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Gibbs pressed the car keys into McGee's hand and slid into the backseat with his agent. Tony wore an unfamiliar expression. He was always so carefree and fun loving, so it was unusual to see him tense and nervous. Every muscle in his face and neck was taut, and the rest of him seemed anxious. Between bouts of shivering, Gibbs half expected him to snap at the least bit of provocation, which is one of the reasons he wanted McGee to drive.

For the first hour, nothing was said. Tim sent occasional glances to the backseat where he could see Tony in his rear view mirror, but he just stared out the window at the passing scenery. The second hour proved different.

"I'm sorry, Boss."

Tim could barely hear him but a glance in the mirrow saw Tony with a downcast gaze, confirming that he had indeed said something.

Gibbs had spent the better part of the ride digesting her words. Now, he had to tread carefully if he was going to be any help to his agent. "What happened back there?" he asked quietly, hoping the question alone wouldn't shut him down.

Tony swallowed, struggling with his thoughts, and the words to tell his boss what had happened without revealing a past that he was ashamed of. "She brought back a lot of bad memories." Staring out the window again, but clearly not seeing the scenery anymore, he tried to continue. "I went through… She tried to… I mean, when I was…" he didn't know how to begin and finally stopped trying. He slunk down further into the seat.

If Tim hadn't been witnessing it, he would not have believed it. Tony looked embarrassed, and coming from a man who was virtually impossible to shame, that stunned him. He looked back at the road, affording his colleague some semblance of privacy.

Gibbs saw Tony's jaw muscles clenching and releasing, and then he heard the heavier yet shakier breathing, and realized that Tony was physically showing signs of distress, something he'd only seen on one other occasion.

"Just breathe normally and it'll come to you."

Another twenty minutes passed in silence. Finally, Tony inhaled, taking in the cool air, and forcing his brain to function again. Slowly, he began telling his story, "There was an event in my life that I wish I could just forget about but that's not exactly possible. It was a dark and dangerous time and… well, I don't ever think about it, haven't thought about it in years, and I never practice—" he cut himself off, averting his eyes again and rerouting his thoughts, hoping he hadn't given too much of himself away already. He let a minute pass before continuing, "I've spent years burying it and thought I'd done a decent job of forgetting, at least until she came along," he said, dropping his head and fumbling with his hands.

Gibbs observed, balancing on that fine line of time between pushing for too much information and waiting too long. He finally asked, "What did she do?"

Tim waited. Another five minutes elapsed before he spoke, and to Tim, it was like Tony was rehearsing his words before he said each one.

"She knew all the right things to say to me, and she tapped into feelings that—" his hand shot to his temple and he rubbed, hoping to stop the pain before it took hold of him. "I didn't know what she wanted at first." He stopped as if thinking about something else, then added, "…just like her."

Shaking his head back to the present, he continued, "When I realized what it was she was after, I knew it was wrong, but I didn't know how to stop her, and the awful thing is, I'm not sure I wanted to," he had added, barely audible. "But when she touched me, it was like a hot iron, and the memories started to come back, slowly at first, but then they were everywhere and I told her that I didn't want any part of this anymore. But she never heard me, Boss. Just like she never heard me then, either."

Gibbs was having a tough time following some of what Tony was saying, but he figured it would all fall into line eventually if he treaded softly. "What kind of memories?"

Tony rubbed both temples now trying to assuage the throbbing. "Bad memories of something that happened to me a long time ago. I got involved in a world that nobody should ever be a part of, much less know exists. It's painful, humiliating, and secretive, and comes with few pleasures, although, admittedly, extremely intense ones."

"Who did this to you?" Gibbs whispered, understanding the importance of keeping the conversation moving along now that he was talking.

McGee studied his colleague. He was genuinely distraught and it was unnerving for Tim to see him like that. Tony was always so confident and self-assured, and to see him this way was something new. But he couldn't help but wonder what it was like to be part of that world, the S&M world. As a federal agent, he'd actually seen very little of it. It seemed exclusive to the very rich, the ones who didn't often get caught at such things. He had read about it once in one of his forensics' classes, but even then, there was a lot that law enforcement didn't know, other than it was virtually impossible to get any sort of conviction.

Tony rolled down his window and let the cold air blow on his face. It felt good. He began to wonder what his colleagues would think of him if they knew his past. He only really cared about one, and he couldn't bring himself to look at him right now. Maybe this is all a bad dream and he'd wake up and realize it wasn't really happening. He leaned his head back at the pathetic thought.

Gibbs waited patiently, but he didn't learn anything more. Tony had closed his eyes and was alone to fight his own demons.

TBC

Short chapter, but I'm trying to bring it to a close. To those who have commented and caught some of my mistakes give yourself a piece of chocolate! You deserve it! Many thanks. ~Jasmine