away from Raven. She pushes on his chest to throw him back a pace, managing only because he's gone slack with shock.
"Estelle, what are you doing?"
She puts Raven behind her, ignoring the way he doesn't resist her either, probably for the same reasons as Yuri.
"That's—enough," She says through gritted teeth, "That's enough, stop hurting him. Stop it."
Raven's staring at her and she doesn't meet his eyes, instead keeping her own locked on Yuri. She doesn't realize that she's breathing hard through her nose or that the fingers on her left hand have gone numb. From pain? From poison? She doesn't know and she doesn't care because it's the very last thing on her mind. The only thing she hears is her heartbeat ringing in her head like the drums on festival days and she knows that this is unlike her, knows that she's been in worse situations and hasn't lost it yet.
She's kept her composure through things that have had everyone else panicking and losing it. Maybe it's just because she's stupid, but Estelle can't make herself care about the whys, only the whats.
And none of the whats are too happy.
Raven's not quite sure what to think. He's very, very confused. The last thing he vaguely remembers is Estelle standing in front of him and then… Yuri?
But Yuri is here now, in his face and yelling something at him, but Raven can't quite make out the words. It's clear that Yuri is angry, very angry in the way that the young man shakes him slightly in his death grip that Raven's pretty sure is the only reason he's not on the ground anymore.
Then pink is wiggling in between them and Yuri's getting pushed back and Raven's stumbling a few steps and wishing the shaking in his knees would stop because he's certain they can't hold him up. A hand catches him in the lower back and Raven looks down at Karol who stares back, wide eyed and worried. Karol says something but the words are a jumbled mess between the pounding of a heart beat in his ears and Estelle's yelling.
Estelle is…yelling? Raven turns to see Estelle staring down Yuri and Yuri staring back open mouthed. Estelle who's covered in red. Covered in blood and pale skinned.
Suddenly everything makes sense.
The ringing in his head stops and the blurry fuzz in the corners of his eyes go away and he can hear and see and think and he suddenly knows exactly what happened and what is happening. He had collapsed and Estelle had been there and now she was covered in blood and it wasn't his. It was hers. She was injured and he wasn't. She had…protected him.
And now Yuri was angry at him for it. Understandable.
But why is Estelle yelling at Yuri?
Estelle is seething; breathing between her teeth, fists clenched, and blood still flowing freely down her arm. She's staring at Yuri hard like she wants to punch him and Yuri's too shocked to look anywhere other than at the princess. Rita's eyes are flicking between the two of them and Karol looks like he wants to run away, which Raven would gladly join in doing with him if he wasn't holding Raven up and if Raven could trust his feet to take him more than a couple of feet. Judy and Repede are standing together just a little behind everyone else either waiting to pull apart a fist fight or watch whatever bomb that's about to go off from a slightly safer distance.
And it's suddenly dead quiet.
Something under his skin itches and Raven decides he needs to move; he'll pop if something doesn't happen now. Putting a hand on Karol's shoulder he takes an unsteady step away from the kid and reaches up laying a gentle hand over the sopping wet bandage over the wound on Estelle's arm and she doesn't even flinch or look at him, but Rita does. She stalks forward and grabs his hand in hers and throws his arm back, pushing him so hard he almost falls over.
"Don't touch her! You're only going to make things worse; that's all you seem to be good at doing!"
Raven closes his eyes after a second and turns away from her. There is no use in saying anything to her or Yuri; they're too focused on Estelle right now. They never took him seriously in the past, which before was fine because he didn't want to be taken seriously. Now, though, now he wants to be taken seriously and he won't be no matter what he says. Maybe all his thinking about changing and trying to make amends is useless. A child's hope in an old man who's just too late in his years to try and find out what he wants or, more importantly, what he needs.
He's being selfish and he hates it. He hasn't thought about himself and his life so much since before the war and now that he is, the rest of the group is paying for it. He hasn't been pulling his weight all day, forcing everyone else to pick up his slack, and now Estelle is taking heat for him.
Now might be a good time for Raven to bow, duck back and make for the hills so they wouldn't have to deal with him and his unreliability anymore. Then maybe he wouldn't have to feel all this regret… except that he will always have this regret and he knows it.
And this will just be another piece of gald to add to the jar of regret that he carries around with him wherever he goes. What was Estelle even thinking? He doesn't remember how she started bleeding but it must have been because of him; she was there, near him, while the world spun and he thought, for a brief moment, that maybe this was finally going to be it. She had told him it was going to be okay and something in him must have believed her because he stopped panicking somewhere between falling and blacking out.
She reached out to help him and all she got in return was a terrible wound.
Fine work there, Raven. He was the oldest, the most experienced, he should be the one protecting them but obviously he's incapable of doing that. He can hardly watch after himself right now; let alone a bunch of children that really don't want his help (Estelle excluded at this point).
Estelle turns her icy glare to Rita and opens her mouth, but Raven quickly jumps in. He has to stop her before this escalates even more.
"Estelle, darlin', this isn't anything I don't deserve. Our genius mage is right, y'know? I messed up."
Yuri finally snaps out of his shell shock and grits his teeth as he rounds on Raven again, mad enough to spit. "Damn straight you deserve this. What the hell happened?! You've been acting weird all day, old man, then you go and topple over in the middle of battle and now Estelle's paying for it again because of you!"
Estelle sees Raven back up out of the corner of her eye and feels her throat tighten like fingers. No. No, no, no. This isn't happening, not after everything that happened last night. She's not going to let this happen. She told herself she'd protect him. Maybe she hadn't told him that just yet but she'd promised herself, and that was enough.
He was her friend, hers to protect.
She just…she never thought she'd be having to protect him from people she considers her friends. Her best friends. The first friends she's ever had in her short life. The first people who've ever looked at her and haven't just seen a princess who needs to be protected and hidden away.
Nevertheless, despite all of that, he's hers to protect.
"I'll decide that for myself, thank you," she hears herself snap in Raven's direction, shifting stubbornly to keep him behind her, and focuses back on Yuri, who's staring at her like he's never seen her in his life.
Estelle ignores Rita for the moment and takes a step forward, distantly aware of the way Judith positions herself just at her side, like she's ready and waiting for anything. Like she's fully prepared to step in and separate them.
And if there's not something horribly wrong with that, Estelle's not quite sure what is.
She takes another step and then another, and another until she's not six inches away from Yuri, practically nose to nose with him despite the height difference between them. Abstractly, she notes that she's vibrating with tension and beneath the confusion, he's tense and keyed up. Join the club. She feels like a box, locked up but just barely, and the sea of everything she feels burns just underneath the surface like it lives underneath her skin.
"Yuri Lowell," she says, low and ice quiet and sharp, "Don't you try to tell me that you've never done anything in your life to be ashamed of."
She doesn't know why she's doing this.
Her precious friends are staring at her in shock with expressions ranging from hurt to pure and utter confusion.
She knows it's not right, especially after last night, the way they've all treated him, and last night's revelations have a lot to do with why she's so angry right now, but her motivations aren't entirely altruistic.
There's a part of her that she knows full well has nothing to do with Raven that's been cringing this whole time, and when she looks at Raven, that part of her knows him. It's the part of her that's broken, she thinks, still broken and in so many pieces and that part of her recognizes Raven and understands that he's broken. That broken part of her knows him like she knows her own nightmares and sleepless evenings and she can't help but think that maybe if they can get past this, then there's hope for that broken part of her that she can't let anyone else know about.
If she can help him, maybe she can help herself too.
Maybe if she can protect him, they won't hate her so much when they find out that she's broken too.
"W…what?" Yuri stutters and actually takes a step away from Estelle. She's furious…no, she's livid and he can feel the fury radiating from her like heat waves off the pavement on a hot summer's day. But one step back is enough because Yuri is also mad. Mad and confused. Raven doesn't deserve her kindness and he certainly doesn't deserve her protection. Not when she couldn't protect herself from him. Not when she shouldn't have to protect herself from him.
"Of course I have, but what does that have to do with anything, Estelle? Look at you! You just ran across a battle field to protect the very guy who betrayed you; betrayed us! That was barely two months ago and you're suddenly standing up for him? What's changed?!" Yuri throws an arm up and points a single shaking finger at Raven. "He hasn't!"
Raven wants to put a hand to his blastia because suddenly it hurts. It doesn't hurt in the way that it did during the spirit conversion. Not in the way that it did in the months after it was first shoved into his body. Not in the way that it does daily when he fights or runs. But it hurts in the way that the guilt and shame he is carrying is suddenly clawing its way around it and is slowly choking its steady beat. But he doesn't reach up because any movement he makes might hurt someone else.
Yuri is right, of course. Yuri is almost always right because the kid's smarter than anyone gives him credit for. Raven hasn't given him any reason to change his opinion or forgive him. Even after rejoining their group to finish this journey, he just jumped back into his old routine with the same jokes and same nonchalant mannerisms.
Come to think of it, he never even apologized to Yuri or anyone other than Estelle after the battle atop the castle in Zaphias. Estelle deserved his first apology (and his second last night) before anyone else, but he never got around to actually saying "I'm sorry" to the others. Sure, he stopped trying to be so 'sketchy' and he shared whatever information he could to help them, gave them everything he could in and out of battle, but those acts are meaningless without words.
Raven thinks that maybe he should have started thinking about changing a little sooner than last night. Well, he always thought about changing; he just wishes he found a reason to act on those thought before now. It could have prevented all of this. Could have prevented…a lot.
Rita takes a step towards Estelle now. A step forward and slightly to the left so that she can get closer to being between Raven and the princess. "Estelle, I know you have this constant need to help and protect others, but really, you need to figure out your priorities. He isn't worth your blood; not after everything he's done to you!"
Estelle likes to think that she's relatively even-tempered. She likes to think that, in general, she doesn't give in to her rare fits of bad-humor, which she tends to be able to brush off most things that come her way with a minimum of fuss or shouting. She knows that she can be a bit stupid but she's also the one everyone trusts to keep her head when tempers are high because she doesn't have all that much of a one to start with.
But she can't take this.
Estelle shifts her attention from Yuri to Rita, flinging out a hand to stop her movements, to keep her from coming closer. There've been times, not even times a while back but recent times, where she's reached out to draw her closer. Now she holds her back.
"No," she orders, "You need to figure out your priorities and leave mine alone." Rita gapes at her and she barrels on without a care –she doesn't have enough room inside her right now to care-, "Raven's here and he's not going anywhere, so you can just take your antagonism and just—just—" she fumbles for an appropriate suggestion that doesn't involve swear words -spirits, she's dangerously close to swear words-, "Just shove it, okay? What right do you have to tell me what I should do or think?"
She drags in a breath, shallow and fast, and ignores the hurt that flickers over Rita's face to get back to Yuri.
"And you…"
For a moment, she honestly can't think of anything to say because she feels everything, so much, too much, so much that her words can't follow her feelings.
"If anyone has the right to decide what Raven deserves from me, it's me. You say that he kidnapped me, hurt me, and I don't have the right to treat him as I please?" The words tumble from her lips, fast and jumbled and so angry and hurt. "You don't get to tell me what to do or feel either. You don't know—" she cuts herself off because she has to breathe, "You don't know anything. You don't know anything."
Estelle can't help but remember, then, not for the first time that day, the look of absolute agony that had made its home on Raven's face last night, the entire time he talked. Despite that now it's a memory now, it still makes her hurt somewhere from a place she can't touch.
"Do you think that you didn't have any part in how things turned out?" She drags steely green eyes from Yuri to look over all of them. Karol's making little rocking motions on the balls of his feet, like he's not sure whether he wants to run away or come closer. "I know I did."
And she still remembers because a single conversation won't take back the shame, won't erase the way she ignored him and took advantage and assumed, and didn't even care.
Dead silence reigns.
A cold pit is now rising up through his stomach because Raven knows where this is going: it's going where it went last night. He does not want this to go there. He doesn't want to deal with that.
No.
He can't deal with that. Not right now. Last night was hard. These last two months were hard. These last ten years were hard. And now that he's finally trying to come to terms with all of that…he can't answer the questions they want to ask. He can't retell the story he never wanted to tell but told last night to a princess over a campfire.
Maybe he should have just stayed with Ba'ul while they did the spirit conversion, taken a sick day even though he isn't actually sick, just tired and confused and weak. Maybe he should have done anything to avoid this.
At least now the attention of the group is entirely on Estelle. The simmering, trembling, intense little ball of pink that is Estelle.
Small miracles.
Not that any of this should be happening. Estelle should not be this mad at Yuri because of him, Yuri should not be as angry right back, Estelle should not have had to stand up for him because she should not have gotten hurt. She shouldn't have had to protect him in battle because he should not have put himself in that situation. He shouldn't have been there because she shouldn't have kept his condition silent and he shouldn't have had to keep his condition silent because she shouldn't have to pretend around the group. He shouldn't have to do that because he shouldn't have kidnapped Estelle because he shouldn't have followed Alexei's orders because he shouldn't have been saved by the ex-commandant because he shouldn't have died in the war because he should have lived like his friends wanted him to.
On and on; this list never ends and Raven can't take it. All the things he shouldn't have done and all the things that shouldn't be…all because of him.
"I believe you're right, Estelle. I know I did as well." It's Judy who finally breaks the silence. She casts an apologetic smile in Raven's direction. "I haven't been very kind."
Huh? Raven raises an eyebrow at the Krityan. She…wasn't serious was she? Judy might be one of the most cryptic people he's ever known, but he generally likes to think he can read her. Right now, he can't tell if she's being honest or if she's pushing Estelle. On any other day Raven would figure it out, but for now he is just going to blame his dizziness and leave it be.
"Oh come on, Judy, not you too." Yuri turns to cast a quick glare at the Krityan. How could Judy or Estelle have anything to do with Raven's backstabbing? They didn't do anything to wrong Raven; the old man had his intentions from the beginning.
Judy simply nods and puts her hands behind her back. "I agree with Estelle. None of us have been very honest with each other recently."
Estelle closes her eyes tight now and Yuri can't come up with a rebuttal. If that wasn't one of the truest things he's heard all day then Repede's been a cat this whole time.
He just doesn't want to admit it. None of them do. But this isn't about that. It's not about Yuri having killed two men (three, but thinking about the Don makes him sick to his stomach) and it's not about how Judy was the person destroying blastia or about how Karol did run away from battle and leave them in a precarious situation or Rita's anger issues or Estelle's on the fly whims. This was about Raven being a liability and about Estelle getting hurt because of it.
Yuri quickly looks at the rest of the group. Rita shrugs at him and shakes her head, looking just about as baffled as he feels and Karol… Karol looks just as guilty as Estelle does right now.
What the hell?
Why, spirits, why does Estelle look guilty?! She looks pained and hurt and it's not because of the wound on her arm; it's not even for herself and Yuri just can't understand it. Raven isn't a good person; he hasn't shown them any reason to think differently. And yes, someone (maybe Estelle or Karol or maybe Judy) might argue that he did save them by allowing an entire ceiling to crash down on top of him, but that isn't nearly enough to make up for what he did.
Turning back to Estelle, Yuri frowns. "Look, I know you told me that Raven apologized to you, but-"
Estelle cuts him off, her words are sharper than the edge of his own sword. "There are no buts, Yuri."
"Then what? What the hell is going on here!?" Yuri finds himself shouting now. He doesn't mean to, but he's just so angry and, if he's honest with himself, hurt. Estelle's never been cross with him before, not like this, and it's all because of something he's missed or doesn't understand or a little of both.
Why is Estelle so angry at him?
"Raven hasn't proven anything to us! Not that he can be trusted, not that he's changed. He's been here with us because his life belongs to Brave Vesperia now; I am not going to let him out of my sight just so he can go and hurt other people or hurt—hurt you again!"
"Why didn't you kill him when he gave you the chance? Wouldn't that have solved everything?" Estelle digs in with teeth at the shock she can see on his face. "Raven told me everything that happened while I was with Alexei. Even about how he threw a dagger at you and you spared his life. If you can't trust him, why didn't you kill him then? Why did you let him live? Was it because of pity? You don't pity people, Yuri, so why?"
And this is something she needs to know, because she just doesn't understand.
"Because he didn't deserve to just die and not pay for what he did!"
Estelle goes stock still and the rushing in her ears gets louder like a tidal wave. She feels like she's going to get pulled out to sea by the tide, drowning in her own foreign anger.
All evidence of Estelle's good temper has fled her and as Yuri shouts she shouts right back at him, her voice pitching high and furious and not a small bit hysterical as she flings her hand back and slams it against Yuri's chest as hard as she can, right over his heart. Quivering on the spot, she looks him in the eyes and stays her hand. Blatant confusion mixed with a good deal of residual fury shows plainly on Yuri's face as he looks from her face to her hand to Raven and back to her, as shocked as if she'd actually hit him like she'd been tempted.
"You have one of these!" she shrieks at the top of her lungs, repeating the gesture once more for good measure and tangling her fingers in the fabric of his shirt. Every word is even louder against the silence. "You have one! I can feel it. So why aren't you using it?"
She can feel the heat building up behind her eyes and that combined with the cold in her stomach makes her dizzy. She blinks back any evidence of tears that might show, still blinded with the sort of raw fury that she so rarely gives into. That she's never given into.
Yuri opens his mouth to speak and she cuts him off.
"No, you're going to listen to every word I say, and you're going to remember every last one of them. Tell me, what did any of us ever do to make him feel like he belonged?" Estelle relaxes her grip but doesn't let go, "Did anyone ever even so much as thank him for anything he did that he didn't have to? No! You—I—all of us, we just sat there and ignored it all because it was easy. With the way we treated him—" And here her eyes do water a bit and she raises a hand to scrub at them, unaware of the way she leaves red streaked across her face wherever she's touched, "Why was anyone surprised?"
"Estelle—" Rita begins and makes to walk forward only to be stopped by a hand gripping her arm.
"Let her finish," Judith says evenly, eyeing Estelle with a scrutiny that would make her uncomfortable at any other time. Still, her eyes are warm.
Estelle's surprised, a bit, to find that kind of support in Judy. The other girl's always been a mystery to her but even if she hadn't been so angry she could hardly think, the warmth in Judith's eyes encourages her to keep going. Judy's far steadier than she is and Estelle holds on tight to the agreement she's given. She's not wrong, she thinks to herself, finding strength in it. She's not wrong and she's not alone.
"Why can't any of you see?" she continues, voice lowering to something quiet and steely, "What did we ever give him to let him think that he should do anything different? Die now, die later…it's all the same, isn't it? Die by Alexei or die by you, what's the difference? And even with all that—even with all that, he's still here. And even afterwards, what chances did he get? You say that he hasn't proven that he's changed? You're so determined to make him the villain that why should he even bother? But he still does and he deals with all of this, with all of the digs and barbs and apathy, day after day after day after day and no one cares. What does it matter to you if he works his blastia too hard, what's it matter to you if he dies for you? After all," she spits as her vision blurs with angry tears that she can't quite keep back, "He was only trying to save his own life when it came down to it. There was nothing to get out of it, no matter what he did; what did any of us ever do for him to make him want to stay?"
Spirits, she's so ashamed of herself.
"No one cares and I'm not going to let you do it anymore. I won't. I won't, I won't, I won't."
Because Estelle cares and that's never going to change.
All Yuri can do is stare. Stare and open and close his mouth like a fish out of water because he's trying to get air and he's trying to speak, but his body doesn't remember how to do that at the moment. The first smack Estelle gave him to his chest pushed all the air out of his lungs and the second one made his heart skip a beat. Her hand is still pressed up to him, her fingers not so delicately grabbing at his shirt and pulling.
Yuri starts to shake his head and Estelle's hand suddenly drops from his chest and her green eyes stare at him so hard and so knowingly that he freezes.
She's right, of course. They weren't ever very nice to him, ever, and no, they never thanked him and no, they never gave him any reasons to stay, but that is because they didn't want him to stay. Or so he thought. When Raven first joined their group in the forest of Keiv Moc they knew he was just spying on them. They didn't think it was going to last very long and that, after a short period of having to tolerate his perky, whimsical presence, he would be out of their hair.
And then he stayed and they still knew he was just tagging along to spy and do his shady work; they didn't realize who had actually assigned the work, but what did that matter? Raven wasn't there because he wanted to help them; he was there because he had to be, because he had work that needed to get done.
Then he completed his job and he dared to show up again. At the time Yuri didn't know if Raven was genuinely trying to make up for what he had done or whether the man just didn't know where else to go and when he threw his dagger at his feet, something inside Yuri hesitated. So he tossed the dagger back and said that Raven wasn't allowed to die until Yuri said it was okay.
Raven seemed pretty okay with that. Maybe it's because he's used to his life being in someone else's hands and maybe it's because Raven knows that if he should stray again, Yuri will not hesitate to do what needs to be done, but despite all that Yuri could not, cannot find it in himself to forgive the old man. Not yet. Not with so many questions left unanswered. Not with so much that needs to be made up for.
Yuri hates not knowing anything about Raven. He hates not knowing the reasoning behind his actions and he hates that he knows he'll probably never find out what the old man's thinking. That makes him a danger and untrustworthy. End of story. How do you trust someone who's as readable as a brick wall?
Maybe Yuri just hates the fact that he can't read Raven. He always thought he was a pretty good judge of character; he could tell where people came from and what they were intending to do, but Raven… no he was entirely blank and that scares Yuri. He just can't trust what he can't see.
Suddenly, it clicks. Whatever had happened with Raven last night has to do with Estelle. Something had happened before he came out for his watch. Something big. But that didn't matter right now; right now Yuri just wants Estelle to stop yelling, to stop crying. He'll deal with Raven later. Oh, he's going to deal with him.
Later.
"Estelle-" Yuri doesn't know what to say because, really, what the hell do you say after all that? He stops shouting and lets his voice return to his normal level. "It's not that I don't care." Because really, it's not. If Yuri has to be honest with himself, he knows that he too became somewhat attached to Raven, despite how much he hates to admit it. It's easy to be angry on behalf of others than admit than it was to admit feeling betrayal too. "It's just… I-"
"Don't want to admit that maybe the way you acted towards him had something to do with why he kidnapped me?" Estelle finishes for him.
"Estelle's right, Yuri." Karol's voice is soft and sad, so sad as he looks up at his friend. "She's right and you know it. We all knew it; we just didn't want to admit it."
Rita's hand flies through the air as she whaps Karol in the back of the neck. She hates it when other people speak for her. They don't know how she feels about anything. "Oh get real! Why would we give him a chance like that when he's never proven that he's worthy of that chance?"
Judy lets out a small sigh and Yuri can't help but think that maybe even Judy, serene, tranquil Judy, is also losing her temper. "All of us have needed to prove something to each other, Rita; that's part of being in a group like this."
"That still doesn't mean everyone deserves that chance."
"How is he supposed to prove something to you when you won't give him the chance to prove it?" Karol's cheeks flush red as he steps away from Raven, dropping his supporting hand causing the older man to waver on his feet a second before finding his center. Karol's fists ball up at his sides as he looks straight up at Rita. "If he needs a reason to be nice to us but we don't give him a reason because you need proof that you wouldn't accept even if you gave him a chance to prove it, then we're stuck in this stupid endless cycle and it's never going to end!"
"That doesn't even make any sense!"
"Yes, it does. You gave me a chance didn't you?! You gave me a dozen chances! I… I wasn't reliable when we first started traveling together, but you let me prove that I had something different in me, why is he any different?"
"Because he kidnapped Estelle. He didn't run away from a stupid monster; he treated Estelle like a bargaining chip just so he could go on lying and deceiving people!"
"And I ran away to save my own life!" Karol's hand drops to his bag where his fist curls around the blastia on the on the front flap. "I can't believe I'm hearing this from you anyway. You treat blastia nicer than you treat people. I don't think you have any right to judge a person when you've isolated yourself from them to commune with…with stupid rocks!"
"Don't you dare," A magic circle appears under Rita's feet. "You have no right to tell me how to treat others!"
Estelle takes a step away from Yuri and towards Rita, planting her feet firmly in her casting circle. Green eyes widen and Rita's spell sputters out like water on flame.
"What are you doing? I could have hurt you!" she grits out between her teeth, wild-eyed and furious.
"Says the girl who has to hit people instead of admitting she has human feelings just like every other human being on this planet," Estelle bites out in response before Raven has a chance to say a word. Not that he will, his face says plainly. She's not sure whether it's because he believes it or because he knows it won't do any good, and she's not sure which is worse. That both are true makes the sick feeling in her stomach roll over and clench. "What gives you the right to say anything? You've left bruises on the people you call your friends and I've seen them and I've healed them, and I've never said anything about it before, but that's just—Don't talk about him like you have a clue, because you don't. Don't talk about him when you do just as much damage without even thinking about who it is that you hurt. You're not blameless at all and if anyone here has any right to tell you how to treat others, it's Karol."
Rita flinches like she's the one who's just been hurt and behind her, something tight in Karol uncoils like a loosened spring.
"You hit him. You yell at him. You've shot him with fireballs ," Estelle lists off and can't make herself care that she's saying all these hurtful things. All these hurtful things that are so truthful they burn. "And you'd rather covet a crystal than someone who sleeps a tent away from you, who heals you when you're hurt and who tries so hard and—and you need to stop. You need to stop."
"B-be quiet! You don't know what you're talking about!"
"Don't yell at her!" Karol snarls and Rita rakes her hands through her hair, vibrating and angry and on edge.
"I can't even believe this! This isn't even about you! It's about the geezer! Should have done what you ought to when you had the chance, Yuri. Pathetic!"
Yuri snaps his head at Rita, his teeth gritting together. "You make it sound like taking a life is easy!"
"Oh and you'd know, wouldn't you? You've killed…you've murdered people!"
And Yuri stands stunned in place, unable to stop the trembling in his muscles. "That… that was-"
"Different?" Karol cuts in now. "How? I've been thinking about this Yuri, we say our guild punishes the unjust. Raven was unjust, wasn't he? Just like you've been."
"Not like Ragoe or Cumore!" Yuri can't believe this; now it sounds like he's defending Raven. Why is he trying to defend himself? Why should he have to defend himself in this situation? Maybe his ideals were more skewed than he thought. But that doesn't mean he needs to be backed into a corner by people he thought were behind him.
"Maybe," Judy interjects by raising her voice just enough to break through the yells. "Maybe none of us have any right to judge each other?"
Yuri suddenly laughs. Laughs. "Sure, says a barely justified terrorist."
"Yuri!"
"What?!" Yuri whirls around to realize that Estelle is the one that called his name and he can't stop himself. The words fly out of his mouth and he knows it's wrong; so wrong, but caution blew away on the wind the minute Estelle started bleeding and now…now it was all or nothing. "Don't say it, Estelle! Don't say we don't know what you know or how you feel. Of course we don't'! You never tell us! You-" He shakes his head and turns his body back to completely face her. "You went through hell and then acted as if everything was fine. It's not, you're not, and we're not and you know it!
"We aren't stupid! So call me a liar and a murderer, but you've lied too. To all of us and it's all because of him!" Yuri points at Raven again. "Maybe he's not the reason for everything that's wrong with this group, but what he did to you…I don't understand how you can run in front of him and spill your blood for him when he's the one that's turned you into a locked box! I just…can't!"
There's no more stoicism, just tears and anger and hurt. It seems like an endless argument that will just keeping going in circles. "So he wronged me because I wronged him and he wronged you so you wrong him and now I'm wronging you and we've all wronged each other and we'll keep wronging each other because we're human! We aren't perfect and we make mistakes and we…we break."
Raven's been broken. Yuri, Judy, Rita, Karol…they've all been broken before. And Estelle has. Estelle is.
It's funny, but that's what it takes to bring everything to a grinding halt.
Everything that Estelle was going to say turns to dust in her mouth and she freezes like she's been punched in the gut, staring wide-eyed in a combination of horror and grief at everything around her. The words sink in –harsh, awful, and true- and all she can do is take them, dragging in a shuddering breath because if she doesn't breathe, she'll be the one on the ground.
Everything's in pieces.
Everything's broken.
Everything, including herself.
"I know," she finally forces out, more of a whisper than anything else, "I know." She knows she's a liar. She knows she's broken. She knows that she's been holding back. She knows that she's been hurting and now she's hurting others and she knows that she doesn't want to be standing here feeling like she's been shredded by claws of her own making.
That breath becomes something dangerously close to a sob.
"You're—you're—" her voice breaks, "You're wrong. You're right. But you're wrong." Shaking hands clench in darkened fabric. "I'm a liar but it's not because of him." She's a liar because she's sure that if anyone knows those dark parts of her, they'll hate her for them. She's a liar because she can't even face what keeps her up at night, much less put it on anyone else. "Yuri, if you knew…" If he knew the things she knew, the things she was afraid of, he'd definitely hate her. The very idea of talking about those things is enough to take her air away, make her freeze up and make her heart race like some frightened thing.
"I never called you a murderer," she whispers, "Or a liar."
Estelle doesn't even have a clue of how this even happened, about how it became this sort of horrible free for all, but she has enough of one and she digs in like a lioness, all teeth and claws and sharp edges. The cornered cat becomes a lion, she thinks dizzily, feeling out of control and lightheaded, feeling everything and nothing and everything. She's never felt like this before and she knows that she's never so much as raised her voice to anyone like this before. She knows that she's never gone off on Yuri like this, and she knows that now she's hurt him too. She's hurt everyone.
But…
They have to understand. Somehow, in some way. She knows she can't be the one to tell his story, but she'll be damned if anyone thinks for one second that she won't be in this man's corner for any reason other than that she chose to be and that's more powerful than any excuse she can give.
Estelle can't look anyone in the eyes and she wishes that her healing didn't just work on the body. They're a mess, of all them, and she can't even look up.
"He's either ours or he's not and if he's not, you should have killed him." The words hurt because as she says them, she can't help but picture the alternative to this, where there wouldn't even be a chance to have a conversation. It almost happened. "He's ours, Yuri."
People should protect those that they claim.
Estelle grits her teeth and she's suddenly aware that she's crying and crying hard, tears mixing with blood, and she wrenches off her gloves to wipe ferociously at her face.
With her left hand, the arm that had gotten run through. There's no pain and Estelle remembers a whisper of a touch that seems so long ago, a touch that took the pain away, a touch that she should have noticed and acknowledged. Going abruptly quiet, Estelle gives the area a cursory swipe and finds exactly what she suspected:
Nothing.
Underneath the blood is nothing but unblemished skin without even a scar to show for it.
She can't stop.
Estelle can't quite keep back the stuttering breath that's definitely a sob, and the hot and cold flows out of her like air from a balloon. It's a different cold now, a sadness and shame so potent that she'd rather be angry, that makes her shoulders haunch and makes her curl in on herself right there on her feet. She's not sure whether she's trying to protect herself or hide. Maybe both.
"He's made mistakes," There's that noise again, that awful noise if weakness that she can't stand, "I'm not trying to—to ignore them, or defend them, or pretend they didn't happen, because they did, and—and—" And she still hurts over those mistakes when she doesn't have anything else to think about, remembers pain sharp and mind-blowing and the way it felt to spill Yuri's blood, "But it's over, it's done, can't it be enough?" she whispers, holding her previously injured arm to her chest with a white-knuckled and trembling grip, "Hasn't he paid enough?" He's hurt and hurt and hurt, and she's hurt and hurt and hurt, and Yuri's hurt and hurt and hurt too. They all have. And it's enough. It has to be enough because if it's not, she doesn't know what she can do to make it be enough.
Because she knows like she knows the rising of the sun that as long as Raven pays, Yuri pays. And they've both paid their share.
Yuri can't take it anymore; even though Estelle's openly sobbing and even though her voice says she's reached the end of her rope he can't stop himself. "What kind of argument is that?! That old bastard will never pay enough for what he's done! He's a liar and a cheat and he only ever thinks about himself! Ever since we've known him he's used us and spied no us and lied to us. He kidnapped you, Estelle, kidnapped you knowing full well what Alexei was going to do with you and then he tried to kill us! And that's not where it ends; it's not like he's only done wrong against us! What about all the other people out there? He was a knight; a respected captain and it was all some…some disguise! It was the same thing with the guilds; he didn't deserve to be so close to the Don, not when it was nothing but a façade-"
"That's enough!"