Chapter 4 : Home

At some point in the middle of the night Kurt awoke. It wasn't violent, like from a nightmare or a loud noise, but simply from normal sleep patterns. It took him a second to place his surroundings because it was rare that he slept in the back seat of his car, pulled over on the side of the highway. The rain was still coming down, though not as heavy, but the pitter patter on the roof was quite calming and cozy especially against the howling wind that had started at some point after he had fallen asleep. The odd part was that Kurt noticed the rain and the wind before he noticed Blaine and the way his friend's head was tucked against his shoulder, his wild curls tickling his cheek, and a good portion of his body was draped across Kurt's chest. The warm, heavy weight was comforting and although it made the butterflies stir and his heart thump a little faster, after a few moments of the steady breath against his neck, Kurt found that he was being lulled gently back to sleep without once questioning how they ended up in this position or if he should try to untangle himself.

When he awoke the next morning, it was to quite a different sight. The sky was blue and bright and clear and there was a cold absence of Blaine. He spotted Blaine quickly, leaning against the hood of the car and watching the road workers who were pumping the water away. He was impressed at how early they got there thought when he turned around he could see why. There were at least ten semi-trucks lined up behind them waiting for the road to clear and there would no doubt be more coming.

Unfortunately, all that shuffling just made him realize how badly he had to pee and he quickly figured that that's why Blaine was up meaning he should probably shouldn't try to hold it. He threw his flannel button up on over his undershirt before stepping outside.

"Mornin'," Blaine greeted with his signature grin that was truly as bright as the early sun newly freed from behind the clouds.

"Hey. Any suggestions on good a pee spot?"

"Yup," Blaine chuckled with a nod. "The trees just there," he pointed. "Good cover from both sides and there's a bit of a path down to them."

"Fantastic," he replied with a hint of sarcasm. Road side urination was never something he found pleasant.

Blaine seemed to find his disdain amusing though and simply sent him on his way. The spot did have good coverage but he didn't really appreciate the fact that the line of truckers clearly saw him walk down and clearly knew what he was doing and somehow that was more unsettling than using a normal public restroom. His bladder thanked him greatly though and he made it back in one piece and took the spot beside Blaine against the hood.

"Been up long?"

"'Bout forty-five minutes. The road crew woke me up."

"I can drive again if you're tired?"

"No that's fine. I uh, I actually slept p-pretty well," Blaine stuttered.

Kurt couldn't help but notice the way the boy looked down at his feet and his cheek flushed. It was a look that could only be described as bashful and it was odd seeing the look from Blaine. He was always so confident. Even around girls, Blaine always knew just the right thing to say and never seemed flustered. Which made it even stranger that he would make Blaine nervous in some regard but Kurt didn't see any other explanation for the timid behaviour. It reminded him of his reaction the other morning when he had awoken on the couch to discover that he had been using Blaine as a body pillow. He couldn't help his some facet of his mind from going there. It was a dangerous place but it wasn't that farfetched to assume that similar behaviour came from a similar emotion. He could simply let it go but for some reason he was feeling brave that morning. He had after all, just peed by the side of the road.

"You okay?"

"What? Oh, n-no. No. I'm fine."

"Well that was convincing," Kurt replied sarcastically, giving Blaine a playful nudge. Blaine smiled but didn't seem to really know how to respond. "If you're worried about the cuddling, don't be. It wouldn't be the first time."

"Oh. So you know about that?"

"Woke up in the night."

"Sorry."

"Why?"

"What?"

"Why are you sorry? I mean I fell asleep on you on the couch and you didn't seem to mind so why do you think that I'll mind?"

"Oh, uh… I don't know," Blaine muttered quickly. "I guess I just said it."

"You sure? You've just seemed a little jumpy and I just want to make sure I'm not the cause of it."

"N-no, no! It's not you," Blaine assured adamantly, finally turning to look at Kurt again. "I promise. It's just me or….this whole thing. I don't know."

"It's scary isn't it?" Kurt was still unsure of Blaine's answer. He seemed sincere but there was something that still didn't quite sit right. Kurt wondered if maybe he was projecting too much of his own feelings on what he saw in Blaine and so he decided to believe him for now. There was a lot of other things going on, very serious, scary things. Blaine's nod seemed to implicate his agreement. "He's just….he's gone. And he was an ass hole and all but he was also really smart and athletic and driven….and now…"

"It's just gone. All of it – him. Do you ever think that maybe he wasn't really an ass hole? Like maybe it was a cover for what was actually going on."

"Yes," he nodded. That was something Kurt thought about a lot. Back in college, if he was in a good enough mood that Sebastian's comments could simply slide off his back, he always questioned the motive behind the words. He knew well of the torture that came with growing up in a small, close minded town, never mind a country that continuously tore into something that was just so fundamentally a part of him. He knew what it was like to hide that part of himself and live in fear of it despite the fact that in most people, normal people, it was considered beautiful and something to cherish. It was all incredibly lonely and isolating and degrading in a way that made it impossible to get out of bed on some mornings and even on those days where it was manageable, he was never fully there. Part of him was always left behind, leaving him feeling vulnerable and incomplete. He wasn't really living. He was simply going through the monotonous and agonizing motions because his irregular heart beat just didn't fit the beaten path that had been carved without any logical or compassionate thought.

He, at least, had Blaine and although his friend didn't necessarily know about or have this cardiovascular condition, Blaine had always been able to march to its rhythm. Blaine was good at coaxing him out of bed, even the parts that rarely saw the world beyond the covers. He was good at patching those missing holes and injecting a little life back into him without so much as even knowing he was doing so. That's just who Blaine was and who he was to Kurt.

As far as Kurt knew, Sebastian didn't have anyone. In fact, Kurt was probably the closest person he had to a Blaine. That was a scary thought. Kurt had never cared about Sebastian the way Blaine cared for him. He never took the time to get to know him, his quirks, his favorite shows, movies, books, bands, his coffee order. Kurt couldn't even remember what Sebastian had majored in. He didn't think he ever knew. And it was those things, those little things that although didn't fix everything, kept him from shutting down completely and building up a robotic like armour to simply close out the world that seemed so keen on tearing him down.

This realization seemed to hit him fast and hard and before he could stop them, tears were running down his cheeks.

"Kurt?" Blaine sought tentatively. "Oh, hey. It's gonna be okay. It'll be okay," he soothed, pulling him into a hug.

"No," he shook his head, where it was buried in Blaine shoulder. "It won't. It could've, if I had just…"

"Just what? Kurt, you didn't cause this. This isn't your fault," Blaine stated softly but with a conviction to his voice. "This isn't your fault."

Kurt just shook his head and held tighter. He couldn't believe Blaine's words when Blaine was speaking from the room beyond the dark and confined closet that had seemingly trapped both he and Sebastian and their relationship. It's not that Blaine was lying or exaggerating, he just was just speaking from his own truth where Kurt barely spoke two words to Sebastian because he justly found Sebastian to be an asshole and so he most certainly had no idea what had caused him unbearable pain and therefore couldn't have helped. There were several times in Kurt's life where he had wanted to live in that room and the world beyond the relentlessly solid door. It used to be that he wanted to be straight and normal like everyone else but it had evolved into wanting to live his life honestly and in the open. Now though, the sudden flood of guilt made him long to simply live in that blissful unawareness and to not be burdened with all the dark that lingered in the back corners.

"Shh, here, come on, let's go sit in the car."

He didn't really want to let go of Blaine but drawing an audience seemed worse so Kurt allowed himself to be led around to the passenger side where Blaine opened the door for him and helped him in. He followed Blaine's outline, blurred through his tears, as he jogged around to the driver's side. He go as far as to say that it was a lens he was used to seeing Blaine through but of all the people in his life, besides maybe his mother, his best friend was the one he was most familiar looking at through his own tears because he was the only one Kurt felt comfortable enough crying in front of.

He should have listened to his dad. His dad had sensed that his mind had been elsewhere and had given him an out but for some stupid reason he had refused to show weakness. He had to be brave. He had to be strong. He had needed to be those things ever since his mom died. He had promised her and he could see that his dad had had a tough time and so he couldn't add to his stress and grief by acknowledging his own. Recently though, Kurt had begun to notice that it wasn't just his dad that he needed to act tough around.

He had begun to hear whispers and snickers behind him during class and anonymous shouts from across the school yard and lunch. He tried not to pay attention to it but it was hard and sometimes he felt the need to hide away all the things that made the boys at the back of the class think he was a sissy. Telling his dad or a teacher about the bullying would make him just that though so it quickly became just one more thing he had to bottle up and the pressure building up inside was getting too great. His dad was beginning to notice something was off and when the latest unit's math test landed on the four year anniversary of his mother's death, his dad had offered to let him stay home.

Kurt had to be tough though and so he refused to take the easy way out but he was gravely regretting his decision now. It was like his whole body was shaking. His leg was twitching up and down, his couldn't keep his pencil moving in a straight line, even his brain seemed to be scrambling all the numbers on the page. The overwhelming loud sound of furious scrawls and the whooshing of paper signaled that everyone around him, even the dumb kids, had already finished the first page and wasn't even half way. It didn't take long for him to realize that he was going to fail the test. He could feel the tears welling up in his eyes. He had never failed anything. He couldn't cry though. That would just make everything worse and he bit down hard on the inside of his cheek and tried to focus. He ignored the salty tang of iron on his tongue as his teeth ground through the first layer of skin and kept forcing them further. Panic began setting in when the tears did not go away like they usually did when he chewed up the inside of his mouth. His breathing was suddenly erratic and yet his lungs felt starved for oxygen and if his head wasn't spinning before, it certainly was now.

"Kurt?" he distantly heard Blaine whisper in concern beside him.

"No talking, boys," the teacher automatically responded before she actually took in the situation. "Kurt are you okay?"

"I think he's having a panic attack."

"Okay, okay. Everyone stay in your seats. Blaine, can you help me take him to the nurse?"

Everything seemed so far away. He could feel both Blaine's and Mrs. Davies' arms supporting him and guiding him, as well as a cool breeze from paper being fanned in his face but that all felt like it was miles away or like he was watching it all happen from somewhere outside his body. From this vantage point it was a truly pathetic scene. A simple grade seven math test had made the scrawny little boy at the front of the class lose his mind completely and he now had to have his friend and his teacher support his weight as they carded him off to the nurse, the safe haven for sissies.

Mrs. Davies went back to the classroom as soon as he was settled in the nurse's room and insisted that Blaine go with her. At the time Kurt didn't really know how he felt about being separated from his friend. He didn't want to appear weak in front of Blaine but he knew Blaine had never thought of him like that before. It wasn't until Blaine came to check on him during the break between classes that Kurt really realized how much he needed his friend.

"Knock knock. How're doing?" Blaine asked cautiously.

"Alright," he mumbled looking at his shoes. "It's just been a tough day."

Blaine nodded solemnly, hoping up on the bed to sit next to him. "I don't get why you didn't stay home. I would've."

"Because I don't want to need too," he admitted as tears pooled in his eyes again. He didn't feel the need to hide them this time though.

"You can't choose the things you need."

"I know," he choked, nodding in agreement in case his words had been indecipherable.

"Is your dad coming?"

"No. I asked them not to call. He's busy with work. He even said that he would've stayed home today if he could've but they're swamped."

"You're not going to tell him are you?"

"No. And you're not going to either," he stated defiantly as the first real tears began to run slowly down his cheeks. Blaine was forming a rather annoying habit of informing his father of things Kurt would have rather kept to himself.

When Blaine didn't respond for a few moments, Kurt finally looked up from his dangling feet without bothering to clear his eyes. He found his friend staring intently back at him. It was like he was looking for something, that something that Kurt had been bottling up inside him for four years.

"Okay," Blaine started hesitantly. "I'll keep quiet but you have to come with me afterschool to visit her."

"What?"

"You know exactly what."

"Blaine. Y-you don't have to."

"I know but you do," he insisted gently.

"I-I…I can't," Kurt stuttered as the pressure suddenly began leaking out the hole Blaine had borne. The tears really began to fall then and before he knew what was happening, Blaine's arms were wrapped around him and his face was buried Blaine's shoulder where his navy blue polo shirt absorbed each tear willingly, without protest.

He quickly found himself in the same position once Blaine sat down in the driver's seat and he was extremely grateful for that. He just couldn't be alone right now and although he knew from experience that bottling up guilt and distress was never a good long term solution, Kurt just couldn't see any other option. Maybe once this was over, once they had said goodbye and were back in New York and the turmoil had subsided. Then he wondered though if Blaine would be angry if he confessed after the fact. This did seem like an in in some ways and there was something cruel about pretending to be in the dark and then forcing it all on Blaine later, after some form of order had been returned to the world. The problems of tomorrow though seemed punitive compared to those of today and so as Blaine's comforts eventually began to do their job, Kurt just shook his head and shrugged his shoulders is response to the inevitable questions. His friend seemed to accept it, summing it up to the way he wore his heart on his sleeve and after the water had been drained shortly after noon, they continued down the highway, smiles ready for his father's bear hug greeting at the front door of his childhood home.

"Come'ere, kiddo. It's been way too long," his father jokingly berated as he engulfed him. "Four years! It's been four years and you promised to be home every Christmas."

"I know," Kurt replied sheepishly as he pulled away somewhat reluctantly. He was a little surprised at how good his father's arms felt around him. They had never been particularly close but maybe that didn't matter as much as he thought it did. "Sorry. It's just been hectic with work and auditions and all."

"Yeah, yeah, that's what you always say. And you," Burt continued turning to Blaine, "You were supposed to make him come visit."

"I know, sir. I've tried, I swear but you know Kurt. He's a stubborn one."

"It's Burt, kid and yes, I know far too well of his stubbornness," Burt corrected, shooting Kurt a pointed look before giving Blaine a quick hug. "I'm not going to accept that next time though so either get thinking or get on a plane. Your choice," he chuckled helping them bring their bags inside. "I've been at the shop all day so I haven't had time to set the couch up but I know we got blankets and stuff somewhere and dinner's just a phone call away."

"Pizza?" Kurt asked heading to the kitchen to grab the menu off the fridge.

"Sure."

"Whatever you kids want."

After placing the order, Kurt wandered into the living room to a familiar scene. The game was on and his dad was sitting in his recliner with a beer. It was nice to see that some things never changed.

"Blaine just hoped in the shower real quick," his dad informed

Kurt hummed in response and took a seat on the couch. "Pizza'll be twenty minutes."

"Sounds good…. How you boy's doin' with all this?"

"Okay," Kurt lied with shrug. "It's awful and all but we hadn't seen him in years and he was kinda an ass hole."

"Yeah, I remember you complainin' 'bout him. It's nice of you to come all this way for the funeral when you didn't like the kid."

The statement was laden with not so subtle questions but Kurt chose to ignore those and simply nod instead.

"If you want to talk about it, I'm always here," his father continued, seemingly able to see right through his nonchalance. "I know it can be hard to talk to your buddies about this stuff. When, uh, you know, when your mom passed it, uh… It's just not conversation for the game or the pub and that was hard sometimes. Now you know I'm no stranger to death and I know this situation is a bit different from your mom but I'll still be here to listen and help where I can."

"Thanks, dad," Kurt answered with an equal sincerity in which his father had spoken.

It was odd. In that moment, above many others that had occurred over his twenty five year life, Kurt had felt the strongest urge to come out. He knew this side of his father existed, the warm, compassionate, willing to dig into the hard topics side, but he rarely saw it and so when he did, his survival instincts told him to take full advantage of it.

"Hey, kiddo! How was school?" he heard his dad call from the kitchen. He cursed lightly under his breath at the fact that he was home and not at the shop. It would be too hard to hide now.

"H-hi," he answered back, rushing upstairs and pulling Blaine by the hand behind him.

"Hi, Blaine," his dad called, clearly hearing the multiple footsteps on the stairs. "You boys want a snack? I bought chips."

Kurt felt himself begin to panic. He didn't want a snack because a snack meant his father would bring it to them and see the carnage. Blaine must have noticed the frantic eyes and quickened breath because he quickly stepped in. "No thanks, Mr. Hummel. We grabbed coffee after school."

"Thanks," Kurt whispered, letting out a relieved breath when his dad seemed to buy Blaine's excuse.

"No problem," his friend whispered back, giving his hand a little squeeze and taking over the leading, shutting Kurt's bedroom door tight behind them once they were safely inside. "What now?"

"You need new clothes. We'll just let them soak in the sink until I can sneak down and throw them in the wash. Hopefully they'll be salvageable 'cause I like that shirt on you."

"Well you should. You're the one who picked it out after all," Blaine chuckled with a playful nudge.

Kurt smiled back, a hint of a blush creeping up his cheeks. The lightened mood didn't last long though when the rapidly forming bruise on his cheek began to throb. He didn't even want to imagine what it looked like.

"You might want to sneak down there fast and get an ice pack. That looks really awful, Kurt," Blaine said softly as he stepped in a little closer and gently peeled his hand away from where he was holding his cheek so he could get a better look. "I don't get why you said anything. They would have left."

"I don't get why you jumped in front of me. You would've saved your shirt."

"Hey, you said it wasn't a lost cause yet," Blaine replied with a phoney pout before stepping back a pulling his shirt over his head. "Bathroom sink? Hot or cold?"

"Uh, y-yeah. Cold," he stuttered at the sudden display of toned, tanned skin. "I'll grab you a new one."

He had to dig a bit to find a shirt that would fit. Blaine's shoulders had filled quite a bit in the past few years. It also had to be something that his dad would believe to be Blaine's so he wouldn't ask questions.

"Here," Blaine offered, holding out a damp wash cloth and pressing it gently to Kurt's cheek. "Just until we can get the ice."

He had managed to find a shirt but couldn't bring himself to hand it over because that would mean Blaine would have to step away in order to put it on. He didn't want Blaine to step away. He wanted Blaine close like this, always, taking care of him, tending carefully to his battle wounds after braving the trenches together. It all seemed worth it if it could end like this.

Of course it couldn't end like this though. Blaine's soft gaze was from concern not love and apparently, his father hadn't bought their story of full stomachs and busted unsuspectedly into his room and the moment Kurt never wanted to end.

"Dad! Oh my god, have you never heard of knocking," he shouted, jumping away from Blaine in panic, suddenly more afraid of his dad noticing the way he looked at his best friend than the way his face currently looked.

"Oh, s-sorry, sorry. I just remembered being a growing bo – Hell, Kurt! What happened?"

"Nothing," he mumbled, turning his gaze to the floor.

"Nothing my ass. Someone took out your cheek bone and gave you a bloody nose. Who?"

"Forgot about the nose," he huffed. "Just jerks at school. It's really nothing, dad."

"Why?"

"I was dumb."

"No, you were brave," Blaine spoke up.

"No, you were brave," he corrected.

"Yeah, where were you while they were beatin' up my kid," his dad bit at Blaine.

"Dad! You don't even know what happened!"

"That's 'cause no one'll tell me."

"They were going to throw slushies at me, okay! Happy now?" he shouted, hating himself for having to admit to his father what a loser and a freak he really was. "Blaine saw and jumped in front." A loser, freak who couldn't even look out for himself and needed a hero.

"The sugar got in my eye and burned pretty bad. I couldn't really see or do anything. Kurt just started yelling at them and one of the guys just lost it and…" Blaine trailed off gesturing to Kurt's battered face. "I'll uh, I'll just go throw my shirt in the wash."

Kurt couldn't stop the tears forming in his eyes. He didn't want Blaine to leave. He didn't want to be alone with his father and that look of pure confusion and frustration that appeared whenever his dad was faced with the fact that his son wasn't like him. Apparently his dad didn't want to deal with it either as he quickly excused himself under the pretence of fetching an ice pack. The relief was short lived however. Once alone, safe from judgmental stares and impossibly frightening questions pointed at the demons he rather not face, the sheer loneliness of the situation struck him. He would forever be the lone target of others ignorance. Blaine was only subjected to the cruelty out of choice. He chose to step in and be the hero while Kurt could never find a way out of being the victim. In times like these they could tend to their wounds together but they would never truly be together, he'd never be able to find true solace in their conversation because Blaine's were noble battle scars, worthy of a purple heart, while his were shameful reminders that he was not worthy of the status of human being. His dad would nod proudly at Blaine but stare appalled at him.

"Jesus, kid," his dad mumbled as he returned and handed him the ice pack. "Are you sure everything's intact?"

"Yeah," Kurt mumbled back, wincing slightly as he placed the ice pack on his cheek.

"I don't get why you tried to hide this."

"I don't know," he lied with a shrug.

"You're gonna haf'ta do better than that." When Kurt made no effort to respond his dad continued, "See, 'cause from where I stand, you have nothin' to hide. You stood up for your friend and for yourself and yeah, in light of the physical ramifications, that might not have been the wisest thing to do but it was definitely the bravest. I know Blaine greatly appreciates it even if he doesn't encourage a repeat in the future. You're a good friend to him, you know. With his parents away all the time and all, I'm sure it's nice for him to have someone he can count on. You should be proud of yourself. I know I'm proud of you."

Kurt looked up at his father for the first time since he had re-entered his room. That was the last thing he expected to hear from his dad, especially right now.

"I am, Kurt," his father reassured since the look on his own face must have been some form of shock. "I am extremely proud of you. I know your mother would be too. She would tell you more often as well. Guess I've never been good at this sorta thing but just know that those kids, the ones that did this to you, are the ones who are wrong. Not you. So you have nothing to hide, okay?" he asked pointedly.

"Okay," Kurt nodded, his voice quieted by the surprise and the comfort that had come from his father's word.

And he thought about it then. The support he had just been given made the burden that held been carrying for so long seem lighter and floated it up towards the surface with ease from depths where it had been buried for so long. And his dad was just standing there, almost waiting for it.

He didn't though and he wasn't really sure why, maybe it was because Blaine was just downstairs and that seemed just a little too close for this or maybe it was because it all just seemed easy, the turnaround had just been so fast, almost too fast to be real. And so he just swallowed hard, repressing everything that had made its way prematurely to the surface and thanked his dad before going to go find Blaine.

This wasn't just coming out though. This was admitting to having had a seedy affair with a boy he hated. This was admitting to knowing someone else's secret and interacting with them for years in a destructive manner that just fed the pain that drove him to the edge. This was admitting to using someone while completely ignoring any of their cries for help. This was just something much bigger than finally telling someone other than Sebastian that he was gay and so he just couldn't bring himself to say it.

"I'll uh, I'll keep it in mind."

"Sure, kiddo. Whatever you want."

A/N: hey guys! I hoped you liked chapter 4. Just thought I'd let you now that I'm going on vacation this week so I might not be able to respond to reviews right away (nebula2, this is really just for you since nobody else seems to be enjoying this) but I'd still love the here your thoughts

-Katie