First of all, ever-present disclaimer. Nothing is mine. Zilch, zero, nada, nothing, rien de tout. Everything belongs to HH, SN and Fox. I just use them for fun.
I have to continue thanking those of you who have reviewed and/or added me to your alerts/favorites. It humbles me that you have continued to be on this ship… It's all a writer wants. Thus, the long chappie.
As usual, all comments are accepted into good stride.
Again, I want to make something clear. I know that to many, Brennan is OOC, but in truth, if the series had continued exploring the meltdown she had on 6x09, the path would have turned out to be much darker. I seriously think that for someone who has so many difficulties in opening up and expressing feelings, the weight of rejection and realizing what they have lost, but not being able to do something about it is much harder than for people who can share their emotions openly and fight for what they want. Brennan is emotionally scarred and scared (pardon the play on words, hihi!), and it would be much harder for her to move on and accept what was happening to her, even if all the episodes leading to these made her seem cool and aloof (see, I did it again!) For example, that final scene in 6x02 when they leave her alone or that sad look she was so valiantly trying to hide in 6x03 when she realizes Booth wasn't thanking her… to me, all signs of the shell beginning to crack.
Well, now that I've bothered you enough, let's continue…
The nurses and doctors had swiftly entered the room after Max told them his daughter had regained consciousness. Booth's heart broke as she whimpered when he had to let go of her hand so the doctors and nurses could work on her, but despite the people hovering over her, he continued reassuring her, with soothing words, that he would only leave her side when she did ask him to. The moment the doctors finished their exams, he instantly rushed to her side, and held her hand as he again took his seat by her side.
The doctors were pleased as the exams proved she hadn't suffered lasting neurological damage, but they had decided to keep her in the ICU for another day for observation, and move her to a private room when they were absolutely certain she was completely stable. They assessed her wound, and dressed it, Booth's chest clenching as he saw the pain she felt as they passed the gauzes and antibiotic wipes across her scarred skin, and closed his eyes, not even the slightest bit regretful that it had been his hand that had taken Taffet's life. He knew he needed to go to confession, because the pain his Bones had suffered was enough to erase any notion of repentance for him to be forgiven.
"Booth?", she asked tiredly, and he instantly replied, "What, Bones? What is it?", he caressed her forehead softly, letting her take her time.
"Parker?", he nodded, knowing she needed to know her effort had been for nothing, "He was here earlier, Bones. He's ok. You saved him, there's not a scratch on him", he said tenderly, "He was worried sick about you, but he had the faith we all needed. He said you wouldn't leave us, and he was right".
"I was so scared…", she rasped out, and seeing the look in his eyes, pained and vulnerable, she continued, "I need to… get this out", she said, "When I saw Taffet aiming for him, I was scared in a way I had never been before, not even when I was faced with Kenton or even when Taffet buried me underground. The mere idea… of her hurting him… I couldn't breathe, Booth", he leaned and kissed her forehead with all the tenderness he could muster. If his heart hadn't feel like it was about to burst from the moment he saw her lunge her body in harm's way so Parker would be spared, her words were enough to lead him to the breaking point. "I couldn't let her hurt… your little boy. I know he's not mine… But the need I felt to protect him… was so instinctual", she didn't want to hurt him, but she had to be honest. "I don't know how, but somehow I realized Hannah's instinctual response was letting go of him, and I knew… I knew he was the target Taffet had chosen to take her revenge on us. She knew, Booth… that it would kill the both of us if she succeeded", Booth pressed his forehead against hers and spoke.
"I saw everything. I saw how you tried to taunt her so her attention was on you, and you're right, Bones. She chose Parker, knowing what it would do to me, to us, if she won", he inhaled deeply, responding with the same honesty he could see in her crystalline blue depths, "I won't deny it, Bones, it broke my heart when I saw Hannah letting go of him", he admitted, "But when I saw you reach out to him, I knew, inside me, he would be fine", she could see both the pain he felt at acknowledging the woman he currently loved hadn't stepped up to the challenge as he expected her to, and the admiration, and perhaps even tenderness, he felt towards her. However, she feared that all he felt was provoked by a rush of gratitude.
"I'm sorry", she swallowed, "I am so sorry… Booth", he shook his head, "I never… mean to hurt you".
"No, no, no, Bones. You got it all wrong. I have a million reasons to thank you, you saved my little boy. What broke my heart was realizing Hannah was never as invested in our relationship as I was. I trusted her with the thing I value, love the most, and she failed me", he said, staring into saddened blue eyes, tainted with remorse and sympathy.
"Did you… Booth", she sighed so she could gather her thoughts and say the right thing, "I know you love her… and I hope things are ok between you once the initial shock this all provoked fades and you can think more clearly. You might be angry at her, but you need to be aware that perhaps she was just scared, and… reacted out of instinct, as she hasn't been… around Parker that much for their bond to become as strong as you desire", she tried to fix things for him. She hated that he was in pain again, her heart filled with distress as she remembered how she had begged Hannah not to delude him if she wasn't truly determined to give Booth all of her, how she had tried to make Hannah realize that Booth would give all of him to her, and that his heart would be crushed if things between them didn't succeed when she had gone to her office to ask her for advice on a welcoming gift for her moving with Booth.
"You can't give me that, Temperance", he whispered, startling her as he went for her given name, "Because then, your instinct was to protect him, not to save yourself. Things are over between Hannah and I", hearing her low, startled gasp, he quickly clarified, "Bones, I'm sad things ended like this, because a part of me did truly love her, but looking back at things, I'm not sad that they did", seeing her confused expression, he chuckled lightly, "What I mean is, a part of me always knew, even if I was trying to deny it, you're it for me, Bones, I'm still that guy, and though I did love Hannah, my love for you is a thousand times greater and stronger", her eyes pooled with tears, "I know right now the only thing on your mind should be healing and getting better, but I want you to know that when you get out of here, no matter how long it takes me, I'm going to fight for our 30, 40, 50 years together, and you're not going to stop me, and no matter how hard you fight me, I'm going to prove to you we can be good together, we can be happy together, and you're going to let me, ok?", he smiled sheepishly at her, but his voice was filled with such certainty, she couldn't help but smile slightly as much as she could in her condition; however, there was still a weariness around her heart that didn't let her go of the rein she had on her emotions completely. She had been too hurt, and her survival instinct was kicking in, even if her metaphorical heart was grasping at anything that might give her the hope that all was not lost.
Booth saw a million emotion cross through her eyes, and he saw them sparkle with something undecipherable as he spoke of a happy future together; but there was a also a tint of fear of letting go, and he knew it was the past months that had done that to her. He knew that she was afraid of trusting him with her heart, and he couldn't blame her, because he had failed her in all possible ways. He had made her scared again of love and of her emotions.
"I would like that, Booth, because I've missed you, so very much", she rasped out, and he lowered his head, pain filling his chest as he realized how badly he had hurt them both with his choices. She had rejected him, out of fear, but she had never given up on him, she had never stopped being his friend and partner, and despite the fact that he was shoving his relationship with Hannah in her face, she had remained loyal and brave, right next to him.
"Me too. And I promise you, when you're better, we'll talk some more, and start fixing things", he vowed, and that earned him another tight smile, but a smile nonetheless.
He saw her eyes drop, the doctors had given her some painkillers during their examination, knowing she would become aware of the pain in her tender neck soon, and he smiled as he saw her try to fight the wave of sleepiness.
"Don't fight it", he whispered, "Sleep, my Bones. I'll be here when you wake, and every day after that", now she gave him a loopy, drugged smile, but her eyes were shinning with emotion.
"I know. It's just so disconcerting that all I've done these days is sleep… But I'll see you in my dreams, Booth", her head started falling to the side, and she gave in to the pull of the drugs; surrendering to sleep didn't seem so enticing anymore because she knew she had much to wake up for. Though she knew the hard truths she needed to tell him hadn't been said yet, she was determined to recover her strength and set the record straight so they could have the future they deserved.
B&B&B&B&B&B&B&B&B
As the doctors had promised, given that her condition had remained stable, the next day she was moved to a private room. Despite his protests that he couldn't leave her, Booth had been called away to give his statement on what had happened, for the official record, as he had not only fired his weapon, but taken a life, though they were all certain no one was going to blame him of excessive use of force where Taffet was concerned. Max had been hovering over her in case she needed anything, but he had wisely decided to let her ruminate on her thoughts while they waited for Booth to return, and did not engage her in conversation. The doctors had told them it was best to hold the visits for another day, since she was still in pain and weak from the blood loss. It reminded them that having survived such a serious wound had been nothing but a strike of good luck. When she was finally in her room, and she was not under the effects of heavy sedation, she had asked them to explain what happened to her, and she could only conclude, as Booth would say, that it was a miracle that she was still between the living and breathing. She had had a very narrow escape, and it was perhaps another proof that she was running out of chances to make her life what she truly wanted it to be. Even if she had been living the life she expected, she had realized that it was not turning out to be the life she wanted.
Her silence was also brought on by the fact that she was still trying to make sense of everything her vivid dream had awoken inside her. As the empiricist and rationalist she had always prided herself to be, she knew that what she had seen could be nothing but her ailing brain finding an outlet for the stress her body had been subjected to, physically and emotionally. However, despite the rational outtake of her thoughts, there was also the startling realization that whether it was a rush of chemicals triggering emotions and images within her brain, all the images and emotions she had felt were very much real and valid, and she was shaken by them.
Analyzing every pathway shown to her, she could only accept them for being true. She was aware that if she and Booth continued on the same pathway they had been threading for the past months, eventually, there would come a point when they would no longer find their way to each other. She was very much aware that they had been slowly but steadily pulling away, even more since her tearful confession in his SUV, and the subsequent rejection she had gotten as an answer. She knew him, and she knew his response hadn't been born out of a sense of petty revenge against her for her previous refusal of him; it was his loyalty towards the woman he was currently involved with that had also made him say no to her. Booth was completely loyal, and that sense of loyalty prevented him from lying or cheating on someone he had feelings for, particularly for someone as invested in finding the truth as he was. If he had accepted her advances, he wouldn't have responded as the Booth she knew and loved. However, the coldness she had sensed in him that night was what had truly shaken her, and made her realize that indeed, she had missed her chance with him. It had also given her a glimpse into a Booth she didn't know, as she couldn't deny either the hurt she felt as she saw him pulling away from their chosen family, and how he had extricated himself from many important moments. She couldn't forget the guilt either, as she blamed herself, knowing this was the result of a long chain of events that had started when she started considering running away from her emotions.
But despite their friendship, which had held on due to some strange miracle, the strain of keeping the façade to mask the pain they were both carrying for their mistakes regarding one another would end up breaking them up for good. Eventually he could come to see that Hannah was the better choice for him in the end, and forget about her and leave her.
However, she had once read that loving someone wasn't about what was best for you, but finding the person your heart beat the most for. And for her, Booth was exactly that. Perhaps Hannah was the better choice for him: she was emotionally healthy, socially adept, beautiful and smart, but despite the awareness of her own emotional handicaps, she knew Hannah couldn't love Booth the way she did. She just knew that Hannah would never be able to make a sacrifice like the one she had just been doing for months so he was happy, renouncing everything so he found the life he wanted for himself, not speaking a word about her desires so his peace wasn't disrupted. Except her outburst after he saved her from being run by a car: she had blamed herself heavily as she realized how she had lost the control she had always had over her actions and emotions, but at that point, she knew she owed to him and to herself to, for once, speak from the bottom of her metaphorical heart, and bare herself before him. She realized that Hannah and her were very much alike, that they both went after what they wanted, but in her case, she had refrained from doing exactly so regarding Booth, just because she thought it was the best for him.
She was surprised to find such clarity as, like in a movie, she recalled perfectly succession of images in her dream. She recalled perfectly that "her mother" had told her that she wasn't an apparition, that indeed, her brain had found a safe outlet to show her what would eventually happen if her choices leaned towards one side or the other. And she couldn't deny that logically, what had she had been presented could eventually happen, because in either case, it was the logical scenario.
She had fought tears as she recalled the beauty of their reality together, of how perfectly their lives had entwined to create a harmony of emotion and love, how, as with everything between them, they had worked side by side to create a family that was proverbially the stuff dreams were made of. She had also had the presence of mind to realize that perfection didn't mean they didn't find many bumps along the way, but that in the process of overcoming them, their hands never let go, their paths never strayed, and they had prevailed. Comparing it to the heartbreak the other side of her dream reality had shown her, what she had seen could only be heaven. Seeing Booth being happy without her, only to die in her arms afterwards, both filled with an insurmountable amount of regrets as they both realized they had wasted their lives wrapped up in wounded pride and pain, made her realize that her decision to tell him what she felt wasn't wrong after all. She still didn't want to die with regrets, but still, she needed to protect what was left of her heart, at least while he made clear what ground they were standing on.
She was thankful for the brief respite she had gotten as Booth had been called away to give his statement. She had seen his distress over breaking his promise not to leave her bedside, but she had gently, but persistently, encouraged him to go home, take a shower, shave and rest while she bonded with Max. While all of that was true, she also needed a few moments to herself so she didn't break down in front of him. Now that she could think more clearly, she knew that before she gave in to her emotions, they had to make things clear. The initial rush of emotions that met them as she first woke up and they realized they still had another chance for a future had passed, and she needed to keep her mind clear so they didn't make another mistake.
She was certain that she wasn't about to rationalize her emotions for him again, however, she knew they needed to set things straight. Deep inside, she feared that this sudden need and devotion he was showing her was only brought on by gratitude for saving Parker, and anger at Hannah for failing to act as his son's protector. It was a rational fear, since only short weeks ago he had rejected her openly, saying Hannah "wasn't a consolation prize", and that indeed, he loved her.
She couldn't deny either that before they left for the opposite sides of the world, he had told her he had been certain they were leading towards finally acknowledging what they felt for each other, that asking her to give them a shot hadn't been born out of nowhere, and as a woman, she could understand he had seen her rejection as lack of love on her behalf, and she could even see how he would think he was the only one investing his emotions in their relationship, and give up on the idea accordingly.
She remembered how he had vowed he would fight for their 30, 40 or 50 years together right after she woke, and her heart leaped when she recalled how he had said things had ended with Hannah, and that he had loved her, all in past tense, meaning that during her slumber, something had happened between them. Knowing him, she was aware he must have been angry as he had allowed himself to trust Hannah with Parker. She was also painfully aware that he must be blaming himself, as her time with Parker had been cut drastically short as Booth had been so determined to include Hannah in everything, making a statement to her and the world that he was doing everything to make that relationship work.
What she was hurt about was that Hannah hadn't realized how privileged she was to have such amazing men in her life, the gift she was receiving of being loved by them. She had never wanted children until she met Parker, and then, after dealing with the heartbreak that meant having to give up baby Andy to the Grants, she had realized she had only been stifling her maternal instinct inside, and even more, her instinct to have a family of her own. The gist was that the only man she saw herself having that family with was Booth. That was why she had dared ask him to give her his sperm for a child: she could now accept that she had asked him because she wanted a part of him with her, for always, and at that point in time, she wasn't ready to admit that her love for him was already taking root inside her heart.
Max, unable to stand the heavy silence around them, seeing her stare aimlessly out the window, gently took her hand, and rubbed it, feeling how cold it still was, though not as cold as it had been when she was stuck in a limbo somewhere between life and death.
"What's got you thinking so hard honey?", he asked softly, and she turned tired blue eyes on him, and tried to give him a shaky smile, happy that she had him with her to get her through this.
"Everything. It's just that lately I've realized the life I've built for myself, while it is exactly what I expected it to be, is turning out to be… ", knowing she could trust Max with the information, she continued, "somewhat empty. I mean, I'm the most successful in my field, but… Lately, I've felt so… alone", she said, "Everyone has been building their lives, moving forward, and I feel like I'm stuck in the same place while everyone… evolves", she needed to admit this to someone, and she knew that her father could be very understanding, without judging her.
He nodded thoughtfully, "I get what you mean. Everyone is finding their own way, and you feel like you were left behind, that all those changes happened and you weren't involved", she nodded shakily, and he shook his head, his heart breaking for his little girl, "And the one who hurts you the most is Booth, isn't he?", her eyes filled with tears, and he tenderly brought her hand to his lips, and kissed it.
He inhaled deeply, "Honey, I don't know if I will ever truly earn your forgiveness", seeing her confused look, he continued, "Leaving you behind was the hardest thing I ever did. When your mother told me it was the only choice, that it was the only way so you and Russ could be safe, I initially refused, but it came to a struggle between saving your lives and risking your happiness. And your mother and I could only hope that as long as you were together, someday you would both heal, but what she didn't count on was that Russ would leave; out of the two of you, you were the one who suffered the most", he wiped the tears that were falling from her eyes, "I know all of us leaving we made you fearful of loving, of opening yourself. You were socially awkward, and it wasn't easy for you to relate to people, but with us, you were always so open, so… full of life… And it has always hurt me to see what our abandonment did to you. But you need to get past that, and you need Booth is a good man, sweetheart, he truly is. Though as a man, I understand why he would go and find somebody else, as your father, I hate him for the pain he put you through", he said softly, and she shook her head.
"It's not like that, Daddy", the term surprised him, but it warmed his heart as he realized how low her guard finally was around him, and it made him ache as he realized how scared she must have been, "He asked me for a chance, but I turned him down. I… I only wanted his happiness, and I wasn't sure… I am still not sure if I'm capable of giving him that happiness, that commitment. He has suffered much in life, he has his own wounds as well", she licked her dry lips, "And I want to give myself to him, but I am scared", she confessed, "I want to experience what all of you experience. I want to be able to embrace life so openly, so fearlessly, but that's not me, Dad. I want to be able to jump into the void with no fear of the consequences, but… I had to learn how to walk through life, with no one by my side, and I don't know… if there's hope for me. Rationally…", she decided to share part of the realization her dream had given her, "I know that if I keep doing things this way, I'll end up bitter and alone, and I also know that if I open myself, I can find a life that is joyful, that is filled with love, but… I don't know how to let go. Being cautious was the only way I found to protect myself", Max tenderly caressed her forehead.
"My poor baby girl, what did we do to you?", his eyes were filled with tears, "It's ok", he said huskily, "It's not wrong for you to be afraid, but I don't want fear to be the only thing to rule your life, baby. You can make a rational choice to become stronger than your fear. You are the strongest person I've ever met. And you also have a great capacity to love, but you just haven't allowed yourself to let go. It doesn't help that you've been disappointed time and time again, but baby, despite what happened, as a man, I can see, objectively, that Booth loves you. I know he's repentant, that he's sorry he let his pain take over his decisions", she shook her head.
"But that's the thing, Dad, I don't want Booth to be with me out of pity, or gratitude. I want him to want to be with me, because I'm… me"¸ she said softly, "I know I'm not the easiest person in the world to love, but… I don't know if I'll survive another heartbreak, Dad. I'm not that strong", Max carefully gathered her in his arms, and her hand came around his waist while he held her.
"Just listen to your heart. You know what the right choice is, honey. Don't be afraid to make it, and whatever you choose, remember you are not alone in the world. You have a family that loves you, both your blood family, us, and you have the squints. I saw them here, while you were sleeping, and the pain they had in their eyes, that can only be love", she hid her head on his chest, feeling safe in his embrace, for the first time feeling strong enough to let go of her heart with him.
"Thank you, Dad", she said softly, "I love you. I know I don't say it often, but… I'm so grateful to have you back in my life", Max pressed a soft kiss against her temple, and after a few moments, laid her down on the bed, smiling tenderly at her, "You are so much like your mother it scares me sometimes", her lips curved in a tired smile, as her head fell back against her pillow, closing her eyes for a moment, feeling the rush of peace that came from this moment between them. She was surprised, as she was acting way out of her normal patterns, but it felt good to allow this hidden part of her to rise to the surface.
Their silence was interrupted, however, when two light taps on her door made her open her eyes and saw Booth on the threshold, holding a bouquet of daffodils, and looking sheepish, in his dress shirt and suit pants, sans tie and jacket. Their eyes met, and it was Max who took it upon himself to break the silence, "How did it go? Everything ok?", Booth nodded, and entered the room, standing by the foot of her bed.
"They just needed to have the official record of what happened. Even if Taffet had escaped, they wanted to make certain I hadn't used excessive force to contain her", he explained.
"And didn't you?", Max arched an eyebrow, and Booth sighed, seeing no malice despite the question. If there was someone who understood what it was like to take a life so your loved ones were spared, and not feel an ounce of remorse for it, it was Max Keenan.
"I wasn't about to deny that ever since she took Bones, and then me, I always felt she would always be a threat to us. She was not one to go down quietly, and I'm not denying that knowing she's truly gone makes me sleep much better at night, but... there's no pride in taking a life. If there had been other people involved, I would have done the exact same thing. I'm not truly repentant that she's done with, but I am not glad either, if that makes sense", Max nodded.
"Makes perfect sense, Booth. And you did good. The world is a much safer place without her in it", Booth stared into his eyes. Now he could understand why Max hadn't hesitated into killing Delaney or Kirby. That was why, in turn, he hadn't hesitated into killing Gormogon, or in taking Taffet out. He knew they both shared the same fierce love for the woman lying in bed before them, and that gave him a sense of comfort he never thought he would feel.
Switching his eyes to her, he smiled gently, "So, how did you behave while I was out? Were you the perfect patient?", there was a twinkle in his eyes she recognized as teasing, and her lips curved in a gentle smile.
"As much as I could. Though I understand perfectly the need for me to rest so the speed of my recovery isn't thwarted, I find myself quite tired from doing nothing", both men smiled.
"Aw Bones, if you can talk squinty, that means you're fine. You'll be back on your feet in no time", he replied, and she bit her lip.
"I do hope so, because I intensely dislike hospitals. They smell dreadful", she complained lightly, and he chuckled, moving to the side of her bed, and taking an empty vase, moving quickly to the bathroom to fill it with water, and then arranged the flowers as best as he could, leaving it next to her, the flower's discreet perfume starting to permeate the air.
"Problem solved", he said, and she smiled a bit brighter, though after a few seconds, her smile faded, and Max understood what was needed of him.
"Well, now that you're here, I will go to the cafeteria. I'm starving. Besides, I have this craving for some coffee and chocolate cake. Take care of her, Booth", he said, and bent down to kiss her forehead. She gave him a grateful smile, knowing he had understood her need to talk to Booth without interruptions now that the daze the drugs had her in had faded, and she could think clearly.
"Thanks, Daddy", Max nodded, and turning on his heels, finally let them alone.
Booth moved to the chair Max had just vacated, and sat right next to her, taking her hand, just as he had done all this time.
A heavy silence followed, and sighing deeply, she stared into his eyes, and said, "We need to talk, Booth", he nodded.
"Go ahead", he replied, and waited until she pressed the buttons on the side of the bed so her back was a bit straighter.
"I need you to understand something, Booth", she started, "Now that the shock of what happened has worn off, I feel we owe it to ourselves to be honest, for the first time perhaps in months. I am willing to accept my share of responsibility for what happened between us, but you got to know, Booth, I am hurt", his eyes got a pained look, and she squeezed his hand, "I don't mean to hurt you, I never have, Booth. Not even when I refused you was that ever my intention. We've never talked about what happened, and I need you to hear my side of it", he nodded somberly, but his hand never left hers as their fingers entwined. He was comforted that even if he knew she was going to air some harsh truths, at least she was letting him be close enough.
"I am now ready to accept that my parents leaving left an imprint so deep in my emotional core I was unable to fully engage, or let myself love or be loved. At least until I met you. I may have blackmailed you into this partnership, but I was afraid, Booth. I still am. When we met… I was intent on not letting anyone in. I had been hurt and disappointed too many times by the people I was supposed to trust, and I didn't want to risk my heart again. But you came and changed everything. Perhaps at the beginning I was torn between the physical attraction that pulled me to you, or the exasperation you evoked in me as you dismissed all science had to offer", she smiled slightly at him before becoming serious again, "But then, you became more. You became my friend, my only true friend, Booth", he squeezed her hand, knowing everything she was saying was the truth, "You've always been my friend, above all things. That night, in the rain, outside the pool bar? The reason I turned you down is because that, even if back then I wasn't ready to admit that indeed, as you said, I also felt whatever was between us could go somewhere, I wasn't ready to let you in. But as I met you, as I saw past your scars and I let you see past mine, you became such an integral part of my life. That night, in front of the Hoover, I was afraid to lose that. You were the only constant I had, and when you asked me for a chance to be more, I felt like the Earth beneath my feet was crumbling. I was terrified of losing you. And the irony behind all of this is that indeed, even by trying to hold on to you, I lost you", she tilted her body slightly so she could press her free hand to his lips and stall the protest she knew that was coming, "I knew going to Maluku was perhaps the biggest gamble I could take, and I hoped that by being there, I could figure out who I was, without you. I was afraid, Booth. I still am. I saw that my life without you in it had no meaning. That even if I was achieving every accomplishment I set for myself, I felt empty, and alone without you. Out of all of us, as I told Angela, I'm the only one living the life I expected, but that doesn't mean I continue to be happy that I managed to accomplish that. And when I saw Lauren Eames…", her eyes filled with tears, "I became terrified. I thought many times, during those days, that if something happened to me, the memory of me would fade, that the marks I would leave on the world would be those of a professional nature, but nothing personal. You told me once that we all leave marks on the people we leave behind, and I wondered what kind of mark I was going to leave on the people who claim to love me. Sure, she was an amazing scientist, no one was better than her, but she was nothing more than an ice queen", she put on a fake voice, and Booth's heart clenched at the raw pain oozing from every word, "And I had to admit that I've wrapped myself so tightly in my science all people see is that. Loving comes so easily to you, Booth. You are hurt by it, and still you are brave enough to put yourself out there, time and time again, and you continue trying, without caring that you might be hurt, or disappointed or abandoned. I am not like that, Booth. And perhaps you didn't understand why it was so hard for me to trust Russ or my dad when they came back. It was because", her eyes filled with hot tears, "Every single time I looked at them, I remembered all that was stripped from me, my capacity to love and trust. Every time I saw them, I remembered how every foster family told me I was worth nothing, and that my family had left me because they couldn't deal with such an awkward, unlovable person", Booth's eyes widened, as that part of her history had never been revealed to him in such an awful detail. "And then, in your SUV, when I told you I had regrets, perhaps all I need was to know that despite my mistakes, I could be loved, I deserved to be loved. And I always understood why you told me no. Even if your love for Hannah wasn't that strong, your sense of duty and truth would never allow you to lie to her or to me. But it hurt, Booth, it hurt knowing that I am so scarred inside I lost my chance at being happy. I told you once, perhaps I am one of those people who don't get to be in a family", she turned her head to the side away from him and shut her eyelids tightly, feeling the sting of tears burn a trail down her face to her temple, and it was the warmth of his fingers on her face that startled her enough for him to be able to make her face him.
"That is not true, Temperance", he said softly, "And you are more capable of love than anyone I know", at her disbelieving scoff, he willed his voice to sound stronger, "No, Temperance, it is the truth. I saw your heart from the earliest days of our partnership. Even when we wanted to rip each other to shreds, I could see it. I could see it when you comforted Shawn Cook. You understood what he needed, and you eased his fears", he said, his voice soft and tender, "I saw it, when you dropped everything to help your friend find her missing boyfriend, and you didn't rest until she found out the truth. I saw you slowly open your heart to your father and your brother, learning to forgive them, even if they left you with nothing", his thumb started caressing her now damp cheeks, "I saw you with Kelly Morris, how you let her know that the weight of the world was not on her shoulders, how you comforted her, how you understood why she would take the blame and make her see it was the wrong thing to do", he said tenderly, "I saw you with Andy. I saw you open yourself to him, I saw how fiercely you protected him, how you cared for him, when no one else did", now his whole hand was brushing her face, whisper-soft, seeing her close her eyes at his contact, "I saw you plant the seed of doubt on a jury so they left your father go free, without concern for your welfare, for what could happen to you. I saw you grieve for the boy you couldn't save from his own mind", he sighed deeply, seeing her draw a shuddering breath as he recalled the pain she had felt at being betrayed by the young scientist she had nurtured and educated, "You didn't stop until you found me, you didn't rest until I was back, safe and sound, when Taffet took me, and then you stayed by my side for 3 painful days, not knowing if I was going to wake", he recalled her hurt gaze when he asked her who she was, when she thought 4 years of being together had been erased in a few days, "I saw you lie to me", she gasped, "telling me the bones you were holding in your hand were definitely not JFK's, when you knew they could definitely be his, just so I didn't doubt myself, so I didn't go back and doubt if all the blood I had on my hands was for nothing", his eyes were now filled with tears as well, "I saw you go against everything you believe in so a killer was captured, and you were ready to do it all alone", he knew how scared she was that Taffet could go free, and how hard it had been for her to act like being buried alive herself came second before finding the truth of what had happened to Terrance Gilroy, to bring justice to another victim to her sick and twisted mind, "You cannot tell me you don't know how to love. You are, without a doubt, the most selfless human being I've met. You hurt me, yes, but I also hurt you, and for that I will forever be sorry. I thought it had been easy for you to see me move on, but that night, on my SUV… It was like everything I believed in was changing. I saw you befriend Hannah without hesitation, and I thought that if you were so willing to accept her, to let her take your place in my life, was because I hadn't been as important to you", he said, and she shook her head desperately, making him retire his hand from her silky skin.
"I did it because, even if it hurt to realize I could have been in her shoes, been the recipient of all that love, I thought that was what you wanted, all parts of your life, personal and professional, to blend, and I… still wasn't ready to lose you, even if all I had was a… partner and a friend that no longer wanted to be with me", it pained him to hear that, but he knew it was true. He had neglected her almost to the point of cruelty, "it hurt, Booth, to hear you ask me to gamble on the only sure thing I ever had in my life, and then say you needed to move on in the next breath. It hurt, Booth. It hurt because I felt that I wasn't enough, that I didn't fit your criteria for a happy life", she sighed heavily., "And seeing you with Hannah increased all of that. She's beautiful, smart, socially adept, also professionally successful, she gets your jokes and pop-culture references… It killed me seeing that you truly loved her, and that I was wiped out of your life".
"I know, and perhaps that was my pathetic attempt at protecting my heart, of making myself believe that I could truly move on from you. Temperance, I am not going to lie. I did love Hannah. She was a breath of fresh air when all I knew was pain and loneliness", he rubbed his face tiredly, his heart clenching as he was reminded of how he had practically shoved his relationship with Hannah in her face, "And I tried to make myself believe that my feelings for her had erased whatever I felt for you. But when I saw you, lying on that floor, when I thought of the possibility of a life where you wouldn't be there, I literally couldn't breathe", his voice was husky with unshed tears.
"But that's not what I want, Booth", he frowned in confusion at her reply, "I don't want you to be with me out of gratitude. I would have done it a thousand times, because I love your son, because he's a part of you, but I can't… be with you, not like this", his eyes were widened in terror, "Not because you feel you owe me. I can't, Booth", his hand went back to her face, "I won't be the rag you will use to wipe the mark that Hannah left on your life".
"How can you even say that?", he asked, his voice conveying the hurt he felt, "I would never taint what we feel, what we could have, with that. Yes, I am grateful, as I would be towards anyone who did what you did for my son, but that doesn't taint my feelings for you, that doesn't change that I've loved you for God knows how long, and that despite all my pitiful attempts to make that love go away, I can't make myself stop loving you. And I know you're hurt. I know that what I said the other night hurt you, that I've handled everything wrong, and you have every right to be angry and confused, but please, Bones, don't ever doubt that I do love you", she started sobbing, and he gently moved her so he could cradle her against his chest without jostling her, careful of her injured neck, "I love you, I love who you are, because I know you. I know you are afraid of this, of letting me in again, and while I could be flattered by your praise of my emotional advantages, listening to you tell me I know how to put myself out there, despite the pain, I am also scarred, Bones. I am also flawed. I also…", he sighed, taking his time as his hands roamed her back, feeling her shiver, and tuck her hands against his chest, like a little girl seeking comfort from a storm in the arms of her parents, "God, I can't believe I am about to say this, but perhaps I wanted to see you hurt. I wanted to know that you cared enough about me to hurt when I refused you", she raised pained blue eyes that were filled with understanding.
"I get it, Booth", she said softly, raising one of her hands to caress his rugged cheek, "You didn't want to hurt me, but it eased a part of you seeing me in pain, knowing that I cared about you, since I hadn't given you any clue that I was hurt by the way things were going between us ever since I rejected you", he nodded, amazed by her calm acceptance of what had happened between them a few weeks ago, how she had accepted that while his refusal of her hadn't happened out of a petty sense of revenge, part of him had been somewhat glad to see her like that, to know that she, like him almost a year prior, was hurt by his refusal, that she cared he had said no.
"My days in Afghanistan were filled with war, with training my soldiers, but at night… I had nothing to do, and my mind took me back to what happened between us. I knew you cared, but a little voice inside of me kept nagging at me, goading me, telling me that it had been so easy for you to reject me because you didn't feel the same way. And after months of hearing nothing from you, I started believing it. The little voice become louder and louder, and I started believing that all I was to you was a partner and perhaps a good friend, but that you didn't feel for me what I felt for you, what I feel for you", he said, moving his hand to the nape of her neck, feeling the tension in her muscles ease as he let his hands trace her muscles softly, "But seeing you like that, when I realized you were letting me see the pain you had been holding inside yourself, my heart broke, but I couldn't leave Hannah just like that. She deserved more from me", he felt her nod against his chest, her folded hands on top of his pectoral muscles, right above his heart, "And I know she didn't truly grasp what I felt when I saw her let go of Parker's hand, but when I saw you reach for him and I felt such peace at knowing you wouldn't let him get hurt, I realized I was building my life around someone I didn't trust my son with", he explained, "Don't get me wrong. Parker is a huge part of my life, but I'm not building my life around him…", her soft voice interrupted him.
"I understand what you're trying to say. Parker is your son, and as such, you love him, and want him to make part of everything that goes on in your life, but that as his father, you can't yourself be swayed by his opinions entirely, since he's a child, and he's still not mature enough to make an informed decision on such an important matter as choosing the woman you want for the rest of your life as your mate and partner", he smiled at her squinty explanation, and was amazed at her complete understanding of his conundrum.
He knew he had pushed Parker to get involved with Hannah, because he had truly believed they could get along, but deep inside, he had always seen his son's reluctance to fully let Hannah in. At first, he had believed it was because his son thought Hannah would take them away from each other, but after the showdown at the lab, he could see it was because Parker only trusted his "Dr. Bones" the way he had wanted him to trust Hannah.
And Parker had turned out to handle things quite maturely, as his gentle nature wouldn't allow him to be mean to Hannah, knowing how much she mattered to his father, and he tried to make the best of the situation, but Booth had known that he was crushing Parker's dream of them being together, and that was why he had kept him away from the woman now lying broken in his arms.
"I'm sorry, Bones", he bent his head to kiss her head, "I am sorry, I know I was terribly unfair to you, and to my son. I know how much he loves the lab, but above all, how much he loves you, and I tried… I tried to force him to love Hannah the way he loves you, and I… I am so sorry", she could hear the self-loathing and despair on his voice, and gently reassured him.
"Booth, for your relationship with Hannah to work, you needed Parker to be on the same… wavelength?", he nodded softly at her question of the appropriate wording, "You needed his support, and if you somewhat felt he preferred me to her, it was only logic you erased me from the equation, so you could achieve the result you wanted", she said.
"Please", his voice was pleading, "Don't logic yourself out of this. I know it hurt you to be away from him", she raised her head from his chest as his head bent to look at her.
"What do you want me to say then, Booth? That I was angry? That I felt betrayed that not only did I have to sit back and see you play house with Hannah, but that I also knew I was losing my best friend?", he was startled at her correct wording of the phrase, "That I was hurt when you deprived me of one of the few things that made me somewhat happy? I know everyone thinks me cold, Booth, but still, I still held on to the hope that you could still see past that, that you didn't see me as they do", one of his hands left her back and tilted her chin until he could stare into her soulful cerulean pools.
"I've always seen it. I've always seen you, and I am sorry if I got sidetracked. I am sorry I let myself forget", he said huskily.
She shifted a bit in his embrace, and reading her intention, he gently lay her down against the pillows, but he didn't let go of her hands. She fixed her eyes on their folded hands, before she gently extricated them from his grasp, needing the distance to organize her thoughts.
"Booth, I know our first instinct would be to try, now that we know where we stand, but… we need time, Booth. We need time, because the wounds we caused each other are still raw and painful", his eyes were so full of pain she angled her body towards his, "Even you have to admit that it will take some healing before we can trust each other with our hearts again. I don't want to begin this… like this, if we ever do. We need to… let things go back to… I don't even know how to say it", he squeezed her hand, "You are bitter, and angry, Booth, and so am I. We might love each other, and know it, but we need to let go of this bitterness before we try anything. As you said, I don't want our mistakes to taint our future, if we're ever going to have it. You need to forgive me, and I need to learn how to let go", he shook his head, and seeing her pained eyes, he quickly moved to explain.
"No ifs about it, Temperance. We ARE going to have a future together. But you're right. We hurt each other, and we need to find a way for that pain not to taint what we could have. There's nothing I want more than to take you in my arms, to make both our pains go away, to make love to you and prove to you no other man will ever love you the way I do", his voice dropped a few levels, and she felt a shiver run down her spine, "But you're right. But please, Temperance, I beg of you, don't shut me out. Don't keep me away", his words were so distressed, her heart broke.
"We both need time, Booth. All I can promise is that I won't run from this, from us", his relieved sigh told her that what she had just told him had eased his biggest fear.
"Thanks, Bones", their eyes locked, and unlike months prior, they didn't shy away from each other, reminiscent of earlier days when they could have entire conversations without a word being spoken, "I know this is kind of… Can I ask you something?", she nodded, "I don't want to rush you, but… could I… could I kiss you? Just once?", his eyes were filled with such hope she couldn't make herself deny him. As her cheeks blushed slightly, she nodded, and his beaming smile was her reward.
He moved closer, slowly as if afraid she was going to run at any moment, but she only folded her hands in her lap, and raised her head slightly, awaiting for him to make his move. He startled her as the moist feel of his lips against her forehead first met her skin, moving to her eyelids, to her temple, to her cheeks, brushing one corner of her mouth and then the other, as if coaxing her into the kiss.
As if she needed to be coaxed.
Her lips parted slightly, her heart raced in her chest, and had she been still in the ICU, she was certain a nurse would already be inside, checking up on her, but now all she felt was thankful that they could have this sweet moment amidst all the pain they had felt for the past days, months.
He took advantage of her partially opened lips, feeling her soft breath caressing his lips, and he couldn't help himself, diving right in. Sweet willingness met him, as she matched his strokes one for one, making his soul sour as their tongues met and stroked each other gently. This kiss was devoid of the lusty rush of their first, the awkward burn of the second, and the despair of their last kiss. It was filled with promise, tenderness, and it still managed to convey the fire that had always existed between them. They shared the same breath, pausing slightly to get enough oxygen, breathing into each other's mouth, a parallel of what they had always done: give life to one another.
She had fallen slightly against her pillows, and his body had followed, his hands gently caressing her angled jaw, fingers drinking in her silky skin, reveling in her touch, her hands idly caressing his shoulders, and in the fact that he could now touch her as well. When they finally broke contact, her eyes were glassy, and her lips were beautifully swollen and moist, making his heart clench. He pressed their foreheads together, as silence loomed between them. After a few moments, he moved his lips to her bandaged neck, letting her feel their warmth over the thick gauze, lovingly patting her bruised skin.
"It will leave a scar", she said, her voice breathy and panty, but calm at the same time.
He raised his eyes, and with a soulful smile, he replied, "And you'll be even more beautiful to me, Bones", they shared a smile, and held hands until the day gave way to night, both content as they realized they had finally reached common ground, and that perhaps this time, despite their scars, they would both be able to finally move forward.
I hope you liked it… Musie loves reviews, and she wants to know if this was awful, endurable, nice, whatever… Feed her, because honestly your words are the only fuel I have!