How To Successfully Shut Up Remus Lupin

One-shot

"Really guys! I'm severely disappointed in you! I thought we were above this! I thought we had planned on using the marauder name for good! And yet, you still find it amusing to prank Severus! That poor bloke is in hospital having his skin dyed and his nose shrunk! The shrinking might not even work! He could be stuck with a long wonky nose for the rest of his life! Can you imagine that! It's horrendous! Worse than James's giant snozzer thatzzzz for surezzz!" Remus was ranting. It was one of hs longer lectures as they had caused 'potential body harm to another human being'

Pfft! If anything the nose made him look better.

Plus it as slightly funny seeing Remus's (fucking gorgeous!) face contort in fury and making him so angry that his slight French accent came out and his 'S's became 'Z's.

Lily (head girl) stood beside him, arm crossed and her lips pursed in a way that made her look like an estranged ginger eagle that hadn't eaten in several weeks. Of course, Sirius didn't tell her this, there was parts of his anatomy he would like keep, and he has bets that Remus wouldn't be to pleased with his random sex-change.

"Of courzzes youz vill nevver get avay vith this. Oh l'enfer non! Vous êtes en Difficulté nig! Rogue aurait pu mourir si il est allé mal-Fuck am I speakingz French?" Remus berated himself, half focusing on his slip of the tongue and half focussing on the messers in front of him.

James sighed, as much as he hated to admit it, he had transfiguration homework to do and he really couldn't be bothered with one of Remus's lectures when he knew he would get (another) detention on top of the 12 he already had.

He scooted closer to Sirius thinking about his earlier conversation with Moony, WHO had conspicuously not noticed said movement as he was busy listening to Lily compliment him on his (quite sexy) fluent French.

"Sirius!" He hissed, trying to gain the attention of the lovesick puppy who was gazing at Moony with rapt attention and an ice-pack on his forehead

.
"Pssst! Sirius! Oi Pads you great oaf, I'm talking to you Prat!" James said, finally gaining the attention of previous mentioned 'lovesick puppy' who ,according to James, was a great 'oaf'. I find Sirius rather skinny and dashing rather than an oaf but of course:

I digress.

"What?" Sirius grumbled, reluctantly turning his head away from the rambling French werewolf.

"Can you shut Remus up?" James asked, praying inside that he could.

"Of course I can!" Sirius said incredulously, of course he could shut his boyfriend up! He wasn't a boyfriend if be couldn't shut him up.

"Will it make you shag like rabbits in the common room?"

So Sirius can't shut up his boyfriend then.

"Er...maybe?"

"Is there any other way!" James cried dramatically, sounding like something from finding Nemo. A rather good film if you ask me. Excellent plot-

I digress. Again. Boy, you should just get used to it by now.

"Well, there is one way that doesn't include us shagging like rabbits?" Sirius offered quietly, holding his hands up as if to balance out the choices.

"I-I don't care. Just do it!" James huffed uncertainly, Sirius was a horny bastard. There's no knowing what he'll do.

"It's quite Ironic you know? Because he's so quiet in bed, apart from his moans which are, the sexiest shit ever! Like fuck, I can become undone with just one of them. Seriously." Padfoot smirked, obviously knowing James next reaction.

He threw up.

Which broke Remus from his current infliction of their 'wrongdoings' and making him run over to help.

"Merlin James! You alright?" He asked worriedly, staying a clear distance from the vomit.

"M'fine." James said, before laying face down in his vomit.

Yikes.

"Ewwwwwwww!-I mean someone call Madame Pomphrey!" Lily called loudly, too staying a distance from vomit. Because really who likes vomit.

When Madame Pomphrey came and went, levitating an unconscious Head boy behind her, Sirius was seen going up to Remus and whispering in his ear "Hey, wanna shag like rabbits?"

Neither was seen for the rest of that night.

The end.

For real this time.

Aw.

Right, shutting up now.

The (actual) end.