Any mistakes are mine. Characters obviously don't. you know what I would do to them if they were (rubs hands evilly)!
Bren's dream world
She opened her eyes, and cleared her vision, as she let her mind catch up with the reality. She was sitting in a first-class seat on the plane that was taking her back after months of being away, after months of struggling to cope with her grief and heartbreak. Looking at the fluffy clouds outside her window, she released a tired sigh, her eyes lost in the beauty of the blue sky. As she stretched her muscles, she couldn't deny that the exhaustion she felt didn't come from the long trip, or even from her hectic schedule, which was even busier than before.
It was a degree of exhaustion so deep it was etched in her bones, and it couldn't be washed away, no matter how much she slept or rested, or at least tried to.
She knew it was foolish to return, and that no one in their right mind would subject themselves to even more heartbreak, but she wouldn't do what he had done. She wouldn't break a promise. That is why she was back, because she would, at the very least, live her life with a clear conscience. The only thing she wanted was for things to be over. She had been thinking of how to approach the subject of her refusal with the new parents when she met them in person, since she had been unable to talk to them, and dealing with something so important to them it seemed petty to do it over the phone.
In her heart, she knew she would never be able to stand the idea of being so close to him, tied to him, knowing how important her upcoming role in his child's life would be to him, considering his Catholic beliefs, and not being able to open her heart, to let him see how deep and everlasting her love for him was. The day she stepped on the plane that took her away from DC, she had thrown the key to her heart in the middle of the Atlantic. If people thought her cold now, how she was now was only comparable to the North Pole. Permafrost was the word she had overheard from one of her interns when they thought she was outside hearing range. That didn't mean she was rude or uncaring. On the contrary, she was even more considerate, kinder and more understanding, but she always kept her heart carefully closed whenever someone tried to breach her rebuilt walls: she was smart enough to accept that while she wouldn't be able to open herself again, at least the pain had diminished to a numbness she would be able to deal with so that she could continue living.
She knew she was looking thinner and sharper than ever, a fact even more noticeable with her black silky pants and matching turtleneck. As she got lost in the skies than changed from a deep blue to the gray winter hue of DC, which seemed to be mocking her falling mood as she approached her next battle, only the sound of the stewardess through the speakers broke her inner ramblings,
… as we are beginning our final descent to Dulles International Airport. Please put your seats in the upright position and keep the tray safely locked on the seat before you. All electronic devices…
She closed her eyes and breathed in heavily for a few moments. Whoever took a look at her might think she was scared or nervous at the prospect of the landing, a callous thought since she had travelled so much, planes were virtually a home to her. Her frantic nerves were caused by what she knew was expecting her. She missed them all, but being so close to them, being faced with the life she would never have, a man to love her, children… She never regretted her decision to leave, even if it was laced with the irony of being both the hardest and the easiest choice she had ever made: hardest because she would never be able to stop loving them, him, and the easiest as she knew it was the only way to protect what was left of her broken soul. A machinery would work perfectly unless one of its pieces was faulty, and she continued to feel like she was a faulty piece that could throw their perfect balance off-course.
After making a swift landing and thanking the stewardess, and making her way through customs, she slowly walked towards baggage claim; the truth was that she wasn't in a hurry to get anywhere, and neither did she wish to rush the moment when she would have to meet her friends after months of being apart. She was watching the bags travel slowly across the band when she felt a pair of arms engulf her from behind, startling her momentarily.
"Sweetie!", Angela shrieked, and after recovering from her surprise, she turned around to return the hug wholeheartedly, feeling a small bump between them.
"Ange!", she smiled at her friend, "I thought you would wait until Michael was 2?", she teased, while Jack smiled at the woman and hugged her as well after retrieving her suitcase from the band, letting them have their moment before he intruded.
"The baby bug was in the lab, and we couldn't resist", Angela said, making them all laugh, as she watched her husband embrace her best friend eagerly.
"Dr. B. You're looking good!", he said, though he had already felt her tiny frame through the thick clothes she had put on to greet the winter in DC, his kind smile warming her insides.
"Thank you, Jack, and congratulations", she said, "How's my godson?", she asked, as the three made their way to the parking space, Jack taking her suitcase with him.
"Bren, he's amazing! He says `bah´, which means bottle, and he's even standing without help!", Angela said excitedly as they got in the car as she talked about her son's accomplishments .
She could only smile at the pride of her friends, "You must be so pleased", Jack nodded, his blue eyes sparkling at the thought of his beautiful baby boy, "But it's no wonder, as you're both incredibly smart people, with both your genes, it was bound to happen", both parents beamed, aware at the love the anthropologist had for their son.
She braced herself before asking, "How's… Booth?", she knew that if she wanted to appear normal, she had to inquire about her former partner's wellbeing, given he was the reason behind her return.
Angela took it upon herself to reply, "Don't tell me I told you this, but he was crying when he showed us the baby. He was so emotional. We bribed the doctors, and they let him be with Hannah all the time, inside the delivery room, so he was there when the baby was born. He's gorgeous, Bren. A Booth through and through", she smiled at her friend, giving her all the information she needed.
"It's understandable that he feels so elated. Booth always longed for more children, so it's only natural he was so moved by being able to experience it all, Rebecca truly didn't let him share many of Parker's first moments due to the sourness that existed between them at that time", she stated, and both her friends nodded.
Jack added, "And Angie's right. He's freakily handosome, and I only hope this little angel", he said, reaching to rub his wife's tummy as she sat in the passenger seat, "is another a boy, only because I know she will fall victim to his charms if she's a girl. All the nurses are fussing over him already. The little guy is truly amazing", Jack said, clearly overjoyed at his friend's newfound happiness, sharing in the delight of repeating the experience of impending fatherhood.
Temperance only smiled and nodded, her heart tugging at the information, her eyes taking in all the spots she had missed for so many months. She never imagined that coming back would indeed be so bittersweet. And it wasn't like she didn't know what they were talking about, since Hannah had been sending her regular updates of her growing belly, along with details of how their marriage was developing claiming "if you can't be here at least I'll make sure you'll feel like you are". She had responded gracefully, like she was supposed to. But there had been one photo that had been particularly heartbreaking for her. It was of them leaning against a huge tree, she recognized at Hodgins' place, enjoying the last days of fall, Hannah's back was against the trunk while Booth rested his head on her lap and against her large bump, his large hands covering the expanse of milky skin while he held the fabric of her blouse open, his mouth pressed against her taut skin, seemingly speaking to his unborn baby. The image was simply idyllic, and she could see the love pouring out from him towards his child and wife, even through the computer screen. When Hannah sent it, she explained that it had been Angela who took the picture, and given her the digital file, knowing how much they would love it. She had also put there that she hated that she had been unable to share this process with them, but that she wanted her to have the images of the little mementos they were going through, "my baby's godmother has to see this", she had added.
She had cried for 2 days after she received it, thinking of the life she would never have, her womb feeling empty and completely dry, devoid of life.
Booth had written to her several times, but most of the times he only talked about how the baby was progressing, or told her stories about Parker, and how he missed his "Dr. Bones", or how well he had been doing in science, keeping his messages friendly and aloof. His only emotional communication had reached her 1 week ago, where he begged her to return for his son's birth.
Bones, it had said, you continue to be my best friend, no matter what. I miss you. I know we're on different pathways, but… I would like to think you still think of me this way, but I do. I also know you felt you had no reasons to come back, that I stopped being a friend or taking the time to be truly your partner, as I always was, as I vowed I would always be. If, for some miracle, you still think I deserve your forgiveness, you could prove it and ease my fears of being the worst friend and partner by coming here and being with us when the baby is born.
We'll baptize the baby 2 weeks after he's born, when Hannah is back on her feet. I'm begging you, consider spending those 2 weeks with us, and…
Just come. Bones. For all the years we shared together. For what being partners meant to you.
Booth
P.S.: I'm not above groveling.
She knew it would hurt going back, but if she knew him, she knew he was doubting she had ever forgiven him, after their little talk at the wedding, where so many things had been left unspoken, but clearly hinted: they had both known what they were keeping silent, for both their peace of mind. She even considered that perhaps, he only thought she had gone away because she felt she had no one while everyone had someone, because no one had time for her, and she had found herself alone and deserted by her friends.
If he had truly known what he was asking of her.
During her time away, she had finally understood the true meaning of love. She knew loving booth hurt, but it didn't mean she would make herself hate him to forget about him. It meant that she loved him enough to accept the pain that came with it, that she would make this heartbreaking sacrifices for his sake, because his happiness meant that much to her. It meant that she would do anything to add to that happiness, if she could.
She was lost in the beauty of a snow-covered DC, the lights blinking, the whole city engulfed in the Christmas spirit. Rome was more than beautiful, but there was something comforting in being back, and though she could no longer say "back home", she had always known a piece of her had stayed behind.
Before she knew it, they had reached the hospital's parking lot.
"I thought that at this time of night, visiting hours would be over, and that we would come tomorrow", she said as she noticed where they were, when Jack put the car in park, confused at their presence there, so far away she had been that she hadn't noticed they were at the hospital and not at their place.
"Yes, they are", Angela said, unbuckling her seat belt, she automatically mirroring their actions while she listened to their explanation, "But since Booth is the new flavor at the FBI, and he continues to use his charm smile and newfound power to his advantage, he managed to bribe the nurses into letting you visit, saying how important it was for everyone that the world-famous Dr. Temperance Brennan had come all the way from Europe, even stopping her world-changing discoveries, only to get to know his little boy and act as his godmother. Let it be said, all the nurses melted, and didn't even put up a fight when he pleaded his case", Angela teased as they reached the hospital doors.
She followed them through long hallways, rubbing her temple while the elevator took them to the maternity ward. She was truly exhausted, but she ordered her face muscles not to betray her emotional state to anyone.
They walked towards the desk, and when the nurse saw her, she "Oh, my God. It's truly you!", she said, unable to say more, taking a hand to her chest.
"I guess she truly didn't believe Booth", she said, and Jack laughed, as he waved to the nurses and pointed into Temperance's direction, the nurses nodding their understanding, still speechless and awed. It was no wonder, since her last book had been an even greater success than the previous ones. Angela had told her it was because it compelled so much emotion between the main characters, and how heartbrokenly yet amazingly put she had finally given the story of Kathy and Andy an end: in a very surprising twist, she had killed Kathy off while she protected Andy from the bullet of a serial killer. The reviews indeed had been amazing, and many fans had approached her through her publisher to tell her that while it was terrible to see the series come to an end, the way she had made them all feel their love would remain despite her death was genius. She had thought about it a thousand times while sitting in her villa's patio, looking at the sunset, knowing she didn't have it in her heart to continue with the romance between the characters, given she had lost her only source of inspiration. It had been kind of fortuitous, since according to her contract with her publisher, this indeed could be her last book.
Writing it had been cathartic, and it had helped her exorcise her "demons". She could understand why her readers had claimed the book was heartbreaking, she had shed countless tears writing it, letting all of her pain flow through her fingers onto the keyboard, putting all her despair into her characters' words and actions. In that last book, Andy had finally given up on her, finding a new love interest after she had wrongfully assumed their sexual relationship would always be enough for him, and accepting a new job when he got too close to threatening the stability of her emotions. The pain of their separation had mingled with a hunt for a serial killer that she had created, a mixture of Gormogon and the Gravedigger, thus making both areas of her book, the crime and the romance, a success. In the end, Kathy had saved Andy, giving her life in the process, finally confessing to him that she had always loved him but that she had always feared she wouldn't be enough for him while she bled out from a stab wound in her upper chest.
If Booth had read it, she didn't know, but she kind of didn't want him to. Only he would recognize the subtle references to their own situation, and how much they had lost each other.
For the first time, her dedication page hadn't been aimed towards anyone, but it was a single phrase, "To Love, which is so much like energy. It never fades, it only changes form, and while many would rather not to give in to the pain of the experience, it makes life a road worth living. To every human soul whose wings have been burned by it".
"It's this way", Angela said, interrupting her thoughts, "We'll wait outside. This is for you", she smiled softly, "I'm truly glad you're back, Bren", Angela squeezed her hand softly and they shared a moment before Brennan went to the door.
She knocked softly, "Come in", she heard his voice. She hated herself, she hated her body for reacting so acutely to him, even after so much time apart.
She opened the door slowly, and her heart tugged painfully at the scene. Hannah had the shoulder of her hospital gown down as she rested against the headboard, cradling the baby as he latched hungrily to her breast, making little sucking noises as his little hands grasped both of his parents' fingers. Booth was sitting right beside her, his arm wrapped around her waist, looking at his little boy like there was nobody else in the world, his eyes shining with love and awe, like any proud father would be.
"Hey", she said, and they both raised their heads, smiling beamingly when they realized it was her.
"Temperance, you made it!", Hannah said softly, smiling when the baby made a soft grunting noise at being disturbed, making her rub his dark, soft hair soothingly.
"Bones!", he smiled, and she saw him struggling between the desire to continue holding his family and wanting to hug her after so many months apart.
She halted his advances, raising a hand in the air, "Don't worry. Stay where you are", she smiled politely at the couple.
"Please, sit!", Hannah said. Apart from the pullout couch where she knew Booth would probably spend the night, guarding his family, there was a chair next to the bed, "Come closer, so you can take a look at our little angel", Hannah added cheerfully.
She complied and sat, a smile swimming on her lips as she said, "How are you feeling? You told me you wanted to give birth naturally, and by your tired complexion, I assess you went through with it. Natural childbirth can be very strenuous", Hannah and Booth smiled at her.
"I know, I look terrible", Hannah said, smiling, "and yes, indeed I gave birth naturally. 14 hours it took! But I wouldn't trade it for the world. When I held him in my arms for the first time… I forgot all about the pain", she said, caressing the baby's soft face, who released her nipple with a pop, clearly satisfied and content.
"Seeley, would you…?", he reached out, and took the baby from her without any further words, "Come here, little guy", he said, holding the baby to his chest, making cooing sounds as he patted his back gently while rocking him, waiting for Hannah to make herself presentable.
They heard the baby release a tiny burp that made them all smile, as Booth continued rocking him softly, "You're going to tire Mommy out with your big appetite", he teased, and the baby cooed happily to his father, making Booth kiss his temple tenderly, making Brennan's heart ache, imagining how it would have felt if it had been their child he was carrying now. Would he be as content? Would he look as pleased and overjoyed? She would never know.
"Temperance, thank you for coming. Seeley thought you wouldn't get here in time, but I knew you would never fail us", Hannah said, and she nodded, trying to find a way to keep the smile on her face, but actually letting herself be happy for them, knowing his happiness would have to be hers for now.
"I had promised I'd be here, and I never break a promise", she said, making Booth pause for a nanosecond as his heart gave a painful tug, knowing she didn't mean to make him feel bad, but as she stated the fact, he was unable to deny he had broken every single promise he had ever made to her, and yet here she was, ready to stand by his side, because they had asked.
"Well, I'm glad for that. As Seeley already told you in the last email we sent, we will baptize the baby right after the New Year, when I'm feeling better and can stand without feeling so much pain. Seeley, is he asleep?", Hannah asked, and after checking, he replied, "Now, he's just… playing around", Booth said smiling at his little boy.
"Well, no one has held him, apart from me, and Seeley of course, and his big brother. We… We wanted you to be the first one to hold him, after us, since you're his godmother, you deserve the honor", Hannah said determinedly, "Seeley, please, pass Temperance the baby", he silently made his way, and carefully transferred the baby into her arms. She took him with surprising ease, marveled at his perfect beauty.
Angela hadn't exaggerated. The baby was indeed the perfect copy of his father. She rocked him a bit. His mouth was shaped into the most perfect cupid bow, and she could see Booth in every cell of him. She reached out to caress his forehead softly, and felt the silky texture of his perfect skin.
"Temperance, meet Henry Seeley Booth", Hannah said proudly, "Or, as we prefer, little Hank", Temperance stared into his tiny face.
"Hank… he must be so proud", she said, her eyes unable to leave the tiny face, completely enamored with the little guy, her chest tight as she realized she could have had this if her fear hadn't overpowered her heart.
"Yeah. Jared picked him up, and he's staying with them, of course, under heavy supervision of Jared and Padmé. He was so emotional!", Hannah said excitedly, "He'll be coming tomorrow as he was a bit tired".
Temperance tenderly took the baby's hand, his tiny fingers curling around hers, and she felt a surge of warmth flow through her, along with another wave of the pain that always came when it was something related to Seeley Booth, and their missed chances.
"You must be so proud. I can tell you, he'll look just like Booth when he's older. His bone structure", she said, tracing the baby's features tenderly, "Tells me so. Sorry, Hannah, but there's not much of you in here", she said, thinking perhaps she would be offended by her blunt statement.
Hannah chuckled, "I couldn't be prouder, and yes, I told Seeley our Hank was just like him, but he didn't want to believe it. Now I'm sure he does, don't you, honey?", he smiled sheepishly.
"I would never doubt Bones, on anything", he said, and she raised her eyes to find his for a brief second, but lowered them instantly to continue gazing at the baby safely cradled against her chest.
The baby yawned and stretched, and surprised them all as he opened his eyes and stared into her face, for the first time, showing them he had the exact shade of brown of his father's eyes.
"Seeley, he opened his eyes!", Hannah said, her eyes pooling with happy tears, Booth going to Bones' side excitedly, confirming.
"Yes, he finally did! Stubborn little thing. He didn't open his eyes all day, no matter how much we begged", he said lovingly, seeing his son's stare fixed on the blue eyes of his former partner, "I guess he was waiting for his Aunt Bones, weren't you, buddy?", he said, rubbing the baby's foot.
Her heart broke as she found herself reduced to just an aunt, as she realized again this precious miracle could have been hers, not Hannah's.
"Well", she said, motioning to Booth to take the baby again, "You both should be proud. He's a beautiful baby", Booth smiled as he rocked the baby against his chest as he fussed a bit at being disturbed from his comfortable position.
"Thank you, Bones, for saying that and for being here. You must be tired…", he said, seeing the dark circles under her eyes. If he had only known how long they had been there, "… From the long journey here. Why don't you go home to rest and come back tomorrow morning? Parker will be here, and he'll be excited to see you finally returned. He was very excited to know that his Dr. Bones was coming back to visit", she was glad Booth had given her an opening to exit.
"Yes. In fact, I find myself drained from the long travel. I'll go with Angela and Jack, to their place, since I no longer have an apartment here, and I'll see you tomorrow so you can also rest, since this day must have been quite strenuous on you. Again congratulations, to the both of you", she said with a soft smile, and turned on her heels to leave, hoping her legs would support her until she could hide from the world.
"Bones…?", he said, and she sighed before turning to face him.
"Good to have you back", he said, and she shook her head smiling politely at him, unable to tell them returning had just served to reopen wounds that she knew were still oozing.
But she knew he needed the lie to be able to sleep at night, she could see the guilt hidden in the deepest recess of his dark gaze, "It's good to be back, Booth", she said, and with a small nod, she turned on her heels and left.
Angela and Jack were waiting for her, and as she exited the room, she saw the calm peace of her friend comfortably perched against her husband's frame as he rubbed her belly.
"I'm ready to go", she said, and with a smile, the couple stood and walking right next to her, the three people exited the hospital.
The Christmas festivities had been, no surprise there, all about the new baby, and the general excitement at each small progress he seemingly made. She only smiled and went with everything they said, too tired to even go into anthropological explanations or dismissing their assessments, unable to stop herself from being enamored with the beautiful child. Before she knew it, it had been almost 2 weeks since her return and it was the day they would baptize Hank.
She put on a beautiful dark grey dress that went to her knees. The fabric was incredibly thick and soft, but it outlined her beautiful figure to perfection; it had a line of buttons from her neck to the end of the skirt, with a hint of a Nehru jacket on the neck, but the skirt opened gracefully, with a 60´s look to it. She kept her makeup light even if her eyes had a smoky look that brought out the blue, and her black pumps. She arranged her hair in a messy bun at the nape of her neck, and as she was applying the finishing touches, she felt a knock on the door.
Angela peeked inside, "Are you presentable, sweetie?", she replied, "When am I not?", Angela smiled at the reply, and entered the guest room they had prepared for her.
The artist sat on the edge of the bed, and looked at her through the mirror of the vanity, "Sweetie, I hate to say this, for what it means to us, but the airs of the Mediterranean have done wonders on you", she said teasingly, "Any hot guys you haven't told me about in your emails? You know I get angry when I don't get details", she said.
"No hot guys, Ange", she said as she tied the knot around her waist tighter, not wanting to touch that subject and explain why she had given up on any ideas of love or intimacy, for good. Not even the perspective of satisfying the cravings of her body seemed appealing. She had actually gone to bed with one of her colleagues, and while pleasurable, the emptiness that followed as she realized that no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't invest her heart again was enough to put her off the idea again.
She felt Angela's scrutinizing gaze on her, "And you're thinner. 7, 10 pounds? Bren, I hope you're eating and this is just the result of some insanely amazing diet", she said worriedly, "We're not there to care for you, honey, and it worries me, though you look beautiful. You always do".
"Ange, I'm taking care of myself, and while I appreciate your concern, you don't need to worry. I'm doing fine", she said, fixing the collar of her dress. She held back a groan. She hadn't truly appreciated before how the dress highlighted how much weight she had lost. Fortunately, her large breasts helped distract the attention from her tinier frame, and disguised how skinny she truly was, though fortunately she didn't look unhealthy or sick, which was a definite plus.
"Anyway, you look beautiful", Angela said, "You truly, truly do", their eyes met over the reflection on the mirror, and Brennan smiled, knowing her friend to know when she was being honest, and not just trying to make her feel better.
"Bren… We miss you", Angela said pleadingly as the woman sat next to her on the bed, "Nothing is the same without you here. I mean, we still kick ass somehow, and Booth pushes Charlie to the limit, who by the way, is the new liaison with the FBI, to continue holding the best track record and learn how to work with us, but… Without you, everything is different. Bren, when are you finally going to drop the nomad lifestyle and return to us?", Angela begged.
"Ange", Temperance started, "I love you. You're my friends, and more loyal than any real family, than my own blood family was, but… I don't think I'll ever return. I'm building a new life, and… it's fulfilling and exciting", she replied, trying to dodge the subject as best as she could without hurting Angela, whose eyes were shimmering at seeing the steely resolve in her eyes, knowing she had made up her mind to never return.
"But are you happy, Bren? Truly happy?", Angela asked worriedly, and Temperance stood to seemingly search for her earrings, only to avoid her friend's inquisitive stare.
"You know I don't believe in everlasting happiness", she said steeling her spine, trying so sound nonchalant and aloof, hiding behind the mask of the Temperance Brennan Angela had once known before Booth came to change it all, "And while for all of you it feels real, and palpable, and I don't mean to dismiss how all of you have found… significant others to build your lives with, you need to understand that some people are meant to go through life without those things, and still find contentment", she replied while she made sure her earrings were dangling correctly.
"Bren… Why do I feel all of that is pure bullshit?", she said, but there was no ire behind her words, just sadness and disappointment at seeing her best friend retreating to the cold shell that was her heart before they all came into her life.
Temperance turned on her heels, and looked at her friend, giving her a stern, yet soft stare, not meaning to hurt her, but to show her there was no point in the discussion, "Because you want it to be a lie, so you can have me back, so we can all have the lives we were leading before everything changed. Because you're a good friend, and a kind person, and the idea that I might be unhappy in any way pains you. But rest assured, Angela. Things are the way they're supposed to be. Everyone is happy, and that is enough for me", she finished.
"But, are you?", Angela prodded, unable to leave without an answer, her heart hurting deeply for her friend, suspecting, for probably the first time, there was more than what she had told them behind her leaving, and beating herself up for not seeing it before, "You're going to end up so lonely", she said sadly, and Temperance flinched, but didn't react to her words, painfully aware they were not a notion for the distant future; they described her present life.
"I have the life I expected, and that's all I want", and when Angela realized she wouldn't get more from the anthropologist, she gave up, hoping it wasn't all a charade to prevent them from seeing the extent of her pain.
Looking at her wristwatch pointedly, Temperance said, "They must be waiting for us at the church. It would be unfitting of me to be late, so we need to leave", Angela nodded, and without saying a single word, the women exited.
And that is how life went for her after becoming Henry Seeley Booth's godmother. Of course, the satellite conversations were frequent, due to her sense of obligation towards the child, and the love she felt for him, perhaps because it was her only link to the man she loved.
Then, she traveled, for his birthday every year, which meant she stayed for 3 weeks, since it overlapped with the Christmas celebrations, and they wouldn't let her leave as fast as she would have wanted, unknowingly submitting her to the bittersweet pain of their attentions.
When Angela's new baby was born, which was, as Jack had dreaded, a beautiful baby girl, she returned, and also became godmother to Kimberly Hodgins-Montenegro, her second reason to visit the States, an event that now came twice a year: her love for those kids was so great she was even able to stand the crushing weight of dealing with all she had lost before her.
It continued to be bittersweet, coming back to see them all, and they were all so engrossed in their families that conversation revolved around them, sharing moments and parenting advice, making her feel like a stranger, steeling her resolve to never return. And indeed she never stayed longer than she needed to, despite their pleas.
Max had moved to Italy, his father's intuition telling him how lonely his daughter was, and she couldn't be more thankful to have him with her, giving her his love and becoming a delightful company. It gave her peace and somehow filled her loneliness. All the time they spend together served to strengthen their bond, to find their way to forgiveness and mend their relationship for good. Her newfound closeness with her father was the only thing she could look forward to in her lonely life, and it was the perfect example of finding something good amidst the bad.
They shared 15 wonderful years together, until he died peacefully in his sleep. She was glad he had left knowing how much she loved him, and that he had decided to give everything up for her. When he had moved in with her, leaving everything behind, she had been reluctant at first, feeling Russ would be hurt, but Max had told her Russ had his family, while he knew she only had him.
She decided to bury him in the States, thanking her financial status and fame for making the travel easier. She had had Max for the last years of his life, and she didn't want to rob Russ of the chance to visit his grave, knowing how much it would mean to him to be able to visit their parents.
The encounter between her and her family had been sad, but there was a sense of finality, of a closed chapter in her life as she stared at the new marble stone that stood proud next to her mother's. She felt a hollow in her chest that no one could fill. Max had been her only consolation and source of joy for the past years, and she knew that without him, all she had would be the empty walls of her villa to accompany her.
She was staring into space, feeling the chilly air of DC creep into her body, chilling her, until a voice broke her out of her reverie, "Still don't believe in talking to the dead, Bones?", she didn't even turn her body, feeling drained and utterly lonely, unable to engage in any kind of emotional conversation, least of all with him.
"I don't need to talk to the dead, Booth. They talk enough to me", was her stiff reply. She needed to guard her walls. There was no one to care for her anymore if she fell, no one to comfort her, to soothe her pain.
"Bones…", he said tenderly, "With Max… gone… you should… why don't you consider returning to the States? No matter how good the team is now, you're the missing piece, and you'll always be", while it felt good to hear him say that, it only added to her pain, "We miss you. I miss you", he said clearly hoping his pleading words made her reconsider, but she knew she couldn't deal if she witnessed everything she was missing on day by day, that was why she had left in the first place.
"My life is there, Booth", she said, her eyes fixed on the words she had instructed be written on the stone.
Max Keenan.
Husband to Ruth, Widower to Christine.
Always Father to Russ and Temperance.
"But your family is here", he said as he stared at her. No matter how many years had passed, to him she continued to be the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Not even age or time had put a dent to it. He didn't see the faint lines that now adorned her beautiful skin, her eyes continued to hold the same depth, but he could see they were ridden with the weight of unbearable sadness, a sadness he knew, deep inside, he was greatly responsible of, though he had never consciously admitted it to himself.
"While I always tried to understand the notion of different types of family as you described them to me… I want to go back, Booth. You might think I'm going to go there to wallow in self-pity. And maybe, for a while, I will, as it is my right to grieve for my father, even if rationally I know it's pointless and won't change anything. But I always bounce back. Always. You have your family, Booth. You should go to them", she said sadly, "they need you".
"But you're my family too", he said, and this time, when their eyes met, the heartbreak he had seen so many years ago at his wedding in her blue depths, returned full force, and made him feel unbelievably small and unworthy of someone like her, his conscious mind unable to believe she had ever loved him, the lie he had built to sleep better at night.
"Only in heart, Booth. Only in heart. Hannah is waiting for you, you should go to her", she said, as she saw the elegant figure of Hannah by their car, clearly waiting for her husband to return to her, with a finality in her tone that made it clear she didn't wish to continue talking to him, and that she needed both time and space.
He nodded somberly, and his steps felt heavy as he left her, swallowing painfully the tears that he allowed himself for the first time in many years at the thought of her.
What she had never been able to understand, what she had never grasped is the connection that always existed between Henry Seeley and herself. Hannah told her that to him, she was a heroine, a princess, a role model, a paragon he used to measure all women against. When he finished his studies, and excelled both academically and athletically, his parents told him he could choose whatever he wanted for a gift, and he had asked for a trip to Rome to spend a summer with his aunt Temperance.
While surprised, she had embraced the experience, and for almost 4 months, she took him in her care. She was amazed as she was faced with the outstanding similarities he shared with his father: He was just like Booth, but with a passion for knowledge she knew came from her teachings. As he had started growing up, her visits to the States had become more frequent, never extended in length though, but she had always been careful to make clear he and little Kim, along with Parker and Michael were the reason for her to visit, that she would never neglect the responsibilities she had acquired as their godmother.
He was 19 years old, and as handsome as his father, but with an emotional maturity that surpassed his early age, a maturity that was the result of a loving family and a nurturing environment.
One day, as they enjoyed the lazy breeze of the piazza and sipped on some iced tea, out of the blue, he said, "For the longest time, I… I thought my dad was in love with you", she had hidden her surprise well, but her heart had jumped in a way she would always relate to him, startled that her own godson was telling her this.
"Henry", she knew he loved being called Henry by her, and only her. Not even his mom was allowed to call him that. He was Hank to everyone, but to her, "Your Dad loves your mother very much. We've been friends for… almost 30 years, but that's it. People tended to think we were more than partners, since we were so close", she replied, trying to diffuse the situation.
"No, aunt Tempe. It's not that. It's not the stories I hear from aunt Ange, uncle Jack, uncle Wendell or uncle Sweets… It's… sometimes, when we talk about you… There's this shadow of sadness in his eyes… Like the pain of an unattainable dream… And I wonder… What would have happened, if you two had gotten together…", he said, his brown eyes filled with curiosity.
She closed her eyes, and gathered her bearings before she fixed her eyes on his, and replied, "Henry. I know your father never agreed to my leaving the country, as we were such close friends. Besides, my leaving forced many changes for the people I called my family, changes they didn't like at first, but I needed to come here, and find myself. You shouldn't doubt that your Dad loves your mother, deeply. When they married and they told me you were on the way, that's the happiest I ever saw him, well, second to the day when you were born", Henry smiled softly, but his inquiring gaze told her he hadn't bought her explanation.
"Aunt Tempe… did you… ever love him… like that? It's just… You're such a beautiful woman, and I remember you, back when I was a child… Even then, I thought you were the most beautiful woman in the world, even more beautiful than my mom", she smiled adoringly at him, her heart warming at his tender words, "you never married, and… whenever we talk about Dad… there's that same sadness in your eyes, too", he said, giving her a soft, compassionate smile that made her eyes fill with tears, amazed at how this young man had the ability to read her, just like his father could back in the days when there was only them, when their world hadn't been shattered by her fear and both their mistakes.
"Your Dad is a remarkable man, Henry. He was easy to love, as a friend. He got his perfect life, his 20, 30, 40, years… And I'm happy he found that with your mother. I found my… purpose in my science, while he found his in his family. He wouldn't have been as happy with me as he has been with your mother. You need to know that. Even if I harbored romantic feelings for him, it doesn't matter now", Henry leaned in, reaching for her hand, his eyes telling her he understood what she didn't want to say, but he could see; that indeed she had loved him, and probably still did, but that she had given up on her happiness so he could find his.
"For the record, I need you to know something, and I would like if this stayed… between us", she nodded at his request, his warm stare easing her worry, "Thank you for giving me a family", she frowned, confused, "One word from you, ONE, and he would have followed you, to the ends of the Earth", her eyes pooled with tears as she shook her head, "Thank you for that. I know you don't believe it, but… I just know it. Here", he patted his chest with his free hand, "And while your rationale might not accept it… I know a man in love. I have never doubted his love for mom, never, but… For him, you were untouchable", they shared a sad smile, "And by the way, I know you would have made an amazing mother, I know you would have made him as happy, don't ever doubt it", they hugged, not caring if curious strangers looked at them, smiling at the picture of mother and son they made.
When Hannah called her, and told her he had been diagnosed with terminal brain cancer, and was asking for her, it was the last time she considered taking a plane for him, knowing her battered heart would not be able to endure more pain.
Images of their life together, and the years apart flooded her brain, thinking back on the wasted opportunities, on the pain, on the sacrifices they both had made to reach this point.
As she reached his house, she could see everyone there. Angela, Hodgins, Cam and Paul, their children. There was also Joy, their second child, who ran the minute she saw her aunt Tempe, hugging her and crying softly into her neck as she rubbed her back soothingly.
Henry had only embraced her, telling her everything she needed to know in his silent hug, in those hands that were usually so still and that were now shaking. This was definitely goodbye.
When she met Hannah, they just embraced. She fought hard not to break down in front of the woman that had stolen him from her, knowing that if she was feeling half of the pain she was dealing with, the poor woman must be dying inside. After sniffling a bit, and sharing a silent moment, Hannah led her to their room, and left them alone just as silently, closing the door behind her, without a single word.
She took a look around the room, filled with a warm feeling. Family. There were photos everywhere, of those momentous occasions she knew he had insisted they keep for eternity, all those moments that reminded him of the better times.
She took a look at him, his eyes fluttering open as he noticed her presence. He was still as strong as she remembered him, his hair a distinguished gray, his body still remarkable for a man his age, though it was clear he had lost considerable weight due to his illness. She knew he had refused chemotherapy or radiation the moment his diagnosis came in, knowing it was a futile attempt to fight a beast that would never go down quietly.
"You came", he rasped out as he opened his eyes and saw her sitting by his side, "I never thought you would", he smiled feebly.
"You know I will always come", she replied, as she laced her hand with his, seeing him weakly reach for hers, her heart crushing at seeing him so exhausted.
"This is the last time I'll ask anything of you. Another painful task to burden you with", he said, and she shook her head, feeling how uncharacteristically cold his hand was, feeling in her skin how life was quickly leaving him.
"Booth, you never were or will ever be a burden to me. You told me once that if I considered you a friend, then I would come. So I'm here", she replied softly, trying to keep her tears at bay.
He smiled sadly, "I didn't want to tell you this before because I didn't want to cause you more grief. The doctors told me there was nothing they could do for me, that it would be pointless. Of course, Hannah was hysterical and wanted them to try something, anything", he said, and she replied, "It's only natural, Booth. You and Hannah have been married for so long, her instinct would be to protect the happiness you've had, and extend it. But I understand your reasoning. Henry told me you refused any treatment when he called", he nodded.
"I didn't want to spend my last days filled with tubes and drugs, sleeping my last days away, under a fog of drugs. I'm used to pain, so it's nothing new. I take something when it's unbearable. Hannah was so angry with me when I signed the DNR…", he said, and saw her eyes filling with tears, his own pooling as well, "But I wanted to die with whatever dignity I can. And if it came to that, I didn't want to burden her with that choice. I wanted to be lucid while I can, to take everything in. Luckily, this time I didn't hallucinate", he teased, and she smiled weakly, remembering the first time he had battled this same enemy, "I didn't want to spend my time hooked up to machines, knowing it's pointless and delaying the inevitable. I don't want that to be the last image my kids have of me".
"I understand what you mean, Booth. And while it's very difficult for everyone to deal with the hopelessness of the situation, I support it entirely, as I would choose the same course of action were I in your situation. But… it's painful nonetheless. I would have never wished this for you. Ever. You deserved more, to die of old age, next to the love of your life", she said, and he squeezed her hand softly.
He sighed, his eyes filled with sadness, "The reason I called you was because… Remember Lauren Eames?", she was startled at the reference, but nodded, "That night, in the rain, you told me the helicopter pilot had been her biggest regret", he started, and she feebly tried to stop him, putting her fingers on his dried lips, "Booth…", she weakly replied, but he tightened his grip on her hand, and kissing her fingertips gently, he pried them off his face and continued talking.
"I know I have no right to do this to you now, but… I can't leave with this on my chest. I've made my pace with God, now I need to make it with you. When I left for Afghanistan", he began, "I was angry. I was so angry at you for rejecting me. Angry at Sweets for pushing me. Angry at myself for giving in and pushing you when I knew, deep inside, you weren't ready. I guess anger was better than surrendering to the pain I was feeling, at least with anger I could function. I knew I had screwed up, and I didn't want to accept that Sweets was right, that we continued punishing each other for every missed moment. But… You need to hear me out, to hear the things that my pride and my pain didn't let me say before", she nodded, unable to stop her tears as he tugged on her hand, silently asking her to sit on the bed so they were closer.
When she was sitting on the mattress, her hand still in his, their eyes locked, he began again, "It was only when I finally cooled off, when I was finally ready to look back on things that I realized how I messed up. I made you think that you were the one to blame, when it was also my fault. I asked you to gamble, to risk the most stable relationship you'd ever had for something intangible, disregarding how you felt about relationships, how much you feared losing the people you loved. It was months after I was married, when the weight of you being gone started to sink in that I realized that I had asked everything of you, and supposedly gave you every reason, but the one you actually needed to hear", he rubbed her knuckles softly, "I never told you I loved you. I forgot that you needed to hear the words, that you would be afraid of the huge risk it would mean for the both of us, but I was too angry, too proud… So proud that when I returned, I rubbed Hannah into your face over and over again, telling myself that it was ok to do so because you didn't care, wanting to turn a blind eye to the pain I knew I was causing you, just because I wanted to validate my decision, because I…", his eyes filled with more tears, "Because I didn't want to risk my heart being broken again. So I saw what I wanted to see, that you were supposedly still the same, that our time apart hadn't changed you, when I knew it had… until that night. I know you thought I didn't care. I was an asshole, I know I broke your heart to salvage what was left of mine", he said, and she shook her head.
"Booth", she said, her own voice thick with emotion, "I… Part of me hoped that you would see that I was being honest, that I was truly… repentant, that I wanted a second chance to do it all over, but at the same time, I also knew you and Hannah were serious, and that you wouldn't leave her just because… because of me, because I was practically asking you to", she lowered her eyes, "But it hurt, because up until that moment… I hoped… I hoped I could be happy, but when the days passed and I didn't hear from you… ", their eyes met, "I knew I had made yet another mistake and decided to give up. Either way, I had lived without love during my teenage years, and my entire adult life, until I met you, and I thought I could do it again. I never regretted being your friend, Booth, never", she said as she noticed the anguish and guilt in his brown eyes, knowing he was blaming himself for her loneliness, "But in truth, it did hurt to be so close to you, and feel like indeed you were shoving Hannah into my face, though I knew your intention wasn't evil. You're only human, and I could only wonder how you felt when you had to see me with all those guys I dated, and how it must have been for you when I was with Sully, with the difference that… I knew you weren't passing time, Booth. I don't want you to blame yourself for anything. I made my choices, and so did you. And I'm happy you had the life you wanted, I truly do. That's why I left, so you didn't have to be faced with my pain and feel responsible for it", she said, her eyes shining.
"I've blamed myself since the moment I said `I do´, Bones. I did love Hannah, I do love her, but… she wasn't you. When Hank was born, part of me could only think that if I had been patient… he could have been ours", the tears started to fall freely down both their faces, "I never realized how much I took for granted that you would always be here. Sure, you always left, but we always knew you would return. But when we talked at my wedding and you told me you had chosen to go, I knew that was it. I knew you would never return, and I knew it was because of me. You have no idea how much it pained me to know that you had no one, that I made you give up on love", he sighed shakily, "While I had the perfect life, I knew you had no one to care for you, to love you like I did… do. When you returned for Henry's birth, you looked so… frail, so thin… I wanted to say so many things… I wanted to ask Hannah to relieve you of that promise, because I knew I was causing you more pain, but… I was selfish, because I wanted to have any bond with you, even if it was through my own son. It's ironic, huh, that I'm the one who gets to die with regrets?"
"Booth", she said brokenly, "I've always known you never set out to hurt me, and you were right in wanting to find your happiness. But I… I never… I never… regretted… my feelings for you. They made me more human, and yes, they caused me a pain I didn't know I would be able to face, but… somehow I survived. I found some sense of peace in my life, and I don't regret leaving, even if I have missed you every single day I've been away. I know that if I had stayed, it would have only brought us pain, it would have destroyed whatever remained of our friendship. I know I'm not easy to deal with, and that I am infuriating, and stubborn, and a complete social disaster, and when I left, I felt that you were at the limit of your patience, I saw how the things that didn't bother you before made you roll your eyes, like… you couldn't stand my shortcomings", she said shyly, not knowing how his heart was breaking at her words.
"Temperance", he said, "I will never forgive myself for making you feel that way, like… you felt you needed to change to be loved. God…", he groaned, "How could I, when I fell in love with you knowing who and how you were, when everything you were made me love you?", he sobbed, "That night, I only wanted to take you in my arms, but I also let my fear destroy us. You, Temperance, were, are, and will always be my biggest regret", she sobbed too at his words, "I told you so many things, but the one I should have, I never did: I loved you, I still do. You were always the standard. You were perfect the way you were, you were perfect to me", he said as he swallowed, "I always ached for you, and while I love my family, there hasn't been a day when I haven't asked myself how my life would have been with you. I never stopped aching for a girl with your eyes, your smile, your beautiful face and mind. I love my kids, they're… everything to me, and Hannah has been more than amazing, but…", he sighed, unable to say more.
There was a heavy silence, his grip strong still on her hand, while their eyes never left the other, "Booth, I don't want you to feel that way. I never held it against you. That is why I removed myself from the equation, to give you the space you needed to build your life without regrets, to be happy without being constantly reminded of those what ifs. Every time I heard about your accomplishments, when I knew you were happy… I felt happy too", she said, not even drying her tears, knowing only more would come, "I wanted you to have a life filled with love, with happiness, with laughter. And you had it. That made everything worthwhile to me. My regret was not being the woman to give you all those things, but Rebecca said it to me once, and I forgot when I should have remembered: if you let the moment pass you by, it goes away to never return. And", she sighed heavily, "You also need to know… I did love you. I… I love you, and that love, while painful, taught me a lot of things. I don't want you thinking that I rejected you because I didn't love you, I rejected you because the thought of making you unhappy was unbearable to me, and I wanted to hold on to you in any way, and if being partners was all I would get to, I was willing to take it. What I didn't realize is how much it would change things", she said sadly, "But I don't regret your happiness, Booth, or the pain I had to go through. That was the only thing that meant anything to me. As long as you were happy, it was all ok".
"Bones…", he said, "Hannah might have had me all these years, but the part of me that was yours… It never faded", she brushed his forehead with her fingers, his eyes closing at the contact, her heart clenching at seeing his ashen complexion, knowing it was perhaps due to the oxygen he wasn't getting.
"I wish it had, Booth. So you didn't have to face this right now", she replied, and he shook his head.
"No, Temperance. Loving you made me a better man. Even after you left, I always thought of you, of what you would say to me if I made a certain choice… I wish I hadn't been so blind, so proud", he said.
"We both were", she replied.
"Do you… do you think you can… forgive me?", he said, his eyes red already from his tears, and she shook her head.
"There's nothing to forgive", they shared one of their moments, everything blurring into the distance as their eyes locked.
"You continue to be so beautiful", he said, and she smiled sadly.
"I find that hard to believe", he shook his head, "No, Bones. You are. In my eyes, you'll always be. I missed your eyes so much", he said, and she noticed how pale he was getting, and how his breathing was slowing down, "I look at you, and I still see the same amazing woman that stole my heart, all those years ago".
She feared this would be the end, and she tried to stand to call them all back in, but he shook his head, reading her intent, "No, Bones. Just stay", he said.
"But Hannah… and the kids…they'll want to be here when…", he shook his head once again, "I already said my goodbyes to them. They had me for all these years… I want my final moments to be with you, as I always dreamed of", he tugged on her hand gently, until she was lying on her side, facing him, his eyes locked on her face.
"Would you sing to me?", he asked, and she tearfully nodded, "ok".
She could literally see the life leaving him steadily, and she started singing to him Keep on trying, her voice remarkably steady through her tears.
He smiled gently, and when she was done, she leaned forward to kiss his forehead. He gave her a sad smile, "Even if the Big Guy sends me to Hell for this… would you kiss me, one last time?"
She knew she couldn't refuse him, them, this last moment, so she leaned and gave him the most tender, loving, passionate kiss she could, their lips dancing sweetly, both crying when they broke for air.
"Will be waiting for you, Bones", she nodded, "We'll meet there", he moved his head until he was resting on her bicep, their foreheads touching until he smiled softly, and closed his eyes, whispering, "Love you forever", long moments passing without a word, and she noticed his breaths were becoming more ragged and labored, and she knew he was going, "Love you always", she whispered, and it seemed it was all he was waiting for because with that, he smiled one last time and stopped breathing.
Her eyes brimmed with tears, and she held him against her, sobbing lightly as she rocked him gently, feeling his warmth before it began slipping away. She kissed him, "Hope I see you soon, my love. I hope there is truly a heaven so I can see you there".
B&B&B&B&B&B
ICU room
In the hospital room, she had been whimpering and when she started crying again, he became desperate. The nurse entered, seemingly she had seen her heart rate was increasing on the monitors, but when she noticed she was dreaming again, she smiled indulgently, seeing the distress on his face, knowing there was nothing to be done.
"Talk to her. Many believe those in commas can still hear us. Tell her things you know she would like to hear, things that could calm her. There's nothing else any of us can do", he nodded, and waited for the woman to leave before speaking.
"Baby, please. Whatever you're dreaming of, please, hear me. I know you can. My love, please, I'm here. I love you so much", he whispered against her skin, "I need you to know that. Bones, don't be afraid, I'm here. I'll never leave", she didn't stop crying, those hot tears leaving her closed eyelids, "Never again".
"Please, God!", he pleaded, "Please, don't let her go through this, she's had enough pain already. If you want, take me, make me suffer, but never her. I beg you", he said, while he kissed her soft skin, "Don't let her pay for my mistakes. Don't take her from me", he cried, hiding his face against her uninjured side.
B&B&B&B
When she was back through the garden, she fell to the floor, sobbing again, this time feeling warmth engulf her. Her mother's arms were around her.
"Mom", she cried against her chest, "I can't, not anymore".
Christine smiled sadly, "I know now you saw how your lives will be if you continue down this road. The pain you'll both carry, even if you consciously take such different paths", her daughter cried uncontrollably, her whole body shaking.
"If what you say it's true and this is my mind showing me what I know, how can I trust that this isn't just what I want to believe? That even if he marries her, a part of him will always love me?", she said, and Christine waited for her to dry her tears.
"You could, and even more when you asked him for a chance and he refused you… But Temperance… one of his most outstanding qualities is being loyal. I already said it, and deep inside, he hasn't given up. He's trying to mend his bruised heart. Now", she said, "You have to go through that road"
"I can't", she said weakly, and Christine said.
"Close your eyes. Feel him. He's right next to you", she did, and started listening to him, to his prayer for God to spare her and take him instead.
Her eyes brimmed with tears, "He's telling me that he loves me, that he's always with me, he's… praying for me", Christine nodded.
"Do you think a man who is just a friend or a partner would offer his own happiness to the God he believes so fiercely in for a woman he doesn't love when he supposedly loves another?", she asked, "Honey, you already know the answer. It's time you go and face the life you could have had, the life that you could live, if you both would just let go of the fear, the anger, the resentment you're holding on to. Go", she said, and Brennan hesitantly walked, her heart thundering in her chest before another light engulfed everything.
Quite angsty, I know, but don't worry… Next chappie will be Brennan seeing the happy side of the coin…
I hope you are still getting the point of the exercise… what it means for Brennan to see what her life could be like depending on her choices…
Musie is greedy… Musie loves reviews… Musie needs to know you're still with her… I promise I'll do my best to update sooner, as long as my body allows me too… and musie will definitely write faster if she knows you're still there…