Chapter Thirty Eight

Author's Note: I left this story about two years ago because I was so busy. I love to write and didn't have a whole lot of time to do it in. I don't know if anyone is still interested in this story but I am going to continue until it is finished. I also would like to go back and correct all of the spelling errors I saw in the previous chapters, but again time is an issue. I'm going to do my best. I have also started another Rent ff, which I am also going to try and post soon. Comments are always welcomed. Thank you!

PS-I don't own A Walk to Remember or anything affiliated with that movie, just a good movie that I mentioned in this chapter.

The café outside the student center was quiet. Finals were only days away. Buffy put her studying on hold. She was meeting up with Xander for the first time since he kissed her. They were going to discuss the action and their feelings. Buffy was a little nervous and tired but this conversation was one that needed to be said.

She was looking over a letter that Oz had sent her while she waited. He was in Europe with his band. He and his band was working on their second cd in England and collaborating with another a British band. His life sounded so exciting and exotic compared to the one that she knew. He said he would call her soon. He also said once he got back in the country they would have to get together, which made her smile. She really did miss him and she was looking forward to their meeting. She felt good that Oz still kept in touch with her. He was still the same old Dan that she grew up with.

As she started to reread the letter, she heard someone pull up a chair next to her. "Hi," he said.

Buffy put the letter away. "Xander, hi."

Silence filled the air between them for a few seconds. They gazed at the trees dancing slowly in the distance. "How have you been doing with everything? I mean with Hank's death?"

As she withdrew her attention from the trees to Xander, Buffy nodded. "It was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. It was weird. I have a brother and sister who I comforted but I hardly know. I have a step-mother, who married my father after he admitted to having an affair with her, whom I comforted at the funeral. It is just a lot to take in right now. She has all ready invited Dawn and I back to her house in a few weeks, for Tommy, my brother's sports event. I feel like I am betraying my mother, although she doesn't see it like that. She has been extremely approachable and understanding with this whole thing. I'm just completely confused and stressed out. I haven't been thinking about it since finals are here and all."

Xander nodded. He had no clue how to say anything to comfort her. He saw that she was stressed and tired. He knew that she had to study and didn't want to take up any more of her time. He was sorry that he called her. He didn't want to discuss how they felt or what had happened. Xander did all he knew how to do. He stood up and gave Buffy a big bear hug. She cried in his arms as she continued to talk to him about Hank, completely forgetting for a minute about the hint of love that Xander felt that last time. That time, which was the purpose of their meeting.

"I know I should hate him. I mean, I spent so much of my life putting him on a pedestal just to be crushed by him. I was going on fine with my life, I didn't think of him ever, well, hardly ever. I was good with that until he arrived on my doorstep. Until he told me he was dying. Until he told me Faith was my sister and he wanted all of us, including Dawn to be part of his life again. I was fine until the man who has always considered me his daughter, even when I was disrespectful and a total bitch to him, called me on my vacation that Hank was dying. I was fine until I sat on that plane by myself and it hit me. I shouldn't be mourning a man who wanted something to do with me only after he found out he was dying. He made amends with my sisters and me to ease his conscience. It was never about getting to know and love us. It was about him all along. On top of that I feel guilty because I feel this way."

Buffy grew silent. Xander didn't know how to respond to her. Buffy took the white paper napkin and started to wipe her eyes. Xander rubbed her back. After a few minutes, Buffy had regained her composure. She took a few breaths and regained her since of control.

"I'm sorry that I lost it. It has been harder than I thought it would be and I really don't know how to deal with it."

Xander offered her a smile. He bowed his head before he looked at her. "You have been through so much in the past few years. You'll get through this, and you'll be on top of your game. You always do, it's who you are. You are so strong."

She nodded. She had made it through Stacy's death and then the whole Riley ordeal, and now Hank's death. Her struggles made things like romance and crushes and mixed messages seem trivial. Buffy took a sip from her water bottle and then continued a conversation that she was almost dreading. "I had to be. If I wasn't, then I would have never survived that stuff. Plus, I have the greatest group of friends. If it wasn't for you guys, I would have nothing."

The two stared at each other. Buffy was about to speak when Xander beat her to it. "I guess that leads us to why I asked to meet you." Buffy was about to continue when Xander stopped her. "No, please, let me say what I wanted to. I need to say this." Xander looked deep into her green eyes. "I think you were right about what you said. I love you Buffy, more than I love everyone else on this planet. I can't imagine you never being in my life."

"Xander wait-"

"Buffy, no, please let me finish. When I kissed you I was feeling…I was feeling so low. All of these thoughts went through my head. I felt emotions that I never knew I had. I was in a weird place." Xander stopped and then continued. "I was going to be a father, which I wasn't ready for but still was so excited. I was going to be in charge of this little life and get to do all the things I wanted to do with my dad, which, I never did." Buffy remembered to way back when in high school when Angel had told her the truth about their father and how when Angel had cancer, he split. Xander was too young to remember that and didn't know how much has Buffy did.

He breathed and continued. "That opportunity, which was an unplanned life, was taken away from me. Then Anya told me needed time and we got too close. I didn't know how to deal with it. I went to see you for comfort, because you have been a really good friend and I guess the part of me that was missing Anya just took over. My mouth talked and did some other stuff, as you know, without consulting my heart or my brain. After I stormed off, I was so afraid that I would loose you as a friend and even more than that, I would loose our bond."

Silence once again found a presence at the table. Xander looked ashamed of everything that he had said. Buffy grabbed his hand and looked at him. She pushed his hair away from his face and offered a smile. "So you are telling me that you are not in love with me?"

Xander sighed and a smile right back. "Afraid not, but don't think your getting away from me that easily. I do still think you are this totally cool person who is fun to hang out with. Oh yeah, I like how you nag me sometimes."

With that last comment they both shared a laugh. "I don't nag you!"

Xander put his arm around his friend as he mocked her. "Xander Harris! What are you doing? Xander Harris, why are you wearing that? You should know that whenever you use a person's first and last name in the same sentence that is an automatically a nag."

"Oh, really?" She smiled back and put her hand around her friend.

"How did your final go?" Tara asked. "Was it your last one?"

"It was all right. I can't wait for school to be over and done with. I have one more and one more paper to do, which means I'm doing nothing tonight. How are you all done?"

"Yes. I finished this afternoon." Tara answered as she was collecting items to pack.

"Have you decided if you are going to stay for the summer?" Buffy asked.

Tara looked excited. "I'm going to go home until the forth of July weekend and then I'll be back here for the rest of the summer and I will work in the office. You'll pretty much have our apartment to yourself for two months."

Buffy and Tara decided to live together again. As upper classmen, they had the privilege of living in an apartment on campus. The apartment housed two. They didn't know if Anya was coming back and unfortunately, the school's housing department couldn't hold space for her.

Buffy was also working in the office that summer. She was going to be lonely with Tara gone but she figured it was only for two months. Plus, if she was that lonely she could just go home.

Tara continued to pack the stuff she would need for the next few months while she was home. Buffy continued to work on her paper and study for her test.

"I'm never going to finish this stupid art paper." Buffy said as she walked over to the fridge. She grabbed a juice and sat next to Tara who was watching a movie. "I give up," she pouted as she put her head on her friends' shoulder.

Tara patted Buffy's head. "Just take a break. You've been working for almost four hours. You deserve one. I'm watching A Walk to Remember. You should finish watching it with me. It's almost over." Buffy agreed.

As the movie ended, both Buffy and Tara wiped the tears away from their faces. "Do you know how many times I have seen that movie and read that book? The movie is so predictable but yet it is so good!" Tara commented.

"I know. It is kind of a cheesy movie but I cry each time I watch it. Now who is that calling?" Buffy asked as the ringing of her cell phone interrupted their movie moment.

"Oh Buffy, I forgot to tell you Willow called. She said it wasn't important and she would call back later. I'm sorry." Tara admitted.

As Buffy grabbed the phone she shrugged. "No biggie. Hello?"

"Hi Buffy, how are you?" Angel asked on the other end of the phone.

"I'm all right. How are you?' She answered.

"I'm the same. Hey, I am near your school and was wondering if you wanted to meet up for a coffee or something, just to catch up."

"Sure. I'll wait outside." Oh boy, she thought.

"What is that thing?" Angel asked as she was handed her drink at Starbucks.

"It's a frozen strawberry lemonade. It's yummy. Do you want a sip?" Buffy offered.

"No thanks, I'll stick with my frapachino," Angel smiled.

They found a table and sat down. Buffy couldn't stop thinking about all of the work she had to do and the little amount of time she had to do it in. She took a deep breath and figured that this was just another person checking in with her to make sure she was still all right.

"So, how are things?" Angel asked very softly.

"I'm all right. I kind of have mixed feelings about things with Hank and that part of my new family, but I'm making it. Xander and I also talked today-"

He didn't mention anything when we talked earlier, Angel thought to himself.

"and we really worked things out." Buffy continued. "We are in a good place."

"Are you two-?"

"God no. He came to his senses and realized that he was just going through some stuff and didn't think before he acted. You know, he was just acting like Xander."

"I'm glad it worked out. " Angel said. Buffy watched a child with his father. The child looked like he just came from some kind of t ball or soccer practice. The father was beaming as he talked about his son's sports team and how they won the big game because of his child. Buffy smiled sadly.

"That's something we both missed out on," Angel said very matter a fact.

Buffy nodded. "I asked you to go out because I wanted to make sure you were all right. I mean with everything that happened with Hank." Angel said, reverting back to their first conversation.

Buffy smiled. "I kind of thought so. Everyone is so worried. It's going to take some time but I'll get through this. I have to sort through some things, some emotions but I think I will be good. It is just going to take time." Buffy sipped her drink. She shifted the conversation. "I want to thank you. You promised me a long time ago that if I ever needed anything that you would be there. There are so many things that have happened recently and you have kept your promise. Thank you."

Angel finished his drink and put the empty cup on the table. "A promise is a promise," he answered. They continued to make small talk, but Angel couldn't stop thinking. He really cared about her. His heart raced as she sat across from her. He knew she was stressed out. She was finishing the semester at school as well as coping with the mess that was Hank. He would approach her to talk to her some more, but until then he harbored his feelings. His feelings would be his secret.