Author's note: Okay, okay. I am sorry that I haven't updated for months and months! No, I'm really, really sorry I haven't updated for months and months. Did everyone have a good holiday season? New years? I'm not even going to give excuses; I'm just going to apologize over and over again and grovel at everyone's feet.
Once again I find myself saying thank you to my readers who have been loyal. Thanks a million guys! I especially would like to thank xanadu, vampiric.princess, Guardianofthesparrow and Kristine. Thank you guys so much! I hope you aren't too disappointed with this chapter! I'll update soon (I promise!). Thanks again for reading! LA
Almost immeditly Buffy pulled away from Xander.
"What's wrong?" Xander asked patting Buffy's hair.
Buffy stood up and looked at Xander with a confused expression. "Xander what was that?"
"What was what?"
"The kiss! Why would you kiss me?"
Xander's big brown eyes found their way to Buffy's. His star got lost in her green eyes. "Buffy, I love you."
"What? Xander, do you know what you are saying?"
"Yes I do. I love you."
"Xander Harris, what is bring this on?"
Xander sighed. He had thought of this moment for sometime and had prepared his response. At that moment, Xander forgot everything he had been rehersing in his head. "Buffy, I love you. I am sick and tired of delievering Angel's messages for him. Why should I do that? I feel the same way. I'm sick and tired of being the messanger for him."
Buffy looked at her friend for a moment. Xander was her friend. "Xander, are you saying this because of everything with Anya?"
"What? How could you suggest such a thing? Buffy, I know how I feel!"
"I don't doubt you do Xander, it's just you are going through a lot right now. Anya miscarring and then leaving, that's not easy to go through."
Xander very matter-a fact looked at Buffy. "Yeah, it is hard to get over things with her but Buffy, even when I was with her I found myself thinking about you. Buffy, I know how I feel."
This is too much, Buffy thought to herself. She thought that first she and Dawn met the other side of the Summer's family, which was very emotional. Even though she had learned to except Hank Summers and she wasn't crazy for him as a person, it was difficult to see him in the state that he was in. He was so weak and thin. She thought to herself all day that it would be only a matter of time before he left this earth.
One the way back to her dorm, she and Dawn had talkd about their family history for a bit. She was on emotional overlaod. She couldn't handle one of the people who she ran to for support saying that he loved her. "Xander, I'm sorry but I'm very tired. I really can't take this in right now. I need sometime to really digest what you are telling me. I can't think right now"
Xander nodded. He knew that she had a stressful day. He wanted to hold her and listen to her tell him everything about it. She wanted to be there for her in other ways than a friend. He thought that would just have to wait. Buffy would come come around to her scenses after she rested.
"I'm leaving but if you need anything Buf, let me know."
Buffy nodded dumbfoundily. She didn't understand what was going on. Her head hurt too much to even think about anything. As she watched Xander pull out of the parking lot and speed down the street, she saw Tara and Dawn walking back with their ice cream. Her evening of relaxation could finally begin.
The clock read ten-fifteen am. Buffy, Tara and Dawn were watching movies all night long. They didn't get to bed until well after three in the morning. Then she couldn't really sleep. She was up thinking about Hank and then thinking about Xander.
Twenty minutes later, she finally got out of bed. She slipped on her robe and walked over to see if Dawn was still sleeping, which she was. She made her way to the living area and saw Tara at the door with flowers. Buffy smiled. "Who are they from? They are pretty."
"Actually I was signing them for you."
Buffy walked over to Tara and took the little card off the flowers. She began to read the card out loud:
Buffy,
Sorry I gave you a headache last night. I've been tryingtowork through things. Last night with you was one of them. I've felt this way for a very long time. I can't help the way I feel. -Xander
"I can't believe him. This is ridiculous." Buffy said.
"What are you talking about? What is Xander talking about?" Tara asked placing the flowers on the end table.
Buffy sighed and then pouted. "Xander is impossible. Do you know what he did last night"
"I thought he came over to ask about your day with your father and the kids."
"No."
"No? Then what was it?"
Buffy began to recap the conversation she had with Xander. She left no detail out. "And now the flowers…this is just annoying now!"
"I have no idea what to say," Tara told her friend.
"I'm gong to give him a few days. I don't even want to think about anything now. Hey," Buffy said changing the subject, "I'm going to Barnes and Noble after I drop Dawn off. I have to get that book for my film and lit class. Do you want to come with?"
"I can't. I have a study group meeting later, but we're on for dinner tonight, right?"
Buffy nodded. Before she had a chance to respond in words, Tara spoke again. "Are you talking to Faith today too?"
Again, Buffy nodded. "Yes. She's going to be over my mom's house. This is the first time we have attempted to talk since she found out I was having dinner with Hank. I hope she isn't too mad. Plus I have Dawn in my corner too, so maybe it'll help."
"What do you mean you're going out? I thought you were going to talk to Faith with me?" Buffy scolded her sister as they pulled into the Giles' driveway.
"Buffy I can't. I am babysitting. I told you that even before Faith called mom."
"Dawn, I thought we were doing this talk thing together. She's your sister too. Talk with her with me."
"I'm sorry, I can't Buffy. I promised the Richardsons' that I would baby-sit for them weeks ago." Dawn explained as they entered the house. "If you're going to be mad at anyone be mad at mom, she is arranging this whole meeting."
Buffy and Dawn made small talk with their mother and father. They talked about the kids and Hank and even talked about Michele a little bit. Dawn then, as promised, rushed off to get ready for her evening of babysitting.
Just as Dawn opened the door to leave, Faith stood at the front door. She had her fist up and ready to knock on the door. Dawn let her in as she left to get into Mrs. Richardson's car.
Joyce greeted Faith with hugs. She and Rupert had plans with their friends to go out. They were leaving both Faith and Buffy alone so they could just talk.
After Rupert and Joyce left, silence fell between the two sisters. They both looked uncomfortable. Buffy was the first to break the silence.
"Do you want anything to drink or eat?"
"Actually something to drink would be good. Water would be fine." Faith said quietly.
Buffy returned a few seconds later with a cup of ice water. She sat back down and just looked at Faith. She tried to gather her thoughts together before she talked. ""Oh the last few weeks have been something, uh?"
Faith nodded but remained silent.
"Listen Faith, I'm going to get down to it. I'm sorry that you are upset that I had dinner with Hank. I did it because I wanted to know more. I didn't always want to wonder. Don't you ever want to get the wondering over and done with?"
"I did, until I met him. Now I don't care what he thought. He burnt all of us. You burnt me, Heather, my mom, your mother, you, Dawn. He even burnt Connor and he doesn't even realize it. No I don't wonder about him now. I don't care about someone who hurt me and all of my family. I guess you aren't family figuratively any more. You and me, we're biological, which I think means something."
Buffy was silent for a second before she changed her action. "I understand that but he has two other children Faith. Don't you wonder about them?"
"No. I have my own problems Buffy. My own close family, which seems to be expanding more and more."
"Faith, the kids are great. Your brother and your sister-"
"Half brother and sister," Faith corrected Buffy.
"Whatever, Madeleine and Tommy. They are wonderful children. Tommy plays soccer and is the typical boy. He likes sports and he likes to build things and he likes his video games. He is a beautiful child. Madeleine is a character," she said smiling to herself. "She reminds me so much of Dawn that it is frightening. She is a little diva. She's four. She's-I can't even explain her. You have to meet her for yourself to understand what I mean." Buffy finished as she smiled thinking about her new found siblings.
"I told you, I want nothing to do with Hank or the damn kids. I don't care." Faith said in an almost yelling voice.
"You know Faith, I understand your feelings about Hank, I really do. He screwed over both of us. I think that he really messed up, especially with you and your mom and Heather. There are no words that could ever be said that could make that up and that's not what this is about. I understand that he is the problem, but those kids did nothing wrong. All they know is that they have this whole family which they never knew about. I didn't want to go meet them but you know what? I am so glad that I did. I am so glad I met them. When we were visiting Hank was laying down for almost the entire visit. We didn't have to put up with him.
"Remember how desperately you wanted to know about your father? Think about those kids. Someday they may need to know about you and what, you're going to shut them out because of what their-our father did? It isn't their fault. Plus I think they would love to meet their cousin Connor."
Faith looked outside at the sun. It was bright. She then looked at Buffy and shook her head. "I hate it when you do this Summers."
"Do what?"
"When you're right. It really pisses me off." Faith said looking Buffy straight in the eye.
Buffy replied with a simple question. "When should we go visit?"
She hadn't planned on staying. She was just going to pick up the book at the bookstore after her talk with Faith. She had been so over worked and so tired that she didn't want to get going. She wanted to wait. She was in a place where no one could find her. She looked for the book she needed for her assignment. Once she found it she found the first comfy chair and rested. She opened Toni Morrisons' "Beloved" and began to read. She had to reread some of the pages over again because it wasn't making sense to her. She was enjoying decoding the book. It was a good mental challenge. She happened to look up as she was turning the page. She took a deep breath as her eyes connected with Angel's. She was enjoying reading all by herself. Her alone time was about to end.
"'Beloved?' Is this for class or part of Oprah's book club? It's heavy reading." Angel asked as he looked at her book and took the big comfy seat next to her.
"Oprah's book club are enjoyable books. This is way too complicated for pleasure reading. This is for my film and lit class." She explained. "And what are you doing in a bookstore? Do you even know what a book is?"
"Ha, very funny. Actually I was buying a gift for a friend of mine. I was going to get a gift certificate until I saw you. I thought I'd come over and interrupt you."
"Mission completed." Buffy stated.
"Ouch, that hurt! Be gentle to me. I do have a feelings that do get hurt once in a while." Angel pretended to be hurt.
"Fine, I'll play nice, for now anyway."
"That's good because I was going to call you. I have something to ask you."
Oh God what now? Buffy thought to herself. "Oh yeah? What is that?"
"I wanted to ask you something about my brother."
"What about him? Is he all right?"
"That's the thing, I don't know what is going on with him. He has been acting so strange. He wasn't called or stopped by. It isn't like him. So you know anything?"
Buffy hesitated at first. Angel interrupted her. "Buffy, if there is anything please tell me. I'm concerned. Xander doesn't act like this"
"Well, he is going through some stuff but I don't want to get into it now. You want to go for a walk and talk?"
Angel nodded and followed her. They both found their way to the cash registers and paid for their purchases. They began to walk around outside of the strip mall.
"So what's going on? Is he all right?" Angel asked sounding concerned.
"What we talk about stays between us, right?"
"Of course. Don't I always promise?"
"All right then. Xander is kind of going through something right now and I don't know what it is. The first thing was that I think he got too close with Anya."
"His girlfriend?"
"His ex-girlfriend. They broke up. She was pregnant. They were both excited. She miscarried and they broke up. She is living at home now. She took a leave of absence this semester."
Angel was shocked. He had no idea that happened. "I feel bad. The poor guy. He sounds like he is probably devastated."
"Well, that's what I thought, but there's more to the story. I want to let you know that I have received all of your messages that were delivered by Xander. He gave them all to me. Last night, he had a message of his own."
"What do you mean?"
"He kissed me and told me that he loved me. He also said that he was sick and tired of delivering your messages because he felt the same way."
Angel grew very silent. He tried to process everything Buffy had said. He asked Xander to tell Buffy a lot of stuff. He never thought that Xander felt the same way. "I never knew that. If I would have known I wouldn't have asked him to tell you. I feel so horrible."
"I know you didn't know how he felt. I know that you wouldn't have told him to tell me those things if you knew he supposedly felt the same way. You're not the kind of person."
"I'm sorry that-"
"Angel, stop apologizing. You did nothing wrong. I personally think that I am his rebound girl. After all, Xander and me? Can you picture us together?" Buffy asked with a slight laugh.
"It happened before?"
Yes Angel, and that was in high school. That was so long ago that it felt like it was another lifetime. "Angel, that was a long time ago. I was much younger then. Xander is a great person but I don't love him like that. I have too much respect to love him in a romantic way."
Angel laughed. "Too much respect to love him? What does that mean?"
"I put a lot on Xander. He is my go to guy. When something is bugging me or I just need to laugh I go to him. I don't ever want to change our relationship."
Angel nodded. The pair walked around in circles silently. Finally they sat a bench they walked by a half a dozen times. They remained silent. Angel sighed. "I don't know what to think."
"I'm going to give him a few days before I talk to him. Things will work out, they always will."
"I am a bad person."
"Angel, that's a little harsh."
"No Buffy, it isn't really."
"Why, you didn't know what he was going through. You didn't know what he was thinking."
"But I do now. You have told me these things about my brother. My brother and I have the same feelings for you. All I can do is sit her and feel bad for him and feel horrible."
"Angel, I think you are beating yourself up about this way too much."
"Am I really Buffy? I am sitting here, feeling bad for Xander and all I can think of is how much I hope you don't respect me too much to love me, like you do with Xander."
"Angel, what are you talking about? You don't make sense."
"Buffy, I feel bad that my brother feels the way he does, but I think about you. I think about how much I want to be with you, even if it hurts him and you know there is part of me that doesn't care how he will feel about it. I think I love you."